Dream Boy

Ex-Boy and I are done.

Dream Boy- he is amazing.  This is the boy I hung out with that I mentioned in my last post.

He has every trait I want in a guy that I would be with forever.  He's absolutely perfect for me.  I haven't been as happy as I am today in a really long time.

I don't only have butterflies in my stomach from this boy but rather dinosaurs.  I now know what first-kiss-fireworks feel like.  And I love it.

What has been going down.

Let me just tell you that way too many things have happened for me to account for them all.

I'll start by saying , Ex-Boy is no longer an ex...  I don't even know what we should call him anymore because I never saw this coming.

After a little scare we had (yes, we had a total 'Knocked Up' moment, but we took all the precautions necessary after), we talked about EVERYTHING for about two hours.  He then asked me to be his girlfriend... again.

It would sound like a fairy tale ending for EB, except for the fact that literally the next night I met the man of my DREAMS and he actually was interested in me.

Don't worry I didn't do anything skiezy like Ex-Boy did, but I did hang out with him.  I mean, if Ex-Boy can chill with his ex (the one he cheated on me with) than I can hang out with another boy.

Really I don't know what to think about the whole situation and I'm starting to think I made the wrong decision by saying yes to him.

And so it Happens Again

That's right.  Ex-Boy did it again.

For two weeks I was so twitterpated with him.  Everything was going perfect.  He'd text me every morning and we'd hang out every other night.  He would say the cutest things to me (at least for him it was cute).  I brought him around my friends he didn't know and he got along with them well.

It was great...until he started to distance himself.

The night of my birthday I was really sad.  I just needed to  be held, so even though he forgot my birthday and I really was not happy with him, I went over to his place and we cuddled.

The next morning however, he was back to his old self.  We just cuddled silently and then I left.  It wasn't how it had been the past two weeks where it was fun and cute and flirty- it was sullen and quiet.

He didn't respond to any of my messages for a couple days.  When he finally did text me back they were one word answers.

I haven't seen him since Thursday or Friday when I just showed up at his place and dropped the helmet off.

He texted me today because my name was in the newspaper but it was nothing of substance.

As I predicted- he didn't just hurt me this time, he broke me.

I haven't been the same for the past week, I just mope around.  I can't get it off my mind and at any given moment there are tears welled up in my eyes, just waiting for the right moment to pour out.

I fell for his shit again because I didn't want to (and don't want to) learn from this- I'd rather live in the vicious cycle of it all where I don't have to admit to being alone.

Truth is...

I'm destined to be alone.

the real B-Day post.

Last night I did NOT sleep well.  That whole milk and cookies before you go to bed isn't always a good idea.

So today is my B-day and I angrily mentioned before.  It had a bad beginning but I decided to make the best of the rest of it.

Last night before my freak out was great!  I spent the last hours of my old age bumming around with K-Girl.

We then brought in my birthday with Grey's Anatomy, awesome cookies, milk, and cigarettes- all of my vices.

We also did the obligatory boy talk which, with this whole ex-boy thing, is always needed.

He's been so sweet lately, yet today, my special day, he has yet to even say hi.  Unlike when we were dating and he ignored Valentines day and I let it slide, this time he isn't getting off so easy.  If he really doesn't care to wish me a happy birthday, I am going to flip out on him, and lay ALL of his shit out there.

I'm done walking on egg shells with this one, trying not to mess anything up in hopes of it working out.  Sometimes, people need to be told when they are being complete assholes.

And of course I could be completely over reacting since he does still have 10 and a half hours to redeem himself- but we will see if he does.

It's strange being another year older.

Bothersome a little.  I'm not going to lie, this morning when I sat and literally just BAWLED about my car breaking down today and how I wasn't going to make it to my hair appointment, there was more that I was crying about.

Sometimes growing up is really difficult.  What really comes to mind is the fact that my family is moving.  It's like all of the sudden I'm a year older, I'm losing my home so my parents can go yup it up in LA, and it's scary!

Another thing more about the birthday thing is that my B-days are never that exciting.  I never have a completely special fantastic day, and the reason I freaked so much this morning (if only you could have seen it, it was ridiculous) was because to me going out and getting my hair done was the only thing that I could control and make special for myself.  I don't know that having dinner with Mom will be so enjoyable, or that film club will be fun tonight, or if my friends will want to celebrate with me after, but I do know that I can go and pamper myself and make it a good day- and when my car broke, it ruined it!  Well its working okay (for now) so I'm going to go have a good day!

