I Hope I Won't Regret This: Part 3

Well.  The Let Down and I set plans for today to meet.  After I listened to his voicemail from Part 2 I decided that I really did want to meet up and talk about what had happened.

We met at 3:30 pm at a small hometown restaurant.  It was scary- to say the least.  I haven't seen this guy, the guy that was my best friend, whom I really did love, in a year and 4 months.

We talked about what happened, and I tried my best to listen with open ears, which I think I did well.  He said how he barely remembers why we stopped being friends, and of course, I reminded him.  He said that he didn't mean it how I took it that night, when he said I needed a clean slate and needed to start over.  That he was drinking the night we talked, which makes sense.

Ready for the kicker?  I asked how his 'wife' was doing.  His response- they broke up.  "Well did you even marry her?"  No.  He didn't.  He said he just told me that to hurt me because he was angry that I wasn't understanding him, and that I took it that he wanted to end our friendship.

I guess what he was trying to say that night was not that our friendship needed to end- but rather that we just needed time apart, and he felt our friendship was strong enough to go on hold, just until Trashy Girl was okay with us being friends.

He apologized.  I could tell he meant it, and that he really did care- but he showed it in an awful way.

We then went on to talk about what has happened to each of us over the past year and 4 months.  He has really gotten his life together- and I really am happy for him.  He broke up with Trashy Girl, and has been seeing a new girl for the past 3 months.  He moved out of his mom's place, and got a car.  He really went into a lot of detail about what had happened to him over the time apart.  I didn't.  It felt like I was starting over, like he didn't know me at all- I couldn't make it as personal as we used to be.  That was sad for me.

I told him that I was glad he was doing well and it was nice seeing him.  I also reminded him that he now has my email and if he'd like to, he can send me a message.

I don't know that he will.  I'd like him to, though.  Either way though, for me, this was closure.  Well needed closure.

I just hate that I feel so sad after it all.  It feels like a part of my heart died.  That chapter of my life is now closed- and there's no replacing the words on the page, or rewriting the ending.  What happened, really did happen- and I realize that more than ever after talking about it with him.

I guess it's time to move on.

Oh, and I did get my book back...

I Hope I Won't Regret This: Part 2

So.  I'm running up to my room to finish getting ready for our family Hanukkah party.  I walk into my room and see a missed call. 

It's a number I don't recognize.  Normally, I wouldn't call them back unless they left me a voicemail, but for some reason I didn't think and I jumped right on calling them back and finding out who it was.

Ring ring.  Ring ring.

Person on the other end: "Oh..Shit."

EB: "Hi I got a call from this number."

Person on other end: "Hi...It's LD." (The Let Down)

EB:" Oh..."

LD: "Yeah..."

EB:" Sorry, I wasn't expecting you to call..how are you?"

LD:"I'm good how are you?"

EB: "I'm fine. So this  book.  When can I get it?"

So the conversation goes we figure out a day that works- tomorrow.  He says that he thought he was going to miss me and that I'd have already gone back to EL, that he just now got a chance to check my email that I wrote a couple days ago.  He says he'll call me tomorrow, but if I need to call him the number he called from is his cell.  The end.

So I think...

I hang up only to notice I just received a voicemail.  He must have been leaving it while I was calling him.

The voicemail is the main attraction, let me tell you- it goes like this:

Hey EB, it's LD.  I hope you're not back in EL but I just now got to check your email on my roommate's computer.  You know... I really wish you weren't mad at me..I can't even recall why you were mad at me in the first place.  We just need to talk and shit because I hate having someone like you on my angry list- so stop being angry- alright call me back.  Later.

Wow.  WOW!

So lets recap:  We were best friends, almost too close.  He lived with his parents still (a grown man, mind you).  He had a girlfriend who was complete trash, who just got out of jail, and also lived with her parents (grown woman).  I go away to school so sad to leave my best behind.  We write to each other and hang out a couple times when I come home.  Then he stops talking to me.  Ditch's me when we plan to hang out.  When I confront him about it he tells me that we basically can't be friends, that I need a fresh slate at school, and, "But I mean, if you're going to call me all crying and shit like you're going to kill yourself, of course i'll  be there for you."  Thus our friendship ended when I texted him have a good life- and he responded- "If it makes you feel any better, no one came to the ceremony, it was at the courthouse," which meant he married the girlfriend.

It's  been a year and 4 months since I've seen him last.  A year and 3 since we've last talked and ended our friendship.

I don't know what to think about tomorrow, yet I can't get it off my mind...

Some Reviews

Yesterday my family and I fulfilled our yearly Christmas tradition of seeing a movie and eating Chinese food- if you know of my hometown, you'd know this is what every single Jewish family does on Christmas Eve/ Christmas.  Not only did I see a movie with my family, but I also went to my best friend's to exchange gifts and then a group of us went to a different movie.

