Neighbor Boy, Cosi, Accounting, and Obama

Okay. I guess my last post wasn't very fair of me to introduce a new character of my life without going into any kind of detail. Neighbor Boy is exactly that- my neighbor. We met when I was visiting my apartment before I moved in and I saw him with his massive beast of a puppy. We struck up conversation and he invited me to a party of his.

Skip to Welcome week when we party together a couple times, start to drunkenly make-out (read: hook up), kind of date-ish for two weeks, and then stop due to a string of events that pissed me off.

Well, we haven't exactly made up, but we are on better terms than we were. It's kind of at this awkward, "I'm still mad at you because you didn't give me the apology I think I deserved, yet I don't want to be a total douche bag" Stage.

So now that you've been introduced to another one of the many awkward flings I've had- you'll have a good foundation just in case any other stories come of it (which, at this point, I'm doubting they will).

In other news:

Recently, every Wednesday, I've been going out to dinner with one of my friends (she happens to be roommates with Ex Boy, but I love her to death).  Well tonight we decided to hit up a cosy (no pun intended) little cafe type restaurant called Cosi.  It's absolutely adorable.  We shared a flat bread BBQ Chicken pizza and to top it off had s'mores for dessert.  They even gave us a little burner thing that they ignited with a match and all.  If you've never been there I suggest you try it- it's not too expensive for two people ($25).

Also:

I'm at the library right now procrastinating my studies.  I know, I know, I should get back to work, but for some reason Blogger seems so much more appealing than studying for my Accounting exam that is to take place on Friday.

ALSO:

BIG news!  Barrack Obama is coming to MSU TOMORROW!  I will be attending.  All I will say is this:  People are allowed to have opinions.  Me, I'm an independent when it comes to politics and I'm more fond of McCain than Obama, I will admit.  However, I believe it's important to hear both sides and make an informed decision, and since I get to have the opportunity to do so, right from the horse's mouth, why not? I'm very fond of Biden, and I feel he would make an outstanding VP, Palin- not so much.  All I know, the next four years are going to be interesting, regardless of which party is in power.

Bus Rides on Campus and Family Portraits

Alright Kiddies-
Lets start with my bus ride this afternoon to class. For one, I live a good 20 minute bus ride off campus (about 5-7 miles), which leaves me lots of time to people watch. Today Neighbor Boy, who I'll elaborate on another day, and I happened to be leaving at the same time so we took the same bus into campus. Well as I sat down I noticed something weird. There were a bunch of open seats, however some girl (I'd say 19 or 20) was standing up by the bus driver. As I was riding the bus I couldn't help but overhear their conversation.

This mid-40's, I'd say, bus driver was spitting mad game at this chick. Full on flirting. I was waiting for him to take her right then and there. Normally, this would just cause for good entertainment (it was), but the driver kept running lights and skipping stops! I just wonder if he's ever really going to get a change to "read her paper" she wrote last night...

Moving on, when I moved in with A,B, and C (refer to roommates label), we had planned on painting one of the walls in the family room and hanging pictures. Well that never happened. Instead, one boring evening, me and B decided to "decorate". This involved one paper plate, markers, and resulted in a "family portrait" AKA stick figures of each of the roomies with big smiles + a shitty drawing of Penny, my pup. I was looking at it today, and I must say, it is quite awesome. However, it's so lonely!! What other "paper plate-esque" things can I make to spice up our family room?

Give me ideas people!





(P.S. sorry for such a lame post- my creativity has been cut short with me having been so busy studying for midterms :-/)

A Blog About Blogging

That's right. A Blog about blogging. I'd just like to say, ever since I revamped my blog (I like the results, minus the tiny font it's not letting me change :-/) I've noticed myself constantly on the look out for funny conversations, day to day events, or other situations that I can write about for you fine people to enjoy. A lot of the things that go on in my life, i'd like to think, are blog-worthy. I have gotten myself into some incredibly hilarious situations.

However, last year I got myself in some trouble with blogging when I vented about issues going on involving other people- I said some nasty things and, apparently, those people's friends were reading my blog and then had them check it out. I've learned my lesson from that, but I also wonder, where is the line drawn at writing about situations that happen to you, that involve other people- that can be humorous and not offensive, and blogging about situations that could embarrass said party?

