I Hope I Won't Regret This: Part 3

Well.  The Let Down and I set plans for today to meet.  After I listened to his voicemail from Part 2 I decided that I really did want to meet up and talk about what had happened.

We met at 3:30 pm at a small hometown restaurant.  It was scary- to say the least.  I haven't seen this guy, the guy that was my best friend, whom I really did love, in a year and 4 months.

We talked about what happened, and I tried my best to listen with open ears, which I think I did well.  He said how he barely remembers why we stopped being friends, and of course, I reminded him.  He said that he didn't mean it how I took it that night, when he said I needed a clean slate and needed to start over.  That he was drinking the night we talked, which makes sense.

Ready for the kicker?  I asked how his 'wife' was doing.  His response- they broke up.  "Well did you even marry her?"  No.  He didn't.  He said he just told me that to hurt me because he was angry that I wasn't understanding him, and that I took it that he wanted to end our friendship.

I guess what he was trying to say that night was not that our friendship needed to end- but rather that we just needed time apart, and he felt our friendship was strong enough to go on hold, just until Trashy Girl was okay with us being friends.

He apologized.  I could tell he meant it, and that he really did care- but he showed it in an awful way.

We then went on to talk about what has happened to each of us over the past year and 4 months.  He has really gotten his life together- and I really am happy for him.  He broke up with Trashy Girl, and has been seeing a new girl for the past 3 months.  He moved out of his mom's place, and got a car.  He really went into a lot of detail about what had happened to him over the time apart.  I didn't.  It felt like I was starting over, like he didn't know me at all- I couldn't make it as personal as we used to be.  That was sad for me.

I told him that I was glad he was doing well and it was nice seeing him.  I also reminded him that he now has my email and if he'd like to, he can send me a message.

I don't know that he will.  I'd like him to, though.  Either way though, for me, this was closure.  Well needed closure.

I just hate that I feel so sad after it all.  It feels like a part of my heart died.  That chapter of my life is now closed- and there's no replacing the words on the page, or rewriting the ending.  What happened, really did happen- and I realize that more than ever after talking about it with him.

I guess it's time to move on.

Oh, and I did get my book back...

I Hope I Won't Regret This: Part 2

So.  I'm running up to my room to finish getting ready for our family Hanukkah party.  I walk into my room and see a missed call. 

It's a number I don't recognize.  Normally, I wouldn't call them back unless they left me a voicemail, but for some reason I didn't think and I jumped right on calling them back and finding out who it was.

Ring ring.  Ring ring.

Person on the other end: "Oh..Shit."

EB: "Hi I got a call from this number."

Person on other end: "Hi...It's LD." (The Let Down)

EB:" Oh..."

LD: "Yeah..."

EB:" Sorry, I wasn't expecting you to call..how are you?"

LD:"I'm good how are you?"

EB: "I'm fine. So this  book.  When can I get it?"

So the conversation goes we figure out a day that works- tomorrow.  He says that he thought he was going to miss me and that I'd have already gone back to EL, that he just now got a chance to check my email that I wrote a couple days ago.  He says he'll call me tomorrow, but if I need to call him the number he called from is his cell.  The end.

So I think...

I hang up only to notice I just received a voicemail.  He must have been leaving it while I was calling him.

The voicemail is the main attraction, let me tell you- it goes like this:

Hey EB, it's LD.  I hope you're not back in EL but I just now got to check your email on my roommate's computer.  You know... I really wish you weren't mad at me..I can't even recall why you were mad at me in the first place.  We just need to talk and shit because I hate having someone like you on my angry list- so stop being angry- alright call me back.  Later.

Wow.  WOW!

So lets recap:  We were best friends, almost too close.  He lived with his parents still (a grown man, mind you).  He had a girlfriend who was complete trash, who just got out of jail, and also lived with her parents (grown woman).  I go away to school so sad to leave my best behind.  We write to each other and hang out a couple times when I come home.  Then he stops talking to me.  Ditch's me when we plan to hang out.  When I confront him about it he tells me that we basically can't be friends, that I need a fresh slate at school, and, "But I mean, if you're going to call me all crying and shit like you're going to kill yourself, of course i'll  be there for you."  Thus our friendship ended when I texted him have a good life- and he responded- "If it makes you feel any better, no one came to the ceremony, it was at the courthouse," which meant he married the girlfriend.

It's  been a year and 4 months since I've seen him last.  A year and 3 since we've last talked and ended our friendship.

I don't know what to think about tomorrow, yet I can't get it off my mind...

Some Reviews

Yesterday my family and I fulfilled our yearly Christmas tradition of seeing a movie and eating Chinese food- if you know of my hometown, you'd know this is what every single Jewish family does on Christmas Eve/ Christmas.  Not only did I see a movie with my family, but I also went to my best friend's to exchange gifts and then a group of us went to a different movie.

That's right- two movies in one day.  So, here are my reviews- I'll try not to spoil anything from either film.

Gran Torino

Directed by: Clint Eastwood

Screenplay: Nick Schenk

Story by: Nick Schenk and Dave Johannson

Let me just start by saying that Clint Eastwood is bad ass.  Not only is he an amazing actor- but he also directs, produces, writes, composes, and does still photography.  He is a triple threat times two.

I'm shocked and surprised that this film doesn't have more hype around it. I went in expecting something great, and what I got was nothing short of fantastically spectacular.  Films can go two different ways- they can move with dialogue, or they can move with action.  This film- did both, keeping the audience completely intact on the way.  The dialogue in this movie was brilliant.  I was not disappointed with one line of the film.  In addition, you can tell that Nick Schenk really knew these characters he was writing- they leapt out of the actors and took over the film.  There was so much conviction and motivation behind almost every single one of them (however, there was one part where the young boy that played Tao was extremely unconvincing, but we'll let it slide).  Not only was the dialogue, and characters amazing, but the plot and story was well thought out, and easily conveyed through the other elements of the film.

Most of the movie had me in fits of laughter- dark comedy like.  The end of the film had me in a puddle of tears- and kept me thinking about the film the rest of the day.

I'm giving it a 9.5/10- It's now on my favorite movie list.

Doubt

Directed by: John Patrick Shanley

Play by: John Patrick Shanley

Adapted Screenplay by: John Patrick Shanley

As you can see from above, John Patrick Shanley wrote Doubt as a one act play.  He then adapted it for screen, in which he directed his own movie.  In my opinion, very few writers can get away with this, and he is not one of them.  This being because when you write something for entertainment either on screen or stage, you have to completely throw yourself in the work.  It is very difficult to see something you've completed in a new light, and try to change it for screen.

This film was really disappointing.  The content and the idea for the film are both great.  However, the film seriously lacked...something.  For one, it dragged on.  This would be expected though when adapting a ONE ACT (shorter version of a play) to a feature length film.  For two, the plot was very muffled, probably because of the slowness of the film.  Nothing really builds in the film, yet all of the sudden you're at the climax, wondering- when did this happen? Did I fall asleep?

I will say, the acting was impeccable.  Meryl Streep really did scare me.  Amy Adams, although she seems to always play a similar character, did a great job of being frightened of Streep, and conveying her emotions.  The children in the film also did well.  I also really liked the content of the film, because it was good for dinner table discussions.

The ending of the movie, didn't bother me, per say, but I felt like I wasn't watching a film, but rather an over the top play.  It actually reminded me of when I was in a play, Quiet in the Land, my freshman year of high school- if that says anything for it.