That's right- two movies in one day.  So, here are my reviews- I'll try not to spoil anything from either film.

Gran Torino

Directed by: Clint Eastwood

Screenplay: Nick Schenk

Story by: Nick Schenk and Dave Johannson

Let me just start by saying that Clint Eastwood is bad ass.  Not only is he an amazing actor- but he also directs, produces, writes, composes, and does still photography.  He is a triple threat times two.

I'm shocked and surprised that this film doesn't have more hype around it. I went in expecting something great, and what I got was nothing short of fantastically spectacular.  Films can go two different ways- they can move with dialogue, or they can move with action.  This film- did both, keeping the audience completely intact on the way.  The dialogue in this movie was brilliant.  I was not disappointed with one line of the film.  In addition, you can tell that Nick Schenk really knew these characters he was writing- they leapt out of the actors and took over the film.  There was so much conviction and motivation behind almost every single one of them (however, there was one part where the young boy that played Tao was extremely unconvincing, but we'll let it slide).  Not only was the dialogue, and characters amazing, but the plot and story was well thought out, and easily conveyed through the other elements of the film.

Most of the movie had me in fits of laughter- dark comedy like.  The end of the film had me in a puddle of tears- and kept me thinking about the film the rest of the day.

I'm giving it a 9.5/10- It's now on my favorite movie list.

Doubt

Directed by: John Patrick Shanley

Play by: John Patrick Shanley

Adapted Screenplay by: John Patrick Shanley

As you can see from above, John Patrick Shanley wrote Doubt as a one act play.  He then adapted it for screen, in which he directed his own movie.  In my opinion, very few writers can get away with this, and he is not one of them.  This being because when you write something for entertainment either on screen or stage, you have to completely throw yourself in the work.  It is very difficult to see something you've completed in a new light, and try to change it for screen.

This film was really disappointing.  The content and the idea for the film are both great.  However, the film seriously lacked...something.  For one, it dragged on.  This would be expected though when adapting a ONE ACT (shorter version of a play) to a feature length film.  For two, the plot was very muffled, probably because of the slowness of the film.  Nothing really builds in the film, yet all of the sudden you're at the climax, wondering- when did this happen? Did I fall asleep?

I will say, the acting was impeccable.  Meryl Streep really did scare me.  Amy Adams, although she seems to always play a similar character, did a great job of being frightened of Streep, and conveying her emotions.  The children in the film also did well.  I also really liked the content of the film, because it was good for dinner table discussions.

The ending of the movie, didn't bother me, per say, but I felt like I wasn't watching a film, but rather an over the top play.  It actually reminded me of when I was in a play, Quiet in the Land, my freshman year of high school- if that says anything for it.

As for the nitty gritty stuff- they used some really great camera angles- however, in areas of the film where they didn't go with what was happening in the movie.  The lighting was dramatic where it needed to be, and the weather worked right with the character's emotions.

There's a scene where Streep and Philip Seymour Hoffman are in a screaming fight- you hear a loud storm in the  background.  However, as soon as they calm down, the storm is suddenly gone.  It reminded me too much crappy high school theatrical effects, almost.

I think John Patrick Shanley could have done so much more with it had he had someone else adapt it for screen, and someone else direct it.  He should just stick to theatre.

I'm giving it a 5.8/10- probably wouldn't see it again.

When The Brother is in Town, Shit Will go Down

If you didn't know, I have an older Brother. We'll call him BPhil (no his name is not Phil, it just works as a nickname). Well my brother lives year round in London, working for a marketing company, and completing his masters at the London School of Economics. The last time BPhil was home was over a year ago.

Needless to say, a lot has happened over the year. For one, apparently our relationship went from a passionate hatred of sibling rivalry to a friendly brother/sister type...thing, I guess.

Normally we would never exchange gifts, so when I did my holiday shopping I only bought for my parents and Penny.

Well, BPhil arrived last night with gifts in tow for everyone, including me. I received a lovely LSE T-Shirt in which he guessed my size impeccably.

Today I was talking with my mother and told her I needed a gift idea for him, in which I'd go get on Friday, and give to him at the family Hanukkah party that evening.

My mother was quick to tell me that he is in desperate need of cologne, for he has been using his roommates for the past month. Perfect! I thought. I decided to go scope out his things and see if I could find even an empty bottle he might have brought with him in hopes of getting the last drop of cologne.

First I checked the bathroom- no luck, only his tooth brush and his deodorant resided there.

In a brave step, I decided to check BPhil's bedroom, I mean, he hasn't even unpacked yet, right? (Of course he wasn't home when I was doing this, I'm not that sneaky)

I walk into his room and first check the desk- nothing.

His suitcase was lying out open on the floor- I went to go stand over it and take a peak when something screamed out at me.

A lovely little travel box of Trojan Condoms was staring straight at me.

