Here is the film we made for the 48/5 film competition (which one first place, and an entry into the East Lansing Film Festival)
ENJOY!!!
Showing posts with label nostalgia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label nostalgia. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Now and Then.
When I was in high school I never had a solid group of friends. I kind of was a nomad- traveling between different groups. Aside from Ex-Friend, whom I've never talked about (it's a long story which I'll post about a different day), every year I had different friends that I'd hang out with. Ex-Friend would come along for th trip, also changing her friends each year. I don't know why this is, if I had to guess it's because I didn't know who I was, thus I didn't quite know where I fit or what kind of friends I wanted.
It's weird looking back on that time because I'm in such a different place now; a better place. I have a real solid group of friends, in whom I love to spend time with, I've been so busy over break, which isn't normal considering breaks for me are usually pretty boring, and I had, probably, the best New Years Eve/ New Years ever.
It's nice to look back and realize, for now at least, that you've found yourself.
It's refreshing.
It's weird looking back on that time because I'm in such a different place now; a better place. I have a real solid group of friends, in whom I love to spend time with, I've been so busy over break, which isn't normal considering breaks for me are usually pretty boring, and I had, probably, the best New Years Eve/ New Years ever.
It's nice to look back and realize, for now at least, that you've found yourself.
It's refreshing.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
I Hope I Won't Regret This: Part 3
Well. The Let Down and I set plans for today to meet. After I listened to his voicemail from Part 2 I decided that I really did want to meet up and talk about what had happened.
We met at 3:30 pm at a small hometown restaurant. It was scary- to say the least. I haven't seen this guy, the guy that was my best friend, whom I really did love, in a year and 4 months.
We talked about what happened, and I tried my best to listen with open ears, which I think I did well. He said how he barely remembers why we stopped being friends, and of course, I reminded him. He said that he didn't mean it how I took it that night, when he said I needed a clean slate and needed to start over. That he was drinking the night we talked, which makes sense.
Ready for the kicker? I asked how his 'wife' was doing. His response- they broke up. "Well did you even marry her?" No. He didn't. He said he just told me that to hurt me because he was angry that I wasn't understanding him, and that I took it that he wanted to end our friendship.
I guess what he was trying to say that night was not that our friendship needed to end- but rather that we just needed time apart, and he felt our friendship was strong enough to go on hold, just until Trashy Girl was okay with us being friends.
He apologized. I could tell he meant it, and that he really did care- but he showed it in an awful way.
We then went on to talk about what has happened to each of us over the past year and 4 months. He has really gotten his life together- and I really am happy for him. He broke up with Trashy Girl, and has been seeing a new girl for the past 3 months. He moved out of his mom's place, and got a car. He really went into a lot of detail about what had happened to him over the time apart. I didn't. It felt like I was starting over, like he didn't know me at all- I couldn't make it as personal as we used to be. That was sad for me.
I told him that I was glad he was doing well and it was nice seeing him. I also reminded him that he now has my email and if he'd like to, he can send me a message.
I don't know that he will. I'd like him to, though. Either way though, for me, this was closure. Well needed closure.
I just hate that I feel so sad after it all. It feels like a part of my heart died. That chapter of my life is now closed- and there's no replacing the words on the page, or rewriting the ending. What happened, really did happen- and I realize that more than ever after talking about it with him.
I guess it's time to move on.
Oh, and I did get my book back...
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
What Happens After High School
It's so weird how people change after high school. Yet, around Christmas, we all act as if it never happened- as if we never just up and left our lives in our hometowns and went away to university- this will be the second year of that for me.
For me, college couldn't have come soon enough. The friends I have that went to my high school I didn't really become friendly with until I was in college. I mean of course there's the select 3 that are my best friends, whom I've known the longest. Other than that though, I was never real close with anyone.
Being home what else is there to do than see those people. Than learn about their new lives and see how much they've really changed. Not everyone changes in a mental or emotional way though- some changes are more physical.
Me for example- most don't know about 'the surgery' I had after graduation, before college.
A good friend of mine just had a 'surgery' of her own. I must say she looks amazing. It's weird how her life is going to change so much now, not just because of the surgery itself, but mostly just from the extreme amount of confidence that accompanies it.
I'm not condoning plastic surgery (although I pretty much am) but those are the kinds of things that happen after high school, after all those awkward stages, and all.
Change- sometimes it's just strange to think about.
For me, college couldn't have come soon enough. The friends I have that went to my high school I didn't really become friendly with until I was in college. I mean of course there's the select 3 that are my best friends, whom I've known the longest. Other than that though, I was never real close with anyone.
Being home what else is there to do than see those people. Than learn about their new lives and see how much they've really changed. Not everyone changes in a mental or emotional way though- some changes are more physical.