As for the nitty gritty stuff- they used some really great camera angles- however, in areas of the film where they didn't go with what was happening in the movie.  The lighting was dramatic where it needed to be, and the weather worked right with the character's emotions.

There's a scene where Streep and Philip Seymour Hoffman are in a screaming fight- you hear a loud storm in the  background.  However, as soon as they calm down, the storm is suddenly gone.  It reminded me too much crappy high school theatrical effects, almost.

I think John Patrick Shanley could have done so much more with it had he had someone else adapt it for screen, and someone else direct it.  He should just stick to theatre.

I'm giving it a 5.8/10- probably wouldn't see it again.

When The Brother is in Town, Shit Will go Down

If you didn't know, I have an older Brother. We'll call him BPhil (no his name is not Phil, it just works as a nickname). Well my brother lives year round in London, working for a marketing company, and completing his masters at the London School of Economics. The last time BPhil was home was over a year ago.

Needless to say, a lot has happened over the year. For one, apparently our relationship went from a passionate hatred of sibling rivalry to a friendly brother/sister type...thing, I guess.

Normally we would never exchange gifts, so when I did my holiday shopping I only bought for my parents and Penny.

Well, BPhil arrived last night with gifts in tow for everyone, including me. I received a lovely LSE T-Shirt in which he guessed my size impeccably.

Today I was talking with my mother and told her I needed a gift idea for him, in which I'd go get on Friday, and give to him at the family Hanukkah party that evening.

My mother was quick to tell me that he is in desperate need of cologne, for he has been using his roommates for the past month. Perfect! I thought. I decided to go scope out his things and see if I could find even an empty bottle he might have brought with him in hopes of getting the last drop of cologne.

First I checked the bathroom- no luck, only his tooth brush and his deodorant resided there.

In a brave step, I decided to check BPhil's bedroom, I mean, he hasn't even unpacked yet, right? (Of course he wasn't home when I was doing this, I'm not that sneaky)

I walk into his room and first check the desk- nothing.

His suitcase was lying out open on the floor- I went to go stand over it and take a peak when something screamed out at me.

A lovely little travel box of Trojan Condoms was staring straight at me.

In a quick moment I ran out of his room, down the stairs and confronted my mother.

"Mom, maybe it's best if you just ask BPhil what he wears, and I'll get him whatever cologne he says."


Now, BPhil is almost 25 years old. It's kind of expected, and I'm pleased that he's safe about it...but come on- right on top in his suitcase?!


Merry Christmas Eve to me.

What Happens After High School

It's so weird how people change after high school. Yet, around Christmas, we all act as if it never happened- as if we never just up and left our lives in our hometowns and went away to university- this will be the second year of that for me.

For me, college couldn't have come soon enough. The friends I have that went to my high school I didn't really become friendly with until I was in college. I mean of course there's the select 3 that are my best friends, whom I've known the longest. Other than that though, I was never real close with anyone.

Being home what else is there to do than see those people. Than learn about their new lives and see how much they've really changed. Not everyone changes in a mental or emotional way though- some changes are more physical.

Me for example- most don't know about 'the surgery' I had after graduation, before college.

A good friend of mine just had a 'surgery' of her own. I must say she looks amazing. It's weird how her life is going to change so much now, not just because of the surgery itself, but mostly just from the extreme amount of confidence that accompanies it.

I'm not condoning plastic surgery (although I pretty much am) but those are the kinds of things that happen after high school, after all those awkward stages, and all.


Change- sometimes it's just strange to think about.

Home is Where the Crazy Is

It would seem I can't get through even one day of being home without fighting with my mother. I love her to death but we both have our resentments.

My relationship with my mother is that of a middle school style friendship. We fight all of the time, but we're best friends.

However, when I come home, a lot of the times I feel like her slave. She sees it as I'm being lazy, but I don't think it's really necessary for me to have to go into a different room just to change the channel for her. She's very well capable.

She's already pretty much told me to go back to MSU. Yeah. Ridiculous.

Lets just hope I get through this week without us killing each other.

Writing Reality, Not a Script

Once I was sitting in the library cafe, and these guys were sitting behind me.  I kept catching bits and pieces from their conversations and let me tell you- they were quite ridiculous.

One of the guys was in a relationship.  His issue was should he call the girl because he knew if he didn't he'd get in trouble with her, however, he really didn't feel like talking to her.

The friend was being a total 'bro', if you will.  "Dude, don't call her.  Or call her really late at night after she went to sleep so she won't want to talk to you."

After he finally called her, they continued on with conversation.

The guy with the girlfriend started to tell his friend an elaborate story, in which he obviously put a lot of effort into constructing to make it seem witty and great.

After this guy tells his extremely long story, his friend turns to him and says, "So, I have this problem where I don't listen when people talk, seriously, its been going on forever, ever since I was a little kid.  My teachers and parents would always get so mad, but they knew I couldn't help it.  So, What did you say?"

It's things like this that I need to look for in conversation in order to make my writing more real.  Sometimes I feel like everything I write is so over-scripted.  Of course I'm not just talking about blogging, but the screenplays I am working on as well.

It's hard to always keep these little conversations I overhear in mind while writing, and I find myself going back, over, and over, and over again changing things to make it seem more real.

A Post In Response to a Reader and an Evening of, Well...I Don't Know.

Part A:

Jest (who's blog is AMAZING by the way)  wanted to know why I think NNBoy is a player.  So I thought I'd address that because, as she pointed out, I did mention that before.

The reason I believe this is for a couple reasons.

1.  He's the kind of guy who throws out these wonderful lines that you only hear in movies, to make you (me) feel amazing.  Which got me to thinking- he's way too good at this.

2. The night that NNBoy came to my apartment party he got pretty drunk.  Of course, me being semi-sober, I thought it was a great idea to encourage him to keep drinking.  Well in leu of that, he was unable to even read his text messages- in which he asked me to read one of his.  NNBoy has a fancy phone.  The kind that shows you not only the text in which he received, but the string of texts pertaining to that particular one.

I got to not only read that he is using the same material with some other girl, but also that she might be coming up for a visit and they are planning to see a film together.  Of course I jokingly told him "Wowwwww NNBoy I see you use that line often."  In which he responded- "What?  I mean, she's just this girl  thats been blowing me off and stuff- She offered to pay for a movie so I accepted, thats all- how do I know that you don't have a string of guys that you talk to..etc. etc."

3. Everytime I brought it up- you know, that he's at "playa status" he wouldn't deny it- he would just say something along the lines of "like your phone isn't blowing up from thousands of guys"

4.  He's admitted to the fact that his best friend truly is a player.

To be quite honest- none of this matters to me.  We just met.  I'm trying my hardest not to fall too hard for the kid, and knowing that he could be a player is helping me to keep my guard up a bit.

Part B:

It's funny that Jest has asked about him because tonight him and I hung out.

I had baked cookies today, so I brought over a tupperware of some.

EB: "Hey.  I brought you a present"

NNBoy: "Oh yeah?  Oh..I'm so full"

EB:  "Okay...well eat them later then"

No "thank you for the cookies"- Nothing.

The rest of the night wasn't any better.  It consisted of us 'jokingly' fighting/picking on each other back and fourth.  Unlike most of the times we hung out, he wouldn't cuddle with me.  When I jokingly tackled him he wouldn't kiss me, and when I threatened to leave he didn't care.