In a quick moment I ran out of his room, down the stairs and confronted my mother.

"Mom, maybe it's best if you just ask BPhil what he wears, and I'll get him whatever cologne he says."


Now, BPhil is almost 25 years old. It's kind of expected, and I'm pleased that he's safe about it...but come on- right on top in his suitcase?!


Merry Christmas Eve to me.

What Happens After High School

It's so weird how people change after high school. Yet, around Christmas, we all act as if it never happened- as if we never just up and left our lives in our hometowns and went away to university- this will be the second year of that for me.

For me, college couldn't have come soon enough. The friends I have that went to my high school I didn't really become friendly with until I was in college. I mean of course there's the select 3 that are my best friends, whom I've known the longest. Other than that though, I was never real close with anyone.

Being home what else is there to do than see those people. Than learn about their new lives and see how much they've really changed. Not everyone changes in a mental or emotional way though- some changes are more physical.

Me for example- most don't know about 'the surgery' I had after graduation, before college.

A good friend of mine just had a 'surgery' of her own. I must say she looks amazing. It's weird how her life is going to change so much now, not just because of the surgery itself, but mostly just from the extreme amount of confidence that accompanies it.

I'm not condoning plastic surgery (although I pretty much am) but those are the kinds of things that happen after high school, after all those awkward stages, and all.


Change- sometimes it's just strange to think about.

Home is Where the Crazy Is

It would seem I can't get through even one day of being home without fighting with my mother. I love her to death but we both have our resentments.

My relationship with my mother is that of a middle school style friendship. We fight all of the time, but we're best friends.

However, when I come home, a lot of the times I feel like her slave. She sees it as I'm being lazy, but I don't think it's really necessary for me to have to go into a different room just to change the channel for her. She's very well capable.

She's already pretty much told me to go back to MSU. Yeah. Ridiculous.

Lets just hope I get through this week without us killing each other.

Writing Reality, Not a Script

Once I was sitting in the library cafe, and these guys were sitting behind me.  I kept catching bits and pieces from their conversations and let me tell you- they were quite ridiculous.

One of the guys was in a relationship.  His issue was should he call the girl because he knew if he didn't he'd get in trouble with her, however, he really didn't feel like talking to her.

The friend was being a total 'bro', if you will.  "Dude, don't call her.  Or call her really late at night after she went to sleep so she won't want to talk to you."

After he finally called her, they continued on with conversation.

The guy with the girlfriend started to tell his friend an elaborate story, in which he obviously put a lot of effort into constructing to make it seem witty and great.

After this guy tells his extremely long story, his friend turns to him and says, "So, I have this problem where I don't listen when people talk, seriously, its been going on forever, ever since I was a little kid.  My teachers and parents would always get so mad, but they knew I couldn't help it.  So, What did you say?"

It's things like this that I need to look for in conversation in order to make my writing more real.  Sometimes I feel like everything I write is so over-scripted.  Of course I'm not just talking about blogging, but the screenplays I am working on as well.

It's hard to always keep these little conversations I overhear in mind while writing, and I find myself going back, over, and over, and over again changing things to make it seem more real.

A Post In Response to a Reader and an Evening of, Well...I Don't Know.

Part A:

Jest (who's blog is AMAZING by the way)  wanted to know why I think NNBoy is a player.  So I thought I'd address that because, as she pointed out, I did mention that before.

The reason I believe this is for a couple reasons.

1.  He's the kind of guy who throws out these wonderful lines that you only hear in movies, to make you (me) feel amazing.  Which got me to thinking- he's way too good at this.

2. The night that NNBoy came to my apartment party he got pretty drunk.  Of course, me being semi-sober, I thought it was a great idea to encourage him to keep drinking.  Well in leu of that, he was unable to even read his text messages- in which he asked me to read one of his.  NNBoy has a fancy phone.  The kind that shows you not only the text in which he received, but the string of texts pertaining to that particular one.

I got to not only read that he is using the same material with some other girl, but also that she might be coming up for a visit and they are planning to see a film together.  Of course I jokingly told him "Wowwwww NNBoy I see you use that line often."  In which he responded- "What?  I mean, she's just this girl  thats been blowing me off and stuff- She offered to pay for a movie so I accepted, thats all- how do I know that you don't have a string of guys that you talk to..etc. etc."

3. Everytime I brought it up- you know, that he's at "playa status" he wouldn't deny it- he would just say something along the lines of "like your phone isn't blowing up from thousands of guys"

4.  He's admitted to the fact that his best friend truly is a player.

To be quite honest- none of this matters to me.  We just met.  I'm trying my hardest not to fall too hard for the kid, and knowing that he could be a player is helping me to keep my guard up a bit.

Part B:

It's funny that Jest has asked about him because tonight him and I hung out.

I had baked cookies today, so I brought over a tupperware of some.