W00hoo!

No Good Very Bad B-Day

It is my Birthday.  And my car decided to die.

Seriously- this is just my luck.  Great start to the day, huh?  So EB gets in her car after bringing in the first B-Day hour with K-girl watching grey's, and drives home.  Then, it dies.  In the parking lot.

I wish I could sleep through the rest of the day and forget about the fact that me and my car are getting old and on our way to death.

Epiphany...finally!!!!

Okay it may just be that I've been awake way too long, considering it is nearly 7 AM and I've yet to get to bed (curse you awful job), or it could be an actual epiphany.  I'm thinking it's the latter, if not the awesome playlist I have going that's helping me stay awake mixed with Redbull.  I digress.

I think I like, maybe even love the place I am at with Ex-Boy right now.  Please don't think I'm saying I love him, because that would be pushing it WAYYY too far.  No. I love the place I'm at with him.

It's like playing house without any titles attached is it's own silent title.  Almost as if not having that BF/GF label makes us our own thing.

I'm not about to stop flirting with whatever comes along, but I'm pretty sure I won't be hooking up with anyone else.  And by the way he's acting, I think the same goes for him.

For example:  This may get a little risque, and I'll allow it, only because of my lack of sleep.  He was in the process of removing my bra, which he happened to be sucking at.  I said to him, "Wow!  Someone has lost their game," in a joking tone of course, and he responds with, "I'm sorry, but the last person who's bra I removed was yours, the other night, and back in September!"

He didn't have to say that- but it's like he's been trying to make this point that I'm the only one he's been with.  I'm sure he's doing this because of the cheating incident, but either way.

I feel like we are on the same page.

My good friend, lets call her Irene, made a GREAT point the other day when we last chatted about the situation, before it got as juicy as it is (another post to come about that).

She pointed out that I will be gone for the whole summer.  I will not only be across both sides of the country at times, but even across the Atlantic, for quite a while.  Ex-boy couldn't even be faithful to me when I was right in front of him, let alone in Europe.

It would be reckless of me to try to be in a real relationship with him now, knowing that I'm leaving in something short of two months.

Yet, I like what we have, and our new little dynamic that has popped up with his alleged change.

So I've decided.  I'm going to keep things exactly as they are.  If he decides a little ways or a long ways down the road that he wants to revert to his old ways, and ditch me again, that's fine, I'll be gone all summer.  If not, then you know what?  He'll just have to wait for the real deal for when I get back.

For once I feel good about this.  I feel like this is me going with my gut and not based on what my heart wishes the happy ending would be or what my skeptical friends all think.

It's that perfect mix of my head and my heart and my stomach working together, feeding me the next step to take.

In this case, there is no step.  I'll stay planted, and enjoy the new found balance.

I'm a trouble maker.

So here is what I am doing.

I am going to take it slow.  And for as long as I can try to suppress the crazy in me that is always wondering if he's going to do it again.

On that note.

I'm twitterpated and it's bad.  If you didn't know, twitterpated is a term from Bambi and it means being simply in deep puppy love.

Ex-Boy started talking about my birthday last night (which is in a week!).  He asked what I wanted, etc. etc.

Ohhhh boy.

A Letter to Ex-Boy

If I could write Ex-Boy a letter, this is what it would be:

Dear Ex-Boy,

We have been at this for a year and a half.  This on and off regime that we seem to be stuck in, like a never ending game of monopoly.  But I am scared.  We would always get together and then it would be as if we didn't even know each other for a couple of months, and alas we would get back together again.

You seemed different the other day.  As if nothing that happened before ever took place, as if you met me for the first time and you just wanted to be with me.  Two days have passed and I find myself in a fearful mindset.

You've messed with my heart so many times before, that even though you seem so sincere this time, I can't help but find myself wondering, is he doing the same thing to me again.

How blind does one have to be to go back to someone that many times.  And even if you have changed, I'm not sure that I can go through each day and moment that we aren't with one another wondering if you are going to change your mind and decide that you're done with me again.

The last couple of times you really did hurt me.  You hurt my feelings, but I'm scared that if I continue with optimism, thinking that you've really changed, and then you change your mind again, it will truly break my heart.

