...

When do the tears stop?

Ugh.

I can't sleep. Everything just keeps getting played over and over again in my head and it's driving me fucking crazy. I can't wait to get the fuck out of here because I can't handle it right now. Even painting today barely helped. How fucked is that? I feel paranoid and frustrated and just blah. I can tell people think I should be getting over it all, so I'm going to have to start putting on that face. The one where I pretend everything is fine when really it's not. I hate that face. I can not wait to get to California. I've never been and it'll be nice to get away, go enjoy the surf for a bit. I'm sick to my stomach thinking about everything. He's made me feel physically ill, and that's just pathetic and disgusting (to myself). I should never give a guy that much credit and that much power, yet, it happened. Sometimes I just wish I were a bear so I could hibernate. I want to get away and be completely alone for a bit but it's impossible. No one will let me.


Please, just let me be.

Is it possible?

Is it possible, to literally feel sickened by someone's actions? I haven't cried yet. A normal reaction would be tears. Instead, every time I hear his name or anything about the situation I literally feel nauseous, and almost feel like I can't breathe. It's a very similar feeling to a panic attack, however it has lasted for three days. I don't understand, I don't think I ever will, how someone could do that to another person. I'm so talked out from talking about it all of the time. Yet, I just can't get it off of my mind. I know everyone is probably getting annoyed with me about it, but still. The sickening feeling I get, it's almost like a feeling of distrust of everything, so strong that I feel physically ill.

So i've learned. Trust is a privilege. One to be earned. You can't just award it to anyone, some don't deserve it... obviously.

Once Again I Go Unnoticed..

I don't know how to go about this. I do know, that I'm not that girl. The one who is blind EVERY TIME. I'm tired, I'm just so tired of it. I can't do this anymore.

Mmmmm.

One week and five days, I can't wait to surf the California coast!

Hmm.

3 words. It's good practice.


Everything in life is good practice, for whatever other relationships you might have or whatever other situations you get yourself into. This isn't the sound of settling, it's the sound of gaining knowledge and learning.

I don't want to go back to school. This was my dream weekend away. And now it's over.

An Update

So... I don't even know how to put this. I am retarded when it comes to boys. Awful, just awful. Last night I get a drunk dial from my friend, "Danielleeee!!! Why aren't you talking to 'boy'?" I reply, "What?" She says, "Here, talk to your boyfriend," I say, "He's NOT my boyfriend...ohhh hey." "Heyy...I can't hear you...I'll tlaktj alit to you later." I hang up. This morning I'm talking to that same friend, and I recall last night to her, and her drunken phone call, in which she proceeds to tell me that when she was talking to him, she asked him if his "girlfriend? was there" and he replied, "Yeah, my girlfriend, I don't know". AWKWARD. Since when is dating, and being in a relationship synonymous of each other? Is it possible that girls and guys actually have different definitions, if not each individual having different definitions of the two concepts? I always thought, when we said we were dating, that we were just "dating". Nothing serious, just semi-exclusive (exclusive only to those in the same group of friends), and just laid back, but not yet relationship status. I also assumed relationship meant actually having communication and an exchange of words something along the lines of- lets take it to the next level, girlfriend? That's just me.

So I have a bunch of issues now. For one, if I am his girlfriend, like he so drunkenly thought, then how the fuck did he think he was going to get away with NOT TALKING to me on Valentine's Day, let alone, that WHOLE week, while I was SICK! For two, is this how relationships are supposed to work?! I don't fucking think so. Also, since I was planning to stop seeing him, what the fuck do I do now?? I know I have to talk to him, but I'm scared to bring the GF word into the conversation, because what if, in fact, he only said that because he was drunk, and he didn't mean it, talk about embarrassing- Hey so i heard you called me your girlfriend, i didn't exactly realize thats what this was i thought we were just dating...umm i was drunk we are just dating- see what I mean by awkward. Also, I don't want to come off as nagging. I don't know how to talk to him so I don't sound nagging, especially because the only time we do talk we are drunk, or on AIM. I know, very lame of us...I blame him.

One thing I did do, I finally changed my status to "It's Complicated." I figured, it has been pretty damn complicated, why not let everyone know..maybe he'll see it- probably not.

He's clueless.