Hello Blogger, It's Me Danielle

Wow.  It has been a hell of a long time since I've visited this blog.  So long, in fact, that google apparently now owns blogger and I had trouble logging in.  Truth be told I had no intention of posting this today, but I happened to literally stumble across my blog this afternoon.  I spent 5 hours reading every post I made.  I guess I didn't realize how dedicated I was to blogging back then.

Four years have passed since my last blog post and while re-reading I found a comment someone (Jess) had made in 2010 asking how I've been and basically what I'd been up to since abandoning my blog.  So, I thought I'd fill you in!

My last post was in 2009 when I was just a baby 20 year-old.  I believe where I left off was that I was done with Ex-Boy and I had met my dream guy.  Wow!  What a way to end a blog.

Well, let me first start by saying Dream Boy turned out not to be dream boy, although for a while there I really thought he was.  I left to travel various parts of the world in 2009 and I was still dating Dream Boy.  My first leg of the trip, DC, ended up proving that we just weren't meant to date and we stopped seeing each other.  I spent the rest of the summer having TONS of fun in Israel and then London and then LA before heading back to good old MSU.  I even had a secret affair with a Teaching Assistant during my study abroad!

I should probably also let you know that Ex-Boy and I never dated again.  In fact, we hardly ever spoke again.  I'm not going to lie, I was kind of an asshole when I ended it and I broke up with him for good in a text message.  He wasn't too happy about it, but what goes around comes around.  He ended up getting back together with his ex (the girl he cheating on me with) and stayed with her until, wait for it... just a couple of weeks ago!  That's right, they dated for 4 years!  I found out a couple of days ago that they broke up- she kept the dog they bought together.

As for the rest of the characters I wrote about, here's a breakdown:

Mom: She's still as nutty as always!  Penny ended up moving with her and my Dad to California.  They're both total socal babes now!

Dad:  He's improved his array of jokes thanks to the comedy channel on sirius XM.  He didn't like LA much so him, mom, and penny moved to Irvine, CA.  They are loving it.

BPhil:  My brother ended up moving to California as well and has a cushy job at a big time movie studio and is on the brink of engagement with his girlfriend whom I adore.

Penny: She's such a babe of a dog.  She still looks and acts just like a puppy.  The cutest!

BJ-M:  After my trip to London I ran against BJ-M in elections for Film Club president.  I beat him and our friendship never really was the same.  We didn't see each other very often after that and my senior year he moved back to his hometown.  I hear from friends that he's well.

FA:  I can't believe I liked this guy.  He doesn't like music...wtf!  He's also an aspiring actor and looking back I think I liked his abs WAY more than I liked him.  I think he's still in East Lansing.

The Let Down:  Believe it or not, after I graduated from MSU I moved to the cottage my parents bought close to my hometown.  I ended up hanging out withe LD a couple of times.  The last time we ended up making out ( I always was a suck for a good make-out session).  I realized immediately after that I was no longer the 17 year-old that met him and decided that it was a bad idea.  I recently chatted with him and asked him if we could be friends and nothing else.  He got really big into the Detroit music scene so he's pretty busy but agreed to our friendship.

Neighbor Boy:  Never saw him again after I moved.

NNBoy:  Never saw him again after I moved either.  Although at the end of that semester I did find out that he had been accused of sexually assaulting a girl back in his hometown.  Not sure if it was true or not, but I blocked him out of my life anyways.  He was a player and he was bad news.

Summer Fling:  I'm pretty sure Summer Fling is married now, although I'm not sure if it's to that girl that moved to MI for him or not.  He's definitely in the military.  I'm glad I never went back down that road.  Military life wouldn't have been for me.

And I bet you're wondering what happened to me!

Well, the final two years of undergrad were crazy.  I had a lot of fun, I had a lot more heartbreak from new and different boys, and I really learned about myself.  After graduation I was offered a job working on a movie in Detroit so I packed up and moved to my parents cottage for that summer.  When the job wrapped in July I moved to Los Angeles and have lived there ever since.  I've worked for a production company, as a personal assistant to a TV actress, and on the behind the scene features for The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey.

