Halloween is coming up...

and people are going psycho.


I guess there have been all these attacks in the East Lansing area by some guy in a 'scream' mask. Really creepy if you ask me. We decided that mace wouldn't do anything cause he's wearing a mask. Same with hairspray. I think the solution to the problem is a can of hairspray and a lighter. Make a good old flame thrower. Only problem is how do you get this all done while being attacked my a masked lunatic? Hah.

I really love Halloween though. The perfect opportunity to be someone else for a change, without being prosecuted (not that most people really aspire to be in real life what they are on halloween, or else a lot of girls would want to be sluts).

Work for the first time tonight.

A bit nervous- but it's a halloween themed shift, so it should be an okay time...

A funny thing.

What's funny is, this is post number 27, yet still no one knows about this blog. Maybe, maybe 2 of my friends know about it. Probably only one of the two actually read it from time to time. It's a pointless thing, yet I feel so great when I write. I can ramble, get angry, be selfish, and no one cares. It's rather amazing, if you ask me. ICouldTypeLikeThis, but because no one reads it, it won't bother anyone :)

I'm back at school now. This morning I was telling my dermatologist how "I have nothing to stress out about, it must be something else," but the second I get to school, I feel stressed. Interesting, right.

I made it just in time to be able to take my reading quiz in WRA today. My prof used my paper as an example of a good paper. It made me feel good, until I got the paper back. I only got a 3.7, .1 better than my last paper. If she's gonna use it as an example she should have at least gave me a 3.8.

I can't believe this infection is going around all of the high schools. You know that means, soon enough, it will be spreading through universities. We just cleaned our bathroom so we aren't the one's who spread it, hah.

I've decided, blogging is good for the soul.

:-)

Candy

This movie, is by far the most disturbing thing I've seen in a long time. It's about two junkies who get married, they are constantly using, stealing, etc. She gets pregnant, but they still use, and she ends up miscarrying. They deliver the fetus and well I'll just leave it at that- FYI it was the most disturbing scene of a movie. It made me feel sick to my stomach.

In other news. Back to school tomorrow :-/ I love being home, I love school, I hate change, but I know, it will benefit me in the end.

Out of sight, out of mind.

I guess that phrase rings true. It's so sad how it was 'meant to be', until I left. Now it's meant to be a piece of shit.


I thought you'd pull through for me. I thought you'd prove me wrong, and make me take back my goodbye letter. Instead you were one big fucking disappointment.

I really hate change. I don't think I can handle all of this. It's time to put that little bar behind me. It's time to put those people, who were my friends, who I worked with, all behind me. Forced change. It's the worst.


I hate you because you disappoint me...because you don't want me.

Why in the hell do I still want you then?

One of these things first.

Vegas was really fun. I can't believe it's almost been a year since that trip.

Anyways, home for the weekend. Nothing changes here. School is so dynamic, home is so static. My mom tried to ground me for getting in a tickle fight with her..it was really funny.

Tomorrow is Sweetest Day.

A friendship might die this weekend. It's really sad. Out of sight, out of mind is true, I guess.

Off to get some reading done.

It's a beautiful day for football!

Not really. Just felt like being cheesy.

I love the football games though...usually.

Even if our defense has checked out for the season, and Hoyer keeps choking- I still love MSU Football.

I love photography too. Editing to be exact.

Rainy days...

I just happen to be extremely tired.


I also have a new solution to my "problem". You know, the one where I fall for guys who seem completely straight and then they turn out to be gay.

Here's the solution: From now on I'm going to automatically assume every guy I meet is gay. That way, I'll focus more on making platonic relationships with them, and if I happen to find out they aren't gay- well, I'll be pleasantly surprised.


Sound good? Yes.

I think this weather makes me tired. Along with this class. ISS. Lame.

It has definitely been one of 'those' days.

That, that is my study space. My study space is not sufficing. Maybe if I knew how to relax, life would be easier. Too much shit going on to worry about how to relax. How do you relax when...

- You have a job interview, a paper to get done, math to understand, a quiz to study for, reading to get done, have living "situations", are dead broke, only fall for gay boys, and you can't eat because your stomach has gotten so weak from dorm food?