EB: "Hey.  I brought you a present"

NNBoy: "Oh yeah?  Oh..I'm so full"

EB:  "Okay...well eat them later then"

No "thank you for the cookies"- Nothing.

The rest of the night wasn't any better.  It consisted of us 'jokingly' fighting/picking on each other back and fourth.  Unlike most of the times we hung out, he wouldn't cuddle with me.  When I jokingly tackled him he wouldn't kiss me, and when I threatened to leave he didn't care.

I mean, yes, we were joking.  However, if I wanted to be jokingly insulted half the night, I would have called my brother and had a lovely conversation with him.

I finally told him I was leaving and got up.  I told him he might want to come lock the door after me and his response was "I'm not going to get up only so you can come back in here 3 minutes later."

That did it.  He challenged me- I had to.  I left his apartment, left the apartment complex, and drove a couple miles down the road to a friends place in which I spent the night with 4 of my film club guys goofing off, drinking beers, and watching films.

I must say I enjoyed myself much more with them than with him.  Oh, and also- they showed COMPLETE appreciation for the cookies I brought them.

I didn't want to end the night with NNBoy on a bad note so I texted him "Have a good Christmas, see you after the holiday."

His response: "I don't chase if that's what you thought would happen but thanks you too"

My response: "I didn't.  I went out.  Thanks."

I don't like playing games, and I'm not going to put up with someone if I don't think they want me there.

I would, however, like to know what my readers would have done given the same situation.  Was I too harsh?  Did I get my point across?  Do you think NNBoy will ever want to see me again?

How do You Open Up?

So, I realized that I never followed up on here on what's going on with new neighbor boy and I.  I named him Kris but I think I'm going to change it to just NNBoy (new neighbor boy).

We hung out pretty much all week.  And yes, I finally did kiss him... and then some.

The thing about him is, I know he definitely could possibly be a player.  Boys got game.  However, I think I'm starting to really like him.

The whole thing that happened with Ex-Boy the other night (read: a couple posts down) was really me just trying to protect myself from getting hurt by NNBoy- which obviously backfired since nothing actually happened with Ex-Boy.

How do you let yourself open up and trust someone when you've never had it work out before?

It's about that time

It's December 20th.  Christmas is only days away, and the other holidays will come up quite quickly.

In leu of this, I believe it is about that time for this post.  You know, the one about being alone at the holidays.

You see, this is nothing new for me.  I've never been in a relationship during the holidays.  I've never had a boyfriend at Valentine's day (aside from ex-boy who didn't even wish me a happy v-day, let alone take me out).

I'm used to being alone for this.  Usually they are just very festive days of sitting around, bored, watching crappy holiday movies.  Christmas is especially boring considering I'm not christian.

As much as I'm used to this, I have to admit- it still bothers me.  I hate waking up, knowing I will have nothing to do, no one to wrap their arms around me and wish me a happy holidays.

I've learned to depend entirely on blockbuster, chinese food, and my parents.

Lucky for me, this year I have an addition- Penny.  I wonder if dogs really do make good SO* substitutes?

I guess we'll find out.

Ughhh roomies.

I'm getting to the point that my roommates are driving me crazy.

Maybe staying up in E.L over break was a bad idea.  It's just too much time spent together with opposing personalities.

Case A:

Roomie A is a very argumentative person.  Anything I say, he has to refute, even if I say the sky is blue.  After awhile, it makes me insane.

Case B:

Roomie B has a very large movie collection.  However he won't let anyone borrow any of his movies.  Understandable...however, I live in his apartment- if I stole one of his movies, it would be one room over.  I don't see the big deal.  To me that's just him trying to be a douchebag.

I need to get out of here.

This Ship is Shipping On

Today is a new milestone in my life.

Last night we had a little party.  Drunken EB decided to invite over Ex-Boy.

I guess I wasn't really expecting him to show up, but he did.  The party went on.  Nothing really happened, and then it was time for bed.  Throughout all of mine and Ex-Boy's relationship when we were dating I was living in the dorms.  Thus, I would always go to his place and sleep in his bed, not the other way around because I had a roommate.

Last night was the first night that he's ever slept in my bed with me.

If you'd ask me last night before bed if I was going to hook up with my ex, I'm pretty sure the answer would sound something like this, "Ummm, yahhh, wanna shot?!"

However, once we got into bed, something just didn't feel right.  He put his arm around me and we started  to spoon, but even that didn't feel as comfortable and safe as I remember it.  Slowly his arm relaxed away from me, probably when he realized that I wasn't going to make the first move.  We drifted off to  sleep, an entire foot between us.

Early this morning he woke up and left to go to work.  I laid in bed and thought about how I was happy nothing happened.  How I really wasn't as comfortable with him as I used to be.

I think I have finally gotten over Ex-Boy...

..and it feels damn good.

Time to move on, or as one of my favorite music artists (Mirah) would say, "This ship is shipping on".

