No Good Very Bad B-Day

It is my Birthday.  And my car decided to die.

Seriously- this is just my luck.  Great start to the day, huh?  So EB gets in her car after bringing in the first B-Day hour with K-girl watching grey's, and drives home.  Then, it dies.  In the parking lot.

I wish I could sleep through the rest of the day and forget about the fact that me and my car are getting old and on our way to death.

St. Patty's Day

Let me just say that St. Patrick's Day will always leave a bad taste in my mouth.

Last year it was right after I broke up with Ex-Boy.  I was around annoying drunk people the whole day, stuck really far off campus with no transportation anywhere.  I finally sobered up and played DD to a party my friends were having that night.  By the time we got there everyone had been drinking all day long and were so on edge that it just wasn't any fun- for a lot of people.

Then I looked over and there it was, Ex-Boy, whom I had only been broken up with for two weeks, yet we still hooked up the week before (I had a hard time letting go), making out with a girl that was brought along to the party with one of my friends.

Needless to say I spent the night in tears.

*****

This year wasn't any better.

First off it was a stressful day of classes, which, when they ended I had a gruesome paper to write that I had been putting off for over a month that was due two days prior (I got a couple days extended).

After I finally finished the paper, which normally should have only taken me an hour or two to write, yet took me four hours to finish, I got ready for film club- something fun, right?

Well BJ-M decided that none of them were going to go, and I already agreed to meet an acquaintance there.  So I was stuck, without any of my confidants, attending film club expecting to see the Pres there.  Luckily he was too much of a pussy to show his face.

A good friend, we'll name her K Girl, ended up coming by and we went to BJ-M's place, despite that fact that he pissed me off by not attending last minute.

*****

We walk into a house, which you must imagine, that I know like the back of my hand.  I've basically lived there the past three and a half months.  The guys that live there are my best male friends, and know more than most about me, vice versa.  It's the kind of friendship that I can just show up unannounced and we end up hanging out cooped up there for three hours straight.

We have a solid group of friends that party and hang out with us that we very rarely stray from and if we do it's usually only one or two randoms that show up.

So I walk in and walk downstairs to where there is a plethora of party voices, only to find SEVEN people whom I have absolutely NO idea who they are, and only TWO of my friends.  You must understand that to walk into a situation like that with no prior warning is very uncomfortable.

It turns out that these are people BJ-M  and friends met on spring break in Panama.  One of which, is a girl BJ-M was obviously hooking up with considering the fact that she CLUNG to his arm as if the world was going to end...ALL night.  If that wasn't annoying enough, she was extremely unfriendly when I attempted to talk to her.

The time I spent trying to enjoy myself with K Girl and Jar (another friend), was soiled only by BJ-M coming up to me and whispering in my ear "oh my god you're so poutty, stop pouting!  wow you are so mad at me!  You are so mad!  You're pouting so much!"

*****

Truth is, I was really trying to have fun up until that point- I was singing along with the music, dancing with my friends.  But after he kept doing that- which is what he obviously wanted to see me doing, and after the hooker that was clinging was as unfriendly as she was, I really did start to pout.

I sat there with phone in hand, and played on it for 2 hours.  Once I was finally okay to drive I up and left, barely saying goodbye to anyone.

I turned to the hooker and throw her a quick "nice meeting you," without really even looking at her, and leave.

What probably pissed me off the most was the fact that BJ-M was a completely different person in front of this girl.  He wouldn't even play the music he liked (hardcore) until she left, but when she came back he'd switch it off.  He barely talked to me and Jar because we are the prime people he likes to freak out on, which I'm sure he didn't want to do in front of her, even though we all know he's only joking around, or that's just how he is.

*****

I don't care anymore.  I'll admit it.

I don't have those kind of feelings for BJ-M anymore.  But I definitely am the competitive, jealous best friend.

I don't like change- especially when I see it going in a bad direction.  Anyone who asks you, or you feel you must, change yourself for, isn't worth it.  Who I am is too important, more important than some college hook up or relationship.

I think I need a break from my group of friends now.

Enjoy another look into my life!

