Midterms cause me loads of stress. That's all there is to it. Every night I've been lurking in the library studying away. I creep myself out with how studious i've become. Even so, I still feel like i've accomplished nothing. I'm NOT ready for this midterm. Anymore that I cram into my little head will just be moot.
The worst part:
I have my midterm today, one on tuesday, one the following friday, and one the next week! That whole finding a job thing- not going to be happening until I get through all of these exams!
On an even sadder not- Penny gets spayed on Saturday. My mother went to k-mart and bought her a babies onesie to wear. Apparently putting Penny in baby clothes will prevent her from licking her stitches- but the verdicts still out on that one ;-)
I must mention, contrary to popular belief, I HATE the Ottoman Empire. The class I have a midterm in today is called ISS 315: World Globalization- The Modern Middle East. Therefore, everything for todays exam focuses on the Ottoman Empire. Let me just say, the Ottoman Empire was one messy son of a bitch.
I should probably go study my flash-cards before the actual midterm.
Wish me luck- I'll need it.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
The Soundtrack To My Life
Well, it's a new day and I'm feeling good. Aside from the fact that I'm overwhelming myself with procrastination for my exam on Thursday. I should be studying but instead I'm freaking myself out about the exam. That's right- instead of actually studying for it- I'm just complaining about it. Oh well.
So today has been, fan-freaking-tastic. There is no sarcasm there. I slept in, I took my time doing my hair, I went to class and sat next to the cutest little asian girl (she even befriended me, and invited me for traditional chinese food and tea- SCORE!), and then I came home, went to the bank, and here I am. A very chill, mild, laid back day. Congrats, to me.
If you could pick the soundtrack to your life thus far, what would it be? I've been thinking about this a lot lately, yet every time I try to craft it I notice all my songs are about unrequited love- epic fail in my opinion. I'm finally going to just do it- craft it and try to make it as less 'emo' as I can.
1. Be Here Now- Ray LaMontagne
This song has the best introduction- it just builds and builds. It's the perfect start to the soundtrack of my life. Not to mention the lyrics take over with "Don't let your mind get weary..." etc. etc. It's just great.
2. Put Your Records On- Corinne Bailey Ray
It's happy, it's sunny, it reminds me of children playing- it goes here in my soundtrack with my adolescence.
3. Follow You Down- Gin Blossoms
Remember how popular this song was in the 90's? 'Nuff said.
4. Such Great Heights- Postal Service
Remember that time when you're in middle school and there's that one boy that you absolutely think you love, even though you don't. I'd imagine this would be the kind of song I'd listen to over and over again thinking about him being with you.
5. Delicate- Damien Rice
This song describes that actual relationship part of one of my relationships.
6. Screaming Infidelities- Dashboard Confessional
The break up aftermath.
7. Cannonball- Damien Rice
The "getting over you by listening to music" phase.
8. Dreaming With A Broken Heart- John Mayer
The "come back to me please" song- that you then realize- isn't going to bring them back.
9. Love Is A Battlefield- Pat Benatar
Every girl better know these words.
10. Someone Somewhere- Jason Reeves
The song you listen to when you know, it will work out, maybe it didn't last time, but eventually, you'll find someone just right.
11. Recommendations- Mirah
Insert "random dance break" here.
12. Don't Stop Believing- Journey
My "reach for the sky" song.
13. Seventeen Forever- Metrostation
Sometimes everyone wishes they could have stayed 17 forever.
14. California- Joni Mitchell
Every girl should have at least one Joni Mitchell song on their life soundtrack
15. Ice Ice Baby- Vanilla Ice
Just because everyone needs a rap song in their soundtrack
16. My Best Friend- Weezer
I have friends like this :-)
17. Winding Road- Bonnie Somerville
This is my 'wind it down' song
18. Hands Down- Dashboard Confessional
This is the perfect ending song.