In the beginning of September of 2012 I began dating the real man of my dreams.  On March 27th, 2009 I wrote a blog post titled "Adventures of a Thursday Night".  In that post I mention a Shy Guy- a cute guy I met at a B-Movie Beatdown.  Turns out he was the man of my dreams.  We had run into each other all throughout undergrad and we always exchanged pleasantries.  He had just started dating a girl when I met him in 2009 and he dated her right up until I moved away to Los Angeles.  Every time I ran into him during school I always thought he was flirting with me a little but I new he had a girlfriend so I blew it off.  When I moved we started to chat on facebook every now and then.  And facebook led to texting.  I was beginning to really like him but thought it was crazy considering I lived 2,222 miles away from him.  In September 2012, while I was visiting Michigan for wedding season, we finally went on our first date.  The date lasted the whole day and went into the next morning.  I ended up spending my whole vacation with him (I even ended up staying at his place the whole time) and at the end of it we decided not to see other people- we were head over heels.

Shy Guy and I have been doing the long distance thing ever since.  We have flown out to each others homes every 2 months and have spent every holiday together.  In 10 days I'm actually moving back to Michigan to live in the cottage again and give our relationship a real "In Person" shot.  I plan on working for a year to save and in 2014 I have every intention of starting grad school and if all goes well it will be at MSU.  I plan on going all the way- getting my Masters, my PhD, and then hopefully getting a job as a professor of Film Studies.

That's pretty much everything!  I hope you all have been well.  So much has changed for me over the past 4 years and I'm sure so much has changed for you as well!

I must admit that re-reading all my posts today made me both happy and sad.  I wrote about so much heartbreak and only now do I realize how much fun I really did have in college.  I'm glad I could share that with you all.

Danielle

And so it Happens Again

That's right.  Ex-Boy did it again.

For two weeks I was so twitterpated with him.  Everything was going perfect.  He'd text me every morning and we'd hang out every other night.  He would say the cutest things to me (at least for him it was cute).  I brought him around my friends he didn't know and he got along with them well.

It was great...until he started to distance himself.

The night of my birthday I was really sad.  I just needed to  be held, so even though he forgot my birthday and I really was not happy with him, I went over to his place and we cuddled.

The next morning however, he was back to his old self.  We just cuddled silently and then I left.  It wasn't how it had been the past two weeks where it was fun and cute and flirty- it was sullen and quiet.

He didn't respond to any of my messages for a couple days.  When he finally did text me back they were one word answers.

I haven't seen him since Thursday or Friday when I just showed up at his place and dropped the helmet off.

He texted me today because my name was in the newspaper but it was nothing of substance.

As I predicted- he didn't just hurt me this time, he broke me.

I haven't been the same for the past week, I just mope around.  I can't get it off my mind and at any given moment there are tears welled up in my eyes, just waiting for the right moment to pour out.

I fell for his shit again because I didn't want to (and don't want to) learn from this- I'd rather live in the vicious cycle of it all where I don't have to admit to being alone.

Truth is...

I'm destined to be alone.

Epiphany...finally!!!!

Okay it may just be that I've been awake way too long, considering it is nearly 7 AM and I've yet to get to bed (curse you awful job), or it could be an actual epiphany.  I'm thinking it's the latter, if not the awesome playlist I have going that's helping me stay awake mixed with Redbull.  I digress.

I think I like, maybe even love the place I am at with Ex-Boy right now.  Please don't think I'm saying I love him, because that would be pushing it WAYYY too far.  No. I love the place I'm at with him.

It's like playing house without any titles attached is it's own silent title.  Almost as if not having that BF/GF label makes us our own thing.

I'm not about to stop flirting with whatever comes along, but I'm pretty sure I won't be hooking up with anyone else.  And by the way he's acting, I think the same goes for him.

For example:  This may get a little risque, and I'll allow it, only because of my lack of sleep.  He was in the process of removing my bra, which he happened to be sucking at.  I said to him, "Wow!  Someone has lost their game," in a joking tone of course, and he responds with, "I'm sorry, but the last person who's bra I removed was yours, the other night, and back in September!"

He didn't have to say that- but it's like he's been trying to make this point that I'm the only one he's been with.  I'm sure he's doing this because of the cheating incident, but either way.

I feel like we are on the same page.

My good friend, lets call her Irene, made a GREAT point the other day when we last chatted about the situation, before it got as juicy as it is (another post to come about that).

She pointed out that I will be gone for the whole summer.  I will not only be across both sides of the country at times, but even across the Atlantic, for quite a while.  Ex-boy couldn't even be faithful to me when I was right in front of him, let alone in Europe.