Something my roommate last year mentioned to me, which is great advice, is that she would always change the names of people she wrote or journalized about. It was funny because it kind of foreshadowed the actual event where I hadn't changed names and got myself in trouble.

I digress.

I could change the names, however if the people actually read it, they'd still know it was about them. I mean, the situations I'm thinking about aren't things that could actually hurt the person- only help them in the sense that they get a glimpse of how I view the "friendship" we have, or read about a day to day interaction I've had with them. IF they said something stupid I could understand them being embarrassed about it being in public for people to read about, however, if their name is changed no one would actually know it's them...

Do you see the catch 22?

I guess I'm going to have to leave a disclaimer.

DISCLAIMER: This blog is an uncensored view of my life, events that take place in it, conversations I have, things i've found funny, situations I or my friends get me into, etc. etc. If I write about you (changing your name of course) and you don't want people to know you said something stupid, or we got into a fight, or you really did fuck that fat chick that one time, then don't fess up and tell people you're the one with the name changed. Otherwise- FAIR GAME.


Okay- that was a little harsh- but I think you get my point- I won't be blatantly mean saying so and so was a bitch etc. etc. as long as you can handle me using your shortcomings at humor and entertainment for the readers-sake ;-)

I think that's good enough; covers all my bases.

First Dates and a Little Advice

Courtesy of www.everydaypeoplecartoons.com

I can't say that I've ever really been on a first date. When I dated Ex Boy (that's what we'll call him from here on out) we had met at a party, things went on from there, and after he drove me home the morning after on his bike, he found me on facebook and asked me out to ice cream. I don't count that as a first date considering the night's circumstances previous to the 'date', if you will.

There has always been other little flings and such, but never a 'first date'.

What would you consider a first date, though? I consider it taking place after a situation where you meet someone for the first or second time, you find each other interesting, and one of the parties asks the other to dinner/ movie/ bowling/ zoo/ paintball/ chuckEcheese/ skydiving/etc. (I think you get the point)

Maybe this doesn't happen anymore. Maybe I'm so lost when it comes to this kind of stuff that I'm completely off base.

HOWEVER:

My advice to guys-
Hooking up with a girl does not constitute as a first date. Neither does hooking up with her, then taking her out to dinner. If you want to do it 'right', at least what I would consider to be right, the date comes before. If you're truly interested in someone- wait until AFTER a date to bone them. The interest you have in them will just shine through so much clearer.

Not that I'm saying flings/relationships/whatever can't come from a random or not-so-random hook up, but ideally things work out better when sex isn't automatically added into the equation- from my opinion, at least.

Emotional Mothers, Un-home-like Visits Home, And Lonely Texting

Does anyone else's mom get ridiculously emotional at complete random?

My mom and I are talking about how Penny will be recovered in a couple weeks and then she'll come to State. I also mentioned how in the spring I'll help her find a good puppy and then Penny will have a friend on the occasional weekends that I come home. All of the sudden my mother started to burst into tears. "I'm just going to miss her so sooo much," she bawled. Seriously? If you didn't know, my parent's house is only an hour from my University. It's no big deal.

Moms are crazy. For real.

I can't wait to get back to my apartment. Luckily I'm only staying another night here.

Speaking of sleeping at my parent's house, I found it really difficult last night to sleep in my bed and feel at home. I know that's weird since I did live here for 18 years, but it just doesn't seem like home anymore. Needless to say, I ended up passing out on the couch to one of my all time favorite movies, Closer, only waking up to a couple texts in the wee hours of the morning.

Does anyone else experience this? I would call it drunk texting, but I don't think that's necessarily the words I'm looking for. I think I'm these people's lonely textee. As in when it's late at night and they're all alone and bored, I'm the one they turn to to fill that void- but only between the hours of 1:30 and 4 AM. Oh, and of course only on weekends when there isn't a home football game, as in most people go home and there are less parties to attend.

Anyways, more to come on those texts at a later date.

A Funny Conversation.

My father and I were in the car going to pick up turkey for Penny (that's right, it's all she'll eat in her moment of pain), and movies for the evening. We start talking about my love life... unfortunately.