Another List

Things to do over break

1. Alcohol test online

2. Clean bathroom

3. Clean ceiling fan

4. vacuum bedroom

5. scrub down kitchen/floor

6. vacuum family room

7. dust

8. buy books

9. sell back books

10. return blockbuster movies

Oh boy.

Oh gosh.

Everything is bad.

This kid is actually really cool and I'm trying really hard not to fall for him, because he very well could be a player.

With that said, tonight was fun.  We cuddled and watched all of Entourage season 1 together- no kissing- I followed my rules.

However, I came home to a facebook "poke".  I think pokes are stupid- I don't really understand them.  But this one was the worst because of who it was from...

Ex-Boy.

All of the sudden?  Yeah, I don't get it either.

Date to come

There are a lot of little quirks about me that are sometimes hard to justify, yet, I do my best.

One being my inability to stick to what I say, mainly speaking about conversing with Ex-Boy. Yeah, remember that resolution? I've failed already. I found myself instant messaging him out of boredom. But I do realize this must stop.

It can't be healthy to let this one 8 month relationship to extend awkwardly for over a year. At some point one must move on. That point is now.

The new neighbor guy- Lets call him... ohh Kris? Yes, Kris. Well, Kris and I are going to have a stay-in date tonight. It will consist of season 1 of Entourage, and that's it.

I'm setting rules for myself this time. I've jumped into this kind of thing before, going way too fast, and we all know how that turned out (read: Neighbor boy [the original]).

Rule 1: I've just met this guy, therefore there is no reason to kiss him just yet. That would be moving too fast. No matter how much I want to.

Rule 2: No sleeping over. I don't care if my bed gets lit on fire and his bed is the only one available, and he offers to sleep on the couch- NO SLEEPING OVER.

Rule 3: I'm getting to know him. Thus meaning, I don't know him. No letting my guard down.

Rule 4: The second I find out he's a player, I'm done. I've had enough of those and look where it's gotten me (read: Ex boy, The Let Down, Neighbor boy, Summer Filing)

I know this sound ridiculous- but if I don't set these rules for myself, it'll just end badly.

Post on date 1 to come tomorrow.

What Other Kind of Trouble can I get Myself Into?

Hmm.  Where to start, where to start?

Well, it is now winter break.  I was home for a day or two, just to get my beloved laptop fixed and pick up my pup.  Last night I decided to make the venture back up to East Lansing with the darling Penny Lane.  It was snowing, wet, and rainy.  Not fun.

I pulled up to my apartment around 6:45-7ish.  I brought penny up to my room then went back down to carry all of my stuff, which I had a lot because of Penny's crate.  When I got up there I opened the door and the two roommates that are still here were setting up for a party.  Great, I thought, this is going to be stressful.

As I was unloading my car, another car pulled up and parked next to mine.  A guy got out of it...a cute guy.  He started to walk inside but then turned back around.  "Hey, do you need help carrying anything?"

I have to say...I was shocked.  It's not often that guys pull a gentleman move on me.  At first I said no, but before he walked away I changed my mind and said yes.  Penny's crate is a bitch to carry up 3 flights of stairs, afterall.

So we chit chatted for a minute as we carried my stuff up.  When we got to my door I opened it, he came in to put penny's crate down, and I introduced him to the roomies, and invited him to the party (completely not expecting him to come).

Somewhere in between all of this I found out he's my neighbor...great.  ANOTHER neighbor boy.  We won't give him a name yet because we don't know where this will go.

Lets just say, he spit some mad game, but I resisted.  I've made that mistake once already.  I did, however, give him my number.

Oh and also-  the original Neighbor Boy came over to the party because my dumb ass roommate decided to invite him.  I was on the new guy's team and he was on a team with one of my friends.  Let me tell you- the two neighbor boys were going at it- verrrrry competitive.

Fuck. My. Life.

The Irony is Killing me Slowly

This is creepy.

A friend was over tonight and we got to 'girl talking' about our exes and such.  She asked me about how long it has been since any physical contact with Ex-Boy.

I really wasn't sure so I got on my trusty facebook to look up my past events.  I knew it was the night of Tour De Franzia.

I found it and it just so happened to be exactly 3 months ago from today, around right now.

Right as I told her that I get an instant message on my iChat.

Who is it from? Ex-boy.

I had a quote up as my away message from my favorite book, Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk.

Ex Boy: Weird away message

Me: How so?

Ex Boy's away message:  DD for the night

Me: Anyhow, it's a quote from a chuck palahniuk book

Ex Boy: Who's that?

Me: he wrote the book Fight Club and Choke

Ex Boy: Ah nice.  Brb DD time

So he was obviously sober.  What, after all of this time made him decide to make contact?

Sometimes, I hate how ironic my life has become.

I get myself in trouble

The thing about hanging out with all guys is that I forget that, in reality, I'm not just one of the guys.