Our film for the Spring 48/5 competition as part of the East Lansing Film Festival.

Required Elements-

Genre: Drama

Location: Bowling Ally

Prop: Remote Control

Line of Dialogue: "You're running out of gas"

Seasonal Craziness

It's about that time of the season where I've had enough.  The cold is so annoying, I just want it to be warm.

I've had enough of the weather, enough of fighting with my parents, enough of school, everything is just ENOUGH!

I know it's seasonal, and I know once it warms up everything will seem to suddenly get better, but right now I just feel really out of control.

I have so much to get done- but then I feel like I have nothing to get done all the same.

-Read for Astronomy

-Read for film

-Watch movie for film

-work on my theater scene

-Read shakespeare (ugh) for English

I'm SO FRUSTRATEDDDD.

It Has Been Way Too Long!

My last update was 1/20/09.  That was 11 days ago.  It feels like it has been a year.

Really, I don't have a great excuse for not updating.  I mean, I have been pretty busy trying to keep up with all my reading and homework for school.  Then there has been auditions, and film club, among other things.

Probably the greatest consumption of time has been fighting back and forth with my parents.  Why, you ask?  Three reasons.  These three reasons, however, combine nicely to form one main reason.

I'll start from the beginning.

My parents have always said that they want me to study abroad.  They wanted me to go for a whole semester because that way the cost would be equal to what it would cost me to study at MSU a semester, with no real additional cost (maybe like 200 dollars more, total).  After joining film club, and meeting BJ-M, I learned about a study abroad program that is perfect for me.  Basically, it's 6 weeks over the summer in London.  The program is called 'Film in Britain' and it consists of 9 credit hours (more if I'd like) and making my own film, pre-production to post-production.  There isn't another study abroad like it,  because it was created with the intent to cater directly to my major.

I told my parents about the program and they, obviously, wanted more information on it, cost, etc.  So, I sent them a heartfelt letter about how much I wanted to go and why, also including all of the finance information.  The program is expensive, I'm not going to lie.  It would be about 8,000 dollar more than it would cost for me to just take classes at MSU over the summer.

My parents said no to the program, after already letting me apply.  I understand completely that my parents can't afford it right now, however I really really want to go on this program.

I then asked my parents if I could take out a loan to finance the Study Abroad.  A note I should make is that my parents pay for everything for me- food, rent, utilities, tuition, everything (they never let me get a credit card or take loans out to pay for anything).  They said no to the loan.

This is where I get really upset.  I understand them not paying for it, but I don't get how they won't let me pay for it.  Most normal students have taken out at least one loan.  The worst part is- I'm in this position where I can't even take one out on my own without them cosigning.  My parents won't give me their financial information to fill out a FAFSA (document needed to get loans w/out a cosigner), and they won't cosign, plus I have no credit to apply on my own because they never let me build credit.

This leads me into reason 2 why we are fighting.  My parents never thought about the fact that their financial situation or the economy could change in the future.  So as I was young, and my brother was growing up, he got a lot that I never got.  For example, my parents financed two cars for him, out of state tuition, a 15,000 dollar study abroad program when he was in High School, study abroad when he was in college, and only a year ago they cosigned a 50,000 dollar loan for his graduate school.

What pisses me off the most out of all of those things is the loan.  They can trust my brother to pay back 50,000 dollars, yet they don't trust me to pay off a fraction of that.

I have a job.  I wouldn't even need to defer payments- I could start paying the interest now.  But no, my parents don't have that much faith in me, I guess.

The third reason is part of the second, in the fact that my car, Betty, is a total piece of shit.  She broke down on me in the middle of a main road the other day, and my parents weren't the least built helpful.  They payed for a car for my brother, then, when he sold it, put some more money into another car for him.  Yet my car, a hand-me-down from my grandma, keeps breaking down, and they aren't doing anything about it.

I may sound really ungrateful for all that my parents gave me, but I don't want you to think that.  I'm so grateful for everything my parents have given me in life, however, by giving me so much, they've debilitated me, in a way.  I'm so financially dependent on them because of it, that I can't even take out a freakin' loan on my own, whereas most students, who've had credit cards and such, could just get one without a cosigner based on their credit.

