Checks and Balances of "I Love You's"

Matters of the

heart are (hardly)

'diplomatic'.

Jagged edges

of a dismal blade

run smoother

than those feelings

that overcome

one (or many).

It's messy yet

addicting; one

can(t) help but

fight for the

heartbreak.

I've been awarded

the awful pain

of those (few) words.

'I Love You's'

are never spoken

when deep in

the [politics] of

love.

Rather (reserved)

for befores

and afters.

***

So I've decided to start writing some poetry more often.  I haven't done it in a very long time, and I used to really enjoy it so I shall.

This one is dedicated to my feelings on sex and love trying to coincide in one world.

Enjoy!

Post Number 200

This is my 200th post.  I almost think it's sad that it took me this long to get here.

I've thought long and hard about what I'd have to say in this post.  And there really isn't much.

I've felt completely uninspired lately and bored with what I write.

There's nothing to it, no literary genius, no noticeable flow.  I need something more, some extreme life experiences that'll hopefully spark something inside me, causing me to write beautiful, poetic pieces.

Until then...

I need a break.

Waiting

I recently auditioned for a short film that had a concept that really stuck with me. In a scene from the screenplay a man is talking about how he was always waiting around for stuff to happen. He waited for everything, and felt as though he spent most of his life waiting. He finally decided to stop waiting and take control of his life.

When you really think about it, it's so true. We do, in fact, spend most of our lives waiting. Whether it's waiting in line, waiting for your food at a restaurant, waiting at a traffic light, waiting for a certain movie to come out- we spend a lot of time doing something that is pretty boring.

Personally, I'm so sick of waiting around for things to happen. Waiting for life to take place. Yet, how do you change? How do you stop all this waiting and take over your life? How do you make things happen for yourself?

If anyone has the answer, please, let me know.

Some Reviews

Yesterday my family and I fulfilled our yearly Christmas tradition of seeing a movie and eating Chinese food- if you know of my hometown, you'd know this is what every single Jewish family does on Christmas Eve/ Christmas.  Not only did I see a movie with my family, but I also went to my best friend's to exchange gifts and then a group of us went to a different movie.

That's right- two movies in one day.  So, here are my reviews- I'll try not to spoil anything from either film.

Gran Torino

Directed by: Clint Eastwood

Screenplay: Nick Schenk

Story by: Nick Schenk and Dave Johannson

Let me just start by saying that Clint Eastwood is bad ass.  Not only is he an amazing actor- but he also directs, produces, writes, composes, and does still photography.  He is a triple threat times two.

I'm shocked and surprised that this film doesn't have more hype around it. I went in expecting something great, and what I got was nothing short of fantastically spectacular.  Films can go two different ways- they can move with dialogue, or they can move with action.  This film- did both, keeping the audience completely intact on the way.  The dialogue in this movie was brilliant.  I was not disappointed with one line of the film.  In addition, you can tell that Nick Schenk really knew these characters he was writing- they leapt out of the actors and took over the film.  There was so much conviction and motivation behind almost every single one of them (however, there was one part where the young boy that played Tao was extremely unconvincing, but we'll let it slide).  Not only was the dialogue, and characters amazing, but the plot and story was well thought out, and easily conveyed through the other elements of the film.

Most of the movie had me in fits of laughter- dark comedy like.  The end of the film had me in a puddle of tears- and kept me thinking about the film the rest of the day.

I'm giving it a 9.5/10- It's now on my favorite movie list.

Doubt

Directed by: John Patrick Shanley

Play by: John Patrick Shanley

Adapted Screenplay by: John Patrick Shanley

As you can see from above, John Patrick Shanley wrote Doubt as a one act play.  He then adapted it for screen, in which he directed his own movie.  In my opinion, very few writers can get away with this, and he is not one of them.  This being because when you write something for entertainment either on screen or stage, you have to completely throw yourself in the work.  It is very difficult to see something you've completed in a new light, and try to change it for screen.