Me: I'll be lucky if I find anyone.

Dad: D, not only will you find a boy, you will find a beautiful boy, and he will be Jewish, and you will marry him, and believe it or not, you will like him so much, you will even have children with him.

Me: Oh gosh, thanks for the fairytale ending Dad! More like nightmarish ending...

Dad: Well the best news is your children will be complete and total brats. They'll make you and your brother look like perfect Angels.

Me: Why is that?

Dad: To make up for all the times you were moody as a teenager.



Skip to talking about men who are attracted to fat women...

Dad: The only reason men go for fat women is because they have low self esteem- being with the fat girl makes them look better to themselves...

Me: That's so not true, some men seriously just like a thicker kind of woman.

Dad: D, you want to know how to have sex with a fat woman? Roll her in flour and look for the wet spot.

Me:..........That was so wrong Dad. EW.... HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA.





Seriously- this may sound so fucked up, but that's how a lot of our conversations take place, especially when it's just us driving in a car. We have that weird relationship where he tells me dirty jokes and then tells me I have to be a virgin until I die...or until I get married. And then he gets all sensitive...yada yada yada etc. etc.

My Precious

As we speak, Penny, my awesome puppy (the one in the profile picture), is getting spayed. That's right, we're taking away her right to have children. We are also taking away the lovely privilege of going through heat. Needless to say, I think she'll live.

Penny has been living with my parents for the past two or three weeks. Yes, this really does irk me. I bought Penny in April and picked her up in June, and between then and now have probably spent somewhere around $1000 on her. For a poor and starving college student, that's quite a bit of money.

When I got Penny, my WHOLE family told me how she would end up being my mother's dog, and I'd leave her at home etc. etc. That really bothered me because I've never put so much love, time, and money into something like I have with Penny- she truly is MY dream dog.

This summer, you know, the one spent dying at home, my mother fell head-over-heels in love with my puppy. She calls Penny, "The baby". No joke.

Well when I got up to school the first week my mother said I'd be too busy partying so Penny must stay home with her Grandma (read:my mother) so I can party it up. I thought this was ridiculous but oh well, I guess she can have her for one week at a time. Then Penny came up to school for a week or two- YAY! This is where it gets messy- She was supposed to be spayed the following week that I had her, so she was to go home, get spayed, and recover with my mom, then she'd be back up to State. Well when I brought her home that week, we ended up changing the spay date because my aunt so generously was going to pay for her to be spayed at a nicer vet's office (which was pretty pricey, so I wasn't about to pass that up). I was going to bring her back to school with me for the three weeks before her spay, but low and behold, grandma won again, and said that she wanted her with her and I'd be too busy with football season and going to the games to take care of her. HELLO?! I bought her knowing it was football season, she would be fine, a game is only 3 hours and besides- I think she'd LOVE tailgating with me and all my friends.

So here we are. Finally spay date. She's under the knife as I type! After she recovers- probably a week or two at the most, she will be back up to State...FOR GOOD!

My mother, bless her heart, will be completely, and utterly, heartbroken.

She'll get over it.

TGIF

Happy Friday all of you out there in Blogger-land!! So i've discovered that people actually read this! For those of you reading this, I really hope that you enjoy it. I also want to apologize for the mess of a blog that it is. I'm very ADD and I'm sure that shines through in my blogging.


On that note- So in case you all didn't know, I live off-campus at my University in an apartment. I have three roommates, and they are all guys. Going into it, my biggest thought was, "yay! all boys- no drama!" This, actually, for the most part, rings true- go me! However, sometimes it can be really awkward/funny.


