The 8 Words That Made my Heart Beat Faster

8 words.  One sentence, or question, rather.  "Does this mean we can watch movies now?"

Ex-Boy asked me this question this morning.  This probably makes no sense to you.  How and why could these 8 words make my heart beat faster?

Lets rewind.

Ex-Boy and I have been talking a lot lately.  It started before my London trip.  We had the first somewhat pseudo-intelligent conversation that we've ever had.  I didn't think too much of it, except for the fact that he asked me to pick him up a certain kind of scarf there in which he'd pay me for.

I get  back and we continue to talk from time to time.  Sometimes I would instant message him, yet a lot of the times he'd instant message me.

One night his roommate who happens to be a friend of mine came to my apartment and we watched Run Lola Run- a great german film.  EB's Roommate went home and told Ex-Boy about it, in which EB started to talk to me more and more about movies.

I liked it, because it was, in his weird and twisted way, him opening up to me.

He started recommending films to me, which I would try to download.  He also said I could just borrow some of them from him.

To be honest, he was being friendly, but not inviting.

The other day he I/Med me though and raved about Techno Tuesday at one of the local bars (which I can get into).  He told me I should go next week, still though, friendly, but not extremely inviting, for a lot of my friends go with him.

Skip to last night.

It is Final Four, and my team, the Spartans have just made it into the national championships.  I'm out and about partying, and it's getting late.  I don't feel like wasting seven bucks, so I give EB's roommate a call, since I'm partying a couple houses down from them.  I ask if I could crash there and he said yes, but the couch was taken.  It's fine though because EB's roomie happens to be gay, which means I get the privilege of sleeping with him in his bed and it not being anything but sleeping.  I accept the invitation and head over there.

I'm in his room when we both hear Ex-Boy arrive home.  I decided oh so coincidentally (I have a problem with giving up on him, okay!) to go get a glass of water.

Ex-Boy seems happy to see me, and we are both drunk.  I go upstairs with him and, well...you know.

We wake up this morning and we are still all cuddly.

NOTE:  I'm weary of this.  This has happened a handful of times since we've been broken up where we would hook up and the next day we would cuddle, almost with a sad tone set to it, and then he wouldn't answer any calls or I/Ms from me  after, until a couple months later in which the same thing would repeat itself, and I still could never completely and fully give up on him.

This time it seemed different.  He wasn't the sad and sullen cuddly guy he usually is the morning after hooking up since we've been broken up.

I even mentioned it to him.  He was more open with me, talking about his family and friends, book, and movies.

We cuddle more, we kiss more, and it's cute.

He then turns to me and says the 8 words.  "Does this mean we can watch movies now?"  He then goes on to say, " I was too much of a pussy to ask you to watch all the movies I recommended you with me."  I reply and tell him the same thing.

He then asks me if I purposefully came about his house or if it was by sheer coincidence and need, and I admit that there might have been some plotting beforehand.

He's glad, he says.

He makes me breakfast and we cuddle more, then he drives me home on his bike.  When I get off of it and I go to hand him my helmet he says "Why don't you hold onto it, oh and don't forget we are watching movies together, and hopefully soon, please get at me soon".

WHAT DO I DO?!!! I  MELTED.

Yes, he cheated before.  Yes, he's a stupid boy.

But this time he really DOES seem different.  This time it's more than just "look at the weather" with him.  He's opening up.

I know, I know.  I need to be careful.

I still am in shock though.

Agreed

My friend from work had this posted on his facebook.  I read it, and instantly associated it with every guy I've ever dated.

if you "don't mean to be a dick" and then you do something that makes you a dick...not only are you a dick, but you are a liar.

Seasonal Craziness

It's about that time of the season where I've had enough.  The cold is so annoying, I just want it to be warm.

I've had enough of the weather, enough of fighting with my parents, enough of school, everything is just ENOUGH!

I know it's seasonal, and I know once it warms up everything will seem to suddenly get better, but right now I just feel really out of control.

I have so much to get done- but then I feel like I have nothing to get done all the same.

-Read for Astronomy

-Read for film

-Watch movie for film

-work on my theater scene

-Read shakespeare (ugh) for English

I'm SO FRUSTRATEDDDD.

It Has Been Way Too Long!

My last update was 1/20/09.  That was 11 days ago.  It feels like it has been a year.

Really, I don't have a great excuse for not updating.  I mean, I have been pretty busy trying to keep up with all my reading and homework for school.  Then there has been auditions, and film club, among other things.

Probably the greatest consumption of time has been fighting back and forth with my parents.  Why, you ask?  Three reasons.  These three reasons, however, combine nicely to form one main reason.