I mean, yes, we were joking.  However, if I wanted to be jokingly insulted half the night, I would have called my brother and had a lovely conversation with him.

I finally told him I was leaving and got up.  I told him he might want to come lock the door after me and his response was "I'm not going to get up only so you can come back in here 3 minutes later."

That did it.  He challenged me- I had to.  I left his apartment, left the apartment complex, and drove a couple miles down the road to a friends place in which I spent the night with 4 of my film club guys goofing off, drinking beers, and watching films.

I must say I enjoyed myself much more with them than with him.  Oh, and also- they showed COMPLETE appreciation for the cookies I brought them.

I didn't want to end the night with NNBoy on a bad note so I texted him "Have a good Christmas, see you after the holiday."

His response: "I don't chase if that's what you thought would happen but thanks you too"

My response: "I didn't.  I went out.  Thanks."

I don't like playing games, and I'm not going to put up with someone if I don't think they want me there.

I would, however, like to know what my readers would have done given the same situation.  Was I too harsh?  Did I get my point across?  Do you think NNBoy will ever want to see me again?

How do You Open Up?

So, I realized that I never followed up on here on what's going on with new neighbor boy and I.  I named him Kris but I think I'm going to change it to just NNBoy (new neighbor boy).

We hung out pretty much all week.  And yes, I finally did kiss him... and then some.

The thing about him is, I know he definitely could possibly be a player.  Boys got game.  However, I think I'm starting to really like him.

The whole thing that happened with Ex-Boy the other night (read: a couple posts down) was really me just trying to protect myself from getting hurt by NNBoy- which obviously backfired since nothing actually happened with Ex-Boy.

How do you let yourself open up and trust someone when you've never had it work out before?

It's about that time

It's December 20th.  Christmas is only days away, and the other holidays will come up quite quickly.

In leu of this, I believe it is about that time for this post.  You know, the one about being alone at the holidays.

You see, this is nothing new for me.  I've never been in a relationship during the holidays.  I've never had a boyfriend at Valentine's day (aside from ex-boy who didn't even wish me a happy v-day, let alone take me out).

I'm used to being alone for this.  Usually they are just very festive days of sitting around, bored, watching crappy holiday movies.  Christmas is especially boring considering I'm not christian.

As much as I'm used to this, I have to admit- it still bothers me.  I hate waking up, knowing I will have nothing to do, no one to wrap their arms around me and wish me a happy holidays.

I've learned to depend entirely on blockbuster, chinese food, and my parents.

Lucky for me, this year I have an addition- Penny.  I wonder if dogs really do make good SO* substitutes?

I guess we'll find out.

Ughhh roomies.

I'm getting to the point that my roommates are driving me crazy.

Maybe staying up in E.L over break was a bad idea.  It's just too much time spent together with opposing personalities.

Case A:

Roomie A is a very argumentative person.  Anything I say, he has to refute, even if I say the sky is blue.  After awhile, it makes me insane.

Case B:

Roomie B has a very large movie collection.  However he won't let anyone borrow any of his movies.  Understandable...however, I live in his apartment- if I stole one of his movies, it would be one room over.  I don't see the big deal.  To me that's just him trying to be a douchebag.

I need to get out of here.

This Ship is Shipping On

Today is a new milestone in my life.

Last night we had a little party.  Drunken EB decided to invite over Ex-Boy.

I guess I wasn't really expecting him to show up, but he did.  The party went on.  Nothing really happened, and then it was time for bed.  Throughout all of mine and Ex-Boy's relationship when we were dating I was living in the dorms.  Thus, I would always go to his place and sleep in his bed, not the other way around because I had a roommate.

Last night was the first night that he's ever slept in my bed with me.

If you'd ask me last night before bed if I was going to hook up with my ex, I'm pretty sure the answer would sound something like this, "Ummm, yahhh, wanna shot?!"

However, once we got into bed, something just didn't feel right.  He put his arm around me and we started  to spoon, but even that didn't feel as comfortable and safe as I remember it.  Slowly his arm relaxed away from me, probably when he realized that I wasn't going to make the first move.  We drifted off to  sleep, an entire foot between us.

Early this morning he woke up and left to go to work.  I laid in bed and thought about how I was happy nothing happened.  How I really wasn't as comfortable with him as I used to be.

I think I have finally gotten over Ex-Boy...

..and it feels damn good.

Time to move on, or as one of my favorite music artists (Mirah) would say, "This ship is shipping on".

Another List

Things to do over break

1. Alcohol test online

2. Clean bathroom

3. Clean ceiling fan

4. vacuum bedroom

5. scrub down kitchen/floor

6. vacuum family room

7. dust

8. buy books

9. sell back books

10. return blockbuster movies

Oh boy.

Oh gosh.

Everything is bad.

This kid is actually really cool and I'm trying really hard not to fall for him, because he very well could be a player.

With that said, tonight was fun.  We cuddled and watched all of Entourage season 1 together- no kissing- I followed my rules.

However, I came home to a facebook "poke".  I think pokes are stupid- I don't really understand them.  But this one was the worst because of who it was from...

Ex-Boy.

All of the sudden?  Yeah, I don't get it either.

Date to come

There are a lot of little quirks about me that are sometimes hard to justify, yet, I do my best.

One being my inability to stick to what I say, mainly speaking about conversing with Ex-Boy. Yeah, remember that resolution? I've failed already. I found myself instant messaging him out of boredom. But I do realize this must stop.

It can't be healthy to let this one 8 month relationship to extend awkwardly for over a year. At some point one must move on. That point is now.

The new neighbor guy- Lets call him... ohh Kris? Yes, Kris. Well, Kris and I are going to have a stay-in date tonight. It will consist of season 1 of Entourage, and that's it.

I'm setting rules for myself this time. I've jumped into this kind of thing before, going way too fast, and we all know how that turned out (read: Neighbor boy [the original]).

Rule 1: I've just met this guy, therefore there is no reason to kiss him just yet. That would be moving too fast. No matter how much I want to.

Rule 2: No sleeping over. I don't care if my bed gets lit on fire and his bed is the only one available, and he offers to sleep on the couch- NO SLEEPING OVER.

Rule 3: I'm getting to know him. Thus meaning, I don't know him. No letting my guard down.

Rule 4: The second I find out he's a player, I'm done. I've had enough of those and look where it's gotten me (read: Ex boy, The Let Down, Neighbor boy, Summer Filing)

I know this sound ridiculous- but if I don't set these rules for myself, it'll just end badly.

Post on date 1 to come tomorrow.

What Other Kind of Trouble can I get Myself Into?

Hmm.  Where to start, where to start?

Well, it is now winter break.  I was home for a day or two, just to get my beloved laptop fixed and pick up my pup.  Last night I decided to make the venture back up to East Lansing with the darling Penny Lane.  It was snowing, wet, and rainy.  Not fun.

I pulled up to my apartment around 6:45-7ish.  I brought penny up to my room then went back down to carry all of my stuff, which I had a lot because of Penny's crate.  When I got up there I opened the door and the two roommates that are still here were setting up for a party.  Great, I thought, this is going to be stressful.

As I was unloading my car, another car pulled up and parked next to mine.  A guy got out of it...a cute guy.  He started to walk inside but then turned back around.  "Hey, do you need help carrying anything?"

I have to say...I was shocked.  It's not often that guys pull a gentleman move on me.  At first I said no, but before he walked away I changed my mind and said yes.  Penny's crate is a bitch to carry up 3 flights of stairs, afterall.