If you have an answer that applies to all the above...please share. Or just lend me your gun. I'll do the honors.



Needless to say, Midterm week is kicking my ass- along with everything else. I need to learn to fight- metaphorically of course.

"Why do we do what we do?"- Chuck Palahniuk

It's Friday. A beautifully ugly Friday. It's cold and dark outside. I don't care. It's still Friday. Tonight, is going to be amazing. My welcome home, if you will. This weekend, for that matter, will be amazing. I have to go to a conference with my WRA Prof. I don't care, though. It's Friday. I have to go to math- it's still Friday.

I love Chuck Palahniuk's style of writing. It's disgusting, yet amazing. It captures and consumes its reader in the best way possible. Just finished reading "Lullaby", loved it. Reading "Diary" now, so far, so good. I think "Invisible Monsters" and "Survivor" will always be my favorites, but we'll see what comes of "Diary" "Choke" and "Haunted".


I also love The Album Leaf. this kind of music not only is beautiful to listen to, but it makes you feel. It generates emotions. That's the best kind of music there is, in my opinion. I think The Album Leaf has even surpassed Explosions In The Sky, for me. I still their music though. Four Tet is still new for me, so we'll see what comes of that I guess.

Four more minutes.

It's all good.

MSU in the fall- is gorgeous. It's cold, though.


Today was by far an amazing day.

Woke up, off to Theater 101.
Got my scene partner today- lets just say- I made out like a bandit, hah.
The scene we're doing is an open scene- so it's pretty much up to our interpretation.
We decided that our scene is about two Exes who are planning to get back together,
however, he is still with another girl, so I basically tell him to come see me once he's
broken it off. So he comes to see me and we have dialogue, and he tried to break it off
with her but failed, so he's begging me to just get with him already, but I tell him- Come back
tomorrow.

I'm really excited for it! More so for rehearsing it haha.

I finally gave in to my cravings, and ordered insomnia cookies- pretty good- not AMAZING though.

Took a three hour nap today, so I'm doubting that I'll be able to sleep tonight.

Open letter to the you that won't read this letter.

Dear person,
I'm sorry, but I really don't know what I'm trying to say. I'm pretty sure it's something along the lines of, I miss you, stop being a douche bag, and make time to see me. I don't know what about that sentence makes you think of me as a castrating bitch, but I just don't see it. Comparing me to Lorena Bobbitt, because I'm done being the only person trying to make our friendship work, was cruel. I'm pretty sure I'm no Lorena Bobbitt. The truth of the matter is our relationship has shifted 180 degrees and I feel like I'm falling from the sky when it comes to me and you. We were so close before, maybe too close given the circumstances. You weren't just like a brother to me, you were honestly one of my best friends. I love you. I really do. I probably always will. Every time I see you, my heart will probably race...but I can't do this anymore. I'm sick of holding myself back. I'm sick of waiting for you to be having a hard time, then coming my way. I need consistency. If you're going to be part of my life, then do it, if not, then I don't know why I still try. I'm sick of your one letter, to my three letters. I'm sick of your letters telling me "I don't need anyone." "I'll be fine on my own." Maybe that worked for you, because you had something else that kept you going. I'm not judging you, but I am telling you- I want you in my life, I might even need you in my life. But if you don't make the effort to be in it, then you obviously don't deserve my desire to have you in my life.
I've watched you try and save her this whole time. I never understood why you were trying to save her, when if she wanted to change, she would have done it already. She isn't going to change for you, she's going to change for herself, if she ever changes, that is. This made me realize, when you love someone, your childhood naivety comes back into play. I love you, and I now realize that I've been trying to save you this whole time. I've been doing to you what you've been doing to her. Looking at it now, as I'm about to change myself, I know that I can't change you. I can't make you see what you are doing is wrong, because you do love her. I can't make you see what you need is right in front of you, because you are too busy feeding off of the love between you and her. I guess, maybe, this only makes sense in my head. I'm okay with that.
It's time for closure. This is no love letter. It's a goodbye letter. Goodbye to you. Goodbye to my old self. It's time to start over new. It's time to make a change and stop living in a fantasy world. It's time for the world to become a colder place. I'll always love you, but I am done. Thank you for everything- you shaped who I was. It's time for me to take over, and shape who I am.
Sincerely,
Danielle

Apartment shopping.