Me for example- most don't know about 'the surgery' I had after graduation, before college.
A good friend of mine just had a 'surgery' of her own. I must say she looks amazing. It's weird how her life is going to change so much now, not just because of the surgery itself, but mostly just from the extreme amount of confidence that accompanies it.
I'm not condoning plastic surgery (although I pretty much am) but those are the kinds of things that happen after high school, after all those awkward stages, and all.
Change- sometimes it's just strange to think about.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
First Day
Today I will be writing based off of a prompt for One-Minute Writer again. The prompt says: describe a first day.
My first day at MSU was one of the most bitter sweet moments in my life... at the time. It was before 'The Let Down' (see label for old posts of 'The Let Down') actually let me down. I woke up at 7 AM that morning, although I'm pretty sure I never really slept the night prior. The car was already packed from the night before because my Dad couldn't move me in, so his job was to make sure we were completely ready to leave in the morning. I was stressed, like really stressed. The last thing I wanted to do was to go to school and leave behind the bar I was working at that summer and, of course, I didn't want to put distance between me and The Let Down (lets just call him LD). I drove my little red cutlass while my mom followed me to LD's house. He came outside and I got out of the car. It was pretty much ritual that whenever we drove together in my car I would make him drive and I'd play ipod DJ.
The whole car ride there we talked about everything, as always. About college, about his past, about his trashy girlfriend; everything. LD said, "I was thinking, you know, I'm no good with talking on the phone, so I thought, maybe we could write to each other?" It was like he read my mind. There was one thing I specifically remember asking him as we were driving to East Lansing. I looked at him (as always, with admiration) and said, "LD, can we just run away to California? Fuck MSU, lets just go." He just looked at me and said, "EB, you need to get away to College, you need MSU. You'll be fine." Little did I know that he was foreshadowing the fact that only about a month later he was going to end our friendship.
****
When I got to school I checked in while my mother and LD parked the cars. We unpacked all of my stuff. LD set up my printer, and then my roommate finally showed up. Oh man. Her first impression was great. I thought we were going to be best of friends because we were so similar. Later, it turned out our similarities were the biggest weakness in our friendship, but this isn't about that, it's about my first day. After I unpacked everything LD, my mother, and I went to lunch. It was quite lovely, really. LD got up to go to the bathroom and my mother told me that in their short car ride/walk from parking the cars LD raved about me, about how special I was to him, what a good friend I was. This still makes no sense to me.
****
I was dreading what was to come next after our lunch. It was time for them to drop me off and say goodbye. I went with them to pick up the other car and LD and I drove my car to drop me off at the dorm. Tears filled my eyes and I had a large lump in my throat, preventing me from doing any speaking. I remember swallowing hard and catching my breath in order to say goodbye. LD looked at me and told me, "Don't even worry, you'll be home on most weekends! And we're going to write to each other." He gave me one last hug goodbye. I told him I'd be home in two weeks and we'd have to hang out. I got out of the car, and as I walked to the door of my dorm I turned my head over my right shoulder and took one last look at LD. Right as I did this he yelled, as loud as he could, out my window, "I love you! Have fun!" I smiled, and responded, "I will." He drove off, and I walked inside.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
A Look Back to That Awkward Girl From High School
Last night was a best friend's birthday. Naturally, she had a party to celebrate. For some reason I was extremely nervous for this party. A bunch of people from our High School were going to be there and Tricia was definitely closer to Miss Popular than myself, Miss Invisible/Awkward.
Not to mention that one of the guys is a mutual ex-boyfriend of mine and Tricia's. Another was someone, who in high school, I pretty much despised (he wasn't the friendliest or nicest of people, and he thought very highly of himself). Then there was the best friend of the mutual ex, we'll call him Slaw (I know, it's a weird nickname to give, but it makes sense to me).
Slaw was the ex-fling of an old high school friend that I've pretty much lost touch with. Not only did they almost date, but then, when she was with her very serious boyfriend, she flirted with the idea of ending it all for him, with reason, Slaw is very gentlemanly like, or so his persona gives off. I believe they've lost touch over the past couple of years.
So, I'm getting ready for this party, and I notice, I have a large assortment of creatures in my stomach. I don't think butterflies does it justice, but I think I'll have to go with something like small dinosaurs. I had to stop, look myself over in the mirror, and ask myself, "Why the hell am I so nervous to see people from my past?"
High school was...a strange time for me. I hadn't the faintest idea of who I was, and to be quite honest, I wasn't really anybody. I hadn't let myself open up enough to others, or myself to know the person I am now. Even if the people weren't so horrible to me, I perceived it as such because I was so lost within myself that I underestimated myself to the extreme. In my eyes I was nothing, so why would I have been anything in their eyes?