So we chit chatted for a minute as we carried my stuff up.  When we got to my door I opened it, he came in to put penny's crate down, and I introduced him to the roomies, and invited him to the party (completely not expecting him to come).

Somewhere in between all of this I found out he's my neighbor...great.  ANOTHER neighbor boy.  We won't give him a name yet because we don't know where this will go.

Lets just say, he spit some mad game, but I resisted.  I've made that mistake once already.  I did, however, give him my number.

Oh and also-  the original Neighbor Boy came over to the party because my dumb ass roommate decided to invite him.  I was on the new guy's team and he was on a team with one of my friends.  Let me tell you- the two neighbor boys were going at it- verrrrry competitive.

Fuck. My. Life.

The Irony is Killing me Slowly

This is creepy.

A friend was over tonight and we got to 'girl talking' about our exes and such.  She asked me about how long it has been since any physical contact with Ex-Boy.

I really wasn't sure so I got on my trusty facebook to look up my past events.  I knew it was the night of Tour De Franzia.

I found it and it just so happened to be exactly 3 months ago from today, around right now.

Right as I told her that I get an instant message on my iChat.

Who is it from? Ex-boy.

I had a quote up as my away message from my favorite book, Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk.

Ex Boy: Weird away message

Me: How so?

Ex Boy's away message:  DD for the night

Me: Anyhow, it's a quote from a chuck palahniuk book

Ex Boy: Who's that?

Me: he wrote the book Fight Club and Choke

Ex Boy: Ah nice.  Brb DD time

So he was obviously sober.  What, after all of this time made him decide to make contact?

Sometimes, I hate how ironic my life has become.

I get myself in trouble

The thing about hanging out with all guys is that I forget that, in reality, I'm not just one of the guys.

I am a girl.  A girl who finds some of her guy friends attractive.  When the liquid courage is flowing and I'm basking in the fact that I'm hanging out with a bunch of attractive guys and I'm the only girl, I forget that most of them don't look at me like that.  Rather, just one of the guys with my own little quirk (mine just happens to be that I'm female).

Don't get me wrong- obviously, based on what happened in leu of our winning the film competition, some of them don't just look at me as one of the boys.

But for the most part, that's how it goes.

Although it'd be nice to say- yeah I get to hang out with all of these guys and they all want me; I can't.

And you know what?  I think I'm okay with that.

Sometimes it's nice to just hang out with the opposite sex with no sexual tension in the way.

Go Red Wings!

The city of Detroit always provides me with the best stories.

So, instead of doing what everyone else at MSU is doing right now, which is studying like crazy for finals, I agreed to accompany my friend, Koz, to the Red Wings Game tonight (last night?).

My schedule for today was- wake up, miss blowing, be hysterical, talk to probation, calm down, go home, go to the wings game, go get food, come back to MSU, and work 3-7 AM.

Not much time for anything remotely resembling sleep.

~~~~~~~~~

Koz and I meet up and we drive to Detroit (the Joe Louis Arena) for the game.  For some reason, probably because I've only ever been to a wings game when I was little, I didn't think the JL Arena was in D-twon.  But it is.

So we took the People mover to the arena from where we parked (the ren center).

~~~~~~~~~~

Before we went, Koz had told me our seats are a surprise- knowing Koz I knew this either meant they were really really good, or really really bad.  Well I was lucky- they were really really good.

We were sitting in section 114 (ground section) row 3 (right  behind the goalie) seats 5 and 6.  AMAZING seats.  My pictures turned out awesome.  Not to mention the wings kicked ass- won 4 to 3 in OVERTIME!

~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the game it's time to try and find our way out of the madness.  First we wait in a ridiculous line for the people mover.  Bad idea.  After thinking about it thoroughly we decide to walk aimlessly around detroit trying to navigate to the Ren Center from Joe Louis.  Not very easy, let me tell you.

We end up deciding to walk through Cobo (some big building in D-Town).  While we are walking a man approaches us.  Of course, he is one of Detroit's finest (a bum). 

Bum:  Everyone needs to get one of these! (holds toothpick up with a little american flag attached)

Koz: (being the sweet guy he is) Thanks!

Bum:  want to make a donation to the vets now?

Koz: I only have a 20 on me

Bum: I have change

Koz: give me 15 back. (bless his soul)

Bum: wanna give me another 5 dollars for your wife?

Me: I don't need a flag, thanks.

So within the course of five minutes Koz got conned into giving this bum 5 dollars.  And we apparently pulled off the married look.  Cute.

