Dream Boy

Ex-Boy and I are done.

Dream Boy- he is amazing.  This is the boy I hung out with that I mentioned in my last post.

He has every trait I want in a guy that I would be with forever.  He's absolutely perfect for me.  I haven't been as happy as I am today in a really long time.

I don't only have butterflies in my stomach from this boy but rather dinosaurs.  I now know what first-kiss-fireworks feel like.  And I love it.

What has been going down.

Let me just tell you that way too many things have happened for me to account for them all.

I'll start by saying , Ex-Boy is no longer an ex...  I don't even know what we should call him anymore because I never saw this coming.

After a little scare we had (yes, we had a total 'Knocked Up' moment, but we took all the precautions necessary after), we talked about EVERYTHING for about two hours.  He then asked me to be his girlfriend... again.

It would sound like a fairy tale ending for EB, except for the fact that literally the next night I met the man of my DREAMS and he actually was interested in me.

Don't worry I didn't do anything skiezy like Ex-Boy did, but I did hang out with him.  I mean, if Ex-Boy can chill with his ex (the one he cheated on me with) than I can hang out with another boy.

Really I don't know what to think about the whole situation and I'm starting to think I made the wrong decision by saying yes to him.

And so it Happens Again

That's right.  Ex-Boy did it again.

For two weeks I was so twitterpated with him.  Everything was going perfect.  He'd text me every morning and we'd hang out every other night.  He would say the cutest things to me (at least for him it was cute).  I brought him around my friends he didn't know and he got along with them well.

It was great...until he started to distance himself.

The night of my birthday I was really sad.  I just needed to  be held, so even though he forgot my birthday and I really was not happy with him, I went over to his place and we cuddled.

The next morning however, he was back to his old self.  We just cuddled silently and then I left.  It wasn't how it had been the past two weeks where it was fun and cute and flirty- it was sullen and quiet.

He didn't respond to any of my messages for a couple days.  When he finally did text me back they were one word answers.

I haven't seen him since Thursday or Friday when I just showed up at his place and dropped the helmet off.

He texted me today because my name was in the newspaper but it was nothing of substance.

As I predicted- he didn't just hurt me this time, he broke me.

I haven't been the same for the past week, I just mope around.  I can't get it off my mind and at any given moment there are tears welled up in my eyes, just waiting for the right moment to pour out.

I fell for his shit again because I didn't want to (and don't want to) learn from this- I'd rather live in the vicious cycle of it all where I don't have to admit to being alone.

Truth is...

I'm destined to be alone.

the real B-Day post.

Last night I did NOT sleep well.  That whole milk and cookies before you go to bed isn't always a good idea.

So today is my B-day and I angrily mentioned before.  It had a bad beginning but I decided to make the best of the rest of it.

Last night before my freak out was great!  I spent the last hours of my old age bumming around with K-Girl.

We then brought in my birthday with Grey's Anatomy, awesome cookies, milk, and cigarettes- all of my vices.

We also did the obligatory boy talk which, with this whole ex-boy thing, is always needed.

He's been so sweet lately, yet today, my special day, he has yet to even say hi.  Unlike when we were dating and he ignored Valentines day and I let it slide, this time he isn't getting off so easy.  If he really doesn't care to wish me a happy birthday, I am going to flip out on him, and lay ALL of his shit out there.

I'm done walking on egg shells with this one, trying not to mess anything up in hopes of it working out.  Sometimes, people need to be told when they are being complete assholes.

And of course I could be completely over reacting since he does still have 10 and a half hours to redeem himself- but we will see if he does.

It's strange being another year older.

Bothersome a little.  I'm not going to lie, this morning when I sat and literally just BAWLED about my car breaking down today and how I wasn't going to make it to my hair appointment, there was more that I was crying about.

Sometimes growing up is really difficult.  What really comes to mind is the fact that my family is moving.  It's like all of the sudden I'm a year older, I'm losing my home so my parents can go yup it up in LA, and it's scary!

Another thing more about the birthday thing is that my B-days are never that exciting.  I never have a completely special fantastic day, and the reason I freaked so much this morning (if only you could have seen it, it was ridiculous) was because to me going out and getting my hair done was the only thing that I could control and make special for myself.  I don't know that having dinner with Mom will be so enjoyable, or that film club will be fun tonight, or if my friends will want to celebrate with me after, but I do know that I can go and pamper myself and make it a good day- and when my car broke, it ruined it!  Well its working okay (for now) so I'm going to go have a good day!

W00hoo!

No Good Very Bad B-Day

It is my Birthday.  And my car decided to die.

Seriously- this is just my luck.  Great start to the day, huh?  So EB gets in her car after bringing in the first B-Day hour with K-girl watching grey's, and drives home.  Then, it dies.  In the parking lot.

I wish I could sleep through the rest of the day and forget about the fact that me and my car are getting old and on our way to death.

Epiphany...finally!!!!

Okay it may just be that I've been awake way too long, considering it is nearly 7 AM and I've yet to get to bed (curse you awful job), or it could be an actual epiphany.  I'm thinking it's the latter, if not the awesome playlist I have going that's helping me stay awake mixed with Redbull.  I digress.

I think I like, maybe even love the place I am at with Ex-Boy right now.  Please don't think I'm saying I love him, because that would be pushing it WAYYY too far.  No. I love the place I'm at with him.

It's like playing house without any titles attached is it's own silent title.  Almost as if not having that BF/GF label makes us our own thing.

I'm not about to stop flirting with whatever comes along, but I'm pretty sure I won't be hooking up with anyone else.  And by the way he's acting, I think the same goes for him.

For example:  This may get a little risque, and I'll allow it, only because of my lack of sleep.  He was in the process of removing my bra, which he happened to be sucking at.  I said to him, "Wow!  Someone has lost their game," in a joking tone of course, and he responds with, "I'm sorry, but the last person who's bra I removed was yours, the other night, and back in September!"

He didn't have to say that- but it's like he's been trying to make this point that I'm the only one he's been with.  I'm sure he's doing this because of the cheating incident, but either way.

I feel like we are on the same page.

My good friend, lets call her Irene, made a GREAT point the other day when we last chatted about the situation, before it got as juicy as it is (another post to come about that).