I don't really know how the guys think of me (all of them being friends of mine from last year) so I just assume that they think of me as a girly-girl- the kind that doesn't poop/fart/burp/make messes. I'm sure, by now, they've learned that I'm not the tidiest of roommates, but I do/try my best. Of course- this is just howI think that they think of me. In reality, they probably just think of me as one of the guys- but for the purpose of the story- lets say they consider me a girl ;-)

So last night Roommate A was just relaxing, Roommate B was entertaining a lady, and Roomie C was sleeping. Me, being the girl that I am, didn't think about buying a plunger when I went shopping for the apartment (it's 4 bed, 4 bath, so we all have our own bathrooms). This proved to be a mistake because last night my toilet decided to clog. I'm not going to lie, I got really embarrassed. In my mind the guys think girls don't clog toilets- they just think girls sit there and look pretty and that's the extent of it. By the time I finally got my nerve up to go ask one of the roomies for a plunger, A (who I'm closer with) and C (who I have sort of a weird history with) were both asleep. So I go to Roomie B. Well he had K (the girl) here. I was SO embarrassed to have to ask him to borrow a plunger- I think I turned bright red. So he agrees to give it to me, I use it, and I succeed (YAY points for me!). Now here's the part where awkwardness hits. I have to return the plunger. What do I do? Do I just go up to him and say- here's your plunger from last night. I just wish I didn't have to draw more attention to the fact that I clogged my toilet. Of course, I know this is ridiculous because anyone in their right mind wouldn't care if I clogged my own toilet.


It's these little things that make me so self-conscious living with all guys.

Wish me luck- off I go to return the damn thing!

These nights

You know those nights, the ones where you should have just called someone, or you should have just settled on going out wherever, even if you didn't really want to go there? That's tonight. I was so stressed all week, and I finished Accounting early (go figure), and then I was bored. I tried to set stuff up- the things I really wanted to do/places I wanted to go- epic fail. So here I sit, with not even semi-attractive offers, alone.

Then I think- stop feeling sorry for yourself- call them again to see if they're ready to hang out! No. Not a good plan.


Maybe- Put a movie on, you'll feel better? Which movie? The saddest one you have. No- why do I want to stay sad.


Perhaps- get ahead in Macro and do homework- been doing that all week- hell no.


So maybe I should just go to bed. It's nights like these where nostalgia kicks in, and I start wondering about those people previously in my life that I shouldn't be wondering about. How do you get those people off your mind? You don't. They're engraved there on purpose- that's what their whole point was- to leave their nasty imprint on your life, so you have nothing better to do except think about what they're doing. So lame.

Paint. That's what I'll do. Haven't done it in a while- Awful at it, yet it makes me feel better. Perhaps it can pull me out of my sad funk...

STRESS!

Midterms cause me loads of stress. That's all there is to it. Every night I've been lurking in the library studying away. I creep myself out with how studious i've become. Even so, I still feel like i've accomplished nothing. I'm NOT ready for this midterm. Anymore that I cram into my little head will just be moot.

The worst part:
I have my midterm today, one on tuesday, one the following friday, and one the next week! That whole finding a job thing- not going to be happening until I get through all of these exams!


On an even sadder not- Penny gets spayed on Saturday. My mother went to k-mart and bought her a babies onesie to wear. Apparently putting Penny in baby clothes will prevent her from licking her stitches- but the verdicts still out on that one ;-)

I must mention, contrary to popular belief, I HATE the Ottoman Empire. The class I have a midterm in today is called ISS 315: World Globalization- The Modern Middle East. Therefore, everything for todays exam focuses on the Ottoman Empire. Let me just say, the Ottoman Empire was one messy son of a bitch.

I should probably go study my flash-cards before the actual midterm.

Wish me luck- I'll need it.

The Soundtrack To My Life

Well, it's a new day and I'm feeling good. Aside from the fact that I'm overwhelming myself with procrastination for my exam on Thursday. I should be studying but instead I'm freaking myself out about the exam. That's right- instead of actually studying for it- I'm just complaining about it. Oh well.

So today has been, fan-freaking-tastic. There is no sarcasm there. I slept in, I took my time doing my hair, I went to class and sat next to the cutest little asian girl (she even befriended me, and invited me for traditional chinese food and tea- SCORE!), and then I came home, went to the bank, and here I am. A very chill, mild, laid back day. Congrats, to me.


If you could pick the soundtrack to your life thus far, what would it be? I've been thinking about this a lot lately, yet every time I try to craft it I notice all my songs are about unrequited love- epic fail in my opinion. I'm finally going to just do it- craft it and try to make it as less 'emo' as I can.