We then decided the whole walking idea was, in fact, a bad idea.  So we hopped on the People mover at Cobo.  Finally made it to the car after getting lost inside the ren center, then grabbed a bite to eat at Denny's.

~~~~~~~~~~~

After all of that I drove back to Lansing.  I'm surprised I didn't get into an accident or pulled over considering I was pretty much falling asleep at the wheel.  I had to pull over a couple times to regain my composure.  It was a stressful drive.

The game, however, was totally worth it!

Things To Look Forward To

-Wings game

-The holidays

-Winter break in general

-Pistons game (?)

-New Years

-New classes

-January 19th

-January 29th

-London/Paris in the spring

-April 14th

Lets Compete

I have a vice that I need to overcome.  I've been doing this for as long as I can remember.  I have no idea where it came from and why I continue to think this way, but I do.  It needs to stop.

I've noticed that I'm a very competitive person.  Sometimes this is okay.  However, I find myself  being competitive in situations where there is no need for competition.

For example-

1. School

I do this in classes.  I constantly compare myself to others.  I look at their grades and if they do better, I get angry.  No matter who studied more, no matter who understands the material better, I get mad.

2. Acting

As you all know, in recent weeks I've gotten pretty into film club which has revived my passion for acting.  FA is also very much into acting so when I found out about different auditions I'd let him know about them.  Well, I've started realize how I'm secretly making every audition into a competition.  He may not know it, and even though it's impossible for us to be competing for roles (he's obviously male and I'm obviously female), I find myself in intense competition to do better than him.  I secretly hope he does poorly at all of his auditions and when it turns out opposite I get pissed off.

What is it about myself that makes me compare myself to others.  I've been doing this forever with my brother.  I constantly compare everything I've received in life to everything he ever got, which only leaves me coming up disappointed.

How do you change the way you think when it's all you've ever known?

How do you come to accept a change when you don't even know where your former behavior stems from?

Dinner for Two

With courtesy to www.allrecipes.com roomie and I made a beautiful dinner for ourselves.

"Herb Risotto"

Ingredients

• 3 tablespoons canola oil
• 3 tablespoons butter
• 1 cup trimmed, diced fennel bulb
• 1 red bell pepper, diced
• 1 yellow onion, diced
• 3 cloves garlic, minced
• 3 tablespoons chopped fresh mint, divided
• 3 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley, divided
• 2 tablespoons chopped fresh rosemary, divided
• 2 teaspoons grated lemon zest, divided
• 1/2 teaspoon ground coriander
• 1 1/2 cups uncooked Arborio rice
• 1/2 cup dry white wine
• 3 1/2 cups chicken stock
• salt and pepper to taste
• 1 1/2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
• 1/3 cup grated Parmesan cheese

Directions

1. Heat oil and butter in a medium heavy saucepan over medium heat. Add fennel, bell pepper, onion, garlic, 1 1/2 tablespoons mint, 1 1/2 tablespoons parsley, 1 tablespoon rosemary and 1 teaspoon lemon zest. Saute, stirring, until vegetables are slightly softened (about 2 to 3 minutes).

2. Stir in coriander and rice and saute, stirring, until rice grains are oil-coated (about 3 minutes). Pour in wine and stock and reduce heat to medium low. Simmer uncovered for 20 to 25 minutes, or until liquid is almost absorbed and rice is tender but firm. (Note: Stir once or twice while simmering.)

3. Remove pan from heat and season with salt and pepper to taste. Stir in remaining mint, parsley, rosemary and lemon zest, then add lemon juice and cheese. Cover saucepan with waxed paper and let stand 8 to 10 minutes before serving.

This dinner turned out AMAZING.  Leave it to the roomies to cheer me up after a stressful week :)

Too much on the mind

I think it's about time to get serious about school.

I only have one more final that actually matters, and that is to take place Tuesday evening.

I kind of wish I didn't have a month off from school because I feel like school would take my mind off of all the things bothering me.

Here's the list:

1. Contact with 'The Let Down'

2. The crush I have on FA that I can't seem to shake.

3. Still find myself talking to Ex-Boy

4. Auditions gone awry

5. Auditions I thought I did well at and obviously didn't

I just feel kind of down.  I like the feeling of new classes and completely throwing myself into them.

I know that as soon as my finals are done I'm going to do a deep clean of the apartment, so that should take my mind off of things for, ohh, about a day or two.  What to do for the rest of the month I have off?

Star Status

Lets face it.  When it came to acting in high school I never really had that confidence that probably would have helped me nail every audition.

After doing well in the 48/5, however, I'm feeling that "I'm awesome" feeling.  I don't think it has quite crossed over to cocky yet (although I did make a paparazzi joke in reference to me arriving at a party today) and I'm hoping it never does.

I had two auditions this past week.  One was for a film for an MSU film seminar class.  I think I did well- got a lot of laughs (the roles I auditioned for were comedic).

The other was a for a filmmakers club film being made, of which I really think I nailed.

Two conclusions I've come to:

1.  Confidence makes all the difference- The fact that I'm the only girl in Film Club helps because I get a lot more attention than I'm used to.

2. Acting for film is so much easier than acting on stage-  Stage acting is over dramatized and I always felt like when I auditioned for a stage production I had to a. overact and b. be as 'different' from the others as possible.  With film everything is on much more of a 'real' scale.  No overacting, really, and you don't worry so much about being different from the other auditionees but rather conveying the right emotions.

Lets hope that I get a part in either one.  I'd be happy with either.

And now...I must return to the dreaded accounting- which I only have to worry about for 4 more days before it's out of my life FOREVERRRRR!

A Dream...A really really annoying dream.

Have you ever woken up from a dream and just thought t yourself- "I hate my  mind for letting me dream that?"

This just happened to me.  Literally, like 10 minutes ago.  I had to go do a PBT this morning so when I came back I went back to sleep for a couple hours because I am exhausted.

Well in this course of a couple hours I dreamt this-

I was with my parents and Ex-Boy showed up (in whom my parents actually like in the dream- and they kind of liked him in real life.. weird.)  So Him and I start talking and we end up kissing.  I kind of tell him something like, "Maybe I'll see you tomorrow."  He's actually down for it.  So it's all set to see him tomorrow.

All of the sudden I end up at a Rite-Aid.  I'm shopping for make up and apparently they sold fashion boots there, in my dream, so I was shopping for those too.  They didn't have my size however so my Mom, who was with me, told me to call their hotline.  I called and they never actually helped me, which was fine, cause I forgot about it.

At one point a women came and was helping me and then she was locking up the store so we all left behind her.

Cut to a situation in which I have NO CLUE how I got there, how it came about, etc.  I'm at 'The Let Down's' house.  It's him, I, his *cringes* wife, his mother, some male family members, my mother, etc.  It would seem we were celebrating something that reminded me of a superbowl.

Some people leave and it turns into a murder scene.  There's a killer going around killing people.  So some of the people go for help (I think LD went to go get help but I'm not sure).  I come around the corner of the hallway to the family room only to find LD's wife getting her throat slit.  I try to stop the killer but can't, so I take their mask off.  It was some girl whom I can't remember he significance in the dream.  She ends up leaving.  I try to save LD's wife but it's too late.

Now everyone for the most part is back.  It's almost as if they forgot about LD's wife, or they don't care, like it's no big deal.  He didn't seem to care either.  He's in his room and I go in.  We start to have a serious talk about the past.  Sometime between this and us being in the hallway together we decide we need to be together.  We need to be in a relationship.

We kiss, we hug, we become inseparable.  We tell EVERYONE how happy we are and that we decided to be together.  I tell my mom, and she's very wary of it.  Then I tell her that we are in a relationship, deal with it, and we'll be getting married...

In the dream I change my  FACEBOOK RELATIONSHIP STATUS (SO LAME) to in a relationship.  However I strictly remember LD's last name from the dream and it's not his real last night.  In the dream it was something like 'EB is now in a relationship with LD Libb.  It was either Libb or Libby, but it was so strange.

Cut to the bedroom.  We are laying together talking, happy as can be, and we decide, this is our happy ending.

Someone...Please please please interpret...

I'm not playing it, I AM it.