She pointed out that I will be gone for the whole summer.  I will not only be across both sides of the country at times, but even across the Atlantic, for quite a while.  Ex-boy couldn't even be faithful to me when I was right in front of him, let alone in Europe.

It would be reckless of me to try to be in a real relationship with him now, knowing that I'm leaving in something short of two months.

Yet, I like what we have, and our new little dynamic that has popped up with his alleged change.

So I've decided.  I'm going to keep things exactly as they are.  If he decides a little ways or a long ways down the road that he wants to revert to his old ways, and ditch me again, that's fine, I'll be gone all summer.  If not, then you know what?  He'll just have to wait for the real deal for when I get back.

For once I feel good about this.  I feel like this is me going with my gut and not based on what my heart wishes the happy ending would be or what my skeptical friends all think.

It's that perfect mix of my head and my heart and my stomach working together, feeding me the next step to take.

In this case, there is no step.  I'll stay planted, and enjoy the new found balance.

I'm a trouble maker.

So here is what I am doing.

I am going to take it slow.  And for as long as I can try to suppress the crazy in me that is always wondering if he's going to do it again.

On that note.

I'm twitterpated and it's bad.  If you didn't know, twitterpated is a term from Bambi and it means being simply in deep puppy love.

Ex-Boy started talking about my birthday last night (which is in a week!).  He asked what I wanted, etc. etc.

Ohhhh boy.

A Letter to Ex-Boy

If I could write Ex-Boy a letter, this is what it would be:

Dear Ex-Boy,

We have been at this for a year and a half.  This on and off regime that we seem to be stuck in, like a never ending game of monopoly.  But I am scared.  We would always get together and then it would be as if we didn't even know each other for a couple of months, and alas we would get back together again.

You seemed different the other day.  As if nothing that happened before ever took place, as if you met me for the first time and you just wanted to be with me.  Two days have passed and I find myself in a fearful mindset.

You've messed with my heart so many times before, that even though you seem so sincere this time, I can't help but find myself wondering, is he doing the same thing to me again.

How blind does one have to be to go back to someone that many times.  And even if you have changed, I'm not sure that I can go through each day and moment that we aren't with one another wondering if you are going to change your mind and decide that you're done with me again.

The last couple of times you really did hurt me.  You hurt my feelings, but I'm scared that if I continue with optimism, thinking that you've really changed, and then you change your mind again, it will truly break my heart.

You may have just hurt me before, but I fear that if it happens again, you won't only hurt me, but you will break me.  My being, my spirit, and my heart.

It's only 2:43 PM and I haven't spoken to you yet today.  A normal person shouldn't be afraid that their other doesn't want them anymore just because they haven't had a moment to check in.

It's like the boy who cried wolf, every time we have been together and then the next day you say, just kidding, I just wanted the physical part and then left.  But the one time that it does matter, if it is even that time, I'm not sure that I can have or put enough faith into it to know that you haven't just been busy.

My mind only goes to the thought of you thinking to yourself, "what was I doing, I don't want to be with her again, better stop talking to her."

I don't know what to do.  I fear that either way I will end up hurt.

These feelings have never had a chance to go away.  You've kept me on your fishing hook, even though you haven't had the nerve to reel me in.

Just thought I'd put my fears out there, just in case you wanted to clear that up.

For now, but not always,

EB

The 8 Words That Made my Heart Beat Faster

8 words.  One sentence, or question, rather.  "Does this mean we can watch movies now?"

Ex-Boy asked me this question this morning.  This probably makes no sense to you.  How and why could these 8 words make my heart beat faster?

Lets rewind.

Ex-Boy and I have been talking a lot lately.  It started before my London trip.  We had the first somewhat pseudo-intelligent conversation that we've ever had.  I didn't think too much of it, except for the fact that he asked me to pick him up a certain kind of scarf there in which he'd pay me for.

I get  back and we continue to talk from time to time.  Sometimes I would instant message him, yet a lot of the times he'd instant message me.

One night his roommate who happens to be a friend of mine came to my apartment and we watched Run Lola Run- a great german film.  EB's Roommate went home and told Ex-Boy about it, in which EB started to talk to me more and more about movies.

I liked it, because it was, in his weird and twisted way, him opening up to me.

He started recommending films to me, which I would try to download.  He also said I could just borrow some of them from him.

To be honest, he was being friendly, but not inviting.

The other day he I/Med me though and raved about Techno Tuesday at one of the local bars (which I can get into).  He told me I should go next week, still though, friendly, but not extremely inviting, for a lot of my friends go with him.

Skip to last night.

It is Final Four, and my team, the Spartans have just made it into the national championships.  I'm out and about partying, and it's getting late.  I don't feel like wasting seven bucks, so I give EB's roommate a call, since I'm partying a couple houses down from them.  I ask if I could crash there and he said yes, but the couch was taken.  It's fine though because EB's roomie happens to be gay, which means I get the privilege of sleeping with him in his bed and it not being anything but sleeping.  I accept the invitation and head over there.

I'm in his room when we both hear Ex-Boy arrive home.  I decided oh so coincidentally (I have a problem with giving up on him, okay!) to go get a glass of water.

Ex-Boy seems happy to see me, and we are both drunk.  I go upstairs with him and, well...you know.

We wake up this morning and we are still all cuddly.

NOTE:  I'm weary of this.  This has happened a handful of times since we've been broken up where we would hook up and the next day we would cuddle, almost with a sad tone set to it, and then he wouldn't answer any calls or I/Ms from me  after, until a couple months later in which the same thing would repeat itself, and I still could never completely and fully give up on him.

This time it seemed different.  He wasn't the sad and sullen cuddly guy he usually is the morning after hooking up since we've been broken up.

I even mentioned it to him.  He was more open with me, talking about his family and friends, book, and movies.

We cuddle more, we kiss more, and it's cute.

He then turns to me and says the 8 words.  "Does this mean we can watch movies now?"  He then goes on to say, " I was too much of a pussy to ask you to watch all the movies I recommended you with me."  I reply and tell him the same thing.

He then asks me if I purposefully came about his house or if it was by sheer coincidence and need, and I admit that there might have been some plotting beforehand.

He's glad, he says.