It would be reckless of me to try to be in a real relationship with him now, knowing that I'm leaving in something short of two months.

Yet, I like what we have, and our new little dynamic that has popped up with his alleged change.

So I've decided.  I'm going to keep things exactly as they are.  If he decides a little ways or a long ways down the road that he wants to revert to his old ways, and ditch me again, that's fine, I'll be gone all summer.  If not, then you know what?  He'll just have to wait for the real deal for when I get back.

For once I feel good about this.  I feel like this is me going with my gut and not based on what my heart wishes the happy ending would be or what my skeptical friends all think.

It's that perfect mix of my head and my heart and my stomach working together, feeding me the next step to take.

In this case, there is no step.  I'll stay planted, and enjoy the new found balance.

A Letter to Ex-Boy

If I could write Ex-Boy a letter, this is what it would be:

Dear Ex-Boy,

We have been at this for a year and a half.  This on and off regime that we seem to be stuck in, like a never ending game of monopoly.  But I am scared.  We would always get together and then it would be as if we didn't even know each other for a couple of months, and alas we would get back together again.

You seemed different the other day.  As if nothing that happened before ever took place, as if you met me for the first time and you just wanted to be with me.  Two days have passed and I find myself in a fearful mindset.

You've messed with my heart so many times before, that even though you seem so sincere this time, I can't help but find myself wondering, is he doing the same thing to me again.

How blind does one have to be to go back to someone that many times.  And even if you have changed, I'm not sure that I can go through each day and moment that we aren't with one another wondering if you are going to change your mind and decide that you're done with me again.

The last couple of times you really did hurt me.  You hurt my feelings, but I'm scared that if I continue with optimism, thinking that you've really changed, and then you change your mind again, it will truly break my heart.

You may have just hurt me before, but I fear that if it happens again, you won't only hurt me, but you will break me.  My being, my spirit, and my heart.

It's only 2:43 PM and I haven't spoken to you yet today.  A normal person shouldn't be afraid that their other doesn't want them anymore just because they haven't had a moment to check in.

It's like the boy who cried wolf, every time we have been together and then the next day you say, just kidding, I just wanted the physical part and then left.  But the one time that it does matter, if it is even that time, I'm not sure that I can have or put enough faith into it to know that you haven't just been busy.

My mind only goes to the thought of you thinking to yourself, "what was I doing, I don't want to be with her again, better stop talking to her."

I don't know what to do.  I fear that either way I will end up hurt.

These feelings have never had a chance to go away.  You've kept me on your fishing hook, even though you haven't had the nerve to reel me in.

Just thought I'd put my fears out there, just in case you wanted to clear that up.

For now, but not always,

EB

The 8 Words That Made my Heart Beat Faster

8 words.  One sentence, or question, rather.  "Does this mean we can watch movies now?"

Ex-Boy asked me this question this morning.  This probably makes no sense to you.  How and why could these 8 words make my heart beat faster?

Lets rewind.

Ex-Boy and I have been talking a lot lately.  It started before my London trip.  We had the first somewhat pseudo-intelligent conversation that we've ever had.  I didn't think too much of it, except for the fact that he asked me to pick him up a certain kind of scarf there in which he'd pay me for.

I get  back and we continue to talk from time to time.  Sometimes I would instant message him, yet a lot of the times he'd instant message me.

One night his roommate who happens to be a friend of mine came to my apartment and we watched Run Lola Run- a great german film.  EB's Roommate went home and told Ex-Boy about it, in which EB started to talk to me more and more about movies.

I liked it, because it was, in his weird and twisted way, him opening up to me.

He started recommending films to me, which I would try to download.  He also said I could just borrow some of them from him.

To be honest, he was being friendly, but not inviting.

The other day he I/Med me though and raved about Techno Tuesday at one of the local bars (which I can get into).  He told me I should go next week, still though, friendly, but not extremely inviting, for a lot of my friends go with him.

Skip to last night.

It is Final Four, and my team, the Spartans have just made it into the national championships.  I'm out and about partying, and it's getting late.  I don't feel like wasting seven bucks, so I give EB's roommate a call, since I'm partying a couple houses down from them.  I ask if I could crash there and he said yes, but the couch was taken.  It's fine though because EB's roomie happens to be gay, which means I get the privilege of sleeping with him in his bed and it not being anything but sleeping.  I accept the invitation and head over there.