I suggest everyone goes through their iTunes and picks their songs. It feels great to realize that more of your songs are happy than sad :)
So today has been, fan-freaking-tastic. There is no sarcasm there. I slept in, I took my time doing my hair, I went to class and sat next to the cutest little asian girl (she even befriended me, and invited me for traditional chinese food and tea- SCORE!), and then I came home, went to the bank, and here I am. A very chill, mild, laid back day. Congrats, to me.
If you could pick the soundtrack to your life thus far, what would it be? I've been thinking about this a lot lately, yet every time I try to craft it I notice all my songs are about unrequited love- epic fail in my opinion. I'm finally going to just do it- craft it and try to make it as less 'emo' as I can.
1. Be Here Now- Ray LaMontagne
This song has the best introduction- it just builds and builds. It's the perfect start to the soundtrack of my life. Not to mention the lyrics take over with "Don't let your mind get weary..." etc. etc. It's just great.
2. Put Your Records On- Corinne Bailey Ray
It's happy, it's sunny, it reminds me of children playing- it goes here in my soundtrack with my adolescence.
3. Follow You Down- Gin Blossoms
Remember how popular this song was in the 90's? 'Nuff said.
4. Such Great Heights- Postal Service
Remember that time when you're in middle school and there's that one boy that you absolutely think you love, even though you don't. I'd imagine this would be the kind of song I'd listen to over and over again thinking about him being with you.
5. Delicate- Damien Rice
This song describes that actual relationship part of one of my relationships.
6. Screaming Infidelities- Dashboard Confessional
The break up aftermath.
7. Cannonball- Damien Rice
The "getting over you by listening to music" phase.
8. Dreaming With A Broken Heart- John Mayer
The "come back to me please" song- that you then realize- isn't going to bring them back.
9. Love Is A Battlefield- Pat Benatar
Every girl better know these words.
10. Someone Somewhere- Jason Reeves
The song you listen to when you know, it will work out, maybe it didn't last time, but eventually, you'll find someone just right.
11. Recommendations- Mirah
Insert "random dance break" here.
12. Don't Stop Believing- Journey
My "reach for the sky" song.
13. Seventeen Forever- Metrostation
Sometimes everyone wishes they could have stayed 17 forever.
14. California- Joni Mitchell
Every girl should have at least one Joni Mitchell song on their life soundtrack
15. Ice Ice Baby- Vanilla Ice
Just because everyone needs a rap song in their soundtrack
16. My Best Friend- Weezer
I have friends like this :-)
17. Winding Road- Bonnie Somerville
This is my 'wind it down' song
18. Hands Down- Dashboard Confessional
This is the perfect ending song.
I suggest everyone goes through their iTunes and picks their songs. It feels great to realize that more of your songs are happy than sad :)
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Cuteness.
This is one of the cutest blogs I've stumbled across thus far.http://clevergirlgoesblog.blogspot.com/ That one, along with- http://bloggingbarbie.wordpress.com/ Two women with awesome blogging power.
Today I spent a total of 9 hours studying for Macroeconomics- the worst part, I feel like I know less than I did before I started. My life is the biggest distraction in the way of school right now. If it weren't for these silly decisions I make when I have a moment of weakness, or when I'm drinking for that fact, I think I'd be better off.
Lets start from the beginning because I've always been very vague about it.
1. I dated a boy last year. On and off for about seven months. It started welcome week as one of those "I don't even know how this happened, I was so drunk" kind of things. It was my freshman year of college, so of course I went into it looking for no strings. I wanted to be clear and free of attachment and just go with the flow and have fun. The 'flow' of alcohol led me to, lets call him Fred. It was working so well...until the next morning when he kissed me hello. I was hoping and praying for a normal awkward next morning 'oh hey...' but instead I started dating him. Well it went on and off until december when we finally became official. Let me tell you- the most confusing couple months of my life thus far. Also let me note- boys don't understand that there's a difference between 'dating' and 'being in a relationship' Oh well though. I digress.