I have more to say on the subject, but this is long...

To be continued...

A Shitty Day

Today is not a fun day.

For one, today is Ex-Boy's birthday.  For those of you that remember that far back, a year ago today Ex-Boy and I started officially dating.  I hate looking back now on how all of that turned out.  It makes me feel ill.

Also, last night was a premise for my bitterness today.

The story goes, BJ-M, one of my really good film friends that treats me like 'just one of the guys', and I have hung out a LOT over break.  Tons.  Well school has started again and nothing has changed.  Before, I used to think that BJ-M and I would inevitably hook up.  It was bound to happen.  Then new years came and he hooked up with a friend of mine, which was totally fine and it made me realize that I wouldn't want to hook up with him because it would make things weird between us, and our friendship is too awesome for that.

Well two nights ago, the inevitable did, in fact, happen.  We were drunk, and we made out.  Yesterday morning when I woke up lying next to him I was kind of worried about it- then he woke up and NOTHING was awkward- it was fine!  Yes! I thought.

Noooo.  It's bad.  Last night one of the other actresses BJ-M uses in his films (he directed A Little Change) came over there and was partying with us.

I 've known from the beginning that BJ-M is a man whore- I'm okay with that- but they hooked up...and she has a boyfriend.

I guess what bothers me more than the fact that I made out with him the other night and then he fucked another girl the next night is the fact that he fucked a girl with a boyfriend.

I've been cheated on by Ex-Boy and it's not fun.  To be an accessory to that, in my opinion, is just as bad as actually cheating.

I guess I just lost a lot of respect for him there.  And it has been boiling in my thoughts all day.  That on top of the anniversary of mine and Ex-Boy's relationship just makes today suck a little bit more...

I Hope I Won't Regret This: Part 3

Well.  The Let Down and I set plans for today to meet.  After I listened to his voicemail from Part 2 I decided that I really did want to meet up and talk about what had happened.

We met at 3:30 pm at a small hometown restaurant.  It was scary- to say the least.  I haven't seen this guy, the guy that was my best friend, whom I really did love, in a year and 4 months.

We talked about what happened, and I tried my best to listen with open ears, which I think I did well.  He said how he barely remembers why we stopped being friends, and of course, I reminded him.  He said that he didn't mean it how I took it that night, when he said I needed a clean slate and needed to start over.  That he was drinking the night we talked, which makes sense.

Ready for the kicker?  I asked how his 'wife' was doing.  His response- they broke up.  "Well did you even marry her?"  No.  He didn't.  He said he just told me that to hurt me because he was angry that I wasn't understanding him, and that I took it that he wanted to end our friendship.

I guess what he was trying to say that night was not that our friendship needed to end- but rather that we just needed time apart, and he felt our friendship was strong enough to go on hold, just until Trashy Girl was okay with us being friends.

He apologized.  I could tell he meant it, and that he really did care- but he showed it in an awful way.

We then went on to talk about what has happened to each of us over the past year and 4 months.  He has really gotten his life together- and I really am happy for him.  He broke up with Trashy Girl, and has been seeing a new girl for the past 3 months.  He moved out of his mom's place, and got a car.  He really went into a lot of detail about what had happened to him over the time apart.  I didn't.  It felt like I was starting over, like he didn't know me at all- I couldn't make it as personal as we used to be.  That was sad for me.

I told him that I was glad he was doing well and it was nice seeing him.  I also reminded him that he now has my email and if he'd like to, he can send me a message.

I don't know that he will.  I'd like him to, though.  Either way though, for me, this was closure.  Well needed closure.

I just hate that I feel so sad after it all.  It feels like a part of my heart died.  That chapter of my life is now closed- and there's no replacing the words on the page, or rewriting the ending.  What happened, really did happen- and I realize that more than ever after talking about it with him.

I guess it's time to move on.

Oh, and I did get my book back...

Lets Compete

I have a vice that I need to overcome.  I've been doing this for as long as I can remember.  I have no idea where it came from and why I continue to think this way, but I do.  It needs to stop.