I'm in his room when we both hear Ex-Boy arrive home.  I decided oh so coincidentally (I have a problem with giving up on him, okay!) to go get a glass of water.

Ex-Boy seems happy to see me, and we are both drunk.  I go upstairs with him and, well...you know.

We wake up this morning and we are still all cuddly.

NOTE:  I'm weary of this.  This has happened a handful of times since we've been broken up where we would hook up and the next day we would cuddle, almost with a sad tone set to it, and then he wouldn't answer any calls or I/Ms from me  after, until a couple months later in which the same thing would repeat itself, and I still could never completely and fully give up on him.

This time it seemed different.  He wasn't the sad and sullen cuddly guy he usually is the morning after hooking up since we've been broken up.

I even mentioned it to him.  He was more open with me, talking about his family and friends, book, and movies.

We cuddle more, we kiss more, and it's cute.

He then turns to me and says the 8 words.  "Does this mean we can watch movies now?"  He then goes on to say, " I was too much of a pussy to ask you to watch all the movies I recommended you with me."  I reply and tell him the same thing.

He then asks me if I purposefully came about his house or if it was by sheer coincidence and need, and I admit that there might have been some plotting beforehand.

He's glad, he says.

He makes me breakfast and we cuddle more, then he drives me home on his bike.  When I get off of it and I go to hand him my helmet he says "Why don't you hold onto it, oh and don't forget we are watching movies together, and hopefully soon, please get at me soon".

WHAT DO I DO?!!! I  MELTED.

Yes, he cheated before.  Yes, he's a stupid boy.

But this time he really DOES seem different.  This time it's more than just "look at the weather" with him.  He's opening up.

I know, I know.  I need to be careful.

I still am in shock though.

What Went Down

Okay I guess I should explain myself.

What happened with The Pres:

Him and I started talking and flirting.  There was an immediate connection.  I did something very unlike myself- I let my guard down.  I let myself get excited about something that wasn't yet concrete.

He decided to break up with his girlfriend, partially because their relationship was shitty, and partially to be with me.

That night we hung out and were all cute and shit together and it went well.. so I thought.

I was at work and he I/med me and said something along the lines of 'I had a good time but it really freaked me out and I think there's going to be a lot of fallout with my ex, so I don't think we can proceed with this yet, and I just am very confused now and wasn't ready to break up with her'.

So I was polite about it and decided to leave him alone for a while and let him think or whatever he needed to do, even though I was hurt by it and angry with myself for letting myself get excited about it.

It has been 5 days since I talked to him, so I decided to text him hello and see how he's been, expecting either no response, or a response in which he is honest and says what's going on with him and his ex and his feelings (he's that kind of person, the kind that is extremely open about everything and likes to talk about shit).  Well his response was... rather vapid.  Not unfriendly, but just staying on the surface.

I think I need to be on spring break more than ever right now.

The Pres

I have a crush.

And I may or may not be heading in the direction of a relationship.

We need to give this boy a name, so I can obnoxiously refer to all that is him.  I'm thinking Pres, as he is Pres of film club.

So.  Pres broke up with his girlfriend, maybe and maybe not for me.

I haven't done this in so long, I forget how the process of actual dating works...  Someone refresh my memory!!

EDITTTTT:

Scratch all of that.

Really?

Life is very strange.  So I met a new boy.

I've known him... kind of.  He's president of film club.  So I see him every other week, yet we've never talked one on one, nor seen each other outside of actual FC meetings.

On Valentine's Day he made a comment on one of my facebook statuses (facebook is getting so lame, I know) making a joke of V-Day.

Then, last night at the meeting we started talking.  He ended up coming out with the core group of us and we talked the whole time...

He has a girlfriend but it isn't going well.

I'm not going to be that girl to move in on him while he's in a relationship, but there was definitely chemistry there.

Hopes aren't going up though,  I know how this could play out and it could end with him and her being happily or unhappily together, while I've gotten into this really deep crush on a guy who won't ever realllllly leave her.

Shit isn't going down like that.

Contact from Ex-Boy

Why?  Why do they (men, Exes in particular) do this to us (women)?

I'm sitting at my computer, minding my own business, which an away message up.  All of the sudden I get an instant message from, who?  Ex-Boy.