I'll start from the beginning.

My parents have always said that they want me to study abroad.  They wanted me to go for a whole semester because that way the cost would be equal to what it would cost me to study at MSU a semester, with no real additional cost (maybe like 200 dollars more, total).  After joining film club, and meeting BJ-M, I learned about a study abroad program that is perfect for me.  Basically, it's 6 weeks over the summer in London.  The program is called 'Film in Britain' and it consists of 9 credit hours (more if I'd like) and making my own film, pre-production to post-production.  There isn't another study abroad like it,  because it was created with the intent to cater directly to my major.

I told my parents about the program and they, obviously, wanted more information on it, cost, etc.  So, I sent them a heartfelt letter about how much I wanted to go and why, also including all of the finance information.  The program is expensive, I'm not going to lie.  It would be about 8,000 dollar more than it would cost for me to just take classes at MSU over the summer.

My parents said no to the program, after already letting me apply.  I understand completely that my parents can't afford it right now, however I really really want to go on this program.

I then asked my parents if I could take out a loan to finance the Study Abroad.  A note I should make is that my parents pay for everything for me- food, rent, utilities, tuition, everything (they never let me get a credit card or take loans out to pay for anything).  They said no to the loan.

This is where I get really upset.  I understand them not paying for it, but I don't get how they won't let me pay for it.  Most normal students have taken out at least one loan.  The worst part is- I'm in this position where I can't even take one out on my own without them cosigning.  My parents won't give me their financial information to fill out a FAFSA (document needed to get loans w/out a cosigner), and they won't cosign, plus I have no credit to apply on my own because they never let me build credit.

This leads me into reason 2 why we are fighting.  My parents never thought about the fact that their financial situation or the economy could change in the future.  So as I was young, and my brother was growing up, he got a lot that I never got.  For example, my parents financed two cars for him, out of state tuition, a 15,000 dollar study abroad program when he was in High School, study abroad when he was in college, and only a year ago they cosigned a 50,000 dollar loan for his graduate school.

What pisses me off the most out of all of those things is the loan.  They can trust my brother to pay back 50,000 dollars, yet they don't trust me to pay off a fraction of that.

I have a job.  I wouldn't even need to defer payments- I could start paying the interest now.  But no, my parents don't have that much faith in me, I guess.

The third reason is part of the second, in the fact that my car, Betty, is a total piece of shit.  She broke down on me in the middle of a main road the other day, and my parents weren't the least built helpful.  They payed for a car for my brother, then, when he sold it, put some more money into another car for him.  Yet my car, a hand-me-down from my grandma, keeps breaking down, and they aren't doing anything about it.

I may sound really ungrateful for all that my parents gave me, but I don't want you to think that.  I'm so grateful for everything my parents have given me in life, however, by giving me so much, they've debilitated me, in a way.  I'm so financially dependent on them because of it, that I can't even take out a freakin' loan on my own, whereas most students, who've had credit cards and such, could just get one without a cosigner based on their credit.

I have more to say on the subject, but this is long...

To be continued...

A Shitty Day

Today is not a fun day.

For one, today is Ex-Boy's birthday.  For those of you that remember that far back, a year ago today Ex-Boy and I started officially dating.  I hate looking back now on how all of that turned out.  It makes me feel ill.

Also, last night was a premise for my bitterness today.

The story goes, BJ-M, one of my really good film friends that treats me like 'just one of the guys', and I have hung out a LOT over break.  Tons.  Well school has started again and nothing has changed.  Before, I used to think that BJ-M and I would inevitably hook up.  It was bound to happen.  Then new years came and he hooked up with a friend of mine, which was totally fine and it made me realize that I wouldn't want to hook up with him because it would make things weird between us, and our friendship is too awesome for that.

Well two nights ago, the inevitable did, in fact, happen.  We were drunk, and we made out.  Yesterday morning when I woke up lying next to him I was kind of worried about it- then he woke up and NOTHING was awkward- it was fine!  Yes! I thought.

Noooo.  It's bad.  Last night one of the other actresses BJ-M uses in his films (he directed A Little Change) came over there and was partying with us.

I 've known from the beginning that BJ-M is a man whore- I'm okay with that- but they hooked up...and she has a boyfriend.

I guess what bothers me more than the fact that I made out with him the other night and then he fucked another girl the next night is the fact that he fucked a girl with a boyfriend.

I've been cheated on by Ex-Boy and it's not fun.  To be an accessory to that, in my opinion, is just as bad as actually cheating.