He makes me breakfast and we cuddle more, then he drives me home on his bike.  When I get off of it and I go to hand him my helmet he says "Why don't you hold onto it, oh and don't forget we are watching movies together, and hopefully soon, please get at me soon".

WHAT DO I DO?!!! I  MELTED.

Yes, he cheated before.  Yes, he's a stupid boy.

But this time he really DOES seem different.  This time it's more than just "look at the weather" with him.  He's opening up.

I know, I know.  I need to be careful.

I still am in shock though.

Adventures of a Thursday Night

There's something about the adventures and misadventures of pulling an all-nighter with good friends that is extremely enticing.

Last night had a mist of excitement in the air, even before I had any solid plans.  The night started with a B-roll movie at Replay, a small entertainment exchange in downtown East Lansing.  Basically this event consists as follows:

a.  You hang out with a bunch of hipsters, nerds, and people of all different breeds.

-It's really rather relieving being in an environment with a bunch of people who normally wouldn't fit in the same social circles.

b.  You watch a crappy B-roll movie

-Movies that kind of suck, and are very raw and 'edgy'.

c. You vocally criticize and narrate the film as it plays, commonly making fun of it.

-This also fits into the category of meeting new people because you converse with those around you

Basically, it was a great experience.  I was expecting a bunch of nerdy gamer kids, but there happened to be a lot of really cool people there, not to mention the most adorable 'shy-guy' I've ever met.

***

Once we left Replay, I headed over to BJ-M's, where I met Bethany, one of my tightest girl friends.  We hung out, watched movies, watched Tales From the Crypt, and just had a good, relaxed time.  Around 5 AM Bethany and I decided a McDonald's run was in order on the way home considering that they were now serving breakfast, however BJ-M, being the douche bag we all love and adore, wanted us to pick him some up and drop it off, which was completely out of the way.  After much bickering we decided not to go to MD's.  Then, as if a fluke, on the way home Bethany turns to me and says, "Lets go to McDonald's and just not tell BJ-M".  At that moment Bethany became my new favorite person.

***

We walk into McDonalds.  I was rather loopy do to the time, and Bethany was still a bit intoxicated, and by a bit I mean adorably tipsy.  As we enter we are addressed by some guys who appear to be intoxicated, but we aren't sure.  They greet us and then invite us over for beer pong...at 5 in the morning.   We are then sure.  I politely decline for us, since Bethany had an 8 AM this morning, and they weren't very nice after that.  They left.

We then order, get our food and sit.  Two adorably drunk boys enter and ask us if they could join.  We obliged and chatted.  Not going to lie, I would have loved to hang out with them even though it was ridiculously later... or early.  We  exchanged digits and dropped the boys off at their house.

***

Nights like last make me happy to be young.  I dread the day that I have to go to bed at promptly 10 PM, after reading a book like "How to Battle Being Middle-Aged".

So Cal and More

My parents are moving...

I'm moving?

It's complicated.  My dad is getting relocated from Michigan to LA, California.  I'm going to school still at MSU.  Now though, when I want to go home or to go see my parents or my dog, I have to fly to LA...

It's weird.  I almost feel homeless.  I have my apartment, but I don't have a house.  My parents will have a house in LA- but is it really home to me?  I've never even been to that house.

So I have no home.  My parents have a home.  Not I.

***

In other news, Buffalo Wild Wings is now off of my "safe places to eat" list.  Thanks to their wings I spent the night sleeping on my bathroom floor, extremely unhappy.

Also, film film and more film.  I've missed it these past couple of weeks, but it is now coming back.  I'll be doing a voice over sock puppet skit with my costar from A Little Change in which I'm a Sarah Palin Sock Puppet and he's a Bush sock puppet for a new sketch comedy tv show that Fight Song Films is putting on.  I also just auditioned for a role in a mockumentary, so we'll see what happens with that.

Live long and prosper people.

Quick Update

I have a five page paper to write, a two page paper to write, a bunch of reading to do, and I don't want to do any of it.

School is not fun :(

Haven't really talked to BJ-M since the St. Patty's Day incident.

Ex-Boy and I have been talking a bit which is always weird and raises my hopes, then kills them instantaneously.

Joy.

St. Patty's Day

Let me just say that St. Patrick's Day will always leave a bad taste in my mouth.

Last year it was right after I broke up with Ex-Boy.  I was around annoying drunk people the whole day, stuck really far off campus with no transportation anywhere.  I finally sobered up and played DD to a party my friends were having that night.  By the time we got there everyone had been drinking all day long and were so on edge that it just wasn't any fun- for a lot of people.

Then I looked over and there it was, Ex-Boy, whom I had only been broken up with for two weeks, yet we still hooked up the week before (I had a hard time letting go), making out with a girl that was brought along to the party with one of my friends.

Needless to say I spent the night in tears.

*****

This year wasn't any better.

First off it was a stressful day of classes, which, when they ended I had a gruesome paper to write that I had been putting off for over a month that was due two days prior (I got a couple days extended).

After I finally finished the paper, which normally should have only taken me an hour or two to write, yet took me four hours to finish, I got ready for film club- something fun, right?

Well BJ-M decided that none of them were going to go, and I already agreed to meet an acquaintance there.  So I was stuck, without any of my confidants, attending film club expecting to see the Pres there.  Luckily he was too much of a pussy to show his face.

A good friend, we'll name her K Girl, ended up coming by and we went to BJ-M's place, despite that fact that he pissed me off by not attending last minute.

*****

We walk into a house, which you must imagine, that I know like the back of my hand.  I've basically lived there the past three and a half months.  The guys that live there are my best male friends, and know more than most about me, vice versa.  It's the kind of friendship that I can just show up unannounced and we end up hanging out cooped up there for three hours straight.

We have a solid group of friends that party and hang out with us that we very rarely stray from and if we do it's usually only one or two randoms that show up.

So I walk in and walk downstairs to where there is a plethora of party voices, only to find SEVEN people whom I have absolutely NO idea who they are, and only TWO of my friends.  You must understand that to walk into a situation like that with no prior warning is very uncomfortable.

