St. Patty's Day

Let me just say that St. Patrick's Day will always leave a bad taste in my mouth.

Last year it was right after I broke up with Ex-Boy.  I was around annoying drunk people the whole day, stuck really far off campus with no transportation anywhere.  I finally sobered up and played DD to a party my friends were having that night.  By the time we got there everyone had been drinking all day long and were so on edge that it just wasn't any fun- for a lot of people.

Then I looked over and there it was, Ex-Boy, whom I had only been broken up with for two weeks, yet we still hooked up the week before (I had a hard time letting go), making out with a girl that was brought along to the party with one of my friends.

Needless to say I spent the night in tears.

*****

This year wasn't any better.

First off it was a stressful day of classes, which, when they ended I had a gruesome paper to write that I had been putting off for over a month that was due two days prior (I got a couple days extended).

After I finally finished the paper, which normally should have only taken me an hour or two to write, yet took me four hours to finish, I got ready for film club- something fun, right?

Well BJ-M decided that none of them were going to go, and I already agreed to meet an acquaintance there.  So I was stuck, without any of my confidants, attending film club expecting to see the Pres there.  Luckily he was too much of a pussy to show his face.

A good friend, we'll name her K Girl, ended up coming by and we went to BJ-M's place, despite that fact that he pissed me off by not attending last minute.

*****

We walk into a house, which you must imagine, that I know like the back of my hand.  I've basically lived there the past three and a half months.  The guys that live there are my best male friends, and know more than most about me, vice versa.  It's the kind of friendship that I can just show up unannounced and we end up hanging out cooped up there for three hours straight.

We have a solid group of friends that party and hang out with us that we very rarely stray from and if we do it's usually only one or two randoms that show up.

So I walk in and walk downstairs to where there is a plethora of party voices, only to find SEVEN people whom I have absolutely NO idea who they are, and only TWO of my friends.  You must understand that to walk into a situation like that with no prior warning is very uncomfortable.

It turns out that these are people BJ-M  and friends met on spring break in Panama.  One of which, is a girl BJ-M was obviously hooking up with considering the fact that she CLUNG to his arm as if the world was going to end...ALL night.  If that wasn't annoying enough, she was extremely unfriendly when I attempted to talk to her.

The time I spent trying to enjoy myself with K Girl and Jar (another friend), was soiled only by BJ-M coming up to me and whispering in my ear "oh my god you're so poutty, stop pouting!  wow you are so mad at me!  You are so mad!  You're pouting so much!"

*****

Truth is, I was really trying to have fun up until that point- I was singing along with the music, dancing with my friends.  But after he kept doing that- which is what he obviously wanted to see me doing, and after the hooker that was clinging was as unfriendly as she was, I really did start to pout.

I sat there with phone in hand, and played on it for 2 hours.  Once I was finally okay to drive I up and left, barely saying goodbye to anyone.

I turned to the hooker and throw her a quick "nice meeting you," without really even looking at her, and leave.

What probably pissed me off the most was the fact that BJ-M was a completely different person in front of this girl.  He wouldn't even play the music he liked (hardcore) until she left, but when she came back he'd switch it off.  He barely talked to me and Jar because we are the prime people he likes to freak out on, which I'm sure he didn't want to do in front of her, even though we all know he's only joking around, or that's just how he is.

*****

I don't care anymore.  I'll admit it.

I don't have those kind of feelings for BJ-M anymore.  But I definitely am the competitive, jealous best friend.

I don't like change- especially when I see it going in a bad direction.  Anyone who asks you, or you feel you must, change yourself for, isn't worth it.  Who I am is too important, more important than some college hook up or relationship.

I think I need a break from my group of friends now.

Seasonal Craziness

It's about that time of the season where I've had enough.  The cold is so annoying, I just want it to be warm.

I've had enough of the weather, enough of fighting with my parents, enough of school, everything is just ENOUGH!

I know it's seasonal, and I know once it warms up everything will seem to suddenly get better, but right now I just feel really out of control.

I have so much to get done- but then I feel like I have nothing to get done all the same.

-Read for Astronomy

-Read for film

-Watch movie for film

-work on my theater scene

-Read shakespeare (ugh) for English

I'm SO FRUSTRATEDDDD.

Waiting

I recently auditioned for a short film that had a concept that really stuck with me. In a scene from the screenplay a man is talking about how he was always waiting around for stuff to happen. He waited for everything, and felt as though he spent most of his life waiting. He finally decided to stop waiting and take control of his life.

