Ugh.

I can't sleep. Everything just keeps getting played over and over again in my head and it's driving me fucking crazy. I can't wait to get the fuck out of here because I can't handle it right now. Even painting today barely helped. How fucked is that? I feel paranoid and frustrated and just blah. I can tell people think I should be getting over it all, so I'm going to have to start putting on that face. The one where I pretend everything is fine when really it's not. I hate that face. I can not wait to get to California. I've never been and it'll be nice to get away, go enjoy the surf for a bit. I'm sick to my stomach thinking about everything. He's made me feel physically ill, and that's just pathetic and disgusting (to myself). I should never give a guy that much credit and that much power, yet, it happened. Sometimes I just wish I were a bear so I could hibernate. I want to get away and be completely alone for a bit but it's impossible. No one will let me.


Please, just let me be.