I am a girl.  A girl who finds some of her guy friends attractive.  When the liquid courage is flowing and I'm basking in the fact that I'm hanging out with a bunch of attractive guys and I'm the only girl, I forget that most of them don't look at me like that.  Rather, just one of the guys with my own little quirk (mine just happens to be that I'm female).

Don't get me wrong- obviously, based on what happened in leu of our winning the film competition, some of them don't just look at me as one of the boys.

But for the most part, that's how it goes.

Although it'd be nice to say- yeah I get to hang out with all of these guys and they all want me; I can't.

And you know what?  I think I'm okay with that.

Sometimes it's nice to just hang out with the opposite sex with no sexual tension in the way.

Go Red Wings!

The city of Detroit always provides me with the best stories.

So, instead of doing what everyone else at MSU is doing right now, which is studying like crazy for finals, I agreed to accompany my friend, Koz, to the Red Wings Game tonight (last night?).

My schedule for today was- wake up, miss blowing, be hysterical, talk to probation, calm down, go home, go to the wings game, go get food, come back to MSU, and work 3-7 AM.

Not much time for anything remotely resembling sleep.

~~~~~~~~~

Koz and I meet up and we drive to Detroit (the Joe Louis Arena) for the game.  For some reason, probably because I've only ever been to a wings game when I was little, I didn't think the JL Arena was in D-twon.  But it is.

So we took the People mover to the arena from where we parked (the ren center).

~~~~~~~~~~

Before we went, Koz had told me our seats are a surprise- knowing Koz I knew this either meant they were really really good, or really really bad.  Well I was lucky- they were really really good.

We were sitting in section 114 (ground section) row 3 (right  behind the goalie) seats 5 and 6.  AMAZING seats.  My pictures turned out awesome.  Not to mention the wings kicked ass- won 4 to 3 in OVERTIME!

~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the game it's time to try and find our way out of the madness.  First we wait in a ridiculous line for the people mover.  Bad idea.  After thinking about it thoroughly we decide to walk aimlessly around detroit trying to navigate to the Ren Center from Joe Louis.  Not very easy, let me tell you.

We end up deciding to walk through Cobo (some big building in D-Town).  While we are walking a man approaches us.  Of course, he is one of Detroit's finest (a bum). 

Bum:  Everyone needs to get one of these! (holds toothpick up with a little american flag attached)

Koz: (being the sweet guy he is) Thanks!

Bum:  want to make a donation to the vets now?

Koz: I only have a 20 on me

Bum: I have change

Koz: give me 15 back. (bless his soul)

Bum: wanna give me another 5 dollars for your wife?

Me: I don't need a flag, thanks.

So within the course of five minutes Koz got conned into giving this bum 5 dollars.  And we apparently pulled off the married look.  Cute.