When you really think about it, it's so true. We do, in fact, spend most of our lives waiting. Whether it's waiting in line, waiting for your food at a restaurant, waiting at a traffic light, waiting for a certain movie to come out- we spend a lot of time doing something that is pretty boring.

Personally, I'm so sick of waiting around for things to happen. Waiting for life to take place. Yet, how do you change? How do you stop all this waiting and take over your life? How do you make things happen for yourself?

If anyone has the answer, please, let me know.

I Hope I Won't Regret This: Part 3

Well.  The Let Down and I set plans for today to meet.  After I listened to his voicemail from Part 2 I decided that I really did want to meet up and talk about what had happened.

We met at 3:30 pm at a small hometown restaurant.  It was scary- to say the least.  I haven't seen this guy, the guy that was my best friend, whom I really did love, in a year and 4 months.

We talked about what happened, and I tried my best to listen with open ears, which I think I did well.  He said how he barely remembers why we stopped being friends, and of course, I reminded him.  He said that he didn't mean it how I took it that night, when he said I needed a clean slate and needed to start over.  That he was drinking the night we talked, which makes sense.

Ready for the kicker?  I asked how his 'wife' was doing.  His response- they broke up.  "Well did you even marry her?"  No.  He didn't.  He said he just told me that to hurt me because he was angry that I wasn't understanding him, and that I took it that he wanted to end our friendship.

I guess what he was trying to say that night was not that our friendship needed to end- but rather that we just needed time apart, and he felt our friendship was strong enough to go on hold, just until Trashy Girl was okay with us being friends.

He apologized.  I could tell he meant it, and that he really did care- but he showed it in an awful way.

We then went on to talk about what has happened to each of us over the past year and 4 months.  He has really gotten his life together- and I really am happy for him.  He broke up with Trashy Girl, and has been seeing a new girl for the past 3 months.  He moved out of his mom's place, and got a car.  He really went into a lot of detail about what had happened to him over the time apart.  I didn't.  It felt like I was starting over, like he didn't know me at all- I couldn't make it as personal as we used to be.  That was sad for me.

I told him that I was glad he was doing well and it was nice seeing him.  I also reminded him that he now has my email and if he'd like to, he can send me a message.

I don't know that he will.  I'd like him to, though.  Either way though, for me, this was closure.  Well needed closure.

I just hate that I feel so sad after it all.  It feels like a part of my heart died.  That chapter of my life is now closed- and there's no replacing the words on the page, or rewriting the ending.  What happened, really did happen- and I realize that more than ever after talking about it with him.

I guess it's time to move on.

Oh, and I did get my book back...

I Hope I Won't Regret This: Part 2

So.  I'm running up to my room to finish getting ready for our family Hanukkah party.  I walk into my room and see a missed call. 

It's a number I don't recognize.  Normally, I wouldn't call them back unless they left me a voicemail, but for some reason I didn't think and I jumped right on calling them back and finding out who it was.

Ring ring.  Ring ring.

Person on the other end: "Oh..Shit."

EB: "Hi I got a call from this number."

Person on other end: "Hi...It's LD." (The Let Down)

EB:" Oh..."

LD: "Yeah..."

EB:" Sorry, I wasn't expecting you to call..how are you?"

LD:"I'm good how are you?"

EB: "I'm fine. So this  book.  When can I get it?"

So the conversation goes we figure out a day that works- tomorrow.  He says that he thought he was going to miss me and that I'd have already gone back to EL, that he just now got a chance to check my email that I wrote a couple days ago.  He says he'll call me tomorrow, but if I need to call him the number he called from is his cell.  The end.

So I think...

I hang up only to notice I just received a voicemail.  He must have been leaving it while I was calling him.

The voicemail is the main attraction, let me tell you- it goes like this:

Hey EB, it's LD.  I hope you're not back in EL but I just now got to check your email on my roommate's computer.  You know... I really wish you weren't mad at me..I can't even recall why you were mad at me in the first place.  We just need to talk and shit because I hate having someone like you on my angry list- so stop being angry- alright call me back.  Later.

Wow.  WOW!

So lets recap:  We were best friends, almost too close.  He lived with his parents still (a grown man, mind you).  He had a girlfriend who was complete trash, who just got out of jail, and also lived with her parents (grown woman).  I go away to school so sad to leave my best behind.  We write to each other and hang out a couple times when I come home.  Then he stops talking to me.  Ditch's me when we plan to hang out.  When I confront him about it he tells me that we basically can't be friends, that I need a fresh slate at school, and, "But I mean, if you're going to call me all crying and shit like you're going to kill yourself, of course i'll  be there for you."  Thus our friendship ended when I texted him have a good life- and he responded- "If it makes you feel any better, no one came to the ceremony, it was at the courthouse," which meant he married the girlfriend.

