Resolutions.

That's right. I'm making some resolutions this year.

1. 3.5 this semester
2. get into shape
3. eat healthier and take vitamins
4. take more weekends to study
5. be nicer to my brother
6. save money



If I think of anymore I'll add them.

Clarity: A feeling.

I feel like my head is where it should be. I've finally sorted some things out. I feel a sense of clarity, where lately it has just been cloudy. I was expecting to feel the worst today, as it is Christmas and everyone is off with their loved ones, doing joyous things. Instead I feel happy, clear, and somewhat free of the burden my thoughts have been lately. I know I can't wish for too much, but I am hoping these feeling last through New Years, as not being a Christian, Christmas never really is too bad, just rather boring, whereas on New Years EVERYONE is with the person they love, bringing in the New Year with a simple kiss, if not more.

I know I shouldn't be thinking that far ahead though. As those nutty alcoholics say (it's a joke, relax), I need to take one day at a time.

For now, Merry Christmas.

For Later, Happy New Year.


Love- Sincerely,
The girl who loves wrapping presents.

Found.

I found my journal that goes from April of 2006 until May of 2007. I haven't read it yet, but I'm interested in how much progress, I've made in my life since then, and what problems I've resolved since then, and also, what problems have erupted since then.

The other night I was hanging out with my cousin and she had three or four, rather large boxes in her closet. When I had asked what they were she had told me they are memories from her life. So we decided to go through one of the boxes and in it was a bunch of old journals. We read a couple of them and it was so interesting to take a step back into the mind of a child. I feel kind of sad that I didn't hold on to old memories. I mean I have a letter box from when I was younger that holds a bunch of old letters and some cards, but other than that, nothing really. The letter box is actually really special to me.

When I was a little kid I had this nanny, Ruth. She was this big old woman, who had this huge boisterous voice. When I was little I was actually kind of scared of her; she could be harsh. I really did love her though, looking back. Well one day she brought me an old cigar box. Her and I sat down, and spent hours decorating it with construction paper, lace, gems, mini porcelain objects, and a bunch of other stuff. Ever since I've stashed my letters in it. Thinking about it makes me pretty sad, actually. Ruth passed away when I was 12 or 13. Whenever I see that box I think of her, though. She even wore this gold necklace around her neck that had to capitol letters, "B". It stood for 'Big Bitch'- no joke. We always laugh about that, to this day.

It's weird looking back...

Explosions In The Sky

This band is by far one of the most amazing bands I've ever heard. It's more than just music. It's emotion and feeling.


I don't know what to blog about. Today was a good day though. Woke up, went to Loren's. Shopped. Cooked. It kind of felt like summer- not the weather, but the feeling (yes, I just turned summer into a feeling). I bought a fuzzy, warm, bathrobe. I've been jealous of my suitemate's bathrobe the whole semester, so I finally got myself one like it. I also bought christmas lights for my apartment next year. I really love christmas lights. I can't help it. They're pretty.

I've also decided that Target is one of my favorite stores.


Wow, my life has become christmas lights and target shopping...

Wow.

So I found out people actually read my blog. Strange, I know. That picture was also taken at the Pistons game. I must say, I never really realized how close I am with my Dad. I mean, I've always considered myself super close with my Mom, I tell her everything. My Dad, however, not so much. Thinking about it though, my Dad and I are kind of like my roommate and myself. We have our best talks between the hours of 11 PM and 3 AM. Also, just like my roommate, whenever my Dad is on his computer, he is not to be bothered. There is no point trying to talk to him, because you won't respond. Within this past year and a half, I'd say, is when we got closer. Partially because thats when he started smoking again, so he'd wake up in the middle of the night to eat something and smoke a cigarette, and we'd just have an hour long talk about life.

Also, the couple weeks before I left for school, I was an emotional wreck. Every night for two weeks straight I'd cry myself to sleep. Well, when my Dad would wake up to have his midnight snack, he would notice how upset I was and he would just talk it all out with me. Sometimes I think, if it weren't for those talks, I wouldn't have ended up actually going to school. He really calmed me down.

Another awesome thing about my Dad is, he can't stay mad at me. We'll get into a fight, I'll go storming off into my room in tears, and five minutes later he'll come into my room and make a funny face or do a funny voice, and try to make me laugh. The longest I think I've ever fought with my Dad, and stayed mad at him was fifteen minutes. He's such a loving person, he just can't hold a grudge. Like the other day, for example, my Mom and him were fighting. He left, came home a little later and put a Tapper's Jewelry bag on her pillow. They started fighting again, and my mom looked over at her pillow and there her gift was. She obviously didn't stay mad long, because she wanted to open her jewelry. Not that he thinks jewelry will solve everything. He taught me so much about standing up for myself, and talking out issues, instead of running away from them. If it weren't for my parents, I'd be a coward.

I only hope I can find a guy as great as my Dad. As lame, and cliche as that sounds, he is the perfect guy. My parents act like they are still 19, and just met. Every single Valentine's Day, Sweetest Day, the occasional Birthday and Hanukkah, my dad buys both my Mom and I jewelry. We aren't rich, by any means, and he is constantly complaining about money, yet he will still go out of his way to do that one special thing for us on those special days, just to show he cares.