2. Everything was peachy while we were dating until I found out, from the source, that he was cheating on me. Way to go Fred. Not only was this oh so disappointing, but it only made it worse that I wasn't looking for anything when we started off! After breaking up, then hooking up twice more before I decided I really couldn't talk to him anymore, I finally 'threw him away' for good. School ended, I went home, thought about him pretty frequently, but other than that- I was done. Completely.
3. I met a new boy. We'll call him Miles. Miles was the perfect distraction. He loved wakeboarding (my only true passion aside from being lazy) He loved being out doors. And he ended up loving my best friend...I sure know how to pick my crushes. Anyways- before all of this best friend nonsense happened- I was hanging out with Miles constantly. I saw Fred was on iChat one afternoon, and because I was so infatuated with Miles I felt that I was truly over Fred. Victory! Or not. So I invited Fred wakeboarding. Everything went well. We all hung out and we all got along, and I was finally okay being friends with Fred with no strings- no weird feelings. This is important because at school we have all the same friends (no good).
4. One sunday night when Fred is still in our hometown (no, I didn't know him from before college- it just turned out that way) we decided to hang out and grab some ice cream. I brought Penny, my adorable Penny, whom I don't blog enough about, and we had a dandy, FRIENDS ONLY time at the local DQ. Fred suggested we moved it to his house where his dog and the Pennster could frolic and play. I agreed- as any FRIEND would do, and we popped a movie in. Everything was A-ok. We decided to watch a second movie. Half way through it Fred taps me on the shoulder and suggests we cuddled. WHOA WHOA WHOA. PAUSE. That's right- he decided that after being friends again for a whole week he would make a move on me. Of course- knowing me- I melted like butter on a hot texas day.
5. Long story short (too late) He ditched me two days later when he was supposed to come wakeboardng. Well I was done, yet again. Saw him at a party and finally confronted him, telling him that what he did made no sense- and kind of a 'leave me alone' plea. I get back up to school this fall. I saw him- I went home with him- he tells me all the things I want to hear that I know are lies- and I melt again.
Now here I am. Left here to go over everything he said- every move he made. Knowing it was all lies. Knowing boys will do or say anything for a little action.
The only reason I tell this long and boring story is because it's the biggest distraction in my life right now. While at the library today I finally promised myself (I never keep promises to myself, it's impossible) I'd be done. I'd stop drunkenly calling and texting him. I'd leave it be. I'd forget. And the next time we are both drunk in the same room I'll walk the other way.
The best present I can give to myself right now is a break from every and all boys, men, anything with a penis really. Without all that happening I bet I'd be able to get through a day without thinking of my shoulda, coulda, woulda moments with Fred.
Today I spent a total of 9 hours studying for Macroeconomics- the worst part, I feel like I know less than I did before I started. My life is the biggest distraction in the way of school right now. If it weren't for these silly decisions I make when I have a moment of weakness, or when I'm drinking for that fact, I think I'd be better off.
Lets start from the beginning because I've always been very vague about it.
1. I dated a boy last year. On and off for about seven months. It started welcome week as one of those "I don't even know how this happened, I was so drunk" kind of things. It was my freshman year of college, so of course I went into it looking for no strings. I wanted to be clear and free of attachment and just go with the flow and have fun. The 'flow' of alcohol led me to, lets call him Fred. It was working so well...until the next morning when he kissed me hello. I was hoping and praying for a normal awkward next morning 'oh hey...' but instead I started dating him. Well it went on and off until december when we finally became official. Let me tell you- the most confusing couple months of my life thus far. Also let me note- boys don't understand that there's a difference between 'dating' and 'being in a relationship' Oh well though. I digress.
2. Everything was peachy while we were dating until I found out, from the source, that he was cheating on me. Way to go Fred. Not only was this oh so disappointing, but it only made it worse that I wasn't looking for anything when we started off! After breaking up, then hooking up twice more before I decided I really couldn't talk to him anymore, I finally 'threw him away' for good. School ended, I went home, thought about him pretty frequently, but other than that- I was done. Completely.