Keep in mind I haven't seen or talked to Ex-Boy since December, and even then it was the first time since September that I had seen him.

I have a theory.

Ex-Boy has yet to find someone (aside from his other ex who he cheated on me with) to be romantically involved with since me.

I propose that he does this to keep me on his little hook.  He doesn't want me to get too attached, yet he still wants that option to be available for the times when he's wanting to get out some sexual tension.

Therefore after seeing me he will wait weeks, if not months, and then, like a slithering snake, sneak up on me, and out of nowhere strike up a conversation.

It's always very relaxed, and usually starts with him poking fun at me in his lame attempts to  be flirtatious.

This time I played it differently.  I was polite, but I stayed focused on what I was doing (studying).  The conversation started to dwindle and he said he had to go (probably to avoid anymore awkward pauses).  That was it.

This is me, finally over all of it.  Lets just hope he doesn't ask to hang out though... I don't think I'm quite that strong yet to say no...

Obligatory V-Day Post

I guess it is time for the obligatory Valentine's Day post, huh?

Here's what I got:

I've never had an SO for Valentine's Day.  I've never even had a date for Valentine's Day.  Last year I was dating 'Ex Boy'.  He didn't even talk to me on V-Day.  Not a phone call, not even a text.

Needless to say I'm pretty pessimistic when it comes to this Hallmark Card Holiday.  This year, however, I've decided to treat myself to some goodies.

Goodie Numero Uno:  I bought new shoes.  They are adorable.  Rocket Dog, Converse-style shoes, that have colorful splatter paint on them.

Goodie Numero Dos:  I'm getting my hair done.  I had gotten it dyed dark and then red highlights throughout it a little over a month ago, and it has faded quite a  bit.  Therefore I'm getting the red redone :)  Perfect for this sad day we call a Holiday.

Also, I plan on hanging out with all of my single friends tonight (tomorrow night).  There will be drinks involved.  Lets just hope there's someone to make out with sloppily.

That's the plan.

Now and Then.

When I was in high school I never had a solid group of friends. I kind of was a nomad- traveling between different groups. Aside from Ex-Friend, whom I've never talked about (it's a long story which I'll post about a different day), every year I had different friends that I'd hang out with. Ex-Friend would come along for th trip, also changing her friends each year. I don't know why this is, if I had to guess it's because I didn't know who I was, thus I didn't quite know where I fit or what kind of friends I wanted.

It's weird looking back on that time because I'm in such a different place now; a better place. I have a real solid group of friends, in whom I love to spend time with, I've been so busy over break, which isn't normal considering breaks for me are usually pretty boring, and I had, probably, the best New Years Eve/ New Years ever.

It's nice to look back and realize, for now at least, that you've found yourself.

It's refreshing.

I Hope I Won't Regret This: Part 3

Well.  The Let Down and I set plans for today to meet.  After I listened to his voicemail from Part 2 I decided that I really did want to meet up and talk about what had happened.

We met at 3:30 pm at a small hometown restaurant.  It was scary- to say the least.  I haven't seen this guy, the guy that was my best friend, whom I really did love, in a year and 4 months.

We talked about what happened, and I tried my best to listen with open ears, which I think I did well.  He said how he barely remembers why we stopped being friends, and of course, I reminded him.  He said that he didn't mean it how I took it that night, when he said I needed a clean slate and needed to start over.  That he was drinking the night we talked, which makes sense.

Ready for the kicker?  I asked how his 'wife' was doing.  His response- they broke up.  "Well did you even marry her?"  No.  He didn't.  He said he just told me that to hurt me because he was angry that I wasn't understanding him, and that I took it that he wanted to end our friendship.

I guess what he was trying to say that night was not that our friendship needed to end- but rather that we just needed time apart, and he felt our friendship was strong enough to go on hold, just until Trashy Girl was okay with us being friends.

He apologized.  I could tell he meant it, and that he really did care- but he showed it in an awful way.

We then went on to talk about what has happened to each of us over the past year and 4 months.  He has really gotten his life together- and I really am happy for him.  He broke up with Trashy Girl, and has been seeing a new girl for the past 3 months.  He moved out of his mom's place, and got a car.  He really went into a lot of detail about what had happened to him over the time apart.  I didn't.  It felt like I was starting over, like he didn't know me at all- I couldn't make it as personal as we used to be.  That was sad for me.

