My father and I were in the car going to pick up turkey for Penny (that's right, it's all she'll eat in her moment of pain), and movies for the evening. We start talking about my love life... unfortunately.
Me: I'll be lucky if I find anyone.
Dad: D, not only will you find a boy, you will find a beautiful boy, and he will be Jewish, and you will marry him, and believe it or not, you will like him so much, you will even have children with him.
Me: Oh gosh, thanks for the fairytale ending Dad! More like nightmarish ending...
Dad: Well the best news is your children will be complete and total brats. They'll make you and your brother look like perfect Angels.
Me: Why is that?
Dad: To make up for all the times you were moody as a teenager.
Skip to talking about men who are attracted to fat women...
Dad: The only reason men go for fat women is because they have low self esteem- being with the fat girl makes them look better to themselves...
Me: That's so not true, some men seriously just like a thicker kind of woman.
Dad: D, you want to know how to have sex with a fat woman? Roll her in flour and look for the wet spot.
Me:..........That was so wrong Dad. EW.... HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA.
Seriously- this may sound so fucked up, but that's how a lot of our conversations take place, especially when it's just us driving in a car. We have that weird relationship where he tells me dirty jokes and then tells me I have to be a virgin until I die...or until I get married. And then he gets all sensitive...yada yada yada etc. etc.
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