Back in the flow of things.

There really is no better feeling then finally being home. Oh how I missed my dear Michigan State University this past summer. It's weird how life works sometimes. I finally felt like I was on top of things with my personal life, but then my academic life slipped. Now, here I am, doing great with my academic life, yet my personal life seems to be slipping out of my finger tips (not in the sense that I have no personal life anymore, just in the sense that everything is heading in different directions and different speeds and it's all just happening so fast).

Lets start with the fact that I could totally be in control of things that go on in my life if I would only make the decisions to do so. Instead I make these decisions that put me in situations where I know I won't be able to manipulate it to my liking. However, I just seem to go in those directions anyways, because they just feel so... comfortable? Happy (at first)? Exciting, or thrilling? God, if I know.

People always tell me that this decision, that I say I've invested nothing into, is going to hurt me in the end. The truth is, they are right. I know they are right. For some reason, it's just easier to tell myself that this could work, that if I do it different this time, it could work, but I'm wrong. The truth is, I've invested more than I EVER should have into it. I put it all there, and everyone, including the karmic gods, are telling me I've completely lost it.

I've been trying to come to terms with this huge thing, a situation with Ex Boy, and every time I tell myself "I'm done" or "I'm over it" something happens where I make this new 'choice' that turns all my progress around, that puts me right back where I started. How do I learn to say "I'm done" or "I'm over it" and mean it? What must happen for me to really realize that it's never going to work, that it's not meant to be, that I'm being completely idealistic opposed to realistic?


I'll get hurt, I'm sure. And it will hurt even more than the last time, I'm sure. For some reason, known only to the holder of our lives, I just don't think I'll ever get over it, I'll never truly move on...

Does anyone ever truly move on though? Or is it more of a placing it far away in your mind, awaiting that one moment when something, who knows what, but something will awaken it, and then you're back in that hole, and it just keeps getting deeper and deeper, and you find it even harder to see the surface.

My surface just keeps getting farther and farther away...