I told him that I was glad he was doing well and it was nice seeing him.  I also reminded him that he now has my email and if he'd like to, he can send me a message.

I don't know that he will.  I'd like him to, though.  Either way though, for me, this was closure.  Well needed closure.

I just hate that I feel so sad after it all.  It feels like a part of my heart died.  That chapter of my life is now closed- and there's no replacing the words on the page, or rewriting the ending.  What happened, really did happen- and I realize that more than ever after talking about it with him.

I guess it's time to move on.

Oh, and I did get my book back...

A Post In Response to a Reader and an Evening of, Well...I Don't Know.

Part A:

Jest (who's blog is AMAZING by the way)  wanted to know why I think NNBoy is a player.  So I thought I'd address that because, as she pointed out, I did mention that before.

The reason I believe this is for a couple reasons.

1.  He's the kind of guy who throws out these wonderful lines that you only hear in movies, to make you (me) feel amazing.  Which got me to thinking- he's way too good at this.

2. The night that NNBoy came to my apartment party he got pretty drunk.  Of course, me being semi-sober, I thought it was a great idea to encourage him to keep drinking.  Well in leu of that, he was unable to even read his text messages- in which he asked me to read one of his.  NNBoy has a fancy phone.  The kind that shows you not only the text in which he received, but the string of texts pertaining to that particular one.

I got to not only read that he is using the same material with some other girl, but also that she might be coming up for a visit and they are planning to see a film together.  Of course I jokingly told him "Wowwwww NNBoy I see you use that line often."  In which he responded- "What?  I mean, she's just this girl  thats been blowing me off and stuff- She offered to pay for a movie so I accepted, thats all- how do I know that you don't have a string of guys that you talk to..etc. etc."

3. Everytime I brought it up- you know, that he's at "playa status" he wouldn't deny it- he would just say something along the lines of "like your phone isn't blowing up from thousands of guys"

4.  He's admitted to the fact that his best friend truly is a player.

To be quite honest- none of this matters to me.  We just met.  I'm trying my hardest not to fall too hard for the kid, and knowing that he could be a player is helping me to keep my guard up a bit.

Part B:

It's funny that Jest has asked about him because tonight him and I hung out.

I had baked cookies today, so I brought over a tupperware of some.

EB: "Hey.  I brought you a present"

NNBoy: "Oh yeah?  Oh..I'm so full"

EB:  "Okay...well eat them later then"

No "thank you for the cookies"- Nothing.

The rest of the night wasn't any better.  It consisted of us 'jokingly' fighting/picking on each other back and fourth.  Unlike most of the times we hung out, he wouldn't cuddle with me.  When I jokingly tackled him he wouldn't kiss me, and when I threatened to leave he didn't care.

I mean, yes, we were joking.  However, if I wanted to be jokingly insulted half the night, I would have called my brother and had a lovely conversation with him.

I finally told him I was leaving and got up.  I told him he might want to come lock the door after me and his response was "I'm not going to get up only so you can come back in here 3 minutes later."

That did it.  He challenged me- I had to.  I left his apartment, left the apartment complex, and drove a couple miles down the road to a friends place in which I spent the night with 4 of my film club guys goofing off, drinking beers, and watching films.

I must say I enjoyed myself much more with them than with him.  Oh, and also- they showed COMPLETE appreciation for the cookies I brought them.

I didn't want to end the night with NNBoy on a bad note so I texted him "Have a good Christmas, see you after the holiday."

His response: "I don't chase if that's what you thought would happen but thanks you too"

My response: "I didn't.  I went out.  Thanks."

I don't like playing games, and I'm not going to put up with someone if I don't think they want me there.

I would, however, like to know what my readers would have done given the same situation.  Was I too harsh?  Did I get my point across?  Do you think NNBoy will ever want to see me again?

How do You Open Up?

So, I realized that I never followed up on here on what's going on with new neighbor boy and I.  I named him Kris but I think I'm going to change it to just NNBoy (new neighbor boy).

We hung out pretty much all week.  And yes, I finally did kiss him... and then some.

The thing about him is, I know he definitely could possibly be a player.  Boys got game.  However, I think I'm starting to really like him.

The whole thing that happened with Ex-Boy the other night (read: a couple posts down) was really me just trying to protect myself from getting hurt by NNBoy- which obviously backfired since nothing actually happened with Ex-Boy.