This year, on sweetest day, he tricked me into thinking all he got my mom was a card, and me a box of chocolate. Which would have been fine. He came in and handed me a box of chocolate and my mom her card. We both opened them, with somewhat disappointment, because it's almost like a tradition that we get jewelry. After we opened them, he came back upstairs with both of our real gifts in tow.

I know I have to live it up now, because most likely, I'm not going to find a guy who gets me nice things every fricking holiday, and I don't expect it. I feel bad, but I really don't wear ALL of my jewelry as often as I'd like. But my Dad does go out of his way to make me feel special, to show me that he truly cares, and that he loves me. He's the kind of guy, I could only hope for.


I guess that's my ode to my father.

That Cry.

I love my family, but sometimes they are not what I need. Sometimes what I need is just a good cry. I started to re-read The Five People You Meet In Heaven, by Mitch Albom, and I couldn't even get 30 pages in. I was just in need of a good cry.


Well, that picture is from the Piston's game. My dad surprised my brother and I with tickets to the game, 8th row :) It was a lot of fun. I met some of the guys he works with at T-Mobile, which was nice. Sometimes, occasionally, my brother can be cool. Like tonight for instance. He was a douche for a little while, but he obviously got over it, because he made me dinner and we actually ate together. It was kind of nice. I have a feeling that I shouldn't expect any more treatment like that for a long time though haha. It only comes in small doses.

I miss our friendship.

"Avalanche" by: Ryan Adams

I found your photograph in a cardboard box in a magazine
I can't remember you, remember us or anything
I taught you how to feel, but you just feel numb
They taught you how to feel, but you just feel numb

She comes apart in the avalanche
Fades out like a dance
Crawls back into bed
When it's over
When it's over
When it's over
And it's over

I watch the window and listen for the sound of cars
I can't remember the last time that it was yours
I taught you how to feel, why do you feel numb
They taught us how to feel, but we just feel numb

She falls apart in the avalanche
Fades out like a dance
Crawls back into bed
When it's over
When it's over
When it's over
When it's over

She falls apart in the avalanche
Fades out like a dance
Crawls back into bed
When it's over
And it's over
When it's over



This time of the year makes me miss life before college. I miss hoping for a snow day, or roughing out the roads in the good old West Bloomfield/Walled Lake. I miss acting like a child with my friends, having snow fights, and having no one to miss. That's it. I miss having no one to miss. Truth is- I'd give anything to take back a lot of things. It's really sad, looking back, what happened. Everyone made mistakes. It's unfortunate that those mistakes led us to where we are. At least to where I am. It's the holidays that make you realize, even when you're surrounded by as many people as there are in the world, you'll still feel completely alone. I still haven't come to terms with that yet. The worst part, you'd think that since you've been alone each year, it would just get easier, because you'd get used to it. The truth is, you never get used to it. If anything, it gets harder each year. Everything is a reminder of your seclusion, the music, the people around you, the presents, everything. From now on, maybe I should just hibernate during the holidays- that way, i'd sleep through that lonely feeling I get.

That song..describes the exact feelings I feel right now. You may not understand it..but it makes perfect sense.

The Airport.

I went and picked my brother up from the airport today. I've decided that airports are made for lonely people to feel even more lonely. Watching the people meet and greet their loved ones is almost saddening. Lame, I know.

Like I said, my brother is home. We are actually getting along, weird, I know. He treats me like a normal person- not really like a friend or anything, but just like a human being, hah.

I'm supposed to go to the piston's game tonight with mi padre and some other people who we haven't decided on yet. Problem is by the time we get there it's going to be so busy and crowded that it won't be fun. We'll for sure hit traffic- it won't be a good time.

If we don't go, I'll get to see my whole family, whom I miss very much. I'll get to see Hayden, my new, beautiful baby cousin I talk about all of the time.

I think I'm going to start video blogging. I don't know why, but all of the sudden I've realized I have a lot more to say when I speak, rather than when I type.

Well...

I'm home. Already, I'm bored. I feel like I always want to come home, but when I get here, I realize life goes back to being uneventful. It feels like a waste of time to just stay in and watch TV. I want to get out, and see my friends, but I also want to be back in EL, living that life. It's weird, because even though I don't have a best friend in EL, I know no one else has a one either, because it's still new. But here, I mean, I have Loren. But she has Jesse. I love Jesse, and I love Loren, but I still feel like somewhat of a third wheel, lame I know. Then I have Steph, and unlike Loren and Jesse, she doesn't try to make time for me, because of Adam. I don't really have 'single' friends here, which makes it hard.

I also feel like I put way too much emphasis on trying to find a significant other. I know I should focus on school. At the same time, I'm aware that a LOT of people meet their wives/husbands in College. So if I don't put any focus on it, and I only focus on school, sure I'll be successful- but I'll never meet someone. What's success if you can't share it with someone?

The holidays don't help. It's the season of love, where everyone gets with their SO and bring in the new year with a kiss. I've NEVER had someone to bring in the new year with like that. I know I need to get out and try and meet more people, but it's a lot harder than it seems...


And it leaves me here. Alone, bored, with no solution.

Finals...

are treacherous. I'm 3 down, and 1 to go, if you don't count the fact that I haven't turned in my final paper yet, even though it's done. I wrote that paper in, I would say the time span of a day. It kind of worries me, because my grade in that class is on the cusp of a 4.0 and 3.5. I have a 91.17- which is good- however, I don't want anything to bring it down- the participation grade in that class is why it's such a low A. I only have 62% participation in that class (I never really went because it was so easy). So I'm scared to turn the paper in because what if I'm missing something..I also know if I turn it in, it'll take a huge load off of my chest... what to do? Oh well I guess...