Does 'playing hard to get' really work?  I was 'reflecting', if you will, on old conversations I've had with people via email and facebook messages.  I got pretty far back, all the way into the beginnings of Ex-Boy and I's first 'date' after the hookup.  When I was reading our messages, I couldn't help but think of how disinterested I sounded with him.  I just didn't seem to be that into him.

Truth is, in the beginning, I wasn't interested in him.  I was still hung up on 'The Let Down' and all I could think of was, what the hell does this kid have to offer.

I was totally playing Samantha on Sex and the  City- you know, how she's really only down for one night deals.  That's what I though Ex Boy was going to be.

It would also seem that the fact that I was so disinterested in Ex-Boy is what kept the conversation flowing.  The more I made excuses not to hang out or broke plans or whatever, the more he kept asking me out, and kept saying all the cute things that would have made me smitten when I wanted him back oh so much after the break up.

I'm starting to truly think that the independent women, the disinterested women, the girl who isn't really 'playing' hard to get, but rather the one that is hard to get, is the girl guys are interested in.

What's so attractive about disinterest?

It rings true both ways, it would seem.  The more I try to make plans with FA that don't work out, the more I want to snag him.

What do you think?

I miss him

You don't realize how much a person has broken you until you're in retrospect.  When I received 'The Let Down's' response via email, I came to tears.  Not because it was mean or anything, just because I never realized how broken I really am because of him.

He broke my heart.  He did.  And now we're emailing. 

I feel relieved, upset, sad, scared, and nervous all at once.

We are to meet up around Christmas and I'll get my book.  Maybe then, once and for all, we can talk, and then... it will really  be over.  Because I can't have someone who broke my spirit soo much, in my life.  It isn't healthy.

As much as I love him and want him there...I can't.

I Hope I Won't Regret This

I don't know if I'm going to regret this or not, but I made contact with The Let Down.

It's been over a year since I've last talked to him.  I used to think about him every day.  After a couple months it became less and less frequent.  I still think about him from time to time but I know that what happened had happened for a reason.  I'm in a much better place- although I still seem to aim pretty low when it comes to men in my life.

He still has (hopefully) my book.  Franny and Zooey by: JD Salinger.  One of my favorite authors.  I really just want my book back.

My email to him was short, and sweet.  He most likely won't respond.  He definitely won't expect it.  Hell, I didn't even expect I'd be emailing him.  For some reason though, he came across my mind, like most things locked away in the confines of my mind do at 6 AM after being up for almost 24 hours.

Lets hope I get my book back over break.  That's all I can ask for...

This Could Get Interesting

Lets say I have an evil twin.  Lets also say this twin is somewhat of a make-out whore.

You see, on monday, in leu of celebration over winning the 48/5, as you already know, I got pretty drunk.  When I get as drunk as I got the evil twin tends to take over me.  And I tend to kiss more people than intended.

All would be fine, had there not been photographic evidence of both incidences.  Yes, I kissed FA... Apparently I also kissed, lets call him CS (costar, perhaps?).  Okay, it's way more than apparent, I think I knew what I was doing the whole time.  At least my twin knew what she was doing.

Normally this wouldn't matter.  However, I actually like FA, which makes me worried that I'm jeopardizing the possibilities I have with him.  I'm just hoping that he doesn't ever get hold of the photos.  Because not only would he see a cute make-out pic of us, but he'd also see one of CS and I.  

Did I mention that CS, FA, and I are all supposed to road trip together this break to our director's hometown to film some?

Like I said, this could get interesting...

Some Early Resolutions

Alright, I know it's a little early for this- but I have some I need to put out there right now to ensure a quality year next year.

Speaking of, it would seem that every year brings new challenges.  Last year was the 'Year of Sick'.  This year was the 'Year of Cops'.  Lets hope that next year will be the 'Year of Steamy Romance'.

Alright- now for these resolutions:

1. Get on top of school-

Study study study!  All 4.0s!

2. Stop talking to Ex-Boy.

It's getting ridiculous this coming and going act I keep putting myself through.  I need to cut that shit out for good.

3. Start being more forward with what I want with certain people 

(FA to be specific, if he's still around by then).

4. Get on top of my probation-

I have had too many close calls for my liking, whether it be forgetting to set an alarm, or drinking too much, even if I do stop before 10:30 pm.

5. Money management!

So self explanatory

A celibate life is a simple life

How forward does a girl have to be for a guy to understand that she's into him?  How many times does she have to ask him to a movie or to hang out or whatever for him to get the point?

I think I've showed enough interest, and it's time for me to take a hint now.

It's not that I don't think he's interested, because truly, I can't tell- I just think he might be a bit clueless, that's all.

One of my roommates keeps trying to help me with my game.  He pretty much sat with me and fed me what to say to FA to help him get the point.  We aren't sure that even worked!

This is just getting to be too much like a game for my liking.  I wish everything were simpler- I like you, I like you too, lets go out.

Starting now:  day 1 of celibacy.

Lets hope I can do this.

Awkwardddd

Thanksgiving.

Well, lets start with the fact that we combined it, like I said in my previous post.  There was about 30 some people there.  It was ridiculously busy.

Also, as soon as I walked in I got bombarded by my family about winning the 48/5- everyone was oh so excited.  They all gave me shit about the fingers thing too :-/  I guess that just comes with the territory.

Dinner ends.  We are all sitting around, and my deadbeat cousins decide to make an announcement...

They're pregnant..again.  Oh boy.  Everyone says, in their most un-excited expressions "congrats..."

It was awkward.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving has always been my all time favorite holiday.  If you couldn't tell from the week leading up to last year's Thanksgiving- I get really excited.

My whole life I would wake up in my bed and smell the turkey being made downstairs.  I'd rush down, peering into the dining room, only to see the most beautiful table set with our good China dishes and crystal glassware.  Off I'd be into the kitchen where my mom would be basting the Turkey and prepping to make the stuffing.  I'd flick on the Parade and we'd watch it as we'd prepare our feast.  My Aunt would head over around 10:30-11 ish and we'd all make my Great Grandmother's recipe for stuffing together.  My Aunt would prepare the chestnuts, I'd cut up the celery, and my mom would prepare the bread part.  We'd work all morning.  In the afternoon we would take a nap, and around 4:30 we'd start to get ready for the family.

As long as I can remember this has been my Thanksgiving day.  Around 20-30 people from my family would come and enjoy our feast with us.  When we were done we'd put away all the leftovers and head upstairs.  Around 2 AM my father and I would meet at the fridge and pig out on leftovers.

This year my family decided to change Thanksgiving.  A different Aunt of mine, who used to always have Thanksgiving with her husbands side of the family, is having it.  We, of course, are still making the stuffing...and the turkey, but my Aunt isn't coming in to help prepare, in fact, she isn't coming in at all.

It's going to be different.  It was already weird waking up, going downstairs, not seeing the table set, and leaving to go do a PBT at the police station.

I guess change is normal when you're in College.  It probably shouldn't faze me as much as it does.

Lets just hope Thanksgiving is still amazing.

Just a Thought

What is it about 'the chase'?  Why is it that we want what we can't have, but the second we find out it's not quite as unavailable as it seems, we've lost all interest?

These questions will probably haunt me for a very long time.  Prior to Ex Boy, this was an issue I possessed myself- in the worst possible ways.  Every guy that came my way- I'd lose interest as soon as I knew I could obtain them.  The Ex Boy was the only exception, and after a while, this issue rang true within him, hence the cheating, then the lousy break up.

I don't think I've gone back to my nasty ways, at least, I won't know if I have or not until there's  someone that is actually obtainable.  But I do notice it still with guys.  A LOT of guys are like this, too- Something about knowing you can't have something makes you want it more.

I guess I can't blame them.  Especially since I used to be like that.  I'm just getting so sick of playing this game all of the time- the game where, "I really want to text him- but I know I should wait 20 minutes so he wonders why I haven't texted him and then he'll want me more" monopolizes on my way of thought.