I wouldn't say college has changed me, but I would say it has helped me discover the person who I really am. You can't change from something to another, if you weren't anything to begin with.
The answer to the question I asked myself, to that dreaded high school girl that stared back at me in the mirror was:
Not to mention that one of the guys is a mutual ex-boyfriend of mine and Tricia's. Another was someone, who in high school, I pretty much despised (he wasn't the friendliest or nicest of people, and he thought very highly of himself). Then there was the best friend of the mutual ex, we'll call him Slaw (I know, it's a weird nickname to give, but it makes sense to me).
Slaw was the ex-fling of an old high school friend that I've pretty much lost touch with. Not only did they almost date, but then, when she was with her very serious boyfriend, she flirted with the idea of ending it all for him, with reason, Slaw is very gentlemanly like, or so his persona gives off. I believe they've lost touch over the past couple of years.
So, I'm getting ready for this party, and I notice, I have a large assortment of creatures in my stomach. I don't think butterflies does it justice, but I think I'll have to go with something like small dinosaurs. I had to stop, look myself over in the mirror, and ask myself, "Why the hell am I so nervous to see people from my past?"
High school was...a strange time for me. I hadn't the faintest idea of who I was, and to be quite honest, I wasn't really anybody. I hadn't let myself open up enough to others, or myself to know the person I am now. Even if the people weren't so horrible to me, I perceived it as such because I was so lost within myself that I underestimated myself to the extreme. In my eyes I was nothing, so why would I have been anything in their eyes?
I wouldn't say college has changed me, but I would say it has helped me discover the person who I really am. You can't change from something to another, if you weren't anything to begin with.
The answer to the question I asked myself, to that dreaded high school girl that stared back at me in the mirror was:
I'm scared because I finally have to show them that I really am a person, not just a frightened zombie, like that of what I was in High School. The fear comes from the fact that they just might hate who I really am, or they might love it, and if they love it, then there's nothing backing my opinion of these people that I've held on so strongly to since middle school. If I'm now showing who I am, whose to say they never were who I thought them to be? This within itself is scary.
Let me just tell you, that all these fears, all these opinions I've held of the people that I barely ever really knew- were completely put at rest when I arrived to that party.
Slaw gave me a huge hug and told me how great I look, one of the guys, a neighbor, shot the shit with me for a while about what we've been up to the past couple years. The one I'd despised gave me props for diffusing a could've-been fight, and I even came to realize what a true loser the mutual ex turned out to be. It didn't help that he was completely wasted and on Zanax and Prozac, all recreationally, of course. It felt good to know that I got somewhere in life, and that looks (pretty much all he had going for him) obviously doesn't always get you somewhere in life.
The party was a great time, and an eye opening experience. I've always had issues putting things that are in the past behind me, but I feel as though this party has finally put the demon that is my high school self, to rest. I can finally go on with life, knowing a little bit more about myself than I had a day before, which, isn't that what college is all about, anyways?
Slaw gave me a huge hug and told me how great I look, one of the guys, a neighbor, shot the shit with me for a while about what we've been up to the past couple years. The one I'd despised gave me props for diffusing a could've-been fight, and I even came to realize what a true loser the mutual ex turned out to be. It didn't help that he was completely wasted and on Zanax and Prozac, all recreationally, of course. It felt good to know that I got somewhere in life, and that looks (pretty much all he had going for him) obviously doesn't always get you somewhere in life.
The party was a great time, and an eye opening experience. I've always had issues putting things that are in the past behind me, but I feel as though this party has finally put the demon that is my high school self, to rest. I can finally go on with life, knowing a little bit more about myself than I had a day before, which, isn't that what college is all about, anyways?
Monday, September 22, 2008
The Soundtrack To My Life
Well, it's a new day and I'm feeling good. Aside from the fact that I'm overwhelming myself with procrastination for my exam on Thursday. I should be studying but instead I'm freaking myself out about the exam. That's right- instead of actually studying for it- I'm just complaining about it. Oh well.
So today has been, fan-freaking-tastic. There is no sarcasm there. I slept in, I took my time doing my hair, I went to class and sat next to the cutest little asian girl (she even befriended me, and invited me for traditional chinese food and tea- SCORE!), and then I came home, went to the bank, and here I am. A very chill, mild, laid back day. Congrats, to me.
If you could pick the soundtrack to your life thus far, what would it be? I've been thinking about this a lot lately, yet every time I try to craft it I notice all my songs are about unrequited love- epic fail in my opinion. I'm finally going to just do it- craft it and try to make it as less 'emo' as I can.