It's  been a year and 4 months since I've seen him last.  A year and 3 since we've last talked and ended our friendship.

I don't know what to think about tomorrow, yet I can't get it off my mind...

When The Brother is in Town, Shit Will go Down

If you didn't know, I have an older Brother. We'll call him BPhil (no his name is not Phil, it just works as a nickname). Well my brother lives year round in London, working for a marketing company, and completing his masters at the London School of Economics. The last time BPhil was home was over a year ago.

Needless to say, a lot has happened over the year. For one, apparently our relationship went from a passionate hatred of sibling rivalry to a friendly brother/sister type...thing, I guess.

Normally we would never exchange gifts, so when I did my holiday shopping I only bought for my parents and Penny.

Well, BPhil arrived last night with gifts in tow for everyone, including me. I received a lovely LSE T-Shirt in which he guessed my size impeccably.

Today I was talking with my mother and told her I needed a gift idea for him, in which I'd go get on Friday, and give to him at the family Hanukkah party that evening.

My mother was quick to tell me that he is in desperate need of cologne, for he has been using his roommates for the past month. Perfect! I thought. I decided to go scope out his things and see if I could find even an empty bottle he might have brought with him in hopes of getting the last drop of cologne.

First I checked the bathroom- no luck, only his tooth brush and his deodorant resided there.

In a brave step, I decided to check BPhil's bedroom, I mean, he hasn't even unpacked yet, right? (Of course he wasn't home when I was doing this, I'm not that sneaky)

I walk into his room and first check the desk- nothing.

His suitcase was lying out open on the floor- I went to go stand over it and take a peak when something screamed out at me.

A lovely little travel box of Trojan Condoms was staring straight at me.

In a quick moment I ran out of his room, down the stairs and confronted my mother.

"Mom, maybe it's best if you just ask BPhil what he wears, and I'll get him whatever cologne he says."


Now, BPhil is almost 25 years old. It's kind of expected, and I'm pleased that he's safe about it...but come on- right on top in his suitcase?!


Merry Christmas Eve to me.

A Post In Response to a Reader and an Evening of, Well...I Don't Know.

Part A:

Jest (who's blog is AMAZING by the way)  wanted to know why I think NNBoy is a player.  So I thought I'd address that because, as she pointed out, I did mention that before.

The reason I believe this is for a couple reasons.

1.  He's the kind of guy who throws out these wonderful lines that you only hear in movies, to make you (me) feel amazing.  Which got me to thinking- he's way too good at this.

2. The night that NNBoy came to my apartment party he got pretty drunk.  Of course, me being semi-sober, I thought it was a great idea to encourage him to keep drinking.  Well in leu of that, he was unable to even read his text messages- in which he asked me to read one of his.  NNBoy has a fancy phone.  The kind that shows you not only the text in which he received, but the string of texts pertaining to that particular one.

I got to not only read that he is using the same material with some other girl, but also that she might be coming up for a visit and they are planning to see a film together.  Of course I jokingly told him "Wowwwww NNBoy I see you use that line often."  In which he responded- "What?  I mean, she's just this girl  thats been blowing me off and stuff- She offered to pay for a movie so I accepted, thats all- how do I know that you don't have a string of guys that you talk to..etc. etc."

3. Everytime I brought it up- you know, that he's at "playa status" he wouldn't deny it- he would just say something along the lines of "like your phone isn't blowing up from thousands of guys"

4.  He's admitted to the fact that his best friend truly is a player.

To be quite honest- none of this matters to me.  We just met.  I'm trying my hardest not to fall too hard for the kid, and knowing that he could be a player is helping me to keep my guard up a bit.

Part B:

It's funny that Jest has asked about him because tonight him and I hung out.

I had baked cookies today, so I brought over a tupperware of some.

EB: "Hey.  I brought you a present"

NNBoy: "Oh yeah?  Oh..I'm so full"

EB:  "Okay...well eat them later then"

No "thank you for the cookies"- Nothing.

The rest of the night wasn't any better.  It consisted of us 'jokingly' fighting/picking on each other back and fourth.  Unlike most of the times we hung out, he wouldn't cuddle with me.  When I jokingly tackled him he wouldn't kiss me, and when I threatened to leave he didn't care.

I mean, yes, we were joking.  However, if I wanted to be jokingly insulted half the night, I would have called my brother and had a lovely conversation with him.