New philosophy.  If you want to talk to someone of interest- do it.  If you want to hang out with them, call them up and ask.  If you get turned down, take a hint.  But don't wait around thinking it makes you come off even more sexier.  If everyone stopped allowing all this chasing business to go one, finding a good relationship probably wouldn't be as difficult.

Just some food for thought.

8 Drinks Deep

My friends...are the best 'wing-girls' ever.

Last night, I brought my three friends (see halloween post) along with me to the premiere of our film.  When they got in the car I noticed they were all pretty trashed.  "Great!" I thought, "This is going to be fucked up."  I'm not going to lie, I was worried that they were  going to embarrass me, or seem annoying to my film club buddies.

Honestly, I had nothing to worry about.  Film club boys all loved them.

After we won we decided to take all our prize money and buy shit tons of alcohol.  We were on a mission to get wasted in celebration!

So we go to our trusty director's house.

I had 4 1/2 shots of Sambouka (I have no clue how to spell it), 2 shots of burnettes, a couple beers, and a mixed drink of captain and cider.  So, as I'm sure you can guess,  at the time I didn't fully appreciate how awesome my friends are at talking me up to, we'll call him, FA. 

Apparently they told him, "So many guys like EB" "She turns them all down, though"  "The guy she likes now is so so hot."

Who would have thought that would make FA interested? I didn't.  Apparently it did.  His response was, "Oh, really?!  Who is this guy. What's his name?!"

This altimately ended in a hallway-makeout session, in front of pretty much all of film club.

Way to go Wing-Girls.

I love my life.

A Treat

okay everyone- this is a once in the lifetime free pass into who I am.

Anonymity put aside.  Frankly, because I've worked realllly hard on this film...

and...

WE WON FIRST PLACE!!!!!  That's right.  First place in the 48/5- we are off now to the East Lansing Film Festival and the  Michigan Great Lakes Film Festival.

Enjoy this- cause I probably won't ever post it on here again!

'A Little Change'

I'm Late

Okay, I realize I'm a little late for it to still be considered the 23rd.  This whole blogging once a day, everyday business is harder than I thought it would be, especially with how busy this weekend has been.  I feel like the business doesn't even stop-

A recap:

Thursday night I went to see Twilight with a select few.  It was fun and I enjoyed the movie (I'm trying to be as careful with my words here about the movie as possible).

Friday started 48/5- we all met up that evening for a collaboration meeting in which we discussed ideas- I got to go to bed early cause I knew I'd be filming all day Saturday.

Like I said, all day Saturday was spent filming at a bakery.  I was in front of a camera for about 10 hours.  About 12 hours were spent in the actual bakery, and another 3 or 4 hours spent at our awesome director's house.

Sunday (today for me still) I woke up, hung around alllllll day doing nothing (such a nice feeling), went over to the director's house to see the closest thing to the final cut (they were still doing some editing for the premiere), and finally, went to dinner with Tricia.  I got a couple hours of sleep, and here I am, working away until 7 AM.

I. Am. Exhausted.

Tomorrow I have one class, then we have the premiere at 7 PM, we'll all probably go get dinner or something after to celebrate (lets hope we win!).

Tuesday I have two classes, then that evening I either have film club OR I have an audition for a film club movie (the audition is still tentative).

Wednesday morning I pack up and head home for my all time favorite holiday ever (just go read last year's Thanksgiving posts to get the point).

Thursday is Turkey Day!

Friday is shopping day!

Saturday and Sunday are both leftovers days.

As much as I love it all, it will be a relief when it's all over.

48/5 update.

Just in case any of those sneaky 48/5ers from other teams reads my blog, I'm not going to tell you the plot of our film.

I can say...it's going to be HILLARIOUS.   I would link it to youtube, but it could ruin the anonymity behind my blog.

I will also say, if you are really interested in seeing it, then comment my blog w/ your email, and I'll send you the youtube link.  However it probably won't be up on youtube until after Monday night.

We spent the whole day filming, and secured a bakery (Which we are pretty sure no other groups would be able to surpass the limits we broke).  We literally worked all day- from about 9 AM til 10 PM.

I must say, I absolutely love film acting.  It's so much more subtle and it doesn't have to be so over the top like stage acting is.

I also have to say it was definitely nice hanging out with about 12 guys ALL day.  Neither of the other two girls came so it was just me and a bunch of dudes.  I just can't wait to see the results of the film completely edited with the music put in and all.

Film Film Film

Today has been hectic, to say the least.  The day is finally here; the 48/5 competition started tonight.  Prior to that, though, I had a class (in which I had an accounting project due), then I had an audition (which was for another film club movie).  I felt pretty busy... and pretty cold!  All of the sudden it was 25 degrees out today!  I can't stand Michigan weather.

Tomorrow will be psychotic, to say the least.  I'll have to get up at 5 to call and see if I have to blow, then at 8 AM we are meeting to start filming.  The boys are doing all the writing tonight; should be done by 3 AM.

The one thing I noticed when we had our collaboration meeting just now, was how much of a 'guys thing' film is.  I definitely had to work hard to voice my opinions in a way that made sure they were heard.

With that said, tonight was a ton of fun.  Our group has about 12 people in it, only 3 of which are female.  We got our required dialogue, location, and prop:

Line of dialogue- "I've lost my mitten"

Location- Bakery

Prop- box of hair dye

We came up with some pretty great things incorporating it all.  What's nice is that it doesn't have to focus on these things, they can just be in the background.

I probably won't get much sleep this weekend, so I'm going to take advantage of an early night tonight and hit the sack.

Night Blogging world!

First Day

Today I will be writing based off of a prompt for One-Minute Writer again.  The prompt says: describe a first day.

My first day at MSU was one of the most bitter sweet moments in my life... at the time.  It was before 'The Let Down' (see label for old posts of 'The Let Down') actually let me down.  I woke up at 7 AM that morning, although I'm pretty sure I never really slept the night prior.  The car was already packed from the night before because my Dad couldn't move me in, so his job was to make sure we were completely ready to leave in the morning.  I was stressed, like really stressed.  The last thing I wanted to do was to go to school and leave behind the bar I was working at that summer and, of course, I didn't want to put distance between me and The Let Down (lets just call him LD).  I drove my little red cutlass while my mom followed me to LD's house.  He came outside and I got out of the car.  It was pretty much ritual that whenever we drove together in my car I would make him drive and I'd play ipod DJ.

The whole car ride there we talked about everything, as always.  About college, about his past, about his trashy girlfriend; everything.  LD said, "I was thinking, you know, I'm no good with talking on the phone, so I thought, maybe we could write to each other?"  It was like he read my mind.  There was one thing I specifically remember asking him as we were driving to East Lansing.  I looked at him (as always, with admiration) and said, "LD, can we just run away to California?  Fuck MSU, lets just go."  He just looked at me and said, "EB, you need to get away to College, you need MSU.  You'll be fine."  Little did I know that he was foreshadowing the fact that only about a month later he was going to end our friendship.

****

When I got to school I checked in while my mother and LD parked the cars.  We unpacked all of my stuff.  LD set up my printer, and then my roommate finally showed up.  Oh man.  Her first impression was great.  I thought we were going to be best of friends because we were so similar.  Later, it turned out our similarities were the biggest weakness in our friendship, but this isn't about that, it's about my first day.  After I unpacked everything LD, my mother, and I went to lunch.  It was quite lovely, really.  LD got up to go to the bathroom and my mother told me that in their short car ride/walk from parking the cars LD raved about me, about how special I was to him, what a good friend I was.  This still makes no sense to me.

****

I was dreading what was to come next after our lunch.  It was time for them to drop me off and say goodbye.    I went with them to pick up the other car and LD and I drove my car to drop me off at the dorm.  Tears filled my eyes and I had a large lump in my throat, preventing me from doing any speaking.  I remember swallowing hard and catching my breath in order to say goodbye.  LD looked at me and told me, "Don't even worry, you'll be home on most weekends!  And we're going to write to each other."  He gave me one last hug goodbye.  I told him I'd be home in two weeks and we'd have to hang out.  I got out of the car, and as I walked to the door of my dorm  I turned my head over my right shoulder and took one last look at LD.  Right as I did this he yelled, as loud as he could, out my window, "I love you!  Have fun!"  I smiled, and responded, "I will."  He drove off, and I walked inside.

