The 8 Words That Made my Heart Beat Faster

8 words.  One sentence, or question, rather.  "Does this mean we can watch movies now?"

Ex-Boy asked me this question this morning.  This probably makes no sense to you.  How and why could these 8 words make my heart beat faster?

Lets rewind.

Ex-Boy and I have been talking a lot lately.  It started before my London trip.  We had the first somewhat pseudo-intelligent conversation that we've ever had.  I didn't think too much of it, except for the fact that he asked me to pick him up a certain kind of scarf there in which he'd pay me for.

I get  back and we continue to talk from time to time.  Sometimes I would instant message him, yet a lot of the times he'd instant message me.

One night his roommate who happens to be a friend of mine came to my apartment and we watched Run Lola Run- a great german film.  EB's Roommate went home and told Ex-Boy about it, in which EB started to talk to me more and more about movies.

I liked it, because it was, in his weird and twisted way, him opening up to me.

He started recommending films to me, which I would try to download.  He also said I could just borrow some of them from him.

To be honest, he was being friendly, but not inviting.

The other day he I/Med me though and raved about Techno Tuesday at one of the local bars (which I can get into).  He told me I should go next week, still though, friendly, but not extremely inviting, for a lot of my friends go with him.

Skip to last night.

It is Final Four, and my team, the Spartans have just made it into the national championships.  I'm out and about partying, and it's getting late.  I don't feel like wasting seven bucks, so I give EB's roommate a call, since I'm partying a couple houses down from them.  I ask if I could crash there and he said yes, but the couch was taken.  It's fine though because EB's roomie happens to be gay, which means I get the privilege of sleeping with him in his bed and it not being anything but sleeping.  I accept the invitation and head over there.

I'm in his room when we both hear Ex-Boy arrive home.  I decided oh so coincidentally (I have a problem with giving up on him, okay!) to go get a glass of water.

Ex-Boy seems happy to see me, and we are both drunk.  I go upstairs with him and, well...you know.

We wake up this morning and we are still all cuddly.

NOTE:  I'm weary of this.  This has happened a handful of times since we've been broken up where we would hook up and the next day we would cuddle, almost with a sad tone set to it, and then he wouldn't answer any calls or I/Ms from me  after, until a couple months later in which the same thing would repeat itself, and I still could never completely and fully give up on him.

This time it seemed different.  He wasn't the sad and sullen cuddly guy he usually is the morning after hooking up since we've been broken up.

I even mentioned it to him.  He was more open with me, talking about his family and friends, book, and movies.

We cuddle more, we kiss more, and it's cute.

He then turns to me and says the 8 words.  "Does this mean we can watch movies now?"  He then goes on to say, " I was too much of a pussy to ask you to watch all the movies I recommended you with me."  I reply and tell him the same thing.

He then asks me if I purposefully came about his house or if it was by sheer coincidence and need, and I admit that there might have been some plotting beforehand.

He's glad, he says.

He makes me breakfast and we cuddle more, then he drives me home on his bike.  When I get off of it and I go to hand him my helmet he says "Why don't you hold onto it, oh and don't forget we are watching movies together, and hopefully soon, please get at me soon".

WHAT DO I DO?!!! I  MELTED.

Yes, he cheated before.  Yes, he's a stupid boy.

But this time he really DOES seem different.  This time it's more than just "look at the weather" with him.  He's opening up.

I know, I know.  I need to be careful.

I still am in shock though.

Contact from Ex-Boy

Why?  Why do they (men, Exes in particular) do this to us (women)?

I'm sitting at my computer, minding my own business, which an away message up.  All of the sudden I get an instant message from, who?  Ex-Boy.

Keep in mind I haven't seen or talked to Ex-Boy since December, and even then it was the first time since September that I had seen him.

I have a theory.

Ex-Boy has yet to find someone (aside from his other ex who he cheated on me with) to be romantically involved with since me.

I propose that he does this to keep me on his little hook.  He doesn't want me to get too attached, yet he still wants that option to be available for the times when he's wanting to get out some sexual tension.

Therefore after seeing me he will wait weeks, if not months, and then, like a slithering snake, sneak up on me, and out of nowhere strike up a conversation.

It's always very relaxed, and usually starts with him poking fun at me in his lame attempts to  be flirtatious.

This time I played it differently.  I was polite, but I stayed focused on what I was doing (studying).  The conversation started to dwindle and he said he had to go (probably to avoid anymore awkward pauses).  That was it.

This is me, finally over all of it.  Lets just hope he doesn't ask to hang out though... I don't think I'm quite that strong yet to say no...

