A Letter to Ex-Boy

If I could write Ex-Boy a letter, this is what it would be:

Dear Ex-Boy,

We have been at this for a year and a half.  This on and off regime that we seem to be stuck in, like a never ending game of monopoly.  But I am scared.  We would always get together and then it would be as if we didn't even know each other for a couple of months, and alas we would get back together again.

You seemed different the other day.  As if nothing that happened before ever took place, as if you met me for the first time and you just wanted to be with me.  Two days have passed and I find myself in a fearful mindset.

You've messed with my heart so many times before, that even though you seem so sincere this time, I can't help but find myself wondering, is he doing the same thing to me again.

How blind does one have to be to go back to someone that many times.  And even if you have changed, I'm not sure that I can go through each day and moment that we aren't with one another wondering if you are going to change your mind and decide that you're done with me again.

The last couple of times you really did hurt me.  You hurt my feelings, but I'm scared that if I continue with optimism, thinking that you've really changed, and then you change your mind again, it will truly break my heart.

You may have just hurt me before, but I fear that if it happens again, you won't only hurt me, but you will break me.  My being, my spirit, and my heart.

It's only 2:43 PM and I haven't spoken to you yet today.  A normal person shouldn't be afraid that their other doesn't want them anymore just because they haven't had a moment to check in.

It's like the boy who cried wolf, every time we have been together and then the next day you say, just kidding, I just wanted the physical part and then left.  But the one time that it does matter, if it is even that time, I'm not sure that I can have or put enough faith into it to know that you haven't just been busy.

My mind only goes to the thought of you thinking to yourself, "what was I doing, I don't want to be with her again, better stop talking to her."

I don't know what to do.  I fear that either way I will end up hurt.

These feelings have never had a chance to go away.  You've kept me on your fishing hook, even though you haven't had the nerve to reel me in.

Just thought I'd put my fears out there, just in case you wanted to clear that up.

For now, but not always,

EB