This film was really disappointing.  The content and the idea for the film are both great.  However, the film seriously lacked...something.  For one, it dragged on.  This would be expected though when adapting a ONE ACT (shorter version of a play) to a feature length film.  For two, the plot was very muffled, probably because of the slowness of the film.  Nothing really builds in the film, yet all of the sudden you're at the climax, wondering- when did this happen? Did I fall asleep?

I will say, the acting was impeccable.  Meryl Streep really did scare me.  Amy Adams, although she seems to always play a similar character, did a great job of being frightened of Streep, and conveying her emotions.  The children in the film also did well.  I also really liked the content of the film, because it was good for dinner table discussions.

The ending of the movie, didn't bother me, per say, but I felt like I wasn't watching a film, but rather an over the top play.  It actually reminded me of when I was in a play, Quiet in the Land, my freshman year of high school- if that says anything for it.

As for the nitty gritty stuff- they used some really great camera angles- however, in areas of the film where they didn't go with what was happening in the movie.  The lighting was dramatic where it needed to be, and the weather worked right with the character's emotions.

There's a scene where Streep and Philip Seymour Hoffman are in a screaming fight- you hear a loud storm in the  background.  However, as soon as they calm down, the storm is suddenly gone.  It reminded me too much crappy high school theatrical effects, almost.

I think John Patrick Shanley could have done so much more with it had he had someone else adapt it for screen, and someone else direct it.  He should just stick to theatre.

I'm giving it a 5.8/10- probably wouldn't see it again.

Writing Reality, Not a Script

Once I was sitting in the library cafe, and these guys were sitting behind me.  I kept catching bits and pieces from their conversations and let me tell you- they were quite ridiculous.

One of the guys was in a relationship.  His issue was should he call the girl because he knew if he didn't he'd get in trouble with her, however, he really didn't feel like talking to her.

The friend was being a total 'bro', if you will.  "Dude, don't call her.  Or call her really late at night after she went to sleep so she won't want to talk to you."

After he finally called her, they continued on with conversation.

The guy with the girlfriend started to tell his friend an elaborate story, in which he obviously put a lot of effort into constructing to make it seem witty and great.

After this guy tells his extremely long story, his friend turns to him and says, "So, I have this problem where I don't listen when people talk, seriously, its been going on forever, ever since I was a little kid.  My teachers and parents would always get so mad, but they knew I couldn't help it.  So, What did you say?"

It's things like this that I need to look for in conversation in order to make my writing more real.  Sometimes I feel like everything I write is so over-scripted.  Of course I'm not just talking about blogging, but the screenplays I am working on as well.

It's hard to always keep these little conversations I overhear in mind while writing, and I find myself going back, over, and over, and over again changing things to make it seem more real.

First Day

Today I will be writing based off of a prompt for One-Minute Writer again.  The prompt says: describe a first day.

My first day at MSU was one of the most bitter sweet moments in my life... at the time.  It was before 'The Let Down' (see label for old posts of 'The Let Down') actually let me down.  I woke up at 7 AM that morning, although I'm pretty sure I never really slept the night prior.  The car was already packed from the night before because my Dad couldn't move me in, so his job was to make sure we were completely ready to leave in the morning.  I was stressed, like really stressed.  The last thing I wanted to do was to go to school and leave behind the bar I was working at that summer and, of course, I didn't want to put distance between me and The Let Down (lets just call him LD).  I drove my little red cutlass while my mom followed me to LD's house.  He came outside and I got out of the car.  It was pretty much ritual that whenever we drove together in my car I would make him drive and I'd play ipod DJ.

The whole car ride there we talked about everything, as always.  About college, about his past, about his trashy girlfriend; everything.  LD said, "I was thinking, you know, I'm no good with talking on the phone, so I thought, maybe we could write to each other?"  It was like he read my mind.  There was one thing I specifically remember asking him as we were driving to East Lansing.  I looked at him (as always, with admiration) and said, "LD, can we just run away to California?  Fuck MSU, lets just go."  He just looked at me and said, "EB, you need to get away to College, you need MSU.  You'll be fine."  Little did I know that he was foreshadowing the fact that only about a month later he was going to end our friendship.