3. I met a new boy. We'll call him Miles. Miles was the perfect distraction. He loved wakeboarding (my only true passion aside from being lazy) He loved being out doors. And he ended up loving my best friend...I sure know how to pick my crushes. Anyways- before all of this best friend nonsense happened- I was hanging out with Miles constantly. I saw Fred was on iChat one afternoon, and because I was so infatuated with Miles I felt that I was truly over Fred. Victory! Or not. So I invited Fred wakeboarding. Everything went well. We all hung out and we all got along, and I was finally okay being friends with Fred with no strings- no weird feelings. This is important because at school we have all the same friends (no good).
4. One sunday night when Fred is still in our hometown (no, I didn't know him from before college- it just turned out that way) we decided to hang out and grab some ice cream. I brought Penny, my adorable Penny, whom I don't blog enough about, and we had a dandy, FRIENDS ONLY time at the local DQ. Fred suggested we moved it to his house where his dog and the Pennster could frolic and play. I agreed- as any FRIEND would do, and we popped a movie in. Everything was A-ok. We decided to watch a second movie. Half way through it Fred taps me on the shoulder and suggests we cuddled. WHOA WHOA WHOA. PAUSE. That's right- he decided that after being friends again for a whole week he would make a move on me. Of course- knowing me- I melted like butter on a hot texas day.
5. Long story short (too late) He ditched me two days later when he was supposed to come wakeboardng. Well I was done, yet again. Saw him at a party and finally confronted him, telling him that what he did made no sense- and kind of a 'leave me alone' plea. I get back up to school this fall. I saw him- I went home with him- he tells me all the things I want to hear that I know are lies- and I melt again.
Now here I am. Left here to go over everything he said- every move he made. Knowing it was all lies. Knowing boys will do or say anything for a little action.
The only reason I tell this long and boring story is because it's the biggest distraction in my life right now. While at the library today I finally promised myself (I never keep promises to myself, it's impossible) I'd be done. I'd stop drunkenly calling and texting him. I'd leave it be. I'd forget. And the next time we are both drunk in the same room I'll walk the other way.
The best present I can give to myself right now is a break from every and all boys, men, anything with a penis really. Without all that happening I bet I'd be able to get through a day without thinking of my shoulda, coulda, woulda moments with Fred.
The Library.
It's the only place I can study...okay scratch that. Considering I'm at the library to study macro-economics, and I'm on blogger instead, maybe I'm just incapable of studying. Speaking of:
They say that a person's mind can only focus on one subject for 20 minutes a time. Therefore, I find it perfectly fit to study for 20 minutes, at a time, taking a 3 hour break in between ;)
Okay, maybe not. I digress. In all honesty, I love the library. It's the perfect place to study when you want to multi-task. For me, I study econ, while effectively people watching all the interesting subjects that pass by. Like the kid in front of me for instance, my guess is he's trying to procrastinate by looking at the government form documents (which I'm sure he has no interest in) instead of doing his work.
For those that love people watching (it's one of my favorite pastimes) I suggest checking out the website- www.foundmagazine.com it's a site where people submit different things they've found. Mostly it's notes or doodles, lots of times to do lists. It's great insight into the notes of other people that we never get to read. On that note, I'd also like to recommend the more popular- www.postsecret.com These are intentional mail-in postcards with peoples secrets painted all over them. Beautiful artwork, and beautiful secrets.
May I just mention that this weeks lesson in Macro econ has taken me 9 pages of paper to write my notes on. I feel like all the trees in the world will hate me.