So, I've filled out, and payed the application to live in Campus Village apartments next year. It couldn't have worked out better. I'll be living with Calla and Kim, maybe even Danielle if she calls me back.

I feel so old when I start dealing with these kinds of things, but at the same time I feel really young. Like I know I should feel old but I always thought it would feel different, maybe. I don't know.


Anyways, I walked for an hour and 10 minutes consecutively today :) Getting some good exercise. I love stepping on crunchy things. Leaves, acorns, acorn shells. Anything along those lines. It gives me a fulfilling feeling haha. Fall is perfect for this type of hobby, with all of the leaves falling. The breeze is really nice as well. I feel like this weather forces me to think though. It's so nice, but at the same time I can't clear my mind. I keep playing over and over in my head my relationships and friendships, and all the shit that goes along with them. It gets frustrating not being able to deal with it all like I'd like to. I think I'm in need of another trip to the Red Cedar. When I'm taking pictures I have to focus on something, which takes my mind off of everything else going on. There was this couple, sitting on the edge of the Red Cedar, holding hands and cuddling. I really wanted to get a good picture of it but it would be awkward if I just photographed them, and I didn't want to be the tool to ask if I could take a picture of them. I went over on the other side of the river thinking I could get the shot from there without making it obvious, but they were gone by the time I was over there :-/

Perhaps I'll go photograph sometime this week.

Back to the dorms.

The weekend was..disappointing. Friday night was great. Saw Ash Thomas- haven't seen her in a while. Had an amazing conversation with Loren Fenn. Probably the best part of the weekend, by far. Saturday went to a party-type-thing with a bunch of people from high school. It showed me how ready I really was for College. Sunday I learned how disappointing friends can be. I also learned to stop giving someone as many chances as I have. The ball is now in his court. He can do with it as he pleases, but I'm done forcing plans. If he wants to see me, he can contact me.

Back in the box of a dorm. It sucks when the weather is a record high of 90 degrees. Lets hope I can get some sleep.



P.S. I love that duck.

Hmm?

Do guys suck at life intentionally? I know I don't really mean all guys. For the most part, though, the ones I've been talking to, or hanging out with lately, have had a major suckage factor.

Example A.
My best guy friend. Barely ever get to see him, due to the fact that I'm at school and he's at home. Whenever I come home to visit, we make plans. He ALWAYS breaks them. The only successful time was the first weekend I came home. Seriously, what the fuck? We were such close friends before I left, we write each other when I'm at school, but for some reason, he can't make time for me every couple weeks I am home.

Example B.
A guy I was somewhat seeing...I guess. He took me to the movies. He picked me up. Payed for the movie. Kiss goodnight. I had lunch with a friend of mine and told her about it. She randomly and coincidentally meets him. Exchanges a few words. Finds out his name, and goes "Oh my friend went on a date with a guy named ---- last night." He goes- "Oh well I'm not really dating anyone." She goes- "Oh well her names Danielle and-" He goes-"Oh, yeah, Danielle, uh, we hang out..."
Honestly, going on a date, isn't marriage, it's not even commitment. Not to mention we've gone on a couple dates, and "hang out" quite often.


There's another example but I really don't feel like going into that one.


Situationally, boys suck.

Fridays.

Finally, it's Friday again. One of the most frustrating days for me here. For one, I have one class today, and it's at 3 PM. I never want to go to this class because it cuts into my day, and it's math. I hate math. With a passion. Then, in addition to math class, I have to go get my car. Walking from Holden to Mount Hope and Farm Lane is a pain in the ass. Plus, I can't just leave from Commuter lot. I have to drive my car to Holden and pack all my shit up, because I'm definitely not walking to Commuter with all of my stuff. 45 minute drive home. 'Nuff Said.