I finally told him I was leaving and got up.  I told him he might want to come lock the door after me and his response was "I'm not going to get up only so you can come back in here 3 minutes later."

That did it.  He challenged me- I had to.  I left his apartment, left the apartment complex, and drove a couple miles down the road to a friends place in which I spent the night with 4 of my film club guys goofing off, drinking beers, and watching films.

I must say I enjoyed myself much more with them than with him.  Oh, and also- they showed COMPLETE appreciation for the cookies I brought them.

I didn't want to end the night with NNBoy on a bad note so I texted him "Have a good Christmas, see you after the holiday."

His response: "I don't chase if that's what you thought would happen but thanks you too"

My response: "I didn't.  I went out.  Thanks."

I don't like playing games, and I'm not going to put up with someone if I don't think they want me there.

I would, however, like to know what my readers would have done given the same situation.  Was I too harsh?  Did I get my point across?  Do you think NNBoy will ever want to see me again?

Go Red Wings!

The city of Detroit always provides me with the best stories.

So, instead of doing what everyone else at MSU is doing right now, which is studying like crazy for finals, I agreed to accompany my friend, Koz, to the Red Wings Game tonight (last night?).

My schedule for today was- wake up, miss blowing, be hysterical, talk to probation, calm down, go home, go to the wings game, go get food, come back to MSU, and work 3-7 AM.

Not much time for anything remotely resembling sleep.

~~~~~~~~~

Koz and I meet up and we drive to Detroit (the Joe Louis Arena) for the game.  For some reason, probably because I've only ever been to a wings game when I was little, I didn't think the JL Arena was in D-twon.  But it is.

So we took the People mover to the arena from where we parked (the ren center).

~~~~~~~~~~

Before we went, Koz had told me our seats are a surprise- knowing Koz I knew this either meant they were really really good, or really really bad.  Well I was lucky- they were really really good.

We were sitting in section 114 (ground section) row 3 (right  behind the goalie) seats 5 and 6.  AMAZING seats.  My pictures turned out awesome.  Not to mention the wings kicked ass- won 4 to 3 in OVERTIME!

~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the game it's time to try and find our way out of the madness.  First we wait in a ridiculous line for the people mover.  Bad idea.  After thinking about it thoroughly we decide to walk aimlessly around detroit trying to navigate to the Ren Center from Joe Louis.  Not very easy, let me tell you.

We end up deciding to walk through Cobo (some big building in D-Town).  While we are walking a man approaches us.  Of course, he is one of Detroit's finest (a bum). 

Bum:  Everyone needs to get one of these! (holds toothpick up with a little american flag attached)

Koz: (being the sweet guy he is) Thanks!

Bum:  want to make a donation to the vets now?

Koz: I only have a 20 on me

Bum: I have change

Koz: give me 15 back. (bless his soul)

Bum: wanna give me another 5 dollars for your wife?

Me: I don't need a flag, thanks.

So within the course of five minutes Koz got conned into giving this bum 5 dollars.  And we apparently pulled off the married look.  Cute.