Another subject that's driving me crazy is math. I have a 3.0 in that class. For me, that's something to celebrate about... however, in order to keep the 3.0 I have to get a 70 on the final. Doesn't sound like it'd be too hard, does it? Think again. Math at MSU is hell. I've been studying for it for a couple hours now and I still keep making stupid mistakes. Now is when I wish Albert Einstein would posses me.


I really can't wait for all of this to be done. I went a little crazy this past week. Drinking Thursday through Sunday was not the brightest idea. Nor was continuing on Tuesday. My goal (which I will, whether I like it or not, achieve) is to not drink again until New Years). Going home will be so relaxing, too. I can finally catch up on reading and music that enjoy, rather those books I'm required to "read". I can also see all of my friends that I miss so dearly! Get some rest in, and laundry for that matter. In college, you don't learn how to be responsible... you learn how to re-wear clothes while avoiding stench and looking like a retard.

Really, now, I'm just putting off studying more for math... and walking back alone to my dorm. Good thing for mace ;)

My Best.

Stephanie, one of my tightest friends from back home, is coming to State this weekend! I'm super stoked. I really would just like it to be 8:30 already so she can be here and the fun can get started!! We're going over to my friend Brian's, so it should be a good time.

Last night was pretty fucked up. I went to 'fiesta thursday' and drank beer, tequila, and jager... not a good mix. I ended up going to taco bell too, which I don't even remember how that came about- but we went, got a quesadilla haha. My body is regretting all of last night haha. Lets chalk it up to "I'm a dumbass".

I can't wait for this semester to be over. It's so close to being done. Not to mention I only have one final during the actual finals week, and it's at 10 AM on Monday morning- I have to work monday night, but I'll be out of here by tuesday :)

Aghhh...I need motrin :(

Give Thanks

Happy Thanksgiving all!!! It's my favorite day of the year. I woke up to turkey smells. It's the best. The baby was born yesterday at 6:15 AM. He's beautiful. His name's Hayden Lane Telfer. 8 lbs., 20 inches long. Beautiful green eyes. I got to hold him. He's just precious. Today will be spent relaxing, maybe actually working on a paper, or two. Then getting ready for the family to arrive.




I'm thankful for my beautiful family today, and everyday.

"Franny and Zooey" by: JD Salinger

I love being home, yet I hate it. I get to see Loren and Jesse, that's the good part. There's the chance that I'll run into him, that's the bad part. Loren and I went to Meijers tonight really late. It reminded me of this past summer, when Meijer after work was a usual thing. The only thing I could think of being there tonight was what if you happened to be there. I wouldn't even be able to speak to you, let alone look at you twice. I'd just have to walk away. You still have my book. I want it back. I don't even want to see you, but I want my fucking book back. I swear I even saw you. Guilty. I was looking. I wanted to see you so bad so I could look away, so you would know how badly you fucked up. So you would know we really aren't ever going to be friends again. I want to hurt you. I want you to realize what you gave up. Mostly I just want my fucking book back. As soon as I get that fucking book back you will be behind me. I'll burn your letters, your address, delete you out of my phone, and delete you out of my life. Please, just let that book show up in my mailbox, or something. The best present I could get this year is that book. As soon as I have that book, I can put you behind me. There will be nothing holding me to you. Nothing to connect us. Thinking about thanksgiving, I'm so fucking thankful to learn what a coward you were. You were the biggest blessing in my life, because you taught me the biggest lesson I've learned. You taught me what a true friend isn't. You taught me how not to treat others. You taught me never to trust someone you love, unless they're your blood. I have a feeling if we cross paths again I'll have a burning passion within to punch you in the face, but I know what I need to do. I know that if we do cross paths I must turn the other way. Not even leaving you with a smile. It's time to forget. It's time to move on. Just please, I want that book. As soon as that book enters my life again, you'll be out of it...and I can't fucking wait.

yeah.

I miss this. I hope this past summer wasn't the end, because I can't give it up that easily.

Just needed to get that out.


My cousin, Dan, and his wife, Tasha, are having a baby!! She is a little less than a week late and she's in labor!!! I'm so excited. A thanksgiving baby :) I have to go sign the lease for my apartment for next year, and then I'm rushing home to wait to go see Hayden Lane Telfer! It's a boy! I don't even know how to explain my excitement!

I've changed so much this past year. I never liked kids, or babies. Now, I can't wait to hold him! How weird is it how you can change and not even notice it?


weird huh?