****

When I got to school I checked in while my mother and LD parked the cars.  We unpacked all of my stuff.  LD set up my printer, and then my roommate finally showed up.  Oh man.  Her first impression was great.  I thought we were going to be best of friends because we were so similar.  Later, it turned out our similarities were the biggest weakness in our friendship, but this isn't about that, it's about my first day.  After I unpacked everything LD, my mother, and I went to lunch.  It was quite lovely, really.  LD got up to go to the bathroom and my mother told me that in their short car ride/walk from parking the cars LD raved about me, about how special I was to him, what a good friend I was.  This still makes no sense to me.

****

I was dreading what was to come next after our lunch.  It was time for them to drop me off and say goodbye.    I went with them to pick up the other car and LD and I drove my car to drop me off at the dorm.  Tears filled my eyes and I had a large lump in my throat, preventing me from doing any speaking.  I remember swallowing hard and catching my breath in order to say goodbye.  LD looked at me and told me, "Don't even worry, you'll be home on most weekends!  And we're going to write to each other."  He gave me one last hug goodbye.  I told him I'd be home in two weeks and we'd have to hang out.  I got out of the car, and as I walked to the door of my dorm  I turned my head over my right shoulder and took one last look at LD.  Right as I did this he yelled, as loud as he could, out my window, "I love you!  Have fun!"  I smiled, and responded, "I will."  He drove off, and I walked inside.

Obsession.

Due to the fact that I'm working tonight, and I feel as though it will be a long one, I'm going to blog.

Here I go:

I'm gonna try something new, which will probably help focus my writing a bit more, which, we can all admit, I could use a little help with that from time to time.  One Minute Writer so kindly offers prompts to write about.  Today's is 'What bad habit would you like to change?'

If I could change any of my bad habits the one I most likely would change would have to be how I obsess about things.  I'm going to try my hardest to not make myself sound like a crazy person here, but I tend to get overly stressed about things, leading to a bit of obsession.  It varies from situation to situation, but whenever something upsets me, or something leaves me uneasy, I focus way too much on it, which, in turn, causes even more stress.

I'm very aware of this little quirk I posses, and I will admit, it's one of my biggest vices.  I often find myself pleading with my brain to stop focusing on the small stuff and just relax; think about something else.  It's nearly impossible.  I mean, you read my blog.  You all can tell, I'm sure, how much I do this. Whether it was about Matt from the very very early blogging days (I believe there were at least 20 posts dedicated to that little situation), or if it's about my recent jail experience, which, after it happened, I believe I wrote about it for 2 or 3 weeks.

I also do this when it comes to boys.  No, that is too light a way to put it;  especially when it comes to boys- there, that's better.  I swear, it's not in a creepy way, but more in a 'this is so annoying I can't stop thinking about him' kind of way.  I can even go as far to say that I blame everything with Ex-Boy that happened after the relationship on it.  If it weren't for this stupid little habit, he wouldn't have been in my head so much, and I wouldn't have been so tempted to keep going back, even 6 months later.

Will it ever go away?  Perhaps with time.  If it doesn't go away, will I learn to just count it as background music to my twisted life?  Lets hope so.

Until then, I'm going to go obsess more about Twilight, and the fact that the movie comes out in 3-4 days, depending on where you live.  Get excited!

It's about that time

After formulating about my character, Nathanial Matis (see post for recall), I decided to start writing his story. Although I originally wanted to write a screenplay, I'd changed my mind and decided to just write a short story, perhaps it would turn into a long story, and perhaps it could go farther than that. I hope to eventually write a screenplay but I don't think I'm quite ready for that yet. My imagination seems to go wild and I can't contain it to something that could be filmed with virtually no budget and the little resources/locations that MSU has to offer.