How do you let yourself open up and trust someone when you've never had it work out before?

It's about that time

It's December 20th.  Christmas is only days away, and the other holidays will come up quite quickly.

In leu of this, I believe it is about that time for this post.  You know, the one about being alone at the holidays.

You see, this is nothing new for me.  I've never been in a relationship during the holidays.  I've never had a boyfriend at Valentine's day (aside from ex-boy who didn't even wish me a happy v-day, let alone take me out).

I'm used to being alone for this.  Usually they are just very festive days of sitting around, bored, watching crappy holiday movies.  Christmas is especially boring considering I'm not christian.

As much as I'm used to this, I have to admit- it still bothers me.  I hate waking up, knowing I will have nothing to do, no one to wrap their arms around me and wish me a happy holidays.

I've learned to depend entirely on blockbuster, chinese food, and my parents.

Lucky for me, this year I have an addition- Penny.  I wonder if dogs really do make good SO* substitutes?

I guess we'll find out.

This Ship is Shipping On

Today is a new milestone in my life.

Last night we had a little party.  Drunken EB decided to invite over Ex-Boy.

I guess I wasn't really expecting him to show up, but he did.  The party went on.  Nothing really happened, and then it was time for bed.  Throughout all of mine and Ex-Boy's relationship when we were dating I was living in the dorms.  Thus, I would always go to his place and sleep in his bed, not the other way around because I had a roommate.

Last night was the first night that he's ever slept in my bed with me.

If you'd ask me last night before bed if I was going to hook up with my ex, I'm pretty sure the answer would sound something like this, "Ummm, yahhh, wanna shot?!"

However, once we got into bed, something just didn't feel right.  He put his arm around me and we started  to spoon, but even that didn't feel as comfortable and safe as I remember it.  Slowly his arm relaxed away from me, probably when he realized that I wasn't going to make the first move.  We drifted off to  sleep, an entire foot between us.

Early this morning he woke up and left to go to work.  I laid in bed and thought about how I was happy nothing happened.  How I really wasn't as comfortable with him as I used to be.

I think I have finally gotten over Ex-Boy...

..and it feels damn good.

Time to move on, or as one of my favorite music artists (Mirah) would say, "This ship is shipping on".

Date to come

There are a lot of little quirks about me that are sometimes hard to justify, yet, I do my best.

One being my inability to stick to what I say, mainly speaking about conversing with Ex-Boy. Yeah, remember that resolution? I've failed already. I found myself instant messaging him out of boredom. But I do realize this must stop.

It can't be healthy to let this one 8 month relationship to extend awkwardly for over a year. At some point one must move on. That point is now.

The new neighbor guy- Lets call him... ohh Kris? Yes, Kris. Well, Kris and I are going to have a stay-in date tonight. It will consist of season 1 of Entourage, and that's it.

I'm setting rules for myself this time. I've jumped into this kind of thing before, going way too fast, and we all know how that turned out (read: Neighbor boy [the original]).

Rule 1: I've just met this guy, therefore there is no reason to kiss him just yet. That would be moving too fast. No matter how much I want to.

Rule 2: No sleeping over. I don't care if my bed gets lit on fire and his bed is the only one available, and he offers to sleep on the couch- NO SLEEPING OVER.

Rule 3: I'm getting to know him. Thus meaning, I don't know him. No letting my guard down.

Rule 4: The second I find out he's a player, I'm done. I've had enough of those and look where it's gotten me (read: Ex boy, The Let Down, Neighbor boy, Summer Filing)

I know this sound ridiculous- but if I don't set these rules for myself, it'll just end badly.

Post on date 1 to come tomorrow.

What Other Kind of Trouble can I get Myself Into?

Hmm.  Where to start, where to start?

Well, it is now winter break.  I was home for a day or two, just to get my beloved laptop fixed and pick up my pup.  Last night I decided to make the venture back up to East Lansing with the darling Penny Lane.  It was snowing, wet, and rainy.  Not fun.

I pulled up to my apartment around 6:45-7ish.  I brought penny up to my room then went back down to carry all of my stuff, which I had a lot because of Penny's crate.  When I got up there I opened the door and the two roommates that are still here were setting up for a party.  Great, I thought, this is going to be stressful.