Over

"Over"

Holding on to a ghost, unable to release it
He's kicking and screaming, throwing things, running in circles, he's screaming
She's a wall, red brick, no texture, just a wall
A vase full of glass flowers, falling from a skyscraper
The glass scatters and shatters, making an unbearable crashing sound
Who's going to sweep up the pieces? (She will) Who's going to bury the glass? (She will)
Who's going to get the fuck over it? (She won't)
But she will...for it's now over
And the sad song of the glass ends
And she walks away from its new grave
(No turning back)
And she walks away from its new grave
The wind continues to blow, full force

Birth <---> Death

Last night, before I went to bed, I was talking to my mother on the phone. My cousin, Tasha, is having a baby. She's due any day now, and we were talking about if I'm going to be able to get work off or not. We decided that if I asked today at work about it, they'll probably let me go home if she happens to go into labor this weekend, so I wouldn't have to work my sunday shift. Well, a couple hours after our phone conversation I went to sleep. The phone conversation must have been in my sub conscious because I dreamt that I had to skip work, however, not for a baby, but rather for a death. Not only was it one death, but two deaths. The first was my step-aunt, Sheryl. I rarely ever see her, and we aren't close by any means. The other death was less clear. I know it was a grandparent of some sort, and I know it was on my mom's side, but I just don't know if it was my grandma (who is still living, and whom I really don't think it was) or if it was my grandpa (who is already dead, so it wouldn't make much sense). The whole thing kind of scared me. Now I'm kind of on edge every time my phone rings...



On a completely unrelated note, I can't wait to go home for Thanksgiving! I know I've been blogging about this a lot, but it is honestly my favorite holiday. Super stoked.

You know what I haven't written in a while...poetry. I miss it.

"Friday Shift"

Vinyl on metal
chipped paint everywhere
Constant vibrations of treadmills
Running, running
Lifting (too much) lifting
House of power


That is dedicated to this gym job I do every friday, that keeps me writing.

hmm.

Calling people and asking for money is like being in a dead end relationship. It's great for a while when you first start getting pledges. Then you get more and more upset when people say no. And then, after a while, you just don't give a fuck anymore. And you put more focus on your word searches than your calls.


Hah.

Fuck telemarketing.

With that said, Thanksgiving is almost here! My favorite holiday. It's the one holiday where my whole family gets together, and for once, instead of being the loud, crazy, insane, annoying jewish family that we are, we relax and look at what we really have. A loving group of people that can sit and talk and eat pumpkin pie, knowing that most of these people are always there for us when we need them. I love it. Waking up that morning and going downstairs to see how pretty the dining room table is, gives me an amazing feeling. Then I flick on the parade and wait for my Aunt Ciel to get to my house. Then her, my mom, and I make the turkey and stuffing together. Take a late afternoon nap, then wake up around 6 to get ready for the family.

It's going to be an amazing break from school. I love it here on campus. But the lifestyle gets so repetitive. I need a change of scenery every once in a while :)

P.S.

In addition to the 'Fucker' post. I found out shortly after he told me we couldn't be friends anymore, that he married his alcoholic girlfriend. I'm talking about two 26 year-olds, who both live with their parents. One of them works as a waiter while the other sits on her ass drinking with money from the other. Yeah, I got a little drunk and texted him. I told him we aren't friends anymore, have a good fucking life. His reply? 'Okie dokie, thanks you too," with another text saying, "If it makes you feel any better, no one came to the ceremony, it was at the court house...". It took me a while to realize what he meant by that. Then I was just sitting there, and it hit me. He married her. It makes so much more sense as to why he wanted to end the friendship. I just can't believe he wouldn't tell me. How long ago was it? When did it happen? It honestly, really does hurt. We were really good friends. All that bullshit he told my mom, how I'm one of his close friends, and one that he wouldn't want to lose. How I'm such a great person..all bullshit? It just leaves so many unanswered questions. It's saddening... having your heart broken, by the first person you ever loved.



I don't think I could handle seeing him. I think i'd want to kill him.

Fucker.

Tonight was interesting. It was a good night until about midnight-12:30ish. I was the one who was pretty adamant about waiting for him to talk to me. But low and behold I called him...to find out that he doesn't want to be my friend because I put too much "pressure" on him. Night ended in tears, then it started again with rice kitchen and sixteen candles. My roommate really cheered me up. I'm still feeling a bit down though. Tomorrow is declared mental health day for Danielle. Only going to one of my classes and the rest of the day will be spent sleeping and relaxing and forgetting he ever existed. Now the song I'm listening to is making me depressed again. Poop.

Halloween is coming up...

and people are going psycho.


I guess there have been all these attacks in the East Lansing area by some guy in a 'scream' mask. Really creepy if you ask me. We decided that mace wouldn't do anything cause he's wearing a mask. Same with hairspray. I think the solution to the problem is a can of hairspray and a lighter. Make a good old flame thrower. Only problem is how do you get this all done while being attacked my a masked lunatic? Hah.

I really love Halloween though. The perfect opportunity to be someone else for a change, without being prosecuted (not that most people really aspire to be in real life what they are on halloween, or else a lot of girls would want to be sluts).

Work for the first time tonight.

A bit nervous- but it's a halloween themed shift, so it should be an okay time...

A funny thing.

What's funny is, this is post number 27, yet still no one knows about this blog. Maybe, maybe 2 of my friends know about it. Probably only one of the two actually read it from time to time. It's a pointless thing, yet I feel so great when I write. I can ramble, get angry, be selfish, and no one cares. It's rather amazing, if you ask me. ICouldTypeLikeThis, but because no one reads it, it won't bother anyone :)

I'm back at school now. This morning I was telling my dermatologist how "I have nothing to stress out about, it must be something else," but the second I get to school, I feel stressed. Interesting, right.

I made it just in time to be able to take my reading quiz in WRA today. My prof used my paper as an example of a good paper. It made me feel good, until I got the paper back. I only got a 3.7, .1 better than my last paper. If she's gonna use it as an example she should have at least gave me a 3.8.