We then decided the whole walking idea was, in fact, a bad idea.  So we hopped on the People mover at Cobo.  Finally made it to the car after getting lost inside the ren center, then grabbed a bite to eat at Denny's.

~~~~~~~~~~~

After all of that I drove back to Lansing.  I'm surprised I didn't get into an accident or pulled over considering I was pretty much falling asleep at the wheel.  I had to pull over a couple times to regain my composure.  It was a stressful drive.

The game, however, was totally worth it!

Lets Compete

I have a vice that I need to overcome.  I've been doing this for as long as I can remember.  I have no idea where it came from and why I continue to think this way, but I do.  It needs to stop.

I've noticed that I'm a very competitive person.  Sometimes this is okay.  However, I find myself  being competitive in situations where there is no need for competition.

For example-

1. School

I do this in classes.  I constantly compare myself to others.  I look at their grades and if they do better, I get angry.  No matter who studied more, no matter who understands the material better, I get mad.

2. Acting

As you all know, in recent weeks I've gotten pretty into film club which has revived my passion for acting.  FA is also very much into acting so when I found out about different auditions I'd let him know about them.  Well, I've started realize how I'm secretly making every audition into a competition.  He may not know it, and even though it's impossible for us to be competing for roles (he's obviously male and I'm obviously female), I find myself in intense competition to do better than him.  I secretly hope he does poorly at all of his auditions and when it turns out opposite I get pissed off.

What is it about myself that makes me compare myself to others.  I've been doing this forever with my brother.  I constantly compare everything I've received in life to everything he ever got, which only leaves me coming up disappointed.

How do you change the way you think when it's all you've ever known?

How do you come to accept a change when you don't even know where your former behavior stems from?

Some Early Resolutions

Alright, I know it's a little early for this- but I have some I need to put out there right now to ensure a quality year next year.

Speaking of, it would seem that every year brings new challenges.  Last year was the 'Year of Sick'.  This year was the 'Year of Cops'.  Lets hope that next year will be the 'Year of Steamy Romance'.

Alright- now for these resolutions:

1. Get on top of school-

Study study study!  All 4.0s!

2. Stop talking to Ex-Boy.

It's getting ridiculous this coming and going act I keep putting myself through.  I need to cut that shit out for good.

3. Start being more forward with what I want with certain people 

(FA to be specific, if he's still around by then).

4. Get on top of my probation-

I have had too many close calls for my liking, whether it be forgetting to set an alarm, or drinking too much, even if I do stop before 10:30 pm.

5. Money management!

So self explanatory

Awkwardddd

Thanksgiving.

Well, lets start with the fact that we combined it, like I said in my previous post.  There was about 30 some people there.  It was ridiculously busy.

Also, as soon as I walked in I got bombarded by my family about winning the 48/5- everyone was oh so excited.  They all gave me shit about the fingers thing too :-/  I guess that just comes with the territory.

Dinner ends.  We are all sitting around, and my deadbeat cousins decide to make an announcement...

They're pregnant..again.  Oh boy.  Everyone says, in their most un-excited expressions "congrats..."

It was awkward.

My Mother is Crazy...and I'm Running Out of Time, Apparently

There will be two topics in today's discussion, class. First one being the fact that my biological clock is ticking.

In my head, I know that this is a ridiculous statement. I know that I am young, and I have TONS of time before I need to find the man of my dreams (read: the poor schmuck who ends up marrying me). However, it's difficult to keep this in mind when, literally, 6 of my friends/people I knew in high school have gotten engaged in the past 3 months. That's right. 6 people, all of whom have only been out of high school, at the most, 4 years. This is scary for me. At my age, my mother and father had already met and were engaged.

They say that this is the time in your life when, physically, your body is looking for a mate. You appear more attractive, you peak, sexually, and emotionally, that's what most people are looking for (women, at least). Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that all women in their early 20s are automatically looking for their mate to marry- but most of them are at least looking for a relationship.

I know it's a ridiculous worry. It's probably one of my vices, worrying about stupid things. Yet, for some reason, it seems to be looming over me, and I can't shake the feeling that I'm going to come up too little, too late.

Topic two, in our discussion.

My mother is psycho. We all know how obsessed she is with my puppy. I'd be lying to myself to say that I'm getting Penny back from my mother. My mother is so disillusioned to the point that she will call me on the phone to tell me the most trivial of facts about what my puppy was up to today.

For instance- today Penny took a nap on my mother's lap, then played. She, apparently, missed her doggy friends down the road, so they went to visit them. Then she spied out the window on the neighbors. The house started shaking and she got scared, but when my mother told her it was only a helicopter, she calmed down.

Am I the only one that thinks that it's utterly insane that my mom considers my dog to be another daughter. Her excuse for not coming to visit, for example, is that it would be too much of a strain on Penny to drive an hour to come visit me...