It turns out that these are people BJ-M  and friends met on spring break in Panama.  One of which, is a girl BJ-M was obviously hooking up with considering the fact that she CLUNG to his arm as if the world was going to end...ALL night.  If that wasn't annoying enough, she was extremely unfriendly when I attempted to talk to her.

The time I spent trying to enjoy myself with K Girl and Jar (another friend), was soiled only by BJ-M coming up to me and whispering in my ear "oh my god you're so poutty, stop pouting!  wow you are so mad at me!  You are so mad!  You're pouting so much!"

*****

Truth is, I was really trying to have fun up until that point- I was singing along with the music, dancing with my friends.  But after he kept doing that- which is what he obviously wanted to see me doing, and after the hooker that was clinging was as unfriendly as she was, I really did start to pout.

I sat there with phone in hand, and played on it for 2 hours.  Once I was finally okay to drive I up and left, barely saying goodbye to anyone.

I turned to the hooker and throw her a quick "nice meeting you," without really even looking at her, and leave.

What probably pissed me off the most was the fact that BJ-M was a completely different person in front of this girl.  He wouldn't even play the music he liked (hardcore) until she left, but when she came back he'd switch it off.  He barely talked to me and Jar because we are the prime people he likes to freak out on, which I'm sure he didn't want to do in front of her, even though we all know he's only joking around, or that's just how he is.

*****

I don't care anymore.  I'll admit it.

I don't have those kind of feelings for BJ-M anymore.  But I definitely am the competitive, jealous best friend.

I don't like change- especially when I see it going in a bad direction.  Anyone who asks you, or you feel you must, change yourself for, isn't worth it.  Who I am is too important, more important than some college hook up or relationship.

I think I need a break from my group of friends now.

My Trip!

Well- London was amazing.  I'm already counting down until summer.

Paris was... an experience.

The second we got off the train we were bombarded by gypsies begging for money.  I didn't feel as safe or comfortable as I did in London.  The hotel we were at was on a shady street, but luckily we found the nicer areas surrounding it.

We stayed in Montparnasse, Paris.  The first night we went to dinner in the area.  I fell in love with every waiter we had there.  They were adorable.  The second day we did a bunch of touristy things.  We started with Musee D'orsay to see a bunch of the famous impressionist paintings.  Then we went to the Eiffel Tower, Arch De Triumph, Champs-Elysees, etc.  We ended the day at Sacre-Coeur, which is a church in Montmarte (the highest point in Paris).  The last day was dedicated to shopping.

Overall Paris was pretty okay, but I still liked London better.

I'd go into more detail about it but we did and saw so much that it would be impossible to cover all of the bases.

I will say that my brother's roommate is the most adorable Jewish English boy I've ever met- plus his family is in the diamond business- can you say catch?!

It was a good time.  I'm not looking forward to getting back into the whole school thing :(

zzzzzzz

Real post to come.  The other side is tiring.

Cultural Differences?

Something really interesting in London.  On the streets, no one really makes eye contact with you.  When they do, it's  very rare and usually they aren't British or from the area.

I'm so used to walking down the streets in the U.S. and locking eyes with hundreds of people everyday.  Even if I don't acknowledge them, I still look at them.

It's just strange to me, that's all.

Day 1

London.

Amazing.

Got on the plane, slept, read, slept some more.  Arrived, ate, slept, ate.

Walked through Angel- lovely.  Saw the canals.

Tonight is dinner with the parents and brother, then pre-gaming in Angel.  Clubs in Camden.

I feel like I'm a  character in The Rules Of Attraction by Bret Easton Ellis.

London and Paris

My spring break has started and it's a good thing, too.  Tomorrow will consist of packing and spending the day going through customs at the airport.

Our flight to London departs at 6 PM and arrives, MI time, at 2 AM, London time that is 8AM.

Good thing I work shitty hours because I won't get jet lag too horribly.

Wednesday and Thursday will be spent in Paris.

We depart London on Saturday to head back to the states.

I. Am. So. Excited!!!!

Agreed

My friend from work had this posted on his facebook.  I read it, and instantly associated it with every guy I've ever dated.

if you "don't mean to be a dick" and then you do something that makes you a dick...not only are you a dick, but you are a liar.

What Went Down

Okay I guess I should explain myself.

What happened with The Pres:

Him and I started talking and flirting.  There was an immediate connection.  I did something very unlike myself- I let my guard down.  I let myself get excited about something that wasn't yet concrete.

He decided to break up with his girlfriend, partially because their relationship was shitty, and partially to be with me.

That night we hung out and were all cute and shit together and it went well.. so I thought.

I was at work and he I/med me and said something along the lines of 'I had a good time but it really freaked me out and I think there's going to be a lot of fallout with my ex, so I don't think we can proceed with this yet, and I just am very confused now and wasn't ready to break up with her'.

So I was polite about it and decided to leave him alone for a while and let him think or whatever he needed to do, even though I was hurt by it and angry with myself for letting myself get excited about it.

It has been 5 days since I talked to him, so I decided to text him hello and see how he's been, expecting either no response, or a response in which he is honest and says what's going on with him and his ex and his feelings (he's that kind of person, the kind that is extremely open about everything and likes to talk about shit).  Well his response was... rather vapid.  Not unfriendly, but just staying on the surface.

I think I need to be on spring break more than ever right now.

Checks and Balances of "I Love You's"

Matters of the

heart are (hardly)

'diplomatic'.

Jagged edges

of a dismal blade

run smoother

than those feelings

that overcome

one (or many).

It's messy yet

addicting; one

can(t) help but

fight for the

heartbreak.

I've been awarded

the awful pain

of those (few) words.

'I Love You's'

are never spoken

when deep in

the [politics] of

love.

Rather (reserved)

for befores

and afters.

***

So I've decided to start writing some poetry more often.  I haven't done it in a very long time, and I used to really enjoy it so I shall.

This one is dedicated to my feelings on sex and love trying to coincide in one world.

Enjoy!

I'm her

I'm that girl.  I'm the girl that makes him realize how much he loves his girlfriend... every time.

I don't want to be her.

The Pres

I have a crush.

And I may or may not be heading in the direction of a relationship.

We need to give this boy a name, so I can obnoxiously refer to all that is him.  I'm thinking Pres, as he is Pres of film club.