I can't believe this infection is going around all of the high schools. You know that means, soon enough, it will be spreading through universities. We just cleaned our bathroom so we aren't the one's who spread it, hah.

I've decided, blogging is good for the soul.

:-)

Candy

This movie, is by far the most disturbing thing I've seen in a long time. It's about two junkies who get married, they are constantly using, stealing, etc. She gets pregnant, but they still use, and she ends up miscarrying. They deliver the fetus and well I'll just leave it at that- FYI it was the most disturbing scene of a movie. It made me feel sick to my stomach.

In other news. Back to school tomorrow :-/ I love being home, I love school, I hate change, but I know, it will benefit me in the end.

Out of sight, out of mind.

I guess that phrase rings true. It's so sad how it was 'meant to be', until I left. Now it's meant to be a piece of shit.


I thought you'd pull through for me. I thought you'd prove me wrong, and make me take back my goodbye letter. Instead you were one big fucking disappointment.

I really hate change. I don't think I can handle all of this. It's time to put that little bar behind me. It's time to put those people, who were my friends, who I worked with, all behind me. Forced change. It's the worst.


I hate you because you disappoint me...because you don't want me.

Why in the hell do I still want you then?

One of these things first.

Vegas was really fun. I can't believe it's almost been a year since that trip.

Anyways, home for the weekend. Nothing changes here. School is so dynamic, home is so static. My mom tried to ground me for getting in a tickle fight with her..it was really funny.

Tomorrow is Sweetest Day.

A friendship might die this weekend. It's really sad. Out of sight, out of mind is true, I guess.

Off to get some reading done.

It's a beautiful day for football!

Not really. Just felt like being cheesy.

I love the football games though...usually.

Even if our defense has checked out for the season, and Hoyer keeps choking- I still love MSU Football.

I love photography too. Editing to be exact.

Rainy days...

I just happen to be extremely tired.


I also have a new solution to my "problem". You know, the one where I fall for guys who seem completely straight and then they turn out to be gay.

Here's the solution: From now on I'm going to automatically assume every guy I meet is gay. That way, I'll focus more on making platonic relationships with them, and if I happen to find out they aren't gay- well, I'll be pleasantly surprised.


Sound good? Yes.

I think this weather makes me tired. Along with this class. ISS. Lame.

It has definitely been one of 'those' days.

That, that is my study space. My study space is not sufficing. Maybe if I knew how to relax, life would be easier. Too much shit going on to worry about how to relax. How do you relax when...

- You have a job interview, a paper to get done, math to understand, a quiz to study for, reading to get done, have living "situations", are dead broke, only fall for gay boys, and you can't eat because your stomach has gotten so weak from dorm food?

If you have an answer that applies to all the above...please share. Or just lend me your gun. I'll do the honors.



Needless to say, Midterm week is kicking my ass- along with everything else. I need to learn to fight- metaphorically of course.

"Why do we do what we do?"- Chuck Palahniuk

It's Friday. A beautifully ugly Friday. It's cold and dark outside. I don't care. It's still Friday. Tonight, is going to be amazing. My welcome home, if you will. This weekend, for that matter, will be amazing. I have to go to a conference with my WRA Prof. I don't care, though. It's Friday. I have to go to math- it's still Friday.

I love Chuck Palahniuk's style of writing. It's disgusting, yet amazing. It captures and consumes its reader in the best way possible. Just finished reading "Lullaby", loved it. Reading "Diary" now, so far, so good. I think "Invisible Monsters" and "Survivor" will always be my favorites, but we'll see what comes of "Diary" "Choke" and "Haunted".


I also love The Album Leaf. this kind of music not only is beautiful to listen to, but it makes you feel. It generates emotions. That's the best kind of music there is, in my opinion. I think The Album Leaf has even surpassed Explosions In The Sky, for me. I still their music though. Four Tet is still new for me, so we'll see what comes of that I guess.

Four more minutes.

It's all good.

MSU in the fall- is gorgeous. It's cold, though.


Today was by far an amazing day.

Woke up, off to Theater 101.
Got my scene partner today- lets just say- I made out like a bandit, hah.
The scene we're doing is an open scene- so it's pretty much up to our interpretation.
We decided that our scene is about two Exes who are planning to get back together,
however, he is still with another girl, so I basically tell him to come see me once he's
broken it off. So he comes to see me and we have dialogue, and he tried to break it off
with her but failed, so he's begging me to just get with him already, but I tell him- Come back
tomorrow.

I'm really excited for it! More so for rehearsing it haha.

I finally gave in to my cravings, and ordered insomnia cookies- pretty good- not AMAZING though.

Took a three hour nap today, so I'm doubting that I'll be able to sleep tonight.

Open letter to the you that won't read this letter.