1. Be Here Now- Ray LaMontagne
This song has the best introduction- it just builds and builds. It's the perfect start to the soundtrack of my life. Not to mention the lyrics take over with "Don't let your mind get weary..." etc. etc. It's just great.
2. Put Your Records On- Corinne Bailey Ray
It's happy, it's sunny, it reminds me of children playing- it goes here in my soundtrack with my adolescence.
3. Follow You Down- Gin Blossoms
Remember how popular this song was in the 90's? 'Nuff said.
4. Such Great Heights- Postal Service
Remember that time when you're in middle school and there's that one boy that you absolutely think you love, even though you don't. I'd imagine this would be the kind of song I'd listen to over and over again thinking about him being with you.
5. Delicate- Damien Rice
This song describes that actual relationship part of one of my relationships.
6. Screaming Infidelities- Dashboard Confessional
The break up aftermath.
7. Cannonball- Damien Rice
The "getting over you by listening to music" phase.
8. Dreaming With A Broken Heart- John Mayer
The "come back to me please" song- that you then realize- isn't going to bring them back.
9. Love Is A Battlefield- Pat Benatar
Every girl better know these words.
10. Someone Somewhere- Jason Reeves
The song you listen to when you know, it will work out, maybe it didn't last time, but eventually, you'll find someone just right.
11. Recommendations- Mirah
Insert "random dance break" here.
12. Don't Stop Believing- Journey
My "reach for the sky" song.
13. Seventeen Forever- Metrostation
Sometimes everyone wishes they could have stayed 17 forever.
14. California- Joni Mitchell
Every girl should have at least one Joni Mitchell song on their life soundtrack
15. Ice Ice Baby- Vanilla Ice
Just because everyone needs a rap song in their soundtrack
16. My Best Friend- Weezer
I have friends like this :-)
17. Winding Road- Bonnie Somerville
This is my 'wind it down' song
18. Hands Down- Dashboard Confessional
This is the perfect ending song.
I suggest everyone goes through their iTunes and picks their songs. It feels great to realize that more of your songs are happy than sad :)
So today has been, fan-freaking-tastic. There is no sarcasm there. I slept in, I took my time doing my hair, I went to class and sat next to the cutest little asian girl (she even befriended me, and invited me for traditional chinese food and tea- SCORE!), and then I came home, went to the bank, and here I am. A very chill, mild, laid back day. Congrats, to me.
If you could pick the soundtrack to your life thus far, what would it be? I've been thinking about this a lot lately, yet every time I try to craft it I notice all my songs are about unrequited love- epic fail in my opinion. I'm finally going to just do it- craft it and try to make it as less 'emo' as I can.
1. Be Here Now- Ray LaMontagne
This song has the best introduction- it just builds and builds. It's the perfect start to the soundtrack of my life. Not to mention the lyrics take over with "Don't let your mind get weary..." etc. etc. It's just great.
2. Put Your Records On- Corinne Bailey Ray
It's happy, it's sunny, it reminds me of children playing- it goes here in my soundtrack with my adolescence.
3. Follow You Down- Gin Blossoms
Remember how popular this song was in the 90's? 'Nuff said.
4. Such Great Heights- Postal Service
Remember that time when you're in middle school and there's that one boy that you absolutely think you love, even though you don't. I'd imagine this would be the kind of song I'd listen to over and over again thinking about him being with you.
5. Delicate- Damien Rice
This song describes that actual relationship part of one of my relationships.
6. Screaming Infidelities- Dashboard Confessional
The break up aftermath.
7. Cannonball- Damien Rice
The "getting over you by listening to music" phase.
8. Dreaming With A Broken Heart- John Mayer
The "come back to me please" song- that you then realize- isn't going to bring them back.
9. Love Is A Battlefield- Pat Benatar
Every girl better know these words.
10. Someone Somewhere- Jason Reeves
The song you listen to when you know, it will work out, maybe it didn't last time, but eventually, you'll find someone just right.
11. Recommendations- Mirah
Insert "random dance break" here.
12. Don't Stop Believing- Journey
My "reach for the sky" song.
13. Seventeen Forever- Metrostation
Sometimes everyone wishes they could have stayed 17 forever.
14. California- Joni Mitchell
Every girl should have at least one Joni Mitchell song on their life soundtrack
15. Ice Ice Baby- Vanilla Ice
Just because everyone needs a rap song in their soundtrack
16. My Best Friend- Weezer
I have friends like this :-)
17. Winding Road- Bonnie Somerville
This is my 'wind it down' song
18. Hands Down- Dashboard Confessional
This is the perfect ending song.
I suggest everyone goes through their iTunes and picks their songs. It feels great to realize that more of your songs are happy than sad :)
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Cuteness.