Obligatory V-Day Post

I guess it is time for the obligatory Valentine's Day post, huh?

Here's what I got:

I've never had an SO for Valentine's Day.  I've never even had a date for Valentine's Day.  Last year I was dating 'Ex Boy'.  He didn't even talk to me on V-Day.  Not a phone call, not even a text.

Needless to say I'm pretty pessimistic when it comes to this Hallmark Card Holiday.  This year, however, I've decided to treat myself to some goodies.

Goodie Numero Uno:  I bought new shoes.  They are adorable.  Rocket Dog, Converse-style shoes, that have colorful splatter paint on them.

Goodie Numero Dos:  I'm getting my hair done.  I had gotten it dyed dark and then red highlights throughout it a little over a month ago, and it has faded quite a  bit.  Therefore I'm getting the red redone :)  Perfect for this sad day we call a Holiday.

Also, I plan on hanging out with all of my single friends tonight (tomorrow night).  There will be drinks involved.  Lets just hope there's someone to make out with sloppily.

That's the plan.

A Shitty Day

Today is not a fun day.

For one, today is Ex-Boy's birthday.  For those of you that remember that far back, a year ago today Ex-Boy and I started officially dating.  I hate looking back now on how all of that turned out.  It makes me feel ill.

Also, last night was a premise for my bitterness today.

The story goes, BJ-M, one of my really good film friends that treats me like 'just one of the guys', and I have hung out a LOT over break.  Tons.  Well school has started again and nothing has changed.  Before, I used to think that BJ-M and I would inevitably hook up.  It was bound to happen.  Then new years came and he hooked up with a friend of mine, which was totally fine and it made me realize that I wouldn't want to hook up with him because it would make things weird between us, and our friendship is too awesome for that.

Well two nights ago, the inevitable did, in fact, happen.  We were drunk, and we made out.  Yesterday morning when I woke up lying next to him I was kind of worried about it- then he woke up and NOTHING was awkward- it was fine!  Yes! I thought.

Noooo.  It's bad.  Last night one of the other actresses BJ-M uses in his films (he directed A Little Change) came over there and was partying with us.

I 've known from the beginning that BJ-M is a man whore- I'm okay with that- but they hooked up...and she has a boyfriend.

I guess what bothers me more than the fact that I made out with him the other night and then he fucked another girl the next night is the fact that he fucked a girl with a boyfriend.

I've been cheated on by Ex-Boy and it's not fun.  To be an accessory to that, in my opinion, is just as bad as actually cheating.

I guess I just lost a lot of respect for him there.  And it has been boiling in my thoughts all day.  That on top of the anniversary of mine and Ex-Boy's relationship just makes today suck a little bit more...

A New Year

New Years Eve/ New Years...

A film club friend, we'll call him BJ-M, decided, after much applied pressure from me, to throw a New Years party.

The whole day of NYE was spent drinking.  My friend, Beth, came over and we drank Mimosas, cranberry and vodka, bacardi and lemonade, and more.  We maintained a constant buzz all day as we prepared for the night.  Another friend, SM, came up from home.

We went over to BJ-M's place around 6:30.  I was pretty drunk by 8.  We left for an hour to attend another party, and returned by 9:30.  We all drunkenly watched the ball drop and then danced and sang (read: screamed) to music blaring from BJ-M's Bose speakers.

Next thing I know, I'm full on making out with FA (remember him?).  We are standing, making out in the center of all of these people dancing and singing to random music.  We make our way to a not-so-private chair in the corner of the room.  Lets just put it this way- things got heated, perhaps a little too heated for public.  Can't say I didn't enjoy it- but it is now the new year.

New years brings new resolutions.  I've thought this over.  I have some good ones.  I feel as if I say them out loud, though, I'll never actually succeed.  So for now, I'm leaving them to myself.  Lets just say, though, they don't involve random make outs in public- nor do they involve going over to NNBoy's to "watch a movie".

Time to clean up my act.

With that said, New Years this year, was probably the best party I've ever been to.

Not to mention both of my friends were total vixens, both bringing in the new year with new men.

Way to go girls.

This Ship is Shipping On

Today is a new milestone in my life.

Last night we had a little party.  Drunken EB decided to invite over Ex-Boy.

I guess I wasn't really expecting him to show up, but he did.  The party went on.  Nothing really happened, and then it was time for bed.  Throughout all of mine and Ex-Boy's relationship when we were dating I was living in the dorms.  Thus, I would always go to his place and sleep in his bed, not the other way around because I had a roommate.

Last night was the first night that he's ever slept in my bed with me.