Dear person,
I'm sorry, but I really don't know what I'm trying to say. I'm pretty sure it's something along the lines of, I miss you, stop being a douche bag, and make time to see me. I don't know what about that sentence makes you think of me as a castrating bitch, but I just don't see it. Comparing me to Lorena Bobbitt, because I'm done being the only person trying to make our friendship work, was cruel. I'm pretty sure I'm no Lorena Bobbitt. The truth of the matter is our relationship has shifted 180 degrees and I feel like I'm falling from the sky when it comes to me and you. We were so close before, maybe too close given the circumstances. You weren't just like a brother to me, you were honestly one of my best friends. I love you. I really do. I probably always will. Every time I see you, my heart will probably race...but I can't do this anymore. I'm sick of holding myself back. I'm sick of waiting for you to be having a hard time, then coming my way. I need consistency. If you're going to be part of my life, then do it, if not, then I don't know why I still try. I'm sick of your one letter, to my three letters. I'm sick of your letters telling me "I don't need anyone." "I'll be fine on my own." Maybe that worked for you, because you had something else that kept you going. I'm not judging you, but I am telling you- I want you in my life, I might even need you in my life. But if you don't make the effort to be in it, then you obviously don't deserve my desire to have you in my life.
I've watched you try and save her this whole time. I never understood why you were trying to save her, when if she wanted to change, she would have done it already. She isn't going to change for you, she's going to change for herself, if she ever changes, that is. This made me realize, when you love someone, your childhood naivety comes back into play. I love you, and I now realize that I've been trying to save you this whole time. I've been doing to you what you've been doing to her. Looking at it now, as I'm about to change myself, I know that I can't change you. I can't make you see what you are doing is wrong, because you do love her. I can't make you see what you need is right in front of you, because you are too busy feeding off of the love between you and her. I guess, maybe, this only makes sense in my head. I'm okay with that.
It's time for closure. This is no love letter. It's a goodbye letter. Goodbye to you. Goodbye to my old self. It's time to start over new. It's time to make a change and stop living in a fantasy world. It's time for the world to become a colder place. I'll always love you, but I am done. Thank you for everything- you shaped who I was. It's time for me to take over, and shape who I am.
Sincerely,
Danielle

Apartment shopping.

So, I've filled out, and payed the application to live in Campus Village apartments next year. It couldn't have worked out better. I'll be living with Calla and Kim, maybe even Danielle if she calls me back.

I feel so old when I start dealing with these kinds of things, but at the same time I feel really young. Like I know I should feel old but I always thought it would feel different, maybe. I don't know.


Anyways, I walked for an hour and 10 minutes consecutively today :) Getting some good exercise. I love stepping on crunchy things. Leaves, acorns, acorn shells. Anything along those lines. It gives me a fulfilling feeling haha. Fall is perfect for this type of hobby, with all of the leaves falling. The breeze is really nice as well. I feel like this weather forces me to think though. It's so nice, but at the same time I can't clear my mind. I keep playing over and over in my head my relationships and friendships, and all the shit that goes along with them. It gets frustrating not being able to deal with it all like I'd like to. I think I'm in need of another trip to the Red Cedar. When I'm taking pictures I have to focus on something, which takes my mind off of everything else going on. There was this couple, sitting on the edge of the Red Cedar, holding hands and cuddling. I really wanted to get a good picture of it but it would be awkward if I just photographed them, and I didn't want to be the tool to ask if I could take a picture of them. I went over on the other side of the river thinking I could get the shot from there without making it obvious, but they were gone by the time I was over there :-/

Perhaps I'll go photograph sometime this week.

Back to the dorms.

The weekend was..disappointing. Friday night was great. Saw Ash Thomas- haven't seen her in a while. Had an amazing conversation with Loren Fenn. Probably the best part of the weekend, by far. Saturday went to a party-type-thing with a bunch of people from high school. It showed me how ready I really was for College. Sunday I learned how disappointing friends can be. I also learned to stop giving someone as many chances as I have. The ball is now in his court. He can do with it as he pleases, but I'm done forcing plans. If he wants to see me, he can contact me.

Back in the box of a dorm. It sucks when the weather is a record high of 90 degrees. Lets hope I can get some sleep.



P.S. I love that duck.

Hmm?

Do guys suck at life intentionally? I know I don't really mean all guys. For the most part, though, the ones I've been talking to, or hanging out with lately, have had a major suckage factor.

Example A.
My best guy friend. Barely ever get to see him, due to the fact that I'm at school and he's at home. Whenever I come home to visit, we make plans. He ALWAYS breaks them. The only successful time was the first weekend I came home. Seriously, what the fuck? We were such close friends before I left, we write each other when I'm at school, but for some reason, he can't make time for me every couple weeks I am home.

Example B.
A guy I was somewhat seeing...I guess. He took me to the movies. He picked me up. Payed for the movie. Kiss goodnight. I had lunch with a friend of mine and told her about it. She randomly and coincidentally meets him. Exchanges a few words. Finds out his name, and goes "Oh my friend went on a date with a guy named ---- last night." He goes- "Oh well I'm not really dating anyone." She goes- "Oh well her names Danielle and-" He goes-"Oh, yeah, Danielle, uh, we hang out..."
Honestly, going on a date, isn't marriage, it's not even commitment. Not to mention we've gone on a couple dates, and "hang out" quite often.


There's another example but I really don't feel like going into that one.


Situationally, boys suck.

Fridays.

Finally, it's Friday again. One of the most frustrating days for me here. For one, I have one class today, and it's at 3 PM. I never want to go to this class because it cuts into my day, and it's math. I hate math. With a passion. Then, in addition to math class, I have to go get my car. Walking from Holden to Mount Hope and Farm Lane is a pain in the ass. Plus, I can't just leave from Commuter lot. I have to drive my car to Holden and pack all my shit up, because I'm definitely not walking to Commuter with all of my stuff. 45 minute drive home. 'Nuff Said.