This is one of the cutest blogs I've stumbled across thus far.http://clevergirlgoesblog.blogspot.com/ That one, along with- http://bloggingbarbie.wordpress.com/ Two women with awesome blogging power.
Today I spent a total of 9 hours studying for Macroeconomics- the worst part, I feel like I know less than I did before I started. My life is the biggest distraction in the way of school right now. If it weren't for these silly decisions I make when I have a moment of weakness, or when I'm drinking for that fact, I think I'd be better off.
Lets start from the beginning because I've always been very vague about it.
1. I dated a boy last year. On and off for about seven months. It started welcome week as one of those "I don't even know how this happened, I was so drunk" kind of things. It was my freshman year of college, so of course I went into it looking for no strings. I wanted to be clear and free of attachment and just go with the flow and have fun. The 'flow' of alcohol led me to, lets call him Fred. It was working so well...until the next morning when he kissed me hello. I was hoping and praying for a normal awkward next morning 'oh hey...' but instead I started dating him. Well it went on and off until december when we finally became official. Let me tell you- the most confusing couple months of my life thus far. Also let me note- boys don't understand that there's a difference between 'dating' and 'being in a relationship' Oh well though. I digress.
2. Everything was peachy while we were dating until I found out, from the source, that he was cheating on me. Way to go Fred. Not only was this oh so disappointing, but it only made it worse that I wasn't looking for anything when we started off! After breaking up, then hooking up twice more before I decided I really couldn't talk to him anymore, I finally 'threw him away' for good. School ended, I went home, thought about him pretty frequently, but other than that- I was done. Completely.
3. I met a new boy. We'll call him Miles. Miles was the perfect distraction. He loved wakeboarding (my only true passion aside from being lazy) He loved being out doors. And he ended up loving my best friend...I sure know how to pick my crushes. Anyways- before all of this best friend nonsense happened- I was hanging out with Miles constantly. I saw Fred was on iChat one afternoon, and because I was so infatuated with Miles I felt that I was truly over Fred. Victory! Or not. So I invited Fred wakeboarding. Everything went well. We all hung out and we all got along, and I was finally okay being friends with Fred with no strings- no weird feelings. This is important because at school we have all the same friends (no good).
4. One sunday night when Fred is still in our hometown (no, I didn't know him from before college- it just turned out that way) we decided to hang out and grab some ice cream. I brought Penny, my adorable Penny, whom I don't blog enough about, and we had a dandy, FRIENDS ONLY time at the local DQ. Fred suggested we moved it to his house where his dog and the Pennster could frolic and play. I agreed- as any FRIEND would do, and we popped a movie in. Everything was A-ok. We decided to watch a second movie. Half way through it Fred taps me on the shoulder and suggests we cuddled. WHOA WHOA WHOA. PAUSE. That's right- he decided that after being friends again for a whole week he would make a move on me. Of course- knowing me- I melted like butter on a hot texas day.
5. Long story short (too late) He ditched me two days later when he was supposed to come wakeboardng. Well I was done, yet again. Saw him at a party and finally confronted him, telling him that what he did made no sense- and kind of a 'leave me alone' plea. I get back up to school this fall. I saw him- I went home with him- he tells me all the things I want to hear that I know are lies- and I melt again.
Now here I am. Left here to go over everything he said- every move he made. Knowing it was all lies. Knowing boys will do or say anything for a little action.
The only reason I tell this long and boring story is because it's the biggest distraction in my life right now. While at the library today I finally promised myself (I never keep promises to myself, it's impossible) I'd be done. I'd stop drunkenly calling and texting him. I'd leave it be. I'd forget. And the next time we are both drunk in the same room I'll walk the other way.
The best present I can give to myself right now is a break from every and all boys, men, anything with a penis really. Without all that happening I bet I'd be able to get through a day without thinking of my shoulda, coulda, woulda moments with Fred.
Today I spent a total of 9 hours studying for Macroeconomics- the worst part, I feel like I know less than I did before I started. My life is the biggest distraction in the way of school right now. If it weren't for these silly decisions I make when I have a moment of weakness, or when I'm drinking for that fact, I think I'd be better off.
Lets start from the beginning because I've always been very vague about it.
1. I dated a boy last year. On and off for about seven months. It started welcome week as one of those "I don't even know how this happened, I was so drunk" kind of things. It was my freshman year of college, so of course I went into it looking for no strings. I wanted to be clear and free of attachment and just go with the flow and have fun. The 'flow' of alcohol led me to, lets call him Fred. It was working so well...until the next morning when he kissed me hello. I was hoping and praying for a normal awkward next morning 'oh hey...' but instead I started dating him. Well it went on and off until december when we finally became official. Let me tell you- the most confusing couple months of my life thus far. Also let me note- boys don't understand that there's a difference between 'dating' and 'being in a relationship' Oh well though. I digress.