We then decided the whole walking idea was, in fact, a bad idea.  So we hopped on the People mover at Cobo.  Finally made it to the car after getting lost inside the ren center, then grabbed a bite to eat at Denny's.

~~~~~~~~~~~

After all of that I drove back to Lansing.  I'm surprised I didn't get into an accident or pulled over considering I was pretty much falling asleep at the wheel.  I had to pull over a couple times to regain my composure.  It was a stressful drive.

The game, however, was totally worth it!

Things To Look Forward To

-Wings game

-The holidays

-Winter break in general

-Pistons game (?)

-New Years

-New classes

-January 19th

-January 29th

-London/Paris in the spring

-April 14th

Lets Compete

I have a vice that I need to overcome.  I've been doing this for as long as I can remember.  I have no idea where it came from and why I continue to think this way, but I do.  It needs to stop.

I've noticed that I'm a very competitive person.  Sometimes this is okay.  However, I find myself  being competitive in situations where there is no need for competition.

For example-

1. School

I do this in classes.  I constantly compare myself to others.  I look at their grades and if they do better, I get angry.  No matter who studied more, no matter who understands the material better, I get mad.

2. Acting

As you all know, in recent weeks I've gotten pretty into film club which has revived my passion for acting.  FA is also very much into acting so when I found out about different auditions I'd let him know about them.  Well, I've started realize how I'm secretly making every audition into a competition.  He may not know it, and even though it's impossible for us to be competing for roles (he's obviously male and I'm obviously female), I find myself in intense competition to do better than him.  I secretly hope he does poorly at all of his auditions and when it turns out opposite I get pissed off.

What is it about myself that makes me compare myself to others.  I've been doing this forever with my brother.  I constantly compare everything I've received in life to everything he ever got, which only leaves me coming up disappointed.

How do you change the way you think when it's all you've ever known?

How do you come to accept a change when you don't even know where your former behavior stems from?

Dinner for Two

With courtesy to www.allrecipes.com roomie and I made a beautiful dinner for ourselves.

"Herb Risotto"

Ingredients

• 3 tablespoons canola oil
• 3 tablespoons butter
• 1 cup trimmed, diced fennel bulb
• 1 red bell pepper, diced
• 1 yellow onion, diced
• 3 cloves garlic, minced
• 3 tablespoons chopped fresh mint, divided
• 3 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley, divided
• 2 tablespoons chopped fresh rosemary, divided
• 2 teaspoons grated lemon zest, divided
• 1/2 teaspoon ground coriander
• 1 1/2 cups uncooked Arborio rice
• 1/2 cup dry white wine
• 3 1/2 cups chicken stock
• salt and pepper to taste
• 1 1/2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
• 1/3 cup grated Parmesan cheese

Directions

1. Heat oil and butter in a medium heavy saucepan over medium heat. Add fennel, bell pepper, onion, garlic, 1 1/2 tablespoons mint, 1 1/2 tablespoons parsley, 1 tablespoon rosemary and 1 teaspoon lemon zest. Saute, stirring, until vegetables are slightly softened (about 2 to 3 minutes).

2. Stir in coriander and rice and saute, stirring, until rice grains are oil-coated (about 3 minutes). Pour in wine and stock and reduce heat to medium low. Simmer uncovered for 20 to 25 minutes, or until liquid is almost absorbed and rice is tender but firm. (Note: Stir once or twice while simmering.)

3. Remove pan from heat and season with salt and pepper to taste. Stir in remaining mint, parsley, rosemary and lemon zest, then add lemon juice and cheese. Cover saucepan with waxed paper and let stand 8 to 10 minutes before serving.

This dinner turned out AMAZING.  Leave it to the roomies to cheer me up after a stressful week :)

Too much on the mind

I think it's about time to get serious about school.

I only have one more final that actually matters, and that is to take place Tuesday evening.

I kind of wish I didn't have a month off from school because I feel like school would take my mind off of all the things bothering me.

Here's the list:

1. Contact with 'The Let Down'

2. The crush I have on FA that I can't seem to shake.

3. Still find myself talking to Ex-Boy

4. Auditions gone awry

5. Auditions I thought I did well at and obviously didn't

I just feel kind of down.  I like the feeling of new classes and completely throwing myself into them.

I know that as soon as my finals are done I'm going to do a deep clean of the apartment, so that should take my mind off of things for, ohh, about a day or two.  What to do for the rest of the month I have off?

Star Status

Lets face it.  When it came to acting in high school I never really had that confidence that probably would have helped me nail every audition.

After doing well in the 48/5, however, I'm feeling that "I'm awesome" feeling.  I don't think it has quite crossed over to cocky yet (although I did make a paparazzi joke in reference to me arriving at a party today) and I'm hoping it never does.

I had two auditions this past week.  One was for a film for an MSU film seminar class.  I think I did well- got a lot of laughs (the roles I auditioned for were comedic).

The other was a for a filmmakers club film being made, of which I really think I nailed.

Two conclusions I've come to:

1.  Confidence makes all the difference- The fact that I'm the only girl in Film Club helps because I get a lot more attention than I'm used to.

2. Acting for film is so much easier than acting on stage-  Stage acting is over dramatized and I always felt like when I auditioned for a stage production I had to a. overact and b. be as 'different' from the others as possible.  With film everything is on much more of a 'real' scale.  No overacting, really, and you don't worry so much about being different from the other auditionees but rather conveying the right emotions.

Lets hope that I get a part in either one.  I'd be happy with either.

And now...I must return to the dreaded accounting- which I only have to worry about for 4 more days before it's out of my life FOREVERRRRR!

A Dream...A really really annoying dream.

Have you ever woken up from a dream and just thought t yourself- "I hate my  mind for letting me dream that?"

This just happened to me.  Literally, like 10 minutes ago.  I had to go do a PBT this morning so when I came back I went back to sleep for a couple hours because I am exhausted.

Well in this course of a couple hours I dreamt this-