I've noticed that I'm a very competitive person.  Sometimes this is okay.  However, I find myself  being competitive in situations where there is no need for competition.

For example-

1. School

I do this in classes.  I constantly compare myself to others.  I look at their grades and if they do better, I get angry.  No matter who studied more, no matter who understands the material better, I get mad.

2. Acting

As you all know, in recent weeks I've gotten pretty into film club which has revived my passion for acting.  FA is also very much into acting so when I found out about different auditions I'd let him know about them.  Well, I've started realize how I'm secretly making every audition into a competition.  He may not know it, and even though it's impossible for us to be competing for roles (he's obviously male and I'm obviously female), I find myself in intense competition to do better than him.  I secretly hope he does poorly at all of his auditions and when it turns out opposite I get pissed off.

What is it about myself that makes me compare myself to others.  I've been doing this forever with my brother.  I constantly compare everything I've received in life to everything he ever got, which only leaves me coming up disappointed.

How do you change the way you think when it's all you've ever known?

How do you come to accept a change when you don't even know where your former behavior stems from?

Too much on the mind

I think it's about time to get serious about school.

I only have one more final that actually matters, and that is to take place Tuesday evening.

I kind of wish I didn't have a month off from school because I feel like school would take my mind off of all the things bothering me.

Here's the list:

1. Contact with 'The Let Down'

2. The crush I have on FA that I can't seem to shake.

3. Still find myself talking to Ex-Boy

4. Auditions gone awry

5. Auditions I thought I did well at and obviously didn't

I just feel kind of down.  I like the feeling of new classes and completely throwing myself into them.

I know that as soon as my finals are done I'm going to do a deep clean of the apartment, so that should take my mind off of things for, ohh, about a day or two.  What to do for the rest of the month I have off?

A Dream...A really really annoying dream.

Have you ever woken up from a dream and just thought t yourself- "I hate my  mind for letting me dream that?"

This just happened to me.  Literally, like 10 minutes ago.  I had to go do a PBT this morning so when I came back I went back to sleep for a couple hours because I am exhausted.

Well in this course of a couple hours I dreamt this-

I was with my parents and Ex-Boy showed up (in whom my parents actually like in the dream- and they kind of liked him in real life.. weird.)  So Him and I start talking and we end up kissing.  I kind of tell him something like, "Maybe I'll see you tomorrow."  He's actually down for it.  So it's all set to see him tomorrow.

All of the sudden I end up at a Rite-Aid.  I'm shopping for make up and apparently they sold fashion boots there, in my dream, so I was shopping for those too.  They didn't have my size however so my Mom, who was with me, told me to call their hotline.  I called and they never actually helped me, which was fine, cause I forgot about it.

At one point a women came and was helping me and then she was locking up the store so we all left behind her.

Cut to a situation in which I have NO CLUE how I got there, how it came about, etc.  I'm at 'The Let Down's' house.  It's him, I, his *cringes* wife, his mother, some male family members, my mother, etc.  It would seem we were celebrating something that reminded me of a superbowl.

Some people leave and it turns into a murder scene.  There's a killer going around killing people.  So some of the people go for help (I think LD went to go get help but I'm not sure).  I come around the corner of the hallway to the family room only to find LD's wife getting her throat slit.  I try to stop the killer but can't, so I take their mask off.  It was some girl whom I can't remember he significance in the dream.  She ends up leaving.  I try to save LD's wife but it's too late.

Now everyone for the most part is back.  It's almost as if they forgot about LD's wife, or they don't care, like it's no big deal.  He didn't seem to care either.  He's in his room and I go in.  We start to have a serious talk about the past.  Sometime between this and us being in the hallway together we decide we need to be together.  We need to be in a relationship.

We kiss, we hug, we become inseparable.  We tell EVERYONE how happy we are and that we decided to be together.  I tell my mom, and she's very wary of it.  Then I tell her that we are in a relationship, deal with it, and we'll be getting married...