2. Everything was peachy while we were dating until I found out, from the source, that he was cheating on me. Way to go Fred. Not only was this oh so disappointing, but it only made it worse that I wasn't looking for anything when we started off! After breaking up, then hooking up twice more before I decided I really couldn't talk to him anymore, I finally 'threw him away' for good. School ended, I went home, thought about him pretty frequently, but other than that- I was done. Completely.
3. I met a new boy. We'll call him Miles. Miles was the perfect distraction. He loved wakeboarding (my only true passion aside from being lazy) He loved being out doors. And he ended up loving my best friend...I sure know how to pick my crushes. Anyways- before all of this best friend nonsense happened- I was hanging out with Miles constantly. I saw Fred was on iChat one afternoon, and because I was so infatuated with Miles I felt that I was truly over Fred. Victory! Or not. So I invited Fred wakeboarding. Everything went well. We all hung out and we all got along, and I was finally okay being friends with Fred with no strings- no weird feelings. This is important because at school we have all the same friends (no good).
4. One sunday night when Fred is still in our hometown (no, I didn't know him from before college- it just turned out that way) we decided to hang out and grab some ice cream. I brought Penny, my adorable Penny, whom I don't blog enough about, and we had a dandy, FRIENDS ONLY time at the local DQ. Fred suggested we moved it to his house where his dog and the Pennster could frolic and play. I agreed- as any FRIEND would do, and we popped a movie in. Everything was A-ok. We decided to watch a second movie. Half way through it Fred taps me on the shoulder and suggests we cuddled. WHOA WHOA WHOA. PAUSE. That's right- he decided that after being friends again for a whole week he would make a move on me. Of course- knowing me- I melted like butter on a hot texas day.
5. Long story short (too late) He ditched me two days later when he was supposed to come wakeboardng. Well I was done, yet again. Saw him at a party and finally confronted him, telling him that what he did made no sense- and kind of a 'leave me alone' plea. I get back up to school this fall. I saw him- I went home with him- he tells me all the things I want to hear that I know are lies- and I melt again.
Now here I am. Left here to go over everything he said- every move he made. Knowing it was all lies. Knowing boys will do or say anything for a little action.
The only reason I tell this long and boring story is because it's the biggest distraction in my life right now. While at the library today I finally promised myself (I never keep promises to myself, it's impossible) I'd be done. I'd stop drunkenly calling and texting him. I'd leave it be. I'd forget. And the next time we are both drunk in the same room I'll walk the other way.
The best present I can give to myself right now is a break from every and all boys, men, anything with a penis really. Without all that happening I bet I'd be able to get through a day without thinking of my shoulda, coulda, woulda moments with Fred.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
To touch on a couple of things.
1. Damien Rice is lethal. To listen to his songs over and over again is a slow, sad, painful death. I don't recommend it to anyone.
2. It's so weird to think about how time passes and how much you truly know a person. All the people I've met here at MSU, I've know them for a year now. A whole year. But to say that I really know them, not just their quirks, but how they think, what they believe, how and what they feel on a day to day basis- I would be lying. Does anyone really know their friends? Maybe it's too broad to say 'friends' in general, but at least their friends of, I'd say a year to 3 years. I don't think we do. I don't think most people take the time out of their busy lives to really get to know people. We all live in such a fast paced world where we don't have the time to take a deeper look. It's sad how this has become true for most people.
It's weird for me to think about some of the people I've known for a year now. The ones I've gotten close with, live with, the ones I've dated. I could tell you all of the normal things about these people but if you asked what i thought their most substantial dreams are, or what worries them the most, I wouldn't be able to tell you.
3. It's almost been a year since I've last talked to Matt. This in itself is surreal. I would say, he knew me. He really did. Maybe that's what made it too much. I wasn't just one of those 'I know the basics about you and we're friends' kind of people in his life, but I was more, and that scared him. It was hard cutting that part of my life out due to the circumstances. I have no idea if he's alive, if he's doing well, if he's still married- but I do wish him the best, he took the time to get to know me, which nowadays is a lot to ask of someone.
2. It's so weird to think about how time passes and how much you truly know a person. All the people I've met here at MSU, I've know them for a year now. A whole year. But to say that I really know them, not just their quirks, but how they think, what they believe, how and what they feel on a day to day basis- I would be lying. Does anyone really know their friends? Maybe it's too broad to say 'friends' in general, but at least their friends of, I'd say a year to 3 years. I don't think we do. I don't think most people take the time out of their busy lives to really get to know people. We all live in such a fast paced world where we don't have the time to take a deeper look. It's sad how this has become true for most people.
