Resolutions.

That's right. I'm making some resolutions this year.

1. 3.5 this semester
2. get into shape
3. eat healthier and take vitamins
4. take more weekends to study
5. be nicer to my brother
6. save money



If I think of anymore I'll add them.

Clarity: A feeling.

I feel like my head is where it should be. I've finally sorted some things out. I feel a sense of clarity, where lately it has just been cloudy. I was expecting to feel the worst today, as it is Christmas and everyone is off with their loved ones, doing joyous things. Instead I feel happy, clear, and somewhat free of the burden my thoughts have been lately. I know I can't wish for too much, but I am hoping these feeling last through New Years, as not being a Christian, Christmas never really is too bad, just rather boring, whereas on New Years EVERYONE is with the person they love, bringing in the New Year with a simple kiss, if not more.

I know I shouldn't be thinking that far ahead though. As those nutty alcoholics say (it's a joke, relax), I need to take one day at a time.

For now, Merry Christmas.

For Later, Happy New Year.


Love- Sincerely,
The girl who loves wrapping presents.

Found.

I found my journal that goes from April of 2006 until May of 2007. I haven't read it yet, but I'm interested in how much progress, I've made in my life since then, and what problems I've resolved since then, and also, what problems have erupted since then.

The other night I was hanging out with my cousin and she had three or four, rather large boxes in her closet. When I had asked what they were she had told me they are memories from her life. So we decided to go through one of the boxes and in it was a bunch of old journals. We read a couple of them and it was so interesting to take a step back into the mind of a child. I feel kind of sad that I didn't hold on to old memories. I mean I have a letter box from when I was younger that holds a bunch of old letters and some cards, but other than that, nothing really. The letter box is actually really special to me.

When I was a little kid I had this nanny, Ruth. She was this big old woman, who had this huge boisterous voice. When I was little I was actually kind of scared of her; she could be harsh. I really did love her though, looking back. Well one day she brought me an old cigar box. Her and I sat down, and spent hours decorating it with construction paper, lace, gems, mini porcelain objects, and a bunch of other stuff. Ever since I've stashed my letters in it. Thinking about it makes me pretty sad, actually. Ruth passed away when I was 12 or 13. Whenever I see that box I think of her, though. She even wore this gold necklace around her neck that had to capitol letters, "B". It stood for 'Big Bitch'- no joke. We always laugh about that, to this day.

It's weird looking back...

Explosions In The Sky

This band is by far one of the most amazing bands I've ever heard. It's more than just music. It's emotion and feeling.


I don't know what to blog about. Today was a good day though. Woke up, went to Loren's. Shopped. Cooked. It kind of felt like summer- not the weather, but the feeling (yes, I just turned summer into a feeling). I bought a fuzzy, warm, bathrobe. I've been jealous of my suitemate's bathrobe the whole semester, so I finally got myself one like it. I also bought christmas lights for my apartment next year. I really love christmas lights. I can't help it. They're pretty.

I've also decided that Target is one of my favorite stores.


Wow, my life has become christmas lights and target shopping...

Wow.

So I found out people actually read my blog. Strange, I know. That picture was also taken at the Pistons game. I must say, I never really realized how close I am with my Dad. I mean, I've always considered myself super close with my Mom, I tell her everything. My Dad, however, not so much. Thinking about it though, my Dad and I are kind of like my roommate and myself. We have our best talks between the hours of 11 PM and 3 AM. Also, just like my roommate, whenever my Dad is on his computer, he is not to be bothered. There is no point trying to talk to him, because you won't respond. Within this past year and a half, I'd say, is when we got closer. Partially because thats when he started smoking again, so he'd wake up in the middle of the night to eat something and smoke a cigarette, and we'd just have an hour long talk about life.

Also, the couple weeks before I left for school, I was an emotional wreck. Every night for two weeks straight I'd cry myself to sleep. Well, when my Dad would wake up to have his midnight snack, he would notice how upset I was and he would just talk it all out with me. Sometimes I think, if it weren't for those talks, I wouldn't have ended up actually going to school. He really calmed me down.