If you'd ask me last night before bed if I was going to hook up with my ex, I'm pretty sure the answer would sound something like this, "Ummm, yahhh, wanna shot?!"

However, once we got into bed, something just didn't feel right.  He put his arm around me and we started  to spoon, but even that didn't feel as comfortable and safe as I remember it.  Slowly his arm relaxed away from me, probably when he realized that I wasn't going to make the first move.  We drifted off to  sleep, an entire foot between us.

Early this morning he woke up and left to go to work.  I laid in bed and thought about how I was happy nothing happened.  How I really wasn't as comfortable with him as I used to be.

I think I have finally gotten over Ex-Boy...

..and it feels damn good.

Time to move on, or as one of my favorite music artists (Mirah) would say, "This ship is shipping on".

I'm not playing it, I AM it.

Does 'playing hard to get' really work?  I was 'reflecting', if you will, on old conversations I've had with people via email and facebook messages.  I got pretty far back, all the way into the beginnings of Ex-Boy and I's first 'date' after the hookup.  When I was reading our messages, I couldn't help but think of how disinterested I sounded with him.  I just didn't seem to be that into him.

Truth is, in the beginning, I wasn't interested in him.  I was still hung up on 'The Let Down' and all I could think of was, what the hell does this kid have to offer.

I was totally playing Samantha on Sex and the  City- you know, how she's really only down for one night deals.  That's what I though Ex Boy was going to be.

It would also seem that the fact that I was so disinterested in Ex-Boy is what kept the conversation flowing.  The more I made excuses not to hang out or broke plans or whatever, the more he kept asking me out, and kept saying all the cute things that would have made me smitten when I wanted him back oh so much after the break up.

I'm starting to truly think that the independent women, the disinterested women, the girl who isn't really 'playing' hard to get, but rather the one that is hard to get, is the girl guys are interested in.

What's so attractive about disinterest?

It rings true both ways, it would seem.  The more I try to make plans with FA that don't work out, the more I want to snag him.

What do you think?

This Could Get Interesting

Lets say I have an evil twin.  Lets also say this twin is somewhat of a make-out whore.

You see, on monday, in leu of celebration over winning the 48/5, as you already know, I got pretty drunk.  When I get as drunk as I got the evil twin tends to take over me.  And I tend to kiss more people than intended.

All would be fine, had there not been photographic evidence of both incidences.  Yes, I kissed FA... Apparently I also kissed, lets call him CS (costar, perhaps?).  Okay, it's way more than apparent, I think I knew what I was doing the whole time.  At least my twin knew what she was doing.

Normally this wouldn't matter.  However, I actually like FA, which makes me worried that I'm jeopardizing the possibilities I have with him.  I'm just hoping that he doesn't ever get hold of the photos.  Because not only would he see a cute make-out pic of us, but he'd also see one of CS and I.  

Did I mention that CS, FA, and I are all supposed to road trip together this break to our director's hometown to film some?

Like I said, this could get interesting...

8 Drinks Deep

My friends...are the best 'wing-girls' ever.

Last night, I brought my three friends (see halloween post) along with me to the premiere of our film.  When they got in the car I noticed they were all pretty trashed.  "Great!" I thought, "This is going to be fucked up."  I'm not going to lie, I was worried that they were  going to embarrass me, or seem annoying to my film club buddies.

Honestly, I had nothing to worry about.  Film club boys all loved them.

After we won we decided to take all our prize money and buy shit tons of alcohol.  We were on a mission to get wasted in celebration!

So we go to our trusty director's house.

I had 4 1/2 shots of Sambouka (I have no clue how to spell it), 2 shots of burnettes, a couple beers, and a mixed drink of captain and cider.  So, as I'm sure you can guess,  at the time I didn't fully appreciate how awesome my friends are at talking me up to, we'll call him, FA. 

Apparently they told him, "So many guys like EB" "She turns them all down, though"  "The guy she likes now is so so hot."

Who would have thought that would make FA interested? I didn't.  Apparently it did.  His response was, "Oh, really?!  Who is this guy. What's his name?!"

This altimately ended in a hallway-makeout session, in front of pretty much all of film club.

Way to go Wing-Girls.

I love my life.

Music is my Heroin

Could you ever date someone who didn't like, or listen to, music?

I'm not sure that I could. Although I've gotten behind on keeping up with the latest jams, I still am so passionately in love with all the music I listen to, that I can't imagine someone not listening to it.

For me, music is healing. When I break up with someone, or something doesn't go my way, I turn to it to console me, to help me get through it.

I don't know what I would have done had I not had Bonnie Somerville's 'Winding Road' to get me through my break up with the Ex-Boy. What would I have turned to had I never discover how great Death Cab for Cutie is while walking through campus in the fall?