This is an issue.

Eavesdropping.

Normally I wouldn't post twice in such a short period of time, but there seems to be nothing on tv, and nothing to do, so I figured, why not?

Have you ever sat somewhere, like a coffee shop, or bookstore, and just eavesdropped on someone's conversation.  I tend to do this a lot on accident.  It's not that I really care what they're saying, I wouldn't call it nosy, but I would call it people watching.  You can get the best material or inspiration to write about just listening to other people's conversations.

This is because it's real.  It's something substantial because it really happened, or it really was discussed.  This makes it interesting, something that others would want to read.

I recently wrote a screen play, if you remember correctly.  I had a friend read it, and the one scene that he really liked, that he thought was substantial and not just a filler for the rest of the script was the scene I based off of a conversation I heard in one of my classes.

I try to bring with me now, everywhere I go, a piece of scrap paper or a small notebook to jot down things I hear others say, bits and pieces of conversations, or thoughts I have based on other's conversations.

Maybe nothing will come of it, or perhaps, something great will.

Happy Belated Halloween.

I've never really gotten into Halloween.  Last year, both of my costumes were VERY makeshift, you probably wouldn't have been able to tell what I was with the exception of my devil costume, because of the ears.

This year I decided I needed to get into it a little more, and I bought a costume, which you all saw, some posts ago.  In case you didn't know, in college, Halloween is not one night.  If it falls on a weekend, then it's the whole weekend.  If it falls in the middle of a week- then it's the weekend before it and the weekend after it.  People get really into it.  

Thursday night was the first night I went out and rocked the costume.  I ended up going out with a friend from high school (will be my roommate next year!) and her roommates from this year.  There's this club at state called Ski Club, which really should just be called Drinking Club, because they don't actually ski.  You pay 40 dollars dues for the year and you get free alcohol at every party they have.  Considering I can't drink, it was still fun to go to their party.

It was in a house, it was PACKED, and everyone was in crazy costumes.  Now that I can't drink I'm a lot more aware of guys getting close to my body.  At one point I had to tell Borat to back his shit up.

Me:  Excuse me Borat, but I'm a BOMB, and I'm U.S. property, so you might want to back off!

Borat:  Yeah girl, you are a bomb...a bombshell!

*rolls eyes*

Some crazy scientist was all up on my shit and when he finally stopped hovering and asked me to dance, I politely turned him down, poor kid, I don't think anyone would dance with him, he needs to work on his game.

That's halloween for you though.  Everyone is someone else, so it's a new kind of confidence.

Last night, actual halloween, was not as fun as Thursday night.

You see, a couple of my friends like to drink until they've drunk too much, and it just got messy.  It's hard to stand by sober and watch people be drunk fools, so I felt obligated to play mom, which, is no fun.

I ended up leaving early, which still aid me in getting up so early this morning to do a PBT.

Probo the morning after halloween...I could have called that.

That's what you call it when you get traumatized by someone- Bonding.

Last night, after the AMAZING defeat MSU had over U of M, I went out with my 27 year old cousin and her 22 year old boyfriend, who, yes, is closer to my age, than hers.  As you might know, I'm from the  suburbs.  Not really a city girl (yet), and the city of East Lansing is smaller than my hometown, so it doesn't really count.  Anyways, we decided to hit up Detroit.  I've been to Detroit before, but only one other time that was on the same playing field as last night.  Usually I'd go for a baseball game, or in High School we'd go during the afternoon on a field trip.  Ridiculous stuff like that.

Last night we decided to hit up the town and our first stop was The Magic Stick.  Last time I was in Detroit, aside from last night, we went to the Majestic Cafe, which is attached to the Magic Stick, and then hit up some sketchy house party.  At the Majestic Cafe, it was a lot of late 20, early 30-somethings having a drink after work.  Last night, not so much.  The Magic Stick is a totally different atmosphere.  It's a grungy version of Lucky Strikes almost.  It's like a dirty dive bar downstairs, then in the back is bowling, and when you go upstairs it's a concert venue..a small one.

Last night, The Legendary Pink Dots were playing the venue, hence why we ended up there, because Christos, Sarah's boyfriend, was photographing them (it's his job).  If you didn't know, the reason they put Legendary in front of band names, is because the band is most likely pretty old.  This band- was like a cult.  Creepy, to say the least, and old.  Their following was all mid forties men with extremely long hair.  Needless to say, Sarah, her friend who showed up a little later, and I hung out at the dive bar part downstairs, shooting the shit.

If there is something you'd need to know about Sarah, it's that she was always the golden child of our family.  She got praise everywhere she went.  Which, ultimately, aided the fact that she's become one of the most judgmental people I know.  Don't get me wrong, she can be a lot of fun, but sometimes it's a little much.  Another thing, Sarah used to be BIG in the underground Chicago club scene, in which everyone in said scene has a crazy fake name they go by, so most of her friends are named Awesome, or Clash, or Crank, or whatever weird shit they come up with.  That part isn't so much relevant, as it's just a fun fact.