It's weird for me to think about some of the people I've known for a year now. The ones I've gotten close with, live with, the ones I've dated. I could tell you all of the normal things about these people but if you asked what i thought their most substantial dreams are, or what worries them the most, I wouldn't be able to tell you.
3. It's almost been a year since I've last talked to Matt. This in itself is surreal. I would say, he knew me. He really did. Maybe that's what made it too much. I wasn't just one of those 'I know the basics about you and we're friends' kind of people in his life, but I was more, and that scared him. It was hard cutting that part of my life out due to the circumstances. I have no idea if he's alive, if he's doing well, if he's still married- but I do wish him the best, he took the time to get to know me, which nowadays is a lot to ask of someone.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Apartment shopping.
So, I've filled out, and payed the application to live in Campus Village apartments next year. It couldn't have worked out better. I'll be living with Calla and Kim, maybe even Danielle if she calls me back.
I feel so old when I start dealing with these kinds of things, but at the same time I feel really young. Like I know I should feel old but I always thought it would feel different, maybe. I don't know.
Anyways, I walked for an hour and 10 minutes consecutively today :) Getting some good exercise. I love stepping on crunchy things. Leaves, acorns, acorn shells. Anything along those lines. It gives me a fulfilling feeling haha. Fall is perfect for this type of hobby, with all of the leaves falling. The breeze is really nice as well. I feel like this weather forces me to think though. It's so nice, but at the same time I can't clear my mind. I keep playing over and over in my head my relationships and friendships, and all the shit that goes along with them. It gets frustrating not being able to deal with it all like I'd like to. I think I'm in need of another trip to the Red Cedar. When I'm taking pictures I have to focus on something, which takes my mind off of everything else going on. There was this couple, sitting on the edge of the Red Cedar, holding hands and cuddling. I really wanted to get a good picture of it but it would be awkward if I just photographed them, and I didn't want to be the tool to ask if I could take a picture of them. I went over on the other side of the river thinking I could get the shot from there without making it obvious, but they were gone by the time I was over there :-/
Perhaps I'll go photograph sometime this week.
I feel so old when I start dealing with these kinds of things, but at the same time I feel really young. Like I know I should feel old but I always thought it would feel different, maybe. I don't know.
Anyways, I walked for an hour and 10 minutes consecutively today :) Getting some good exercise. I love stepping on crunchy things. Leaves, acorns, acorn shells. Anything along those lines. It gives me a fulfilling feeling haha. Fall is perfect for this type of hobby, with all of the leaves falling. The breeze is really nice as well. I feel like this weather forces me to think though. It's so nice, but at the same time I can't clear my mind. I keep playing over and over in my head my relationships and friendships, and all the shit that goes along with them. It gets frustrating not being able to deal with it all like I'd like to. I think I'm in need of another trip to the Red Cedar. When I'm taking pictures I have to focus on something, which takes my mind off of everything else going on. There was this couple, sitting on the edge of the Red Cedar, holding hands and cuddling. I really wanted to get a good picture of it but it would be awkward if I just photographed them, and I didn't want to be the tool to ask if I could take a picture of them. I went over on the other side of the river thinking I could get the shot from there without making it obvious, but they were gone by the time I was over there :-/
Perhaps I'll go photograph sometime this week.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
High traffic area.
My ISS class is somewhat of a joke at this moment in time.
I really like my prof, but sitting in a room for 2 hours learning how to do research for a paper (something I've been doing for quite some time now) is not my idea of an enlightening learning experience. Who doesn't know how to use google in this day and age?
I really can't believe she's giving out points for the people leading us in our google searches. Hah.
The girl sitting in front of me to the right, she's playing solitaire. The girl sitting in front of me to my left, she's on facebook. Another chick is playing with her cell phone. Some dude is asleep in the back row.
The people who are paying attention, well who cares about them?
I just hope that chick wins her game of solitaire, since Mac is incapable of putting solitaire on their iBook G4s.
New topic:
Isn't it so awkward when you're walking down the street and catch the gaze of someone else. It would all be fine if you both didn't hold the gaze too long. Yet you always do. Hold the gaze too long, I mean. And then you start thinking, if only. I do, at least.
New topic X2:
Carrie, from Sex and the City, once said, "We were having one of those great first dates you can only have when it's not an actual date."
I know what she means. I was watching that ridiculous show with my roommate (who loves S&theC), and I realized, I actually know that feeling! It's when it could never be a date, and you aren't quite sure if you'd want it to be, but it's perfect.
New topic X3:
I have no clue what my prof is speaking about.
I really like my prof, but sitting in a room for 2 hours learning how to do research for a paper (something I've been doing for quite some time now) is not my idea of an enlightening learning experience. Who doesn't know how to use google in this day and age?