Again, my ADD gets the best of me. Off I am to finish studying so I can take yet another 45 minute break ;)
They say that a person's mind can only focus on one subject for 20 minutes a time. Therefore, I find it perfectly fit to study for 20 minutes, at a time, taking a 3 hour break in between ;)
Okay, maybe not. I digress. In all honesty, I love the library. It's the perfect place to study when you want to multi-task. For me, I study econ, while effectively people watching all the interesting subjects that pass by. Like the kid in front of me for instance, my guess is he's trying to procrastinate by looking at the government form documents (which I'm sure he has no interest in) instead of doing his work.
For those that love people watching (it's one of my favorite pastimes) I suggest checking out the website- www.foundmagazine.com it's a site where people submit different things they've found. Mostly it's notes or doodles, lots of times to do lists. It's great insight into the notes of other people that we never get to read. On that note, I'd also like to recommend the more popular- www.postsecret.com These are intentional mail-in postcards with peoples secrets painted all over them. Beautiful artwork, and beautiful secrets.
May I just mention that this weeks lesson in Macro econ has taken me 9 pages of paper to write my notes on. I feel like all the trees in the world will hate me.
Again, my ADD gets the best of me. Off I am to finish studying so I can take yet another 45 minute break ;)
Thursday, September 18, 2008
To touch on a couple of things.
1. Damien Rice is lethal. To listen to his songs over and over again is a slow, sad, painful death. I don't recommend it to anyone.
2. It's so weird to think about how time passes and how much you truly know a person. All the people I've met here at MSU, I've know them for a year now. A whole year. But to say that I really know them, not just their quirks, but how they think, what they believe, how and what they feel on a day to day basis- I would be lying. Does anyone really know their friends? Maybe it's too broad to say 'friends' in general, but at least their friends of, I'd say a year to 3 years. I don't think we do. I don't think most people take the time out of their busy lives to really get to know people. We all live in such a fast paced world where we don't have the time to take a deeper look. It's sad how this has become true for most people.
It's weird for me to think about some of the people I've known for a year now. The ones I've gotten close with, live with, the ones I've dated. I could tell you all of the normal things about these people but if you asked what i thought their most substantial dreams are, or what worries them the most, I wouldn't be able to tell you.
3. It's almost been a year since I've last talked to Matt. This in itself is surreal. I would say, he knew me. He really did. Maybe that's what made it too much. I wasn't just one of those 'I know the basics about you and we're friends' kind of people in his life, but I was more, and that scared him. It was hard cutting that part of my life out due to the circumstances. I have no idea if he's alive, if he's doing well, if he's still married- but I do wish him the best, he took the time to get to know me, which nowadays is a lot to ask of someone.
2. It's so weird to think about how time passes and how much you truly know a person. All the people I've met here at MSU, I've know them for a year now. A whole year. But to say that I really know them, not just their quirks, but how they think, what they believe, how and what they feel on a day to day basis- I would be lying. Does anyone really know their friends? Maybe it's too broad to say 'friends' in general, but at least their friends of, I'd say a year to 3 years. I don't think we do. I don't think most people take the time out of their busy lives to really get to know people. We all live in such a fast paced world where we don't have the time to take a deeper look. It's sad how this has become true for most people.
It's weird for me to think about some of the people I've known for a year now. The ones I've gotten close with, live with, the ones I've dated. I could tell you all of the normal things about these people but if you asked what i thought their most substantial dreams are, or what worries them the most, I wouldn't be able to tell you.
3. It's almost been a year since I've last talked to Matt. This in itself is surreal. I would say, he knew me. He really did. Maybe that's what made it too much. I wasn't just one of those 'I know the basics about you and we're friends' kind of people in his life, but I was more, and that scared him. It was hard cutting that part of my life out due to the circumstances. I have no idea if he's alive, if he's doing well, if he's still married- but I do wish him the best, he took the time to get to know me, which nowadays is a lot to ask of someone.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Back in the flow of things.