In the dream I change my  FACEBOOK RELATIONSHIP STATUS (SO LAME) to in a relationship.  However I strictly remember LD's last name from the dream and it's not his real last night.  In the dream it was something like 'EB is now in a relationship with LD Libb.  It was either Libb or Libby, but it was so strange.

Cut to the bedroom.  We are laying together talking, happy as can be, and we decide, this is our happy ending.

Someone...Please please please interpret...

First Day

Today I will be writing based off of a prompt for One-Minute Writer again.  The prompt says: describe a first day.

My first day at MSU was one of the most bitter sweet moments in my life... at the time.  It was before 'The Let Down' (see label for old posts of 'The Let Down') actually let me down.  I woke up at 7 AM that morning, although I'm pretty sure I never really slept the night prior.  The car was already packed from the night before because my Dad couldn't move me in, so his job was to make sure we were completely ready to leave in the morning.  I was stressed, like really stressed.  The last thing I wanted to do was to go to school and leave behind the bar I was working at that summer and, of course, I didn't want to put distance between me and The Let Down (lets just call him LD).  I drove my little red cutlass while my mom followed me to LD's house.  He came outside and I got out of the car.  It was pretty much ritual that whenever we drove together in my car I would make him drive and I'd play ipod DJ.

The whole car ride there we talked about everything, as always.  About college, about his past, about his trashy girlfriend; everything.  LD said, "I was thinking, you know, I'm no good with talking on the phone, so I thought, maybe we could write to each other?"  It was like he read my mind.  There was one thing I specifically remember asking him as we were driving to East Lansing.  I looked at him (as always, with admiration) and said, "LD, can we just run away to California?  Fuck MSU, lets just go."  He just looked at me and said, "EB, you need to get away to College, you need MSU.  You'll be fine."  Little did I know that he was foreshadowing the fact that only about a month later he was going to end our friendship.

****

When I got to school I checked in while my mother and LD parked the cars.  We unpacked all of my stuff.  LD set up my printer, and then my roommate finally showed up.  Oh man.  Her first impression was great.  I thought we were going to be best of friends because we were so similar.  Later, it turned out our similarities were the biggest weakness in our friendship, but this isn't about that, it's about my first day.  After I unpacked everything LD, my mother, and I went to lunch.  It was quite lovely, really.  LD got up to go to the bathroom and my mother told me that in their short car ride/walk from parking the cars LD raved about me, about how special I was to him, what a good friend I was.  This still makes no sense to me.

****

I was dreading what was to come next after our lunch.  It was time for them to drop me off and say goodbye.    I went with them to pick up the other car and LD and I drove my car to drop me off at the dorm.  Tears filled my eyes and I had a large lump in my throat, preventing me from doing any speaking.  I remember swallowing hard and catching my breath in order to say goodbye.  LD looked at me and told me, "Don't even worry, you'll be home on most weekends!  And we're going to write to each other."  He gave me one last hug goodbye.  I told him I'd be home in two weeks and we'd have to hang out.  I got out of the car, and as I walked to the door of my dorm  I turned my head over my right shoulder and took one last look at LD.  Right as I did this he yelled, as loud as he could, out my window, "I love you!  Have fun!"  I smiled, and responded, "I will."  He drove off, and I walked inside.

These nights

You know those nights, the ones where you should have just called someone, or you should have just settled on going out wherever, even if you didn't really want to go there? That's tonight. I was so stressed all week, and I finished Accounting early (go figure), and then I was bored. I tried to set stuff up- the things I really wanted to do/places I wanted to go- epic fail. So here I sit, with not even semi-attractive offers, alone.

Then I think- stop feeling sorry for yourself- call them again to see if they're ready to hang out! No. Not a good plan.


Maybe- Put a movie on, you'll feel better? Which movie? The saddest one you have. No- why do I want to stay sad.


Perhaps- get ahead in Macro and do homework- been doing that all week- hell no.


So maybe I should just go to bed. It's nights like these where nostalgia kicks in, and I start wondering about those people previously in my life that I shouldn't be wondering about. How do you get those people off your mind? You don't. They're engraved there on purpose- that's what their whole point was- to leave their nasty imprint on your life, so you have nothing better to do except think about what they're doing. So lame.