Another awesome thing about my Dad is, he can't stay mad at me. We'll get into a fight, I'll go storming off into my room in tears, and five minutes later he'll come into my room and make a funny face or do a funny voice, and try to make me laugh. The longest I think I've ever fought with my Dad, and stayed mad at him was fifteen minutes. He's such a loving person, he just can't hold a grudge. Like the other day, for example, my Mom and him were fighting. He left, came home a little later and put a Tapper's Jewelry bag on her pillow. They started fighting again, and my mom looked over at her pillow and there her gift was. She obviously didn't stay mad long, because she wanted to open her jewelry. Not that he thinks jewelry will solve everything. He taught me so much about standing up for myself, and talking out issues, instead of running away from them. If it weren't for my parents, I'd be a coward.

I only hope I can find a guy as great as my Dad. As lame, and cliche as that sounds, he is the perfect guy. My parents act like they are still 19, and just met. Every single Valentine's Day, Sweetest Day, the occasional Birthday and Hanukkah, my dad buys both my Mom and I jewelry. We aren't rich, by any means, and he is constantly complaining about money, yet he will still go out of his way to do that one special thing for us on those special days, just to show he cares.

This year, on sweetest day, he tricked me into thinking all he got my mom was a card, and me a box of chocolate. Which would have been fine. He came in and handed me a box of chocolate and my mom her card. We both opened them, with somewhat disappointment, because it's almost like a tradition that we get jewelry. After we opened them, he came back upstairs with both of our real gifts in tow.

I know I have to live it up now, because most likely, I'm not going to find a guy who gets me nice things every fricking holiday, and I don't expect it. I feel bad, but I really don't wear ALL of my jewelry as often as I'd like. But my Dad does go out of his way to make me feel special, to show me that he truly cares, and that he loves me. He's the kind of guy, I could only hope for.


I guess that's my ode to my father.

That Cry.

I love my family, but sometimes they are not what I need. Sometimes what I need is just a good cry. I started to re-read The Five People You Meet In Heaven, by Mitch Albom, and I couldn't even get 30 pages in. I was just in need of a good cry.


Well, that picture is from the Piston's game. My dad surprised my brother and I with tickets to the game, 8th row :) It was a lot of fun. I met some of the guys he works with at T-Mobile, which was nice. Sometimes, occasionally, my brother can be cool. Like tonight for instance. He was a douche for a little while, but he obviously got over it, because he made me dinner and we actually ate together. It was kind of nice. I have a feeling that I shouldn't expect any more treatment like that for a long time though haha. It only comes in small doses.

I miss our friendship.

"Avalanche" by: Ryan Adams

I found your photograph in a cardboard box in a magazine
I can't remember you, remember us or anything
I taught you how to feel, but you just feel numb
They taught you how to feel, but you just feel numb

She comes apart in the avalanche
Fades out like a dance
Crawls back into bed
When it's over
When it's over
When it's over
And it's over

I watch the window and listen for the sound of cars
I can't remember the last time that it was yours
I taught you how to feel, why do you feel numb
They taught us how to feel, but we just feel numb

She falls apart in the avalanche
Fades out like a dance
Crawls back into bed
When it's over
When it's over
When it's over
When it's over

She falls apart in the avalanche
Fades out like a dance
Crawls back into bed
When it's over
And it's over
When it's over



This time of the year makes me miss life before college. I miss hoping for a snow day, or roughing out the roads in the good old West Bloomfield/Walled Lake. I miss acting like a child with my friends, having snow fights, and having no one to miss. That's it. I miss having no one to miss. Truth is- I'd give anything to take back a lot of things. It's really sad, looking back, what happened. Everyone made mistakes. It's unfortunate that those mistakes led us to where we are. At least to where I am. It's the holidays that make you realize, even when you're surrounded by as many people as there are in the world, you'll still feel completely alone. I still haven't come to terms with that yet. The worst part, you'd think that since you've been alone each year, it would just get easier, because you'd get used to it. The truth is, you never get used to it. If anything, it gets harder each year. Everything is a reminder of your seclusion, the music, the people around you, the presents, everything. From now on, maybe I should just hibernate during the holidays- that way, i'd sleep through that lonely feeling I get.