So, Sarah and I are hanging out, and talking about some of our family that we aren't so fond of*.  We are pulling out these crazy stories that revolve around them and just laughing at how ridiculous they are.  Then Sarah starts to say something about one of my family member, but she didn't outright say it, and I didn't know what she was talking about, so I asked.  Next thing I know, Sarah's face goes extremely pale and she tries to change the subject.  Of course, one's first instinct in a situation like this is to try to get the story out of them.  We fought about her telling me for 10 minutes before she finally told me one of the craziest, most ridiculous stories I've ever heard.

I'm not going to say what was said, because I do deem it extremely inappropriate for people to know, even myself included, I wish I hadn't even bothered.  However, I'm so bothered by it now.  I almost feel like it's just Sarah's side of the family making shit up because they dislike these particular family members that much.  Which, in this case would be very plausible.  However, the story she told...that too could be very plausible.  I can't ask any of my family, because if it is true, I'm obviously not supposed to know, and I'm not sure any of the family is REALLY supposed to know, and if it isn't true, they would be devistatedly** hurt that the other side of our family would make up a story of this level.

I finally made Sarah drop the story.  I'm just going to pretend like I've never heard it.  It's that disturbing, and I love my family unconditionally, no matter what crazy shit goes down.

So after the Magic Stick, and all the crazies that frequent it, we decided to hit up an underground bar show that Christos knew about.  First, we got lost driving around Detroit for about an hour, though.  While that was going on, some hoodlum on a bicycle was trying to pick us up, cause we know the "Hey Baby" method works, oh so well.  We did FINALLY make it to the underground bar show.

When we pulled up- this place was SO fucking jank.  All the windows were boarded up, and you'd think that it was shut down- it wasn't.  We walked in, and all we heard was noise- apparently this is the kind of shit Christos listens to.  Everyone in the place was either completely trashed, or coked up.  It was enjoyable to be a bystander.  Christos got me a beer and I stood in the corner with Sarah.  We finally got tired of the noise, and decided to head back to the 'burbs.  These are the kinds of nights that Sarah has every weekend.  I can only imagine.. and lets leave it at that.

*I really do love my family a lot, but you know, there are always the little things you have to vent about.

**Yes, I just created that word.  Spread it, live it, love it.

Are. You. Kidding. Me?

Today has been so weird. For one, I love my friends, glad I still had fun at the tailgate and game without drinking. That's not the weird part though. The weird part is that for some reason, guys seem to think I'm just around and down for hooking up. I'm sorry if I gave you that impression but seriously, I'm not down for that shit anymore. It's not even random drunk guys, which makes it worse. It's the one's I know. The one's I hang out with. It's stupid.

I'm no one's random hookup, I'm no one's back burner girl, and I want a relationship, so unless you're down for something real, don't come barking up this tree, cause this cat won't be coming down.

Life's Little Annoyances

Today was kind of an annoying day.

I'll start with this morning.  I definitely did not want to wake up this morning.  I stayed out really late at the library last night, didn't get home until 2:3o AMish, and I was just exhausted.  So getting up, was not on my priority of things to do this morning.

I ended up sleeping in, skipping my first class.  I went to my second and class and when I got there I sat in my usual seat.  One thing to know about me is, no matter how annoying the people are that sit around me I still will, for the most part, always sit in the same seat, or close to it, in my lectures.  So I sit down and first I hear these two soWHORity girls chatting away.  If you heard their conversation, you would swear they came right out of Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion.  As if how they talked wasn't annoying enough, they just went on and on and on about sorority drama.  I don't have a problem with most sorority girls, but some of them are just SO stupid.  These girls give sororities a bad name.

Once the barbies stopped complaining about sorority drama,  some 'bros' came and sat down next to me.  A question- does anyone else find it annoying when people use the word 'legit' completely abusing its definition?  I do.  I'm sitting there and they are talking about how their friends just found a house for next year, and they're so excited.  Then, one of the bros goes on to say, "Yeah that house is gonna be so legit."  In my mind I think to myself- how the FUCK does a house become 'legit'?  Not only did he say it then, but he used it at least four other times improperly. 

So once class started and all of the annoying people around me shut up (yeah I had no patience today) I noticed my phone, which was on silent, was ringing.  It was an unknown number, so as discretely as possible, I left the lecture hall to go answer it, but I didn't make it!  So now I keep wondering who the hell was calling me from an unknown number :(

When I got home, the kitchen was a mess, the roomies left dirty dishes all in the sink, and I ended up cleaning it all.

I'm hoping tonight isn't as annoying as today was.  I'm pretty much on my last nerve.

A Funny Conversation.

My father and I were in the car going to pick up turkey for Penny (that's right, it's all she'll eat in her moment of pain), and movies for the evening. We start talking about my love life... unfortunately.

Me: I'll be lucky if I find anyone.