So.  Pres broke up with his girlfriend, maybe and maybe not for me.

I haven't done this in so long, I forget how the process of actual dating works...  Someone refresh my memory!!

EDITTTTT:

Scratch all of that.

Really?

Life is very strange.  So I met a new boy.

I've known him... kind of.  He's president of film club.  So I see him every other week, yet we've never talked one on one, nor seen each other outside of actual FC meetings.

On Valentine's Day he made a comment on one of my facebook statuses (facebook is getting so lame, I know) making a joke of V-Day.

Then, last night at the meeting we started talking.  He ended up coming out with the core group of us and we talked the whole time...

He has a girlfriend but it isn't going well.

I'm not going to be that girl to move in on him while he's in a relationship, but there was definitely chemistry there.

Hopes aren't going up though,  I know how this could play out and it could end with him and her being happily or unhappily together, while I've gotten into this really deep crush on a guy who won't ever realllllly leave her.

Shit isn't going down like that.

Contact from Ex-Boy

Why?  Why do they (men, Exes in particular) do this to us (women)?

I'm sitting at my computer, minding my own business, which an away message up.  All of the sudden I get an instant message from, who?  Ex-Boy.

Keep in mind I haven't seen or talked to Ex-Boy since December, and even then it was the first time since September that I had seen him.

I have a theory.

Ex-Boy has yet to find someone (aside from his other ex who he cheated on me with) to be romantically involved with since me.

I propose that he does this to keep me on his little hook.  He doesn't want me to get too attached, yet he still wants that option to be available for the times when he's wanting to get out some sexual tension.

Therefore after seeing me he will wait weeks, if not months, and then, like a slithering snake, sneak up on me, and out of nowhere strike up a conversation.

It's always very relaxed, and usually starts with him poking fun at me in his lame attempts to  be flirtatious.

This time I played it differently.  I was polite, but I stayed focused on what I was doing (studying).  The conversation started to dwindle and he said he had to go (probably to avoid anymore awkward pauses).  That was it.

This is me, finally over all of it.  Lets just hope he doesn't ask to hang out though... I don't think I'm quite that strong yet to say no...

Post Number 200

This is my 200th post.  I almost think it's sad that it took me this long to get here.

I've thought long and hard about what I'd have to say in this post.  And there really isn't much.

I've felt completely uninspired lately and bored with what I write.

There's nothing to it, no literary genius, no noticeable flow.  I need something more, some extreme life experiences that'll hopefully spark something inside me, causing me to write beautiful, poetic pieces.

Until then...

I need a break.

He's my Best Friend

I have a problem.

I can't tell anyone I know about it, either...

I have a crush on my current best male friend.

Yes, he's a film club guy; Yes, he's hilarious; and yes, he treats girls that aren't his friends (the ones he 'dates') like objects.

Obviously he's what I look for in a guy.

The thing that sucks most about it is I know how he is.  I know that if we were to ever hook up, for instance, he would go tell his friends all about it later (I've been present for those day after dish parties, if you will).  I know that he's a complete man whore who thinks solely with his dick.

Are you seeing where the problems lie?  The thing is, he's such a genuine friend, the kind that would do ANYTHING for me at the drop of a hat.

I've known I have a crush on him for a while now... oh I'd say at least for a month if not more.  I just can't bring myself to really admit it... That's why I'm doing it here.

I know if I go dish to any one of my girl friends they'll either A. Tell him when I'm not there, or B. Give me the long laundry list why it would never work, the first reason mainly being the fact that he would NEVER see me that way.

This I know.  Which, of course, poses another problem-  How do I get over it?

The whole distancing thing won't work this time, he's literally one of my best friends and he's a film boy so by doing that I'd be committing social suicide, sentencing myself to a semester of sitting alone in my room doing homework.

Finding another guy would be promising if there happened to be other guys that exist somewhere on this campus that aren't attached, assholes, or gay.

What does a girl do when she falls for her best friend?

Obligatory V-Day Post

I guess it is time for the obligatory Valentine's Day post, huh?

Here's what I got:

I've never had an SO for Valentine's Day.  I've never even had a date for Valentine's Day.  Last year I was dating 'Ex Boy'.  He didn't even talk to me on V-Day.  Not a phone call, not even a text.

Needless to say I'm pretty pessimistic when it comes to this Hallmark Card Holiday.  This year, however, I've decided to treat myself to some goodies.

Goodie Numero Uno:  I bought new shoes.  They are adorable.  Rocket Dog, Converse-style shoes, that have colorful splatter paint on them.

Goodie Numero Dos:  I'm getting my hair done.  I had gotten it dyed dark and then red highlights throughout it a little over a month ago, and it has faded quite a  bit.  Therefore I'm getting the red redone :)  Perfect for this sad day we call a Holiday.

Also, I plan on hanging out with all of my single friends tonight (tomorrow night).  There will be drinks involved.  Lets just hope there's someone to make out with sloppily.

That's the plan.

Enjoy another look into my life!

Our film for the Spring 48/5 competition as part of the East Lansing Film Festival.

Required Elements-

Genre: Drama

Location: Bowling Ally

Prop: Remote Control

Line of Dialogue: "You're running out of gas"

Yet Another 48/5

Did I say that this weekend was going to be fun? I'm sorry to have mislead you.  I meant it was going to be stressful, and it has been.

Lets start with yesterday:

48/5 begins at 6.  The elements are as followed:

Prop:  Remote control

Location: Bowling Ally

Line of Dialogue: "You're running out of gas"

 We all meet for our collaboration dinner over drinks, cigs, and food.  We talked for about 3 hours and came up with the perfect idea that everyone agreed on.  At the very end of the meeting a person throws out a new idea, and last minute, without any prep or development they decide to use it.  Fuck.

A couple of us go back to BJ-M's place to write the script around 9 PM.  We decide, since it was so sudden, to write both ideas.  We end up writing 5 scripts.  Around midnight we get into deep conversation about our first idea that we had at the collaboration meeting.  Sounds like we're going to use it.  Then we read the second script idea that they came up with last minute- they decide to use it.

The kid who wrote it leaves and we all start talking about the script.  We decide to go back to the first idea.  It's now about 1:45 AM.  There are some issues, so they think, with the script.  We re-write it.  It's now 3 AM.  The guys aren't happy with it.