My Mother is Crazy...and I'm Running Out of Time, Apparently

There will be two topics in today's discussion, class. First one being the fact that my biological clock is ticking.

In my head, I know that this is a ridiculous statement. I know that I am young, and I have TONS of time before I need to find the man of my dreams (read: the poor schmuck who ends up marrying me). However, it's difficult to keep this in mind when, literally, 6 of my friends/people I knew in high school have gotten engaged in the past 3 months. That's right. 6 people, all of whom have only been out of high school, at the most, 4 years. This is scary for me. At my age, my mother and father had already met and were engaged.

They say that this is the time in your life when, physically, your body is looking for a mate. You appear more attractive, you peak, sexually, and emotionally, that's what most people are looking for (women, at least). Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that all women in their early 20s are automatically looking for their mate to marry- but most of them are at least looking for a relationship.

I know it's a ridiculous worry. It's probably one of my vices, worrying about stupid things. Yet, for some reason, it seems to be looming over me, and I can't shake the feeling that I'm going to come up too little, too late.

Topic two, in our discussion.

My mother is psycho. We all know how obsessed she is with my puppy. I'd be lying to myself to say that I'm getting Penny back from my mother. My mother is so disillusioned to the point that she will call me on the phone to tell me the most trivial of facts about what my puppy was up to today.

For instance- today Penny took a nap on my mother's lap, then played. She, apparently, missed her doggy friends down the road, so they went to visit them. Then she spied out the window on the neighbors. The house started shaking and she got scared, but when my mother told her it was only a helicopter, she calmed down.

Am I the only one that thinks that it's utterly insane that my mom considers my dog to be another daughter. Her excuse for not coming to visit, for example, is that it would be too much of a strain on Penny to drive an hour to come visit me...

This is an issue.

The List

A little less than a year ago I made The List. I figure there is no time like the present to update The List. My updates are in red.

- Sing at a karaoke bar
-Disc jockey on the radio
-Confess my love to someone
-Genuinely befriend someone I dislike
-Get over past issues
-Jump out of a plane- really, lets make this 'Go Skydiving'
-Travel to other countries (Canada/Mexico not included)- I'm going to london in Spring!
-Waitress- This is Done!
-Spend the night under the stars
-Go to a drive-in movie
-Run a mile (no stopping)- This one needs explaining: Although I do work out- I never run.
-Learn to play a song on the guitar
-Introduce myself to a stranger- Many drunken nights have taken care of this one.
-Buy a car
-Save a thousand dollars
-Take a road-trip
-Sleep on a beach
-Have sex in an awkward place (elevator, plane, etc.)
-Try a red-headed slut (drink)-Yay! Taken care of when I went to Cali last spring.
-Bar-tend
-Write a song
-Write a novel-Im on it!
-Read all of Chuck Palahniuk's books- I only have one left to read; Rant.
- 4 point a college semester
-Have something published
-Open mic night comedy
-Join an improv troupe
-Master Guitar Hero- This will never happen.
-Build something of significance- I believe, if our film turns out to be amazing after 48/5 then I'll count that as significant- at least significant in my life.
-Get my tattoo
-Paint- Done, and keeps getting done.
-Photograph something beautiful- Again, done!
-Hold my breath for 3 minutes under water
-Jump in a pile of leaves
-Jump off a bridge into a lake
-Stand on top of a mountain and scream as loud as I can for as long as I can

-Get through all of the comedies and tragedies of Shakespeare (and no, I don't mean just the ones that have been made into movies)

-Live in NY

-Live in LA

-Live in Chi-town

(All before I marry, and before I turn 32)

-Learn how to change oil on a car

-Skinny dip in the ocean

- Go to a movie alone

Vampires are so in right now

I know this is so cheesy- but I want a set of these- and I'd want to keep one and give the other to my sweetheart (wherever, and whoever, he might be).

Check it out.

Don't pick your nose in public, even worse, don't eat it.

I was in Starbucks today, grabbing my favorite drink (Grande non-fat white peppermint mocha), when I saw a very attractive barista behind the counter.  I did a double take to look back at him, only to catch him doing something extremely disgusting.  You'll never guess.  Okay, I'll just tell you.  I caught him picking his nose, and then eating it!  I have to admit, I laughed out loud.  People need to be more careful with things like that; you never know who's watching.

After Starbucks I proceeded to the Barnes and Nobles across the street to check out some books.  While there, I ran into creeper, Summer Fling.  That's right, this will be the 3rd time running into him in the past 7 days.  We don't have any of the same classes, our majors aren't even close, we live on opposite sides of East Lansing, why is it I keep running into him?  It's a bit bothersome.

I believe tonight will be spent marathoning in the library, something I haven't done in quite some time.

Infinite XOs

-EB

Obsession.

Due to the fact that I'm working tonight, and I feel as though it will be a long one, I'm going to blog.

Here I go:

I'm gonna try something new, which will probably help focus my writing a bit more, which, we can all admit, I could use a little help with that from time to time.  One Minute Writer so kindly offers prompts to write about.  Today's is 'What bad habit would you like to change?'

If I could change any of my bad habits the one I most likely would change would have to be how I obsess about things.  I'm going to try my hardest to not make myself sound like a crazy person here, but I tend to get overly stressed about things, leading to a bit of obsession.  It varies from situation to situation, but whenever something upsets me, or something leaves me uneasy, I focus way too much on it, which, in turn, causes even more stress.

I'm very aware of this little quirk I posses, and I will admit, it's one of my biggest vices.  I often find myself pleading with my brain to stop focusing on the small stuff and just relax; think about something else.  It's nearly impossible.  I mean, you read my blog.  You all can tell, I'm sure, how much I do this. Whether it was about Matt from the very very early blogging days (I believe there were at least 20 posts dedicated to that little situation), or if it's about my recent jail experience, which, after it happened, I believe I wrote about it for 2 or 3 weeks.

I also do this when it comes to boys.  No, that is too light a way to put it;  especially when it comes to boys- there, that's better.  I swear, it's not in a creepy way, but more in a 'this is so annoying I can't stop thinking about him' kind of way.  I can even go as far to say that I blame everything with Ex-Boy that happened after the relationship on it.  If it weren't for this stupid little habit, he wouldn't have been in my head so much, and I wouldn't have been so tempted to keep going back, even 6 months later.

Will it ever go away?  Perhaps with time.  If it doesn't go away, will I learn to just count it as background music to my twisted life?  Lets hope so.

Until then, I'm going to go obsess more about Twilight, and the fact that the movie comes out in 3-4 days, depending on where you live.  Get excited!

I'm going to be dead tired.

Today is relaxed...this evening; not so much.  From  5:30-6:45 I have an audition for a film club movie, 7-9 I have a work meeting at Bath and Body Works which happens to coincide with a work meeting from Night Reception (I really don't think I can be in two places at once!), then from 3-7 AM I work night reception.

I have a feeling I'm going to  be DEAD tired tomorrow... just a hunch.

I also found out recently that I get to reprise my roll as a prostitute in one of the film club's member's thesis film.  I just can't wait to stand outside in the wintery weather wearing next to nothing!  (That was sarcasm, my friends.)

Speaking of film club, this is the busiest week for me in relation to it.  I have the audition tonight, the prostitute scene on wednesday, and then this weekend is the 48/5 competition in which I'll be working on that the WHOLE weekend.

I love it, I really do :)

The drunk.

The best place for great writing material is working night reception.  All of the drunken college kids coming into their dorms at 2 AM have the best conversations.  Unfortunately, last night, I was too busy writing the story of Nathaniel Matis that still is yet to receive a name, so I couldn't write down what was said- just believe me, it was probably hilarious.

One funny situation that I do remember from last night-

A guy and his friend, obviously intoxicated came up to me and the other girl working and ask, "So, my roommate is kind of occupied...and uh, we don't know what to do until he's done.."  The girl I was working with and I kind of just looked at each other and laughed.  I told them I didn't really care what they did.  They kind of just stumbled off, laughing.

Gotta love drunk freshmen.