Paint. That's what I'll do. Haven't done it in a while- Awful at it, yet it makes me feel better. Perhaps it can pull me out of my sad funk...

The Airport.

I went and picked my brother up from the airport today. I've decided that airports are made for lonely people to feel even more lonely. Watching the people meet and greet their loved ones is almost saddening. Lame, I know.

Like I said, my brother is home. We are actually getting along, weird, I know. He treats me like a normal person- not really like a friend or anything, but just like a human being, hah.

I'm supposed to go to the piston's game tonight with mi padre and some other people who we haven't decided on yet. Problem is by the time we get there it's going to be so busy and crowded that it won't be fun. We'll for sure hit traffic- it won't be a good time.

If we don't go, I'll get to see my whole family, whom I miss very much. I'll get to see Hayden, my new, beautiful baby cousin I talk about all of the time.

I think I'm going to start video blogging. I don't know why, but all of the sudden I've realized I have a lot more to say when I speak, rather than when I type.

P.S.

In addition to the 'Fucker' post. I found out shortly after he told me we couldn't be friends anymore, that he married his alcoholic girlfriend. I'm talking about two 26 year-olds, who both live with their parents. One of them works as a waiter while the other sits on her ass drinking with money from the other. Yeah, I got a little drunk and texted him. I told him we aren't friends anymore, have a good fucking life. His reply? 'Okie dokie, thanks you too," with another text saying, "If it makes you feel any better, no one came to the ceremony, it was at the court house...". It took me a while to realize what he meant by that. Then I was just sitting there, and it hit me. He married her. It makes so much more sense as to why he wanted to end the friendship. I just can't believe he wouldn't tell me. How long ago was it? When did it happen? It honestly, really does hurt. We were really good friends. All that bullshit he told my mom, how I'm one of his close friends, and one that he wouldn't want to lose. How I'm such a great person..all bullshit? It just leaves so many unanswered questions. It's saddening... having your heart broken, by the first person you ever loved.



I don't think I could handle seeing him. I think i'd want to kill him.

Open letter to the you that won't read this letter.

Dear person,
I'm sorry, but I really don't know what I'm trying to say. I'm pretty sure it's something along the lines of, I miss you, stop being a douche bag, and make time to see me. I don't know what about that sentence makes you think of me as a castrating bitch, but I just don't see it. Comparing me to Lorena Bobbitt, because I'm done being the only person trying to make our friendship work, was cruel. I'm pretty sure I'm no Lorena Bobbitt. The truth of the matter is our relationship has shifted 180 degrees and I feel like I'm falling from the sky when it comes to me and you. We were so close before, maybe too close given the circumstances. You weren't just like a brother to me, you were honestly one of my best friends. I love you. I really do. I probably always will. Every time I see you, my heart will probably race...but I can't do this anymore. I'm sick of holding myself back. I'm sick of waiting for you to be having a hard time, then coming my way. I need consistency. If you're going to be part of my life, then do it, if not, then I don't know why I still try. I'm sick of your one letter, to my three letters. I'm sick of your letters telling me "I don't need anyone." "I'll be fine on my own." Maybe that worked for you, because you had something else that kept you going. I'm not judging you, but I am telling you- I want you in my life, I might even need you in my life. But if you don't make the effort to be in it, then you obviously don't deserve my desire to have you in my life.
I've watched you try and save her this whole time. I never understood why you were trying to save her, when if she wanted to change, she would have done it already. She isn't going to change for you, she's going to change for herself, if she ever changes, that is. This made me realize, when you love someone, your childhood naivety comes back into play. I love you, and I now realize that I've been trying to save you this whole time. I've been doing to you what you've been doing to her. Looking at it now, as I'm about to change myself, I know that I can't change you. I can't make you see what you are doing is wrong, because you do love her. I can't make you see what you need is right in front of you, because you are too busy feeding off of the love between you and her. I guess, maybe, this only makes sense in my head. I'm okay with that.
It's time for closure. This is no love letter. It's a goodbye letter. Goodbye to you. Goodbye to my old self. It's time to start over new. It's time to make a change and stop living in a fantasy world. It's time for the world to become a colder place. I'll always love you, but I am done. Thank you for everything- you shaped who I was. It's time for me to take over, and shape who I am.
Sincerely,
Danielle