This is where EB gets crabby from being up until 3:30 AM and decides to say 'fuck it' and leaves.

I go home, knowing I need to be up at 8 AM to meet at the bowling ally to film.  Set my alarm.

I wake up and it's bright outside- look at my phone and it's turned off!  It was 11:30 AM and I had about 10 missed calls/texts.

Run to the  bowling ally only to find out that they wrote a completely new script.  Good stuff.  

Everyone was stressed, exhausted, but filming went great.

Now I'm at work, knowing I need to be up early again tomorrow to complete our 48/5...

Lets just hope we are rewarded in the end, if not with a 1st place prize, then at least with the fact that we beat out the two professional production companies that entered the competition.

A Fun Weekend to Come

I'm feeling a bit better.  Exhausted, but better.

I've been trying to work as much as possible, although I did miss two of my scheduled shifts this week due to school and exhaustion.

My logic is if I work and make enough money, I can start to distance myself from my parents wallet, hopefully proving to them that I can manage my finances enough to take a loan.

Lets hope it works!

In other news, another 48/5 is taking place this weekend and I am hoping Fight Song Films (my production team) kicks some ass in order to hold our winning title.  Last time we beat out two of Michigan's production companies (prior to the talk of them building a huge one in Pontiac).  One of them placed second, and the other took third.  We've found out through the help of facebook that for this 48/5 they've decided to combine powers.

I have a keen feeling that it will work against them, and in favor of us... at least, I hope.

Since I'm working another double at work tonight (11:30 PM to 7 AM) I intend on sleeping ALL day tomorrow until 6 PM when the competition starts.  Then it is work, work, work, all weekend long.

I guess there is some good in the Winter season, huh?

Seasonal Craziness

It's about that time of the season where I've had enough.  The cold is so annoying, I just want it to be warm.

I've had enough of the weather, enough of fighting with my parents, enough of school, everything is just ENOUGH!

I know it's seasonal, and I know once it warms up everything will seem to suddenly get better, but right now I just feel really out of control.

I have so much to get done- but then I feel like I have nothing to get done all the same.

-Read for Astronomy

-Read for film

-Watch movie for film

-work on my theater scene

-Read shakespeare (ugh) for English

I'm SO FRUSTRATEDDDD.

It Has Been Way Too Long!

My last update was 1/20/09.  That was 11 days ago.  It feels like it has been a year.

Really, I don't have a great excuse for not updating.  I mean, I have been pretty busy trying to keep up with all my reading and homework for school.  Then there has been auditions, and film club, among other things.

Probably the greatest consumption of time has been fighting back and forth with my parents.  Why, you ask?  Three reasons.  These three reasons, however, combine nicely to form one main reason.

I'll start from the beginning.

My parents have always said that they want me to study abroad.  They wanted me to go for a whole semester because that way the cost would be equal to what it would cost me to study at MSU a semester, with no real additional cost (maybe like 200 dollars more, total).  After joining film club, and meeting BJ-M, I learned about a study abroad program that is perfect for me.  Basically, it's 6 weeks over the summer in London.  The program is called 'Film in Britain' and it consists of 9 credit hours (more if I'd like) and making my own film, pre-production to post-production.  There isn't another study abroad like it,  because it was created with the intent to cater directly to my major.

I told my parents about the program and they, obviously, wanted more information on it, cost, etc.  So, I sent them a heartfelt letter about how much I wanted to go and why, also including all of the finance information.  The program is expensive, I'm not going to lie.  It would be about 8,000 dollar more than it would cost for me to just take classes at MSU over the summer.

My parents said no to the program, after already letting me apply.  I understand completely that my parents can't afford it right now, however I really really want to go on this program.

I then asked my parents if I could take out a loan to finance the Study Abroad.  A note I should make is that my parents pay for everything for me- food, rent, utilities, tuition, everything (they never let me get a credit card or take loans out to pay for anything).  They said no to the loan.

This is where I get really upset.  I understand them not paying for it, but I don't get how they won't let me pay for it.  Most normal students have taken out at least one loan.  The worst part is- I'm in this position where I can't even take one out on my own without them cosigning.  My parents won't give me their financial information to fill out a FAFSA (document needed to get loans w/out a cosigner), and they won't cosign, plus I have no credit to apply on my own because they never let me build credit.

This leads me into reason 2 why we are fighting.  My parents never thought about the fact that their financial situation or the economy could change in the future.  So as I was young, and my brother was growing up, he got a lot that I never got.  For example, my parents financed two cars for him, out of state tuition, a 15,000 dollar study abroad program when he was in High School, study abroad when he was in college, and only a year ago they cosigned a 50,000 dollar loan for his graduate school.

What pisses me off the most out of all of those things is the loan.  They can trust my brother to pay back 50,000 dollars, yet they don't trust me to pay off a fraction of that.

I have a job.  I wouldn't even need to defer payments- I could start paying the interest now.  But no, my parents don't have that much faith in me, I guess.

The third reason is part of the second, in the fact that my car, Betty, is a total piece of shit.  She broke down on me in the middle of a main road the other day, and my parents weren't the least built helpful.  They payed for a car for my brother, then, when he sold it, put some more money into another car for him.  Yet my car, a hand-me-down from my grandma, keeps breaking down, and they aren't doing anything about it.

I may sound really ungrateful for all that my parents gave me, but I don't want you to think that.  I'm so grateful for everything my parents have given me in life, however, by giving me so much, they've debilitated me, in a way.  I'm so financially dependent on them because of it, that I can't even take out a freakin' loan on my own, whereas most students, who've had credit cards and such, could just get one without a cosigner based on their credit.

I have more to say on the subject, but this is long...

To be continued...

Party Hardy

The other day I was in an unhappy place- but I'm much better now :)

Yesterday was my last day of doing PBT's- so naturally after I took my last one I went over to BJ-M's place and we got our party on.  All my friends came- and it was a blast...what I remember of it haha.

Basically I started drinking at 2 in the afternoon- the boys pegged me to be passed out by 6 PM but I told them I could make it until 9!  I killed a 5th of Captains, a 4 shot white russian, a 6 pack of beer, and a couple games of beer pong...and I made it past 9- hell, I made it to 3 AM!!! How? I have no clue- however I am told that I took a 45 minute power nap haha.