I really can't believe she's giving out points for the people leading us in our google searches. Hah.
The girl sitting in front of me to the right, she's playing solitaire. The girl sitting in front of me to my left, she's on facebook. Another chick is playing with her cell phone. Some dude is asleep in the back row.
The people who are paying attention, well who cares about them?
I just hope that chick wins her game of solitaire, since Mac is incapable of putting solitaire on their iBook G4s.
New topic:
Isn't it so awkward when you're walking down the street and catch the gaze of someone else. It would all be fine if you both didn't hold the gaze too long. Yet you always do. Hold the gaze too long, I mean. And then you start thinking, if only. I do, at least.
New topic X2:
Carrie, from Sex and the City, once said, "We were having one of those great first dates you can only have when it's not an actual date."
I know what she means. I was watching that ridiculous show with my roommate (who loves S&theC), and I realized, I actually know that feeling! It's when it could never be a date, and you aren't quite sure if you'd want it to be, but it's perfect.
New topic X3:
I have no clue what my prof is speaking about.
Friday, September 28, 2007
I saw this on someone else's blog...
and thought that it was a good way to relate my music to my life, as well as giving me something to write about.
So I put my iTunes on random and the first song that came up that I felt I had a good connection to (and that had lyrics) I decided to post about.
Not Enough by: Our Lady Of Peace
Lyrics:
There's nothing you can say
Nothing you can do
There's nothing in between
You know the truth
Nothing left to face
There's nothing left to lose
Nothing takes your place...
When they say you're not that strong
You're not that weak
It's not your fault
And when you climb
Up to your hill
Up to your place
I hope you're well
There's nothing left to prove
There's nothing I wont do
There's nothing like the pain
I feel for you
Nothing left to hide
Nothing left to fear
I am always here...
When they say you're not that strong
You're not that weak
It's not your fault
And when you climb
Up to your hill
Up to your place
I hope you're well
What you want
What you lost
What you had
What is gone is over
What you got
What you love
What you need
What you have is real
It's not enough,
It's not enough,
It's not enough,
It's not enough
I'm sorry,
It's not enough,
It's not enough,
It's not enough,
It's not enough
When they say you're not that strong
You're not that weak
It's not your fault
And when you climb
Up to your hill
Up to your place
I hope you're well
It's not enough
No, it's not enough
It's not enough
Connection to my life:
I first was introduced to OLP by my longtime, now ex best friend, and our mutual friend. It was the summer before my junior year. I remember driving around, listening to the song alone. I was in a really bad place. I didn't know who I was, and I truly felt like I wasn't enough. The windows would be down, the air blowing on my face, and it all felt so nostalgic. Thinking about the lyrics now is kind of creepy. The way our friendship was before it ended is exactly as the lyrics. I felt and lived her pain for her, because I didn't know how to live my own life. I'm glad I'm in somewhat of a better place now, but that song will always feel like a high school summer to me.
So I put my iTunes on random and the first song that came up that I felt I had a good connection to (and that had lyrics) I decided to post about.
Not Enough by: Our Lady Of Peace
Lyrics:
There's nothing you can say
Nothing you can do
There's nothing in between
You know the truth
Nothing left to face
There's nothing left to lose
Nothing takes your place...
When they say you're not that strong
You're not that weak
It's not your fault
And when you climb
Up to your hill
Up to your place
I hope you're well
There's nothing left to prove
There's nothing I wont do
There's nothing like the pain
I feel for you
Nothing left to hide
Nothing left to fear
I am always here...
When they say you're not that strong
You're not that weak
It's not your fault
And when you climb
Up to your hill
Up to your place
I hope you're well
What you want
What you lost
What you had
What is gone is over
What you got
What you love
What you need
What you have is real
It's not enough,
It's not enough,
It's not enough,
It's not enough
I'm sorry,
It's not enough,
It's not enough,
It's not enough,
It's not enough
When they say you're not that strong
You're not that weak
It's not your fault
And when you climb
Up to your hill
Up to your place
I hope you're well
It's not enough
No, it's not enough
It's not enough
Connection to my life:
I first was introduced to OLP by my longtime, now ex best friend, and our mutual friend. It was the summer before my junior year. I remember driving around, listening to the song alone. I was in a really bad place. I didn't know who I was, and I truly felt like I wasn't enough. The windows would be down, the air blowing on my face, and it all felt so nostalgic. Thinking about the lyrics now is kind of creepy. The way our friendship was before it ended is exactly as the lyrics. I felt and lived her pain for her, because I didn't know how to live my own life. I'm glad I'm in somewhat of a better place now, but that song will always feel like a high school summer to me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