I was with my parents and Ex-Boy showed up (in whom my parents actually like in the dream- and they kind of liked him in real life.. weird.)  So Him and I start talking and we end up kissing.  I kind of tell him something like, "Maybe I'll see you tomorrow."  He's actually down for it.  So it's all set to see him tomorrow.

All of the sudden I end up at a Rite-Aid.  I'm shopping for make up and apparently they sold fashion boots there, in my dream, so I was shopping for those too.  They didn't have my size however so my Mom, who was with me, told me to call their hotline.  I called and they never actually helped me, which was fine, cause I forgot about it.

At one point a women came and was helping me and then she was locking up the store so we all left behind her.

Cut to a situation in which I have NO CLUE how I got there, how it came about, etc.  I'm at 'The Let Down's' house.  It's him, I, his *cringes* wife, his mother, some male family members, my mother, etc.  It would seem we were celebrating something that reminded me of a superbowl.

Some people leave and it turns into a murder scene.  There's a killer going around killing people.  So some of the people go for help (I think LD went to go get help but I'm not sure).  I come around the corner of the hallway to the family room only to find LD's wife getting her throat slit.  I try to stop the killer but can't, so I take their mask off.  It was some girl whom I can't remember he significance in the dream.  She ends up leaving.  I try to save LD's wife but it's too late.

Now everyone for the most part is back.  It's almost as if they forgot about LD's wife, or they don't care, like it's no big deal.  He didn't seem to care either.  He's in his room and I go in.  We start to have a serious talk about the past.  Sometime between this and us being in the hallway together we decide we need to be together.  We need to be in a relationship.

We kiss, we hug, we become inseparable.  We tell EVERYONE how happy we are and that we decided to be together.  I tell my mom, and she's very wary of it.  Then I tell her that we are in a relationship, deal with it, and we'll be getting married...

In the dream I change my  FACEBOOK RELATIONSHIP STATUS (SO LAME) to in a relationship.  However I strictly remember LD's last name from the dream and it's not his real last night.  In the dream it was something like 'EB is now in a relationship with LD Libb.  It was either Libb or Libby, but it was so strange.

Cut to the bedroom.  We are laying together talking, happy as can be, and we decide, this is our happy ending.

Someone...Please please please interpret...

I'm not playing it, I AM it.

Does 'playing hard to get' really work?  I was 'reflecting', if you will, on old conversations I've had with people via email and facebook messages.  I got pretty far back, all the way into the beginnings of Ex-Boy and I's first 'date' after the hookup.  When I was reading our messages, I couldn't help but think of how disinterested I sounded with him.  I just didn't seem to be that into him.

Truth is, in the beginning, I wasn't interested in him.  I was still hung up on 'The Let Down' and all I could think of was, what the hell does this kid have to offer.

I was totally playing Samantha on Sex and the  City- you know, how she's really only down for one night deals.  That's what I though Ex Boy was going to be.

It would also seem that the fact that I was so disinterested in Ex-Boy is what kept the conversation flowing.  The more I made excuses not to hang out or broke plans or whatever, the more he kept asking me out, and kept saying all the cute things that would have made me smitten when I wanted him back oh so much after the break up.

I'm starting to truly think that the independent women, the disinterested women, the girl who isn't really 'playing' hard to get, but rather the one that is hard to get, is the girl guys are interested in.

What's so attractive about disinterest?

It rings true both ways, it would seem.  The more I try to make plans with FA that don't work out, the more I want to snag him.

What do you think?

I miss him

You don't realize how much a person has broken you until you're in retrospect.  When I received 'The Let Down's' response via email, I came to tears.  Not because it was mean or anything, just because I never realized how broken I really am because of him.

He broke my heart.  He did.  And now we're emailing. 

I feel relieved, upset, sad, scared, and nervous all at once.

We are to meet up around Christmas and I'll get my book.  Maybe then, once and for all, we can talk, and then... it will really  be over.  Because I can't have someone who broke my spirit soo much, in my life.  It isn't healthy.

As much as I love him and want him there...I can't.

I Hope I Won't Regret This

I don't know if I'm going to regret this or not, but I made contact with The Let Down.

It's been over a year since I've last talked to him.  I used to think about him every day.  After a couple months it became less and less frequent.  I still think about him from time to time but I know that what happened had happened for a reason.  I'm in a much better place- although I still seem to aim pretty low when it comes to men in my life.

He still has (hopefully) my book.  Franny and Zooey by: JD Salinger.  One of my favorite authors.  I really just want my book back.

My email to him was short, and sweet.  He most likely won't respond.  He definitely won't expect it.  Hell, I didn't even expect I'd be emailing him.  For some reason though, he came across my mind, like most things locked away in the confines of my mind do at 6 AM after being up for almost 24 hours.

Lets hope I get my book back over break.  That's all I can ask for...

This Could Get Interesting

Lets say I have an evil twin.  Lets also say this twin is somewhat of a make-out whore.

You see, on monday, in leu of celebration over winning the 48/5, as you already know, I got pretty drunk.  When I get as drunk as I got the evil twin tends to take over me.  And I tend to kiss more people than intended.

All would be fine, had there not been photographic evidence of both incidences.  Yes, I kissed FA... Apparently I also kissed, lets call him CS (costar, perhaps?).  Okay, it's way more than apparent, I think I knew what I was doing the whole time.  At least my twin knew what she was doing.

Normally this wouldn't matter.  However, I actually like FA, which makes me worried that I'm jeopardizing the possibilities I have with him.  I'm just hoping that he doesn't ever get hold of the photos.  Because not only would he see a cute make-out pic of us, but he'd also see one of CS and I.  

Did I mention that CS, FA, and I are all supposed to road trip together this break to our director's hometown to film some?

Like I said, this could get interesting...