Tomorrow will be a better day :)

ISS 210

This class is going to kill me. I'm dead tired. What I really want to do right now is take a nap. Not sit in a 2 hour lecture that I won't comprehend. I feel like what she talks about has no relevance to anything else. It almost seems as if she started the class in the middle of the semester... :-/

There are so many people in this class. 200 I'd say. I love people watching. Quantity-wise, it's a great place to people watch. Quality-wise, not so much. Everyone does the same thing. They sit on their fancy laptops, talking to their friends on AIM, surfing facebook, or playing solitaire. Some people talk to the people around them, most just keep to themselves. I'm fortunate enough to sit in the back of the room, elevated. I can see every game of solitaire, every ESPN sports stat. It's great. The prof has a preconceived-notion that the kids in the back, me included, don't pay attention. Truth is, no one pays attention.

Some chick just tripped over her backpack.

No one knows what's going on.


This is great.

Something like insomnia

Every night, I sit at my computer, tired as can be. When I finally get my lazy ass up, climb the latter, and am in my lofted bed, I can't sleep. I just lay there with my eyes wide open. I don't even think about shit. I just blankly lay. I finally made a dent in "Lullaby" by Chuck Palahniuk. He is by far one of my favorite authors. I can't even put into words what entices me to continue reading in his books. I only hope to one day write something as interesting as his material.

An hour and a half until the train goes by.

Beautiful.

I sat down by the Red Cedar today. It runs right through campus, and I must say, it's quite lovely. I was photographing the ducks and all other sorts of random stuff, when I looked over and there was this amazing bird. So I got some shots of it :)


Today was a good day.

Relaxing.

Refreshing.

Just beautiful.

11:34 PM

Why did the chicken cross the road?

High traffic area.

My ISS class is somewhat of a joke at this moment in time.

I really like my prof, but sitting in a room for 2 hours learning how to do research for a paper (something I've been doing for quite some time now) is not my idea of an enlightening learning experience. Who doesn't know how to use google in this day and age?

I really can't believe she's giving out points for the people leading us in our google searches. Hah.

The girl sitting in front of me to the right, she's playing solitaire. The girl sitting in front of me to my left, she's on facebook. Another chick is playing with her cell phone. Some dude is asleep in the back row.

The people who are paying attention, well who cares about them?

I just hope that chick wins her game of solitaire, since Mac is incapable of putting solitaire on their iBook G4s.


New topic:

Isn't it so awkward when you're walking down the street and catch the gaze of someone else. It would all be fine if you both didn't hold the gaze too long. Yet you always do. Hold the gaze too long, I mean. And then you start thinking, if only. I do, at least.

New topic X2:

Carrie, from Sex and the City, once said, "We were having one of those great first dates you can only have when it's not an actual date."

I know what she means. I was watching that ridiculous show with my roommate (who loves S&theC), and I realized, I actually know that feeling! It's when it could never be a date, and you aren't quite sure if you'd want it to be, but it's perfect.


New topic X3:

I have no clue what my prof is speaking about.

Imogen Heap.

Where are we?
What the hell is going on?
The dust has only just began to form crop circles in the carpet, Sinking... Feeling...
Spin me 'round again and rub my eyes;
This can't be happening.
When busy streets a mess with people
Would stop to hold their heads heavy

-Hide and Seek By: Imogen Heap

Rainy Days

So, today I walked back from class in the rain. The whole time I saw a bunch of people with their umbrellas and speeding down the sidewalks on bikes. I decided to walk slower than usual. It was actually a really enjoyable time. Rain doesn't hurt, but I did feel like it cleared my mind. Not in the sense that it solved any of my problems, not that I have many, but more so that it took my mind off of everything, and I could just focus on the raindrops slowly hitting my body. It was a great feeling.


Why is it that the international center is such an awkward place to eat? Maybe it's because the tables are so close to one another. Or perhaps it's the random Philippine guy that was giving me the stare down while I was trying to enjoy my club bagel in peace.

I don't know why this is either, but I think when you eat in a public place, you feel more self conscious- like you're being judged by what, how, and where you eat. It's really awkward.