How is it that I can have a crush on someone who doesn't listen to music, or, dare I say it, doesn't even like music.

Music gets me through my day, and helps me fall asleep at night.

Can you really be compatible with someone who doesn't share, or care to share, a passion with you that you've carried inside of you forever?

Are. You. Kidding. Me?

Today has been so weird. For one, I love my friends, glad I still had fun at the tailgate and game without drinking. That's not the weird part though. The weird part is that for some reason, guys seem to think I'm just around and down for hooking up. I'm sorry if I gave you that impression but seriously, I'm not down for that shit anymore. It's not even random drunk guys, which makes it worse. It's the one's I know. The one's I hang out with. It's stupid.

I'm no one's random hookup, I'm no one's back burner girl, and I want a relationship, so unless you're down for something real, don't come barking up this tree, cause this cat won't be coming down.

A Friday Night- Continued.

Remember how I was going to stay in last night and watch Roomie B's movies?  Well, before I even got the chance to pop a movie in, I was instant messaging with, we'll call him, Summer Fling (this fling took place the summer before my freshman year at MSU-2007).  We both had a lot of homework/studying to get done so I suggested we go to the library and hit the book, he agreed, and there went the idea of movies.

So we go to the library and we start to talk and next thing you know we're talking about why we didn't make it, etc etc.  Then a message comes over the loudspeaker stating that the library is going to close, so I, in my mind thinking about how we can still study but not be in an intimate setting (that could get weird), suggest that we go to the 24 hour coffee place down the road.  He, however, suggests that we go to his dorm to study.  I think about it for a second, and I think to myself, "you know, this is actually very friendly in the non-romantic sense, so that's fine".  Big mistake.

During our conversation in the car we shoot the shit, he tells me about a girl that might be coming to state in the fall that he is waiting for.  Supposedly, if everything works out and the transfer goes through, then they'll be a long-distance couple until she gets here.  I tell him about all my failed relationships since him, and it's still just friendly.

We get to the dorm, and it seems SF wants to do everything but study.  We put a movie on to watch while we hit the books.  He seemed to get a lot closer to me on the futon, when I stand up to look at something in his room he follows and gets right in my bubble.

Cut to sitting on the futon, he grabs my arm and my highlighter and starts to draw on it.  Then he takes my hand and starts playing with my rings.  All the while I'm trying to keep to studying and ignore the fact that he's coming onto me hardcore.  I don't know how it happened, but we started wrestling around a little, and I throw him off the futon, and he brings me down with him.  Next thing I know his face is less than a foot from mine.  Being cool-headed like I never am, I pull away and start the "awkward conversation".

Here's me: "What are you doing, you have a girl waiting for you, we can't do this, not to mention the fact that I'm not looking for any random hook-ups, I've had enough of those, I'm ready for something of substance."

Here' him: "Ughhh, but we're only hypothetical, it's not like we are actually dating...yet."

Here's me:  "Well like I said, regardless of her, I'm not looking for just hooking up- if you wanted to date again...maybe, but I'm not just hooking up with you."

Here's him:  "I'm not going to lie, I'm just a horny 20 year old."

So everything was settled, we got back to studying. So I thought, at least.  I glance over at SF and next thing I know he grabs me and kisses me.  Of course- stupid me, I melt.  We make out for a second- then I come to my senses and stop him.

Me: We can't do this.  What about her? Are you going to tell her you just kissed another girl.

Him: No.  We aren't dating yet.

Me: Way to start a relationship though...

Him: Ughh I'm a douchebag.

Again, the end of it, we get back to studying...

5 minutes later he's on top of me and we're making out like crazy.  Stupid Stupid Stupid me!  Lucky for us, I hear his suitemate and we stop immediately, his suitemate wanders into his room and mumbles something about taco bell, asks me my name, gets it wrong, then leave the room.  I tell SF, I need to leave...now.

I start getting my stuff together and it's like a movie- I'm standing to grab my sweatshirt, SF is looking at me, and next thing I know he grabs me and pins me against a wall and is kissing me.  I push him off, say a quick "it was nice seeing you again," and I'm off.

As disappointed in myself as I could be, because I keep telling myself I'm done with all this bullshit, I'm also pretty proud of myself for not letting it go any farther, and for leaving.  It would have been so easy and so comfortable to keep going and just spend the night there.  Good thing I left though.  That's not what I'm looking for anymore.  Not that I'm looking to find someone I'm gonna marry- but I'm sick of the random shit.  

I'm also glad to know that I can still have an interesting evening, without it involving alcohol.