As I was unloading my car, another car pulled up and parked next to mine.  A guy got out of it...a cute guy.  He started to walk inside but then turned back around.  "Hey, do you need help carrying anything?"

I have to say...I was shocked.  It's not often that guys pull a gentleman move on me.  At first I said no, but before he walked away I changed my mind and said yes.  Penny's crate is a bitch to carry up 3 flights of stairs, afterall.

So we chit chatted for a minute as we carried my stuff up.  When we got to my door I opened it, he came in to put penny's crate down, and I introduced him to the roomies, and invited him to the party (completely not expecting him to come).

Somewhere in between all of this I found out he's my neighbor...great.  ANOTHER neighbor boy.  We won't give him a name yet because we don't know where this will go.

Lets just say, he spit some mad game, but I resisted.  I've made that mistake once already.  I did, however, give him my number.

Oh and also-  the original Neighbor Boy came over to the party because my dumb ass roommate decided to invite him.  I was on the new guy's team and he was on a team with one of my friends.  Let me tell you- the two neighbor boys were going at it- verrrrry competitive.

Fuck. My. Life.

Too much on the mind

I think it's about time to get serious about school.

I only have one more final that actually matters, and that is to take place Tuesday evening.

I kind of wish I didn't have a month off from school because I feel like school would take my mind off of all the things bothering me.

Here's the list:

1. Contact with 'The Let Down'

2. The crush I have on FA that I can't seem to shake.

3. Still find myself talking to Ex-Boy

4. Auditions gone awry

5. Auditions I thought I did well at and obviously didn't

I just feel kind of down.  I like the feeling of new classes and completely throwing myself into them.

I know that as soon as my finals are done I'm going to do a deep clean of the apartment, so that should take my mind off of things for, ohh, about a day or two.  What to do for the rest of the month I have off?

A Dream...A really really annoying dream.

Have you ever woken up from a dream and just thought t yourself- "I hate my  mind for letting me dream that?"

This just happened to me.  Literally, like 10 minutes ago.  I had to go do a PBT this morning so when I came back I went back to sleep for a couple hours because I am exhausted.

Well in this course of a couple hours I dreamt this-

I was with my parents and Ex-Boy showed up (in whom my parents actually like in the dream- and they kind of liked him in real life.. weird.)  So Him and I start talking and we end up kissing.  I kind of tell him something like, "Maybe I'll see you tomorrow."  He's actually down for it.  So it's all set to see him tomorrow.

All of the sudden I end up at a Rite-Aid.  I'm shopping for make up and apparently they sold fashion boots there, in my dream, so I was shopping for those too.  They didn't have my size however so my Mom, who was with me, told me to call their hotline.  I called and they never actually helped me, which was fine, cause I forgot about it.

At one point a women came and was helping me and then she was locking up the store so we all left behind her.

Cut to a situation in which I have NO CLUE how I got there, how it came about, etc.  I'm at 'The Let Down's' house.  It's him, I, his *cringes* wife, his mother, some male family members, my mother, etc.  It would seem we were celebrating something that reminded me of a superbowl.

Some people leave and it turns into a murder scene.  There's a killer going around killing people.  So some of the people go for help (I think LD went to go get help but I'm not sure).  I come around the corner of the hallway to the family room only to find LD's wife getting her throat slit.  I try to stop the killer but can't, so I take their mask off.  It was some girl whom I can't remember he significance in the dream.  She ends up leaving.  I try to save LD's wife but it's too late.

Now everyone for the most part is back.  It's almost as if they forgot about LD's wife, or they don't care, like it's no big deal.  He didn't seem to care either.  He's in his room and I go in.  We start to have a serious talk about the past.  Sometime between this and us being in the hallway together we decide we need to be together.  We need to be in a relationship.

We kiss, we hug, we become inseparable.  We tell EVERYONE how happy we are and that we decided to be together.  I tell my mom, and she's very wary of it.  Then I tell her that we are in a relationship, deal with it, and we'll be getting married...

In the dream I change my  FACEBOOK RELATIONSHIP STATUS (SO LAME) to in a relationship.  However I strictly remember LD's last name from the dream and it's not his real last night.  In the dream it was something like 'EB is now in a relationship with LD Libb.  It was either Libb or Libby, but it was so strange.

Cut to the bedroom.  We are laying together talking, happy as can be, and we decide, this is our happy ending.

Someone...Please please please interpret...