Dad: D, not only will you find a boy, you will find a beautiful boy, and he will be Jewish, and you will marry him, and believe it or not, you will like him so much, you will even have children with him.

Me: Oh gosh, thanks for the fairytale ending Dad! More like nightmarish ending...

Dad: Well the best news is your children will be complete and total brats. They'll make you and your brother look like perfect Angels.

Me: Why is that?

Dad: To make up for all the times you were moody as a teenager.



Skip to talking about men who are attracted to fat women...

Dad: The only reason men go for fat women is because they have low self esteem- being with the fat girl makes them look better to themselves...

Me: That's so not true, some men seriously just like a thicker kind of woman.

Dad: D, you want to know how to have sex with a fat woman? Roll her in flour and look for the wet spot.

Me:..........That was so wrong Dad. EW.... HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA.





Seriously- this may sound so fucked up, but that's how a lot of our conversations take place, especially when it's just us driving in a car. We have that weird relationship where he tells me dirty jokes and then tells me I have to be a virgin until I die...or until I get married. And then he gets all sensitive...yada yada yada etc. etc.

Open letter to the you that won't read this letter.

Dear person,
I'm sorry, but I really don't know what I'm trying to say. I'm pretty sure it's something along the lines of, I miss you, stop being a douche bag, and make time to see me. I don't know what about that sentence makes you think of me as a castrating bitch, but I just don't see it. Comparing me to Lorena Bobbitt, because I'm done being the only person trying to make our friendship work, was cruel. I'm pretty sure I'm no Lorena Bobbitt. The truth of the matter is our relationship has shifted 180 degrees and I feel like I'm falling from the sky when it comes to me and you. We were so close before, maybe too close given the circumstances. You weren't just like a brother to me, you were honestly one of my best friends. I love you. I really do. I probably always will. Every time I see you, my heart will probably race...but I can't do this anymore. I'm sick of holding myself back. I'm sick of waiting for you to be having a hard time, then coming my way. I need consistency. If you're going to be part of my life, then do it, if not, then I don't know why I still try. I'm sick of your one letter, to my three letters. I'm sick of your letters telling me "I don't need anyone." "I'll be fine on my own." Maybe that worked for you, because you had something else that kept you going. I'm not judging you, but I am telling you- I want you in my life, I might even need you in my life. But if you don't make the effort to be in it, then you obviously don't deserve my desire to have you in my life.
I've watched you try and save her this whole time. I never understood why you were trying to save her, when if she wanted to change, she would have done it already. She isn't going to change for you, she's going to change for herself, if she ever changes, that is. This made me realize, when you love someone, your childhood naivety comes back into play. I love you, and I now realize that I've been trying to save you this whole time. I've been doing to you what you've been doing to her. Looking at it now, as I'm about to change myself, I know that I can't change you. I can't make you see what you are doing is wrong, because you do love her. I can't make you see what you need is right in front of you, because you are too busy feeding off of the love between you and her. I guess, maybe, this only makes sense in my head. I'm okay with that.
It's time for closure. This is no love letter. It's a goodbye letter. Goodbye to you. Goodbye to my old self. It's time to start over new. It's time to make a change and stop living in a fantasy world. It's time for the world to become a colder place. I'll always love you, but I am done. Thank you for everything- you shaped who I was. It's time for me to take over, and shape who I am.
Sincerely,
Danielle

Something to write about.

Have you ever been in one of those moods. The mood that makes you feel totally inadequate?

I was crossing the street tonight. It was dark outside and I was wearing a black sweatshirt. A pickup truck was coming up pretty fast to my right. It was one of those moments where they had just come from a stop sign so they were accelerating. The girls with me sped up to cross to insure their safety. I walked the same speed the whole way. At that one moment I would have been fine with that truck hitting me.

I was thinking about it while I was walking around campus, yesterday. If I were to get hit by a car, or a bus, I wouldn't want to die, but I most definitely wouldn't want to be fine. It's one of those things that would change your whole life...or what's the point. I know that sounds completely morbid.

I can assure you I don't want to die. I don't want to get hit by a bus or a car either. For some reason, though, these thoughts crossed my path.


It's just been one of those days, I guess.

I feel as if I haven't met enough people. Like my friendships should already be established, a month in. I hate that. Starter friends. It kinda sucks a lot. Heh- what great writing rhetoric I have, right?

I'm so used to staying out until three in the morning having all sorts of sober fun. Not here, though. If it were a Friday night back home, I would be sitting in a movie theatre, watching the previews. Around here everyone is out with their "other" friends, or sleeping, or who fucking knows. This is the time I feel most alone. It helps that I, obviously, am alone. I'm sitting in an empty room, listening to chick folk (Mirah).

So what to do? Get a job? Tried. Join a club? Tried that too.

For now, I guess, I'll just have to stick it out.


TGIF tomorrow.









Oh yeah, no one reads this... :(