I guess I just lost a lot of respect for him there.  And it has been boiling in my thoughts all day.  That on top of the anniversary of mine and Ex-Boy's relationship just makes today suck a little bit more...

A Day in the Life

Well I am obviously back to work, since normally I wouldn't be posting at 1:30 AM when I have a 10:20 class in the morning.

Today I've got a lot done.

It was the first day of classes, so in addition to attending all of them I started up my fight for the Michigan filming incentive.  I must say it's going well.  The facebook group really picked up, my article got published in my Universities newspaper, and I've been in contact with a number of other newspapers in Michigan.  The work is not even close to being done though.

In happier, lighter, younger news, I'm off probation, in officially, 6 Days 7 hours and 20 minutes.  YAY!  Since this day happens to fall on MLK jr. Day, my friend BJ-M is throwing me a 'MLK-Danielle is off Probo Day' Party.

Should be fun, however I don't plan on remembering it ;)

I had started this semester off with 17 credits.  Then I decided to drop a class, and go down to 14 credits.  However, today I just found out that BJ-M is in the class I just dropped, so now I need to try to get back in it because, well, how could I turn down the opportunity to have that much fun in a class with BJ-M?!

I'm so tired.  Only an hour and 50 minutes until I'm done!!

Whoa!

Wow! All of the sudden I feel stressed and classes haven't even started yet! Here's what's going on:

1. I'm off probation in 8 days- yup a week from tomorrow, I'll be free!!!

2. I'm starting a state-wide, student coalition to save the Michigan Filming Incentive which is going to be taking up a LOT of my time, effort, and energy, but it's all for a good cause!

3. Classes start tomorrow- I'm signed up for 17 credits... I think I'm going to be dropping a class.

4. I love my friends. This break has been amazing all due to people like BJ-M, FA, NNBoy, Lauren, Beth, Tricia, Roomies A-B-and C, and CS.

Now and Then.

When I was in high school I never had a solid group of friends. I kind of was a nomad- traveling between different groups. Aside from Ex-Friend, whom I've never talked about (it's a long story which I'll post about a different day), every year I had different friends that I'd hang out with. Ex-Friend would come along for th trip, also changing her friends each year. I don't know why this is, if I had to guess it's because I didn't know who I was, thus I didn't quite know where I fit or what kind of friends I wanted.

It's weird looking back on that time because I'm in such a different place now; a better place. I have a real solid group of friends, in whom I love to spend time with, I've been so busy over break, which isn't normal considering breaks for me are usually pretty boring, and I had, probably, the best New Years Eve/ New Years ever.

It's nice to look back and realize, for now at least, that you've found yourself.

It's refreshing.

Waiting

I recently auditioned for a short film that had a concept that really stuck with me. In a scene from the screenplay a man is talking about how he was always waiting around for stuff to happen. He waited for everything, and felt as though he spent most of his life waiting. He finally decided to stop waiting and take control of his life.

When you really think about it, it's so true. We do, in fact, spend most of our lives waiting. Whether it's waiting in line, waiting for your food at a restaurant, waiting at a traffic light, waiting for a certain movie to come out- we spend a lot of time doing something that is pretty boring.

Personally, I'm so sick of waiting around for things to happen. Waiting for life to take place. Yet, how do you change? How do you stop all this waiting and take over your life? How do you make things happen for yourself?

If anyone has the answer, please, let me know.

Fresh

It blows my mind how fast time passes. Only a few days ago it was last year. I have to say, I'm feeling really good. I have a lot of resolutions this year, some of which will be a lot harder to keep, but I'm going to try. So far, so good.

For instance, one of my resolutions is to do 8 minute abs every day. Why not, right? It only takes 8 minutes out of my day and I feel great after I do them. That one is going really well, especially since I put it into my daily routine already.

One that I think will be difficult, however I have more help with this semester is doing better in school. This one is hard because the difficulty of it isn't that of doing abs each day. It challenges me mentally, socially, emotionally, and sleep-wise; physically. However, this year I started a new ADD medicine [who knew that, I, probably the most scatter brained person on blogger is ADD?! I only have been diagnosed for 4 years now ;) ] Unlike my old ADD medicine, this one is a stimulant- the real deal, and it has helped so much so far. So I'm hoping the motivation keeps up as long as I keep up on taking my meds.

Then there are the resolutions I'm not telling people. Those ones are more about feeding my soul, and perhaps, I'll share them when I feel more comfortable with them.


I'm just happy this year has started stress-free and in good health (no more being sick for months at a time!).

I hope everyone else gets their freshest of fresh starts this year as well.

Cheers!