Tomorrow will be a better day :)

ISS 210

This class is going to kill me. I'm dead tired. What I really want to do right now is take a nap. Not sit in a 2 hour lecture that I won't comprehend. I feel like what she talks about has no relevance to anything else. It almost seems as if she started the class in the middle of the semester... :-/

There are so many people in this class. 200 I'd say. I love people watching. Quantity-wise, it's a great place to people watch. Quality-wise, not so much. Everyone does the same thing. They sit on their fancy laptops, talking to their friends on AIM, surfing facebook, or playing solitaire. Some people talk to the people around them, most just keep to themselves. I'm fortunate enough to sit in the back of the room, elevated. I can see every game of solitaire, every ESPN sports stat. It's great. The prof has a preconceived-notion that the kids in the back, me included, don't pay attention. Truth is, no one pays attention.

Some chick just tripped over her backpack.

No one knows what's going on.


This is great.

Something like insomnia

Every night, I sit at my computer, tired as can be. When I finally get my lazy ass up, climb the latter, and am in my lofted bed, I can't sleep. I just lay there with my eyes wide open. I don't even think about shit. I just blankly lay. I finally made a dent in "Lullaby" by Chuck Palahniuk. He is by far one of my favorite authors. I can't even put into words what entices me to continue reading in his books. I only hope to one day write something as interesting as his material.

An hour and a half until the train goes by.

Beautiful.

I sat down by the Red Cedar today. It runs right through campus, and I must say, it's quite lovely. I was photographing the ducks and all other sorts of random stuff, when I looked over and there was this amazing bird. So I got some shots of it :)


Today was a good day.

Relaxing.

Refreshing.

Just beautiful.

11:34 PM

Why did the chicken cross the road?

High traffic area.

My ISS class is somewhat of a joke at this moment in time.

I really like my prof, but sitting in a room for 2 hours learning how to do research for a paper (something I've been doing for quite some time now) is not my idea of an enlightening learning experience. Who doesn't know how to use google in this day and age?

I really can't believe she's giving out points for the people leading us in our google searches. Hah.

The girl sitting in front of me to the right, she's playing solitaire. The girl sitting in front of me to my left, she's on facebook. Another chick is playing with her cell phone. Some dude is asleep in the back row.

The people who are paying attention, well who cares about them?

I just hope that chick wins her game of solitaire, since Mac is incapable of putting solitaire on their iBook G4s.


New topic:

Isn't it so awkward when you're walking down the street and catch the gaze of someone else. It would all be fine if you both didn't hold the gaze too long. Yet you always do. Hold the gaze too long, I mean. And then you start thinking, if only. I do, at least.

New topic X2:

Carrie, from Sex and the City, once said, "We were having one of those great first dates you can only have when it's not an actual date."

I know what she means. I was watching that ridiculous show with my roommate (who loves S&theC), and I realized, I actually know that feeling! It's when it could never be a date, and you aren't quite sure if you'd want it to be, but it's perfect.


New topic X3:

I have no clue what my prof is speaking about.

Imogen Heap.

Where are we?
What the hell is going on?
The dust has only just began to form crop circles in the carpet, Sinking... Feeling...
Spin me 'round again and rub my eyes;
This can't be happening.
When busy streets a mess with people
Would stop to hold their heads heavy

-Hide and Seek By: Imogen Heap

Rainy Days

So, today I walked back from class in the rain. The whole time I saw a bunch of people with their umbrellas and speeding down the sidewalks on bikes. I decided to walk slower than usual. It was actually a really enjoyable time. Rain doesn't hurt, but I did feel like it cleared my mind. Not in the sense that it solved any of my problems, not that I have many, but more so that it took my mind off of everything, and I could just focus on the raindrops slowly hitting my body. It was a great feeling.


Why is it that the international center is such an awkward place to eat? Maybe it's because the tables are so close to one another. Or perhaps it's the random Philippine guy that was giving me the stare down while I was trying to enjoy my club bagel in peace.

I don't know why this is either, but I think when you eat in a public place, you feel more self conscious- like you're being judged by what, how, and where you eat. It's really awkward.

Did you know...

...that Barnes & Noble Booksellers will publish your work for only $299. They'll put it on the web (www.bn.com) with a custom cover, for $499. They'll even put the book in the store for 60 day for the price of $1099.

For someone who just has some random cash lying around, or even for someone who starts saving, little by little, this is a pretty cool idea.

The only problem I have is what I write about- wouldn't be interesting to others. Hah.

ADD in a post.

Campus has that perfect fall feeling right now. Just chilly enough to wear a zip up or a hoodie. My dorm room window has a tree right in front of it. The leaves on it are starting to change colors and it lights the room in a home-like way. However, it's somewhat of a catch 22. Yeah fall is beautiful- but with it comes seasonal depression (yes, I just made that term up).

Anyways.


I was bored and decided to look up my ADD medicine online. Apparently, it causes suicidal thoughts among teens and children. Well, I don't have suicidal thoughts, but it's scary knowing that my meds could cause them.
It also causes severe liver injury. I've been on it for over a year, and nothing has happened yet, but why didn't I know about this stuff before? It's just kind of weird.