I'm just so glad to be done with the whole thing.  Now I have to make it through Friday then off to Canada I go to party it up for a girls night!

I can't wait!

A Shitty Day

Today is not a fun day.

For one, today is Ex-Boy's birthday.  For those of you that remember that far back, a year ago today Ex-Boy and I started officially dating.  I hate looking back now on how all of that turned out.  It makes me feel ill.

Also, last night was a premise for my bitterness today.

The story goes, BJ-M, one of my really good film friends that treats me like 'just one of the guys', and I have hung out a LOT over break.  Tons.  Well school has started again and nothing has changed.  Before, I used to think that BJ-M and I would inevitably hook up.  It was bound to happen.  Then new years came and he hooked up with a friend of mine, which was totally fine and it made me realize that I wouldn't want to hook up with him because it would make things weird between us, and our friendship is too awesome for that.

Well two nights ago, the inevitable did, in fact, happen.  We were drunk, and we made out.  Yesterday morning when I woke up lying next to him I was kind of worried about it- then he woke up and NOTHING was awkward- it was fine!  Yes! I thought.

Noooo.  It's bad.  Last night one of the other actresses BJ-M uses in his films (he directed A Little Change) came over there and was partying with us.

I 've known from the beginning that BJ-M is a man whore- I'm okay with that- but they hooked up...and she has a boyfriend.

I guess what bothers me more than the fact that I made out with him the other night and then he fucked another girl the next night is the fact that he fucked a girl with a boyfriend.

I've been cheated on by Ex-Boy and it's not fun.  To be an accessory to that, in my opinion, is just as bad as actually cheating.

I guess I just lost a lot of respect for him there.  And it has been boiling in my thoughts all day.  That on top of the anniversary of mine and Ex-Boy's relationship just makes today suck a little bit more...

Sooo Tired.

Oh man.  I'm at work, and it's pointless.  You see, my job entails me to 'check students in' at the dorms at night.  Well, tonight they have me working a door for the sole purpose of telling the people that come to said door to go around to a different door.  Not to mention they have another girl working the same door as me.  I don't think it takes two people to tell students to go to a different door.

Needless to say, I'm sooo tired, and it is freezing-fucking-cold in Michigan, which makes me MORE tired.  By freezing, I mean, like, -5 degrees outside.

Tomorrow, aside from going to my one class, the only other time I plan on leaving my warm and toasty apartment is to- A. go to a callback audition, and B.  Come to work... again :(  BOOOOO.

Let me just say that Saturday is going to be dedicated to sleeping...ALL DAY LONG.

The one other thing I really hope doesn't happen, is I hope to god that I don't have to go and do a PBT in the morning.  How much would that suck to wake up and have to go out in -4 degree weather (with a windchill making it -25 degrees) to go blow- when, clearly, I'm not drinking.

I'm so relieve that in 4 days the whole blowing shit will be OVER!!!!

Until then, I must try to stay alive at work- NO SLEEPING, EB!!!

Just in case

For those of you who missed out the first time, and because I'm being nostalgic:

Here is the film we made for the 48/5 film competition (which one first place, and an entry into the East Lansing Film Festival)

ENJOY!!!

A Day in the Life

Well I am obviously back to work, since normally I wouldn't be posting at 1:30 AM when I have a 10:20 class in the morning.

Today I've got a lot done.

It was the first day of classes, so in addition to attending all of them I started up my fight for the Michigan filming incentive.  I must say it's going well.  The facebook group really picked up, my article got published in my Universities newspaper, and I've been in contact with a number of other newspapers in Michigan.  The work is not even close to being done though.

In happier, lighter, younger news, I'm off probation, in officially, 6 Days 7 hours and 20 minutes.  YAY!  Since this day happens to fall on MLK jr. Day, my friend BJ-M is throwing me a 'MLK-Danielle is off Probo Day' Party.

Should be fun, however I don't plan on remembering it ;)

I had started this semester off with 17 credits.  Then I decided to drop a class, and go down to 14 credits.  However, today I just found out that BJ-M is in the class I just dropped, so now I need to try to get back in it because, well, how could I turn down the opportunity to have that much fun in a class with BJ-M?!

I'm so tired.  Only an hour and 50 minutes until I'm done!!

Whoa!

Wow! All of the sudden I feel stressed and classes haven't even started yet! Here's what's going on:

1. I'm off probation in 8 days- yup a week from tomorrow, I'll be free!!!

2. I'm starting a state-wide, student coalition to save the Michigan Filming Incentive which is going to be taking up a LOT of my time, effort, and energy, but it's all for a good cause!

3. Classes start tomorrow- I'm signed up for 17 credits... I think I'm going to be dropping a class.

4. I love my friends. This break has been amazing all due to people like BJ-M, FA, NNBoy, Lauren, Beth, Tricia, Roomies A-B-and C, and CS.

Now and Then.

When I was in high school I never had a solid group of friends. I kind of was a nomad- traveling between different groups. Aside from Ex-Friend, whom I've never talked about (it's a long story which I'll post about a different day), every year I had different friends that I'd hang out with. Ex-Friend would come along for th trip, also changing her friends each year. I don't know why this is, if I had to guess it's because I didn't know who I was, thus I didn't quite know where I fit or what kind of friends I wanted.

It's weird looking back on that time because I'm in such a different place now; a better place. I have a real solid group of friends, in whom I love to spend time with, I've been so busy over break, which isn't normal considering breaks for me are usually pretty boring, and I had, probably, the best New Years Eve/ New Years ever.

It's nice to look back and realize, for now at least, that you've found yourself.

It's refreshing.

Update on the Abs

Day 5 of 8 minute abs.

My midsection has never been so sore in my life.


Lost 3 pounds though! Zumba tomorrow :)

Waiting

I recently auditioned for a short film that had a concept that really stuck with me. In a scene from the screenplay a man is talking about how he was always waiting around for stuff to happen. He waited for everything, and felt as though he spent most of his life waiting. He finally decided to stop waiting and take control of his life.