There really is no better feeling then finally being home. Oh how I missed my dear Michigan State University this past summer. It's weird how life works sometimes. I finally felt like I was on top of things with my personal life, but then my academic life slipped. Now, here I am, doing great with my academic life, yet my personal life seems to be slipping out of my finger tips (not in the sense that I have no personal life anymore, just in the sense that everything is heading in different directions and different speeds and it's all just happening so fast).
Lets start with the fact that I could totally be in control of things that go on in my life if I would only make the decisions to do so. Instead I make these decisions that put me in situations where I know I won't be able to manipulate it to my liking. However, I just seem to go in those directions anyways, because they just feel so... comfortable? Happy (at first)? Exciting, or thrilling? God, if I know.
People always tell me that this decision, that I say I've invested nothing into, is going to hurt me in the end. The truth is, they are right. I know they are right. For some reason, it's just easier to tell myself that this could work, that if I do it different this time, it could work, but I'm wrong. The truth is, I've invested more than I EVER should have into it. I put it all there, and everyone, including the karmic gods, are telling me I've completely lost it.
I've been trying to come to terms with this huge thing, a situation with Ex Boy, and every time I tell myself "I'm done" or "I'm over it" something happens where I make this new 'choice' that turns all my progress around, that puts me right back where I started. How do I learn to say "I'm done" or "I'm over it" and mean it? What must happen for me to really realize that it's never going to work, that it's not meant to be, that I'm being completely idealistic opposed to realistic?
I'll get hurt, I'm sure. And it will hurt even more than the last time, I'm sure. For some reason, known only to the holder of our lives, I just don't think I'll ever get over it, I'll never truly move on...
Does anyone ever truly move on though? Or is it more of a placing it far away in your mind, awaiting that one moment when something, who knows what, but something will awaken it, and then you're back in that hole, and it just keeps getting deeper and deeper, and you find it even harder to see the surface.
My surface just keeps getting farther and farther away...
Lets start with the fact that I could totally be in control of things that go on in my life if I would only make the decisions to do so. Instead I make these decisions that put me in situations where I know I won't be able to manipulate it to my liking. However, I just seem to go in those directions anyways, because they just feel so... comfortable? Happy (at first)? Exciting, or thrilling? God, if I know.
People always tell me that this decision, that I say I've invested nothing into, is going to hurt me in the end. The truth is, they are right. I know they are right. For some reason, it's just easier to tell myself that this could work, that if I do it different this time, it could work, but I'm wrong. The truth is, I've invested more than I EVER should have into it. I put it all there, and everyone, including the karmic gods, are telling me I've completely lost it.
I've been trying to come to terms with this huge thing, a situation with Ex Boy, and every time I tell myself "I'm done" or "I'm over it" something happens where I make this new 'choice' that turns all my progress around, that puts me right back where I started. How do I learn to say "I'm done" or "I'm over it" and mean it? What must happen for me to really realize that it's never going to work, that it's not meant to be, that I'm being completely idealistic opposed to realistic?
I'll get hurt, I'm sure. And it will hurt even more than the last time, I'm sure. For some reason, known only to the holder of our lives, I just don't think I'll ever get over it, I'll never truly move on...
Does anyone ever truly move on though? Or is it more of a placing it far away in your mind, awaiting that one moment when something, who knows what, but something will awaken it, and then you're back in that hole, and it just keeps getting deeper and deeper, and you find it even harder to see the surface.
My surface just keeps getting farther and farther away...
Saturday, August 2, 2008
It's been too long.
So remember when I wrote about how awesome work has been- the honeymoon stage has ended. I hate it. I can not wait to be done. I wish I could not work, yet not let summer be over, and still have money to do the things I want- like wakeboarding all the time, and going to places like Kettering, and going to movies and etc. etc. etc. Anyways. I love meeting new people. I've met some new ones recently that I happen to think are very cool. Other than work- which will be over in 2 weeks, life is good. Really good. Like awesomely amazingly good. However- I keep finding myself saying "too good to be true, you're missing something and it's big" I just can't put my finger on what it is...I hate that feeling.
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