In lieu of my character and his story I've decided to break it up for you all, so you aren't reading a devastating amount of paragraphs. With that said, I've created a blog solely dedicated to this.

I hope you all read it, comment on it, and provide me with the constructive criticisms I need to make it a brilliant piece of work.

Here it is: The untitled story of certain event that pertain the the character Nathanial Matis.

Excuse me

Please, I beg of you, excuse me for that mess of a post last night.

I've become delirious between the hours of 7 PM and 3 AM recently due to the lack of energy and extreme amounts of studying.

I must say though, even though I haven't taken my Accounting exam yet today, I feel completely renewed and relieved! Why, you ask? I, my friends, have just officially changed my major. This is the last week of me being a business major, I will soon be EB- in progress of a BA in English with a Film Studies concentration!

I went through and changed all of my classes for next sememster. It's so...refreshing.

Of course, my business classes this semester still matter...kind of.

The nice thing about an English major at MSU is you get two cognates- so all of my business classes can be used toward my major, filling up one cognate!! The other cognate, you ask? Well that will be theatre of course! I get to do all the things I love (and hate) in one major- yay!


I know you are all so sick of the updates on my academics- and believe me, soon enough I will be posting silly stories of parties past and anctedotes of fun times at film club- but until then- it's off to studying more for the dreaded accounting exam that is to take place in about 49 minutes :(

Ruh Rohhh!

So, I already failed NoBloPoMo by not posting, oops.  However, since I'm still awake and studying, I feel as if this post counts as still being Thursday, so lets pretend that it is :)

I'm in the library with my friend named Lucky- yes I have a friend who's name is legitimately named Lucky!

We're studying for accounting and we are exhausted.  However, we will overcome!

I still have another exam on Monday- econ, which I don't even bother studying for anymore, and then I shall be done with the hell that is my academic life.

I'd just like to take this time to say- the single life is the creeper's life.

I know it's so random, but it's late and I'm tired, so I'm gonna be random.

Back to my comment.

The reason I say this is because when someone is single,  I feel as though they tend to always keep a 'lookout' for that one person.  They start going to places that generally have more attractive people there.  Instead of hitting up Bigby's coffee which has the not so great looking baristas but is closer to my apartment, I'll go to starbucks to oggle the gorgeous barista man, whom is probably gay, with my luck.  I know it's not just me who does this, and if it is, then wow!  I'm creepy.  Not only that though, I feel as though when I meet new people I automatically become interested in who they are, if they're SINGLE, etc. etc.

 

What is it that automatically makes us search so hard, without even meaning to?

November

So, I've decided to to NaBloPoMo, which is basically a challenge to write a blog post (or, knowing me, more) a day.

For the purpose of not driving everyone crazy, I'm going to refrain from talking about the election, or anything politically related... I will say, whatever happens, happens.  We won't be able to change what the results are, so just have faith that whichever candidate wins will do a good job, and take good care of our country.

With that said, today has been a lazy day, and it had no right to be.  I have an exam Thursday, a paper due as well, and an exam Friday.  I should be studying.  I've seem to let my studies go.  It's hard to get back into the gist of things when your classes are completely uninteresting.  I'm meeting with an advisor from the English department on Friday so I'm hoping we can get everything figured out..

Not only has my motivation for school run dry, but I feel completely unmotivated to work on my screenplay as well.  I've deleted all of it except for two scenes.  It has no direction, and I need to figure it out.  I'd like to be able to do a read through with film club in a week.  We'll see if I even make it through this week with all the work I'm neglecting to get done.

And again, I find myself writing about absolutely nothing important...

Eavesdropping.

Normally I wouldn't post twice in such a short period of time, but there seems to be nothing on tv, and nothing to do, so I figured, why not?

Have you ever sat somewhere, like a coffee shop, or bookstore, and just eavesdropped on someone's conversation.  I tend to do this a lot on accident.  It's not that I really care what they're saying, I wouldn't call it nosy, but I would call it people watching.  You can get the best material or inspiration to write about just listening to other people's conversations.