When you really think about it, it's so true. We do, in fact, spend most of our lives waiting. Whether it's waiting in line, waiting for your food at a restaurant, waiting at a traffic light, waiting for a certain movie to come out- we spend a lot of time doing something that is pretty boring.

Personally, I'm so sick of waiting around for things to happen. Waiting for life to take place. Yet, how do you change? How do you stop all this waiting and take over your life? How do you make things happen for yourself?

If anyone has the answer, please, let me know.

Fresh

It blows my mind how fast time passes. Only a few days ago it was last year. I have to say, I'm feeling really good. I have a lot of resolutions this year, some of which will be a lot harder to keep, but I'm going to try. So far, so good.

For instance, one of my resolutions is to do 8 minute abs every day. Why not, right? It only takes 8 minutes out of my day and I feel great after I do them. That one is going really well, especially since I put it into my daily routine already.

One that I think will be difficult, however I have more help with this semester is doing better in school. This one is hard because the difficulty of it isn't that of doing abs each day. It challenges me mentally, socially, emotionally, and sleep-wise; physically. However, this year I started a new ADD medicine [who knew that, I, probably the most scatter brained person on blogger is ADD?! I only have been diagnosed for 4 years now ;) ] Unlike my old ADD medicine, this one is a stimulant- the real deal, and it has helped so much so far. So I'm hoping the motivation keeps up as long as I keep up on taking my meds.

Then there are the resolutions I'm not telling people. Those ones are more about feeding my soul, and perhaps, I'll share them when I feel more comfortable with them.


I'm just happy this year has started stress-free and in good health (no more being sick for months at a time!).

I hope everyone else gets their freshest of fresh starts this year as well.

Cheers!

The Characters

I can see that it could be hard to keep up with all of these characters in my life, so I figured I'd give a little synopsis of each in a post. Sorry it's such a cop out post but that's what you get only a couple days after New Years, I mean, I'm STILL trying to recover ;)

Family:

Mom- Obviously, she birthed me 20 some years ago.

Dad- He helped.

B-Phil- This is my brother. He lives in London, and we never really got along well until recently.

Penny- My puppy. I bought her last year and she now lives with my mom- no 'i told you so's' please.

Friends/Boys/everyone else:

BJ-M: He's a film club friend. He hosted the NYE party this year. We joke around a lot and he's an awesome guy- I constantly joke and say that it's inevitable that we will make out eventually (it's more true, however, than not).

Ex-Boy: My ex-boyfriend. We dated for 8 months and he ended up cheating on me with his ex-girlfriend. We still hooked up a couple of times after the break up, but usually we go about 2 or 3 months without seeing or speaking to each other before that happens. It's the comfort thing I guess.

FA: Another boy from film club. We met while filming for something and ended up going on a 3 hour walk and talking forever. I had a crush on him, but now it's just turned into something silly where I'm obsessed with his abs and we make out drunkenly on occasion. There is something about him though...I just can't put my finger on it.

The Let Down: He was a former best friend. We were ridiculously close and it came to be that way ridiculously fast in the short period of time we knew each other. There were definitely other feelings there but not admittedly. We ended our friendship and hadn't talked for over a year- just recently we sat down and talked. We ended on good terms however I believe it was more of closure than rekindling our friendship- its kind of sad.

Neighbor Boy: The first neighbor I met and happened to have a fling with. It all happened quite quick- the first night I met him we made out in a pool and I woke up the next day in his apartment if that says anything. It lasted maybe 3 weeks before I came to my senses and admitted he was completely too trashy for me.

NNBoy: The second neighbor I met. He lives across the hall from me and I was a little more careful with not rushing into things. That being said, I don't think waiting 4 days was long enough. We still see each other... I think. I'm not really sure what kind of terms we are on right now. It's been a week or two since we've last hooked up- I'm okay with that.

Summer Fling: A guy I met the summer before going to school. We dated for two months long distance. Didn't see each other for the school year once we broke up, but this year we had a really random make out session and occasionally chat on iChat.

People I talk about but aren't under labels:

Lauren: My best friend who lives at home. She's like my other half.

Beth: Her and I are like the same person. Very silly- she's just more of a hippie than I am.

Tricia: One of my best friends from high school who goes to state. Roomies next year.

SM: A friend of Lauren's that I'm just starting to hang out with. She came up for new years and had a great time!

Roomie A: Roommate who is a good friend, also happens to be gay. Met him last year.

Roomie B: Roomie I don't really get along with well. Has a huge movie collection- met him through Roomie A

Roomie C: My favorite. He's adorable and cooks- we get along pretty well.

Koz: A friend I met when I did a second city summer program. He is hillarious. A good guy friend of mine that I don't see nearly as often as I'd like to.

CS: Costar from the 48/5 film. We made out in nearly every room of BJ-M's house. Kissed on new years. We're just friends and we all have fun together.

A New Year

New Years Eve/ New Years...

A film club friend, we'll call him BJ-M, decided, after much applied pressure from me, to throw a New Years party.

The whole day of NYE was spent drinking.  My friend, Beth, came over and we drank Mimosas, cranberry and vodka, bacardi and lemonade, and more.  We maintained a constant buzz all day as we prepared for the night.  Another friend, SM, came up from home.

We went over to BJ-M's place around 6:30.  I was pretty drunk by 8.  We left for an hour to attend another party, and returned by 9:30.  We all drunkenly watched the ball drop and then danced and sang (read: screamed) to music blaring from BJ-M's Bose speakers.

Next thing I know, I'm full on making out with FA (remember him?).  We are standing, making out in the center of all of these people dancing and singing to random music.  We make our way to a not-so-private chair in the corner of the room.  Lets just put it this way- things got heated, perhaps a little too heated for public.  Can't say I didn't enjoy it- but it is now the new year.

New years brings new resolutions.  I've thought this over.  I have some good ones.  I feel as if I say them out loud, though, I'll never actually succeed.  So for now, I'm leaving them to myself.  Lets just say, though, they don't involve random make outs in public- nor do they involve going over to NNBoy's to "watch a movie".

Time to clean up my act.

With that said, New Years this year, was probably the best party I've ever been to.

Not to mention both of my friends were total vixens, both bringing in the new year with new men.

Way to go girls.