I've decided I can't live in the same room with someone. I really hate it. Not to mention my roommate's a pathological liar. I can't even count how many times I've caught her in a lie. It's ridiculous.




I can't help but feel...I'm not cut out for this.

I saw this on someone else's blog...

and thought that it was a good way to relate my music to my life, as well as giving me something to write about.


So I put my iTunes on random and the first song that came up that I felt I had a good connection to (and that had lyrics) I decided to post about.


Not Enough by: Our Lady Of Peace


Lyrics:

There's nothing you can say
Nothing you can do
There's nothing in between
You know the truth

Nothing left to face
There's nothing left to lose
Nothing takes your place...

When they say you're not that strong
You're not that weak
It's not your fault
And when you climb
Up to your hill
Up to your place
I hope you're well

There's nothing left to prove
There's nothing I wont do
There's nothing like the pain
I feel for you
Nothing left to hide
Nothing left to fear
I am always here...

When they say you're not that strong
You're not that weak
It's not your fault
And when you climb
Up to your hill
Up to your place
I hope you're well

What you want
What you lost
What you had
What is gone is over
What you got
What you love
What you need
What you have is real
It's not enough,
It's not enough,
It's not enough,
It's not enough
I'm sorry,
It's not enough,
It's not enough,
It's not enough,
It's not enough

When they say you're not that strong
You're not that weak
It's not your fault
And when you climb
Up to your hill
Up to your place
I hope you're well

It's not enough
No, it's not enough
It's not enough




Connection to my life:

I first was introduced to OLP by my longtime, now ex best friend, and our mutual friend. It was the summer before my junior year. I remember driving around, listening to the song alone. I was in a really bad place. I didn't know who I was, and I truly felt like I wasn't enough. The windows would be down, the air blowing on my face, and it all felt so nostalgic. Thinking about the lyrics now is kind of creepy. The way our friendship was before it ended is exactly as the lyrics. I felt and lived her pain for her, because I didn't know how to live my own life. I'm glad I'm in somewhat of a better place now, but that song will always feel like a high school summer to me.

Things to do before death (In no particular order)

- Sing at a karaoke bar
-Disc jockey on the radio
-Confess my love to someone
-Genuinely befriend someone I dislike
-Get over past issues
-Jump out of a plane
-Travel to other countries (Canada/Mexico not included)
-Waitress
-Spend the night under the stars
-Go to a drive-in movie
-Run a mile (no stopping)
-Learn to play a song on the guitar
-Introduce myself to a stranger
-Buy a car
-Save a thousand dollars
-Take a road-trip
-Sleep on a beach
-Have sex in an awkward place (elevator, plane, etc.)
-Try a red-headed slut (drink)
-Bar-tend
-Write a song
-Write a novel
-Read all of Chuck Palahniuk's books
- 4 point a college semester
-Have something published
-Open mic night comedy
-Join an improv troupe
-Master Guitar Hero
-Build something of significance
-Get my tattoo
-Paint
-Photograph something beautiful
-Hold my breath for 3 minutes under water
-Jump in a pile of leaves
-Jump off a bridge into a lake
-Stand on top of a mountain and scream as loud as I can for as long as I can





Will add more later

Wow.

So my last post was really bad.


I guess that's what homesickness does, huh?

It will get better. Hopefully I really will get a job. Plus, I don't have to wake up until really late tomorrow (class isn't until three).

Oh, and also, Mirah is really great music. I like it at least. It is chick folk, though.

You should give it a listen- Advisory Committee is my favorite album thus far.

I think I just need to realize that life isn't always fun, or easy. You have to work for your fortunes, and learn from your misfortunes.

I, personally, need to stop acting sorry for myself. I don't really feel sorry for myself, I think I'm just acting like it...

Lame, I know.


I'm done with that. From now on, this is going to be random and fun, no more depressing shit.

K? K,

Something to write about.

Have you ever been in one of those moods. The mood that makes you feel totally inadequate?

I was crossing the street tonight. It was dark outside and I was wearing a black sweatshirt. A pickup truck was coming up pretty fast to my right. It was one of those moments where they had just come from a stop sign so they were accelerating. The girls with me sped up to cross to insure their safety. I walked the same speed the whole way. At that one moment I would have been fine with that truck hitting me.

I was thinking about it while I was walking around campus, yesterday. If I were to get hit by a car, or a bus, I wouldn't want to die, but I most definitely wouldn't want to be fine. It's one of those things that would change your whole life...or what's the point. I know that sounds completely morbid.

I can assure you I don't want to die. I don't want to get hit by a bus or a car either. For some reason, though, these thoughts crossed my path.


It's just been one of those days, I guess.

I feel as if I haven't met enough people. Like my friendships should already be established, a month in. I hate that. Starter friends. It kinda sucks a lot. Heh- what great writing rhetoric I have, right?

I'm so used to staying out until three in the morning having all sorts of sober fun. Not here, though. If it were a Friday night back home, I would be sitting in a movie theatre, watching the previews. Around here everyone is out with their "other" friends, or sleeping, or who fucking knows. This is the time I feel most alone. It helps that I, obviously, am alone. I'm sitting in an empty room, listening to chick folk (Mirah).

So what to do? Get a job? Tried. Join a club? Tried that too.

For now, I guess, I'll just have to stick it out.


TGIF tomorrow.









Oh yeah, no one reads this... :(