This is because it's real.  It's something substantial because it really happened, or it really was discussed.  This makes it interesting, something that others would want to read.

I recently wrote a screen play, if you remember correctly.  I had a friend read it, and the one scene that he really liked, that he thought was substantial and not just a filler for the rest of the script was the scene I based off of a conversation I heard in one of my classes.

I try to bring with me now, everywhere I go, a piece of scrap paper or a small notebook to jot down things I hear others say, bits and pieces of conversations, or thoughts I have based on other's conversations.

Maybe nothing will come of it, or perhaps, something great will.

Nathaniel Matis

That's his name- the character I've stormed up based on the man I saw in the library.

Here's his character profile (hopefully a story, if not a screen play will come of this):

Basics

Name:  Nathaniel Matis

Nickname: Nate

Age: 23

Birthday: February 16, 1985

Hometown: Glenview, IL (suburb of Chicago, about 30 minutes away)

Current town: East Lansing

Undergrad: U of M- Bachelors Degree in English

Graduate: MSU- working on getting his masters in English

Aspirations: Aspires to be a political columnist/ novelist

Vices or bad Qualities: opinionated, overly curious, overly mysterious

Eyes: brown

Hair: brown

Skin: slightly pale

Height: Average- about 6 ft.

weight: skinny- about 162 lbs.

Family

Parents: Mom (Kathy) and Dad (Jacob)

Siblings: One brother- 4 years younger, Carter

Pets: A family dog- English Bulldog named Rockie

Random facts

-Drives a Trans-Am

-Longest relationship was 2 years with his high school girlfriend (Junior/senior yrs.)  Broke up when he left for school

-Dresses well

-Favorite color is rust orange, favorite color to wear is brown

-favorite food is mom's chicken casserole 

-Listens to classical music or NPR when he drives, but his favorite genre is indie rock/ electronic beats

-favorite artist is Dali

-frequents starbucks- favorite drink to order is Coffee, black, with one equal

-Favorite alcoholic beverage is White Russian

-His room at home is hunter green, and he sleeps on flannel checkered sheets

-At school he lives in an apartment with his asian american roommate whom he met at U of M and coincidentally both of them ended up at MSU as grad students.  (2 bed/1 bath)

-He's only slept with 3 women- the 2 year relationship, a girl he dated for a couple of months at U of M, and one of his best friends.

-He's dated some but mostly brainless girls that won't hold his interest.

-Looks for intelligence, beauty, simplicity, focus, and pensiveness in women

-His best friend (not the one he slept with) is female, she's in an on and off relationship with the same guy for the past 3 years.

-He's frustrated with school, wants it to end, and wants to move to D.C.

So lets hope more comes of Nate.  Even more so, lets hope I see his twin in the library again, so I can study him more!

The Character

I find myself, again, trapped in the library until 9 PM, studying only Accounting and reading for my middle eastern conflict class. What to do? I started writing on my little study breaks I allot myself. I was focused on one library-goer. A male, looked like a TA, grading blue books. In my head (and on paper) I wrote his whole life story from where he came from, his family, etc. Apparently knowing your characters is a huge part of writing (go figure). I made him an English major (no, the obsession has not yet subsided with my new major). He ran into a friend and chatted him up for a while across the room. Long story short, his friend ended chatting up another friend close by and I found out- he is and English major. Thanks to my awesome eavesdropping skills, I discovered I learned not only about the character I made up in my head, but about the man he's based off of. This has nothing to do with anything except digressing from my studies. Maybe I'll elaborate later...