That song..describes the exact feelings I feel right now. You may not understand it..but it makes perfect sense.

The Airport.

I went and picked my brother up from the airport today. I've decided that airports are made for lonely people to feel even more lonely. Watching the people meet and greet their loved ones is almost saddening. Lame, I know.

Like I said, my brother is home. We are actually getting along, weird, I know. He treats me like a normal person- not really like a friend or anything, but just like a human being, hah.

I'm supposed to go to the piston's game tonight with mi padre and some other people who we haven't decided on yet. Problem is by the time we get there it's going to be so busy and crowded that it won't be fun. We'll for sure hit traffic- it won't be a good time.

If we don't go, I'll get to see my whole family, whom I miss very much. I'll get to see Hayden, my new, beautiful baby cousin I talk about all of the time.

I think I'm going to start video blogging. I don't know why, but all of the sudden I've realized I have a lot more to say when I speak, rather than when I type.

Well...

I'm home. Already, I'm bored. I feel like I always want to come home, but when I get here, I realize life goes back to being uneventful. It feels like a waste of time to just stay in and watch TV. I want to get out, and see my friends, but I also want to be back in EL, living that life. It's weird, because even though I don't have a best friend in EL, I know no one else has a one either, because it's still new. But here, I mean, I have Loren. But she has Jesse. I love Jesse, and I love Loren, but I still feel like somewhat of a third wheel, lame I know. Then I have Steph, and unlike Loren and Jesse, she doesn't try to make time for me, because of Adam. I don't really have 'single' friends here, which makes it hard.

I also feel like I put way too much emphasis on trying to find a significant other. I know I should focus on school. At the same time, I'm aware that a LOT of people meet their wives/husbands in College. So if I don't put any focus on it, and I only focus on school, sure I'll be successful- but I'll never meet someone. What's success if you can't share it with someone?

The holidays don't help. It's the season of love, where everyone gets with their SO and bring in the new year with a kiss. I've NEVER had someone to bring in the new year with like that. I know I need to get out and try and meet more people, but it's a lot harder than it seems...


And it leaves me here. Alone, bored, with no solution.

Finals...

are treacherous. I'm 3 down, and 1 to go, if you don't count the fact that I haven't turned in my final paper yet, even though it's done. I wrote that paper in, I would say the time span of a day. It kind of worries me, because my grade in that class is on the cusp of a 4.0 and 3.5. I have a 91.17- which is good- however, I don't want anything to bring it down- the participation grade in that class is why it's such a low A. I only have 62% participation in that class (I never really went because it was so easy). So I'm scared to turn the paper in because what if I'm missing something..I also know if I turn it in, it'll take a huge load off of my chest... what to do? Oh well I guess...


Another subject that's driving me crazy is math. I have a 3.0 in that class. For me, that's something to celebrate about... however, in order to keep the 3.0 I have to get a 70 on the final. Doesn't sound like it'd be too hard, does it? Think again. Math at MSU is hell. I've been studying for it for a couple hours now and I still keep making stupid mistakes. Now is when I wish Albert Einstein would posses me.


I really can't wait for all of this to be done. I went a little crazy this past week. Drinking Thursday through Sunday was not the brightest idea. Nor was continuing on Tuesday. My goal (which I will, whether I like it or not, achieve) is to not drink again until New Years). Going home will be so relaxing, too. I can finally catch up on reading and music that enjoy, rather those books I'm required to "read". I can also see all of my friends that I miss so dearly! Get some rest in, and laundry for that matter. In college, you don't learn how to be responsible... you learn how to re-wear clothes while avoiding stench and looking like a retard.

Really, now, I'm just putting off studying more for math... and walking back alone to my dorm. Good thing for mace ;)