Rainy Days

So, today I walked back from class in the rain. The whole time I saw a bunch of people with their umbrellas and speeding down the sidewalks on bikes. I decided to walk slower than usual. It was actually a really enjoyable time. Rain doesn't hurt, but I did feel like it cleared my mind. Not in the sense that it solved any of my problems, not that I have many, but more so that it took my mind off of everything, and I could just focus on the raindrops slowly hitting my body. It was a great feeling.


Why is it that the international center is such an awkward place to eat? Maybe it's because the tables are so close to one another. Or perhaps it's the random Philippine guy that was giving me the stare down while I was trying to enjoy my club bagel in peace.

I don't know why this is either, but I think when you eat in a public place, you feel more self conscious- like you're being judged by what, how, and where you eat. It's really awkward.

ADD in a post.

Campus has that perfect fall feeling right now. Just chilly enough to wear a zip up or a hoodie. My dorm room window has a tree right in front of it. The leaves on it are starting to change colors and it lights the room in a home-like way. However, it's somewhat of a catch 22. Yeah fall is beautiful- but with it comes seasonal depression (yes, I just made that term up).

Anyways.


I was bored and decided to look up my ADD medicine online. Apparently, it causes suicidal thoughts among teens and children. Well, I don't have suicidal thoughts, but it's scary knowing that my meds could cause them.
It also causes severe liver injury. I've been on it for over a year, and nothing has happened yet, but why didn't I know about this stuff before? It's just kind of weird.


I've decided I can't live in the same room with someone. I really hate it. Not to mention my roommate's a pathological liar. I can't even count how many times I've caught her in a lie. It's ridiculous.




I can't help but feel...I'm not cut out for this.

Wow.

So my last post was really bad.


I guess that's what homesickness does, huh?

It will get better. Hopefully I really will get a job. Plus, I don't have to wake up until really late tomorrow (class isn't until three).

Oh, and also, Mirah is really great music. I like it at least. It is chick folk, though.

You should give it a listen- Advisory Committee is my favorite album thus far.

I think I just need to realize that life isn't always fun, or easy. You have to work for your fortunes, and learn from your misfortunes.

I, personally, need to stop acting sorry for myself. I don't really feel sorry for myself, I think I'm just acting like it...

Lame, I know.


I'm done with that. From now on, this is going to be random and fun, no more depressing shit.

K? K,

Something to write about.

Have you ever been in one of those moods. The mood that makes you feel totally inadequate?

I was crossing the street tonight. It was dark outside and I was wearing a black sweatshirt. A pickup truck was coming up pretty fast to my right. It was one of those moments where they had just come from a stop sign so they were accelerating. The girls with me sped up to cross to insure their safety. I walked the same speed the whole way. At that one moment I would have been fine with that truck hitting me.

I was thinking about it while I was walking around campus, yesterday. If I were to get hit by a car, or a bus, I wouldn't want to die, but I most definitely wouldn't want to be fine. It's one of those things that would change your whole life...or what's the point. I know that sounds completely morbid.

I can assure you I don't want to die. I don't want to get hit by a bus or a car either. For some reason, though, these thoughts crossed my path.


It's just been one of those days, I guess.

I feel as if I haven't met enough people. Like my friendships should already be established, a month in. I hate that. Starter friends. It kinda sucks a lot. Heh- what great writing rhetoric I have, right?

I'm so used to staying out until three in the morning having all sorts of sober fun. Not here, though. If it were a Friday night back home, I would be sitting in a movie theatre, watching the previews. Around here everyone is out with their "other" friends, or sleeping, or who fucking knows. This is the time I feel most alone. It helps that I, obviously, am alone. I'm sitting in an empty room, listening to chick folk (Mirah).

So what to do? Get a job? Tried. Join a club? Tried that too.

For now, I guess, I'll just have to stick it out.


TGIF tomorrow.









Oh yeah, no one reads this... :(