Over

"Over"

Holding on to a ghost, unable to release it
He's kicking and screaming, throwing things, running in circles, he's screaming
She's a wall, red brick, no texture, just a wall
A vase full of glass flowers, falling from a skyscraper
The glass scatters and shatters, making an unbearable crashing sound
Who's going to sweep up the pieces? (She will) Who's going to bury the glass? (She will)
Who's going to get the fuck over it? (She won't)
But she will...for it's now over
And the sad song of the glass ends
And she walks away from its new grave
(No turning back)
And she walks away from its new grave
The wind continues to blow, full force

Birth <---> Death

Last night, before I went to bed, I was talking to my mother on the phone. My cousin, Tasha, is having a baby. She's due any day now, and we were talking about if I'm going to be able to get work off or not. We decided that if I asked today at work about it, they'll probably let me go home if she happens to go into labor this weekend, so I wouldn't have to work my sunday shift. Well, a couple hours after our phone conversation I went to sleep. The phone conversation must have been in my sub conscious because I dreamt that I had to skip work, however, not for a baby, but rather for a death. Not only was it one death, but two deaths. The first was my step-aunt, Sheryl. I rarely ever see her, and we aren't close by any means. The other death was less clear. I know it was a grandparent of some sort, and I know it was on my mom's side, but I just don't know if it was my grandma (who is still living, and whom I really don't think it was) or if it was my grandpa (who is already dead, so it wouldn't make much sense). The whole thing kind of scared me. Now I'm kind of on edge every time my phone rings...



On a completely unrelated note, I can't wait to go home for Thanksgiving! I know I've been blogging about this a lot, but it is honestly my favorite holiday. Super stoked.

You know what I haven't written in a while...poetry. I miss it.

"Friday Shift"

Vinyl on metal
chipped paint everywhere
Constant vibrations of treadmills
Running, running
Lifting (too much) lifting
House of power


That is dedicated to this gym job I do every friday, that keeps me writing.

A funny thing.

What's funny is, this is post number 27, yet still no one knows about this blog. Maybe, maybe 2 of my friends know about it. Probably only one of the two actually read it from time to time. It's a pointless thing, yet I feel so great when I write. I can ramble, get angry, be selfish, and no one cares. It's rather amazing, if you ask me. ICouldTypeLikeThis, but because no one reads it, it won't bother anyone :)

I'm back at school now. This morning I was telling my dermatologist how "I have nothing to stress out about, it must be something else," but the second I get to school, I feel stressed. Interesting, right.

I made it just in time to be able to take my reading quiz in WRA today. My prof used my paper as an example of a good paper. It made me feel good, until I got the paper back. I only got a 3.7, .1 better than my last paper. If she's gonna use it as an example she should have at least gave me a 3.8.

I can't believe this infection is going around all of the high schools. You know that means, soon enough, it will be spreading through universities. We just cleaned our bathroom so we aren't the one's who spread it, hah.

I've decided, blogging is good for the soul.

:-)

"Why do we do what we do?"- Chuck Palahniuk

It's Friday. A beautifully ugly Friday. It's cold and dark outside. I don't care. It's still Friday. Tonight, is going to be amazing. My welcome home, if you will. This weekend, for that matter, will be amazing. I have to go to a conference with my WRA Prof. I don't care, though. It's Friday. I have to go to math- it's still Friday.

I love Chuck Palahniuk's style of writing. It's disgusting, yet amazing. It captures and consumes its reader in the best way possible. Just finished reading "Lullaby", loved it. Reading "Diary" now, so far, so good. I think "Invisible Monsters" and "Survivor" will always be my favorites, but we'll see what comes of "Diary" "Choke" and "Haunted".


I also love The Album Leaf. this kind of music not only is beautiful to listen to, but it makes you feel. It generates emotions. That's the best kind of music there is, in my opinion. I think The Album Leaf has even surpassed Explosions In The Sky, for me. I still their music though. Four Tet is still new for me, so we'll see what comes of that I guess.

Four more minutes.

Did you know...

...that Barnes & Noble Booksellers will publish your work for only $299. They'll put it on the web (www.bn.com) with a custom cover, for $499. They'll even put the book in the store for 60 day for the price of $1099.

For someone who just has some random cash lying around, or even for someone who starts saving, little by little, this is a pretty cool idea.

The only problem I have is what I write about- wouldn't be interesting to others. Hah.