You may have just hurt me before, but I fear that if it happens again, you won't only hurt me, but you will break me.  My being, my spirit, and my heart.

It's only 2:43 PM and I haven't spoken to you yet today.  A normal person shouldn't be afraid that their other doesn't want them anymore just because they haven't had a moment to check in.

It's like the boy who cried wolf, every time we have been together and then the next day you say, just kidding, I just wanted the physical part and then left.  But the one time that it does matter, if it is even that time, I'm not sure that I can have or put enough faith into it to know that you haven't just been busy.

My mind only goes to the thought of you thinking to yourself, "what was I doing, I don't want to be with her again, better stop talking to her."

I don't know what to do.  I fear that either way I will end up hurt.

These feelings have never had a chance to go away.  You've kept me on your fishing hook, even though you haven't had the nerve to reel me in.

Just thought I'd put my fears out there, just in case you wanted to clear that up.

For now, but not always,

EB

The 8 Words That Made my Heart Beat Faster

8 words.  One sentence, or question, rather.  "Does this mean we can watch movies now?"

Ex-Boy asked me this question this morning.  This probably makes no sense to you.  How and why could these 8 words make my heart beat faster?

Lets rewind.

Ex-Boy and I have been talking a lot lately.  It started before my London trip.  We had the first somewhat pseudo-intelligent conversation that we've ever had.  I didn't think too much of it, except for the fact that he asked me to pick him up a certain kind of scarf there in which he'd pay me for.

I get  back and we continue to talk from time to time.  Sometimes I would instant message him, yet a lot of the times he'd instant message me.

One night his roommate who happens to be a friend of mine came to my apartment and we watched Run Lola Run- a great german film.  EB's Roommate went home and told Ex-Boy about it, in which EB started to talk to me more and more about movies.

I liked it, because it was, in his weird and twisted way, him opening up to me.

He started recommending films to me, which I would try to download.  He also said I could just borrow some of them from him.

To be honest, he was being friendly, but not inviting.

The other day he I/Med me though and raved about Techno Tuesday at one of the local bars (which I can get into).  He told me I should go next week, still though, friendly, but not extremely inviting, for a lot of my friends go with him.

Skip to last night.

It is Final Four, and my team, the Spartans have just made it into the national championships.  I'm out and about partying, and it's getting late.  I don't feel like wasting seven bucks, so I give EB's roommate a call, since I'm partying a couple houses down from them.  I ask if I could crash there and he said yes, but the couch was taken.  It's fine though because EB's roomie happens to be gay, which means I get the privilege of sleeping with him in his bed and it not being anything but sleeping.  I accept the invitation and head over there.

I'm in his room when we both hear Ex-Boy arrive home.  I decided oh so coincidentally (I have a problem with giving up on him, okay!) to go get a glass of water.

Ex-Boy seems happy to see me, and we are both drunk.  I go upstairs with him and, well...you know.

We wake up this morning and we are still all cuddly.

NOTE:  I'm weary of this.  This has happened a handful of times since we've been broken up where we would hook up and the next day we would cuddle, almost with a sad tone set to it, and then he wouldn't answer any calls or I/Ms from me  after, until a couple months later in which the same thing would repeat itself, and I still could never completely and fully give up on him.

This time it seemed different.  He wasn't the sad and sullen cuddly guy he usually is the morning after hooking up since we've been broken up.

I even mentioned it to him.  He was more open with me, talking about his family and friends, book, and movies.

We cuddle more, we kiss more, and it's cute.

He then turns to me and says the 8 words.  "Does this mean we can watch movies now?"  He then goes on to say, " I was too much of a pussy to ask you to watch all the movies I recommended you with me."  I reply and tell him the same thing.

He then asks me if I purposefully came about his house or if it was by sheer coincidence and need, and I admit that there might have been some plotting beforehand.

He's glad, he says.

He makes me breakfast and we cuddle more, then he drives me home on his bike.  When I get off of it and I go to hand him my helmet he says "Why don't you hold onto it, oh and don't forget we are watching movies together, and hopefully soon, please get at me soon".

WHAT DO I DO?!!! I  MELTED.

Yes, he cheated before.  Yes, he's a stupid boy.

But this time he really DOES seem different.  This time it's more than just "look at the weather" with him.  He's opening up.

I know, I know.  I need to be careful.

I still am in shock though.