1. Be Here Now- Ray LaMontagne
This song has the best introduction- it just builds and builds. It's the perfect start to the soundtrack of my life. Not to mention the lyrics take over with "Don't let your mind get weary..." etc. etc. It's just great.

2. Put Your Records On- Corinne Bailey Ray
It's happy, it's sunny, it reminds me of children playing- it goes here in my soundtrack with my adolescence.

3. Follow You Down- Gin Blossoms
Remember how popular this song was in the 90's? 'Nuff said.

4. Such Great Heights- Postal Service
Remember that time when you're in middle school and there's that one boy that you absolutely think you love, even though you don't. I'd imagine this would be the kind of song I'd listen to over and over again thinking about him being with you.

5. Delicate- Damien Rice
This song describes that actual relationship part of one of my relationships.

6. Screaming Infidelities- Dashboard Confessional
The break up aftermath.

7. Cannonball- Damien Rice
The "getting over you by listening to music" phase.

8. Dreaming With A Broken Heart- John Mayer
The "come back to me please" song- that you then realize- isn't going to bring them back.

9. Love Is A Battlefield- Pat Benatar
Every girl better know these words.

10. Someone Somewhere- Jason Reeves
The song you listen to when you know, it will work out, maybe it didn't last time, but eventually, you'll find someone just right.

11. Recommendations- Mirah
Insert "random dance break" here.

12. Don't Stop Believing- Journey
My "reach for the sky" song.

13. Seventeen Forever- Metrostation
Sometimes everyone wishes they could have stayed 17 forever.

14. California- Joni Mitchell
Every girl should have at least one Joni Mitchell song on their life soundtrack

15. Ice Ice Baby- Vanilla Ice
Just because everyone needs a rap song in their soundtrack

16. My Best Friend- Weezer
I have friends like this :-)

17. Winding Road- Bonnie Somerville
This is my 'wind it down' song

18. Hands Down- Dashboard Confessional
This is the perfect ending song.



I suggest everyone goes through their iTunes and picks their songs. It feels great to realize that more of your songs are happy than sad :)

Cuteness.

This is one of the cutest blogs I've stumbled across thus far.http://clevergirlgoesblog.blogspot.com/ That one, along with- http://bloggingbarbie.wordpress.com/ Two women with awesome blogging power.

Today I spent a total of 9 hours studying for Macroeconomics- the worst part, I feel like I know less than I did before I started. My life is the biggest distraction in the way of school right now. If it weren't for these silly decisions I make when I have a moment of weakness, or when I'm drinking for that fact, I think I'd be better off.

Lets start from the beginning because I've always been very vague about it.


1. I dated a boy last year. On and off for about seven months. It started welcome week as one of those "I don't even know how this happened, I was so drunk" kind of things. It was my freshman year of college, so of course I went into it looking for no strings. I wanted to be clear and free of attachment and just go with the flow and have fun. The 'flow' of alcohol led me to, lets call him Fred. It was working so well...until the next morning when he kissed me hello. I was hoping and praying for a normal awkward next morning 'oh hey...' but instead I started dating him. Well it went on and off until december when we finally became official. Let me tell you- the most confusing couple months of my life thus far. Also let me note- boys don't understand that there's a difference between 'dating' and 'being in a relationship' Oh well though. I digress.

2. Everything was peachy while we were dating until I found out, from the source, that he was cheating on me. Way to go Fred. Not only was this oh so disappointing, but it only made it worse that I wasn't looking for anything when we started off! After breaking up, then hooking up twice more before I decided I really couldn't talk to him anymore, I finally 'threw him away' for good. School ended, I went home, thought about him pretty frequently, but other than that- I was done. Completely.

3. I met a new boy. We'll call him Miles. Miles was the perfect distraction. He loved wakeboarding (my only true passion aside from being lazy) He loved being out doors. And he ended up loving my best friend...I sure know how to pick my crushes. Anyways- before all of this best friend nonsense happened- I was hanging out with Miles constantly. I saw Fred was on iChat one afternoon, and because I was so infatuated with Miles I felt that I was truly over Fred. Victory! Or not. So I invited Fred wakeboarding. Everything went well. We all hung out and we all got along, and I was finally okay being friends with Fred with no strings- no weird feelings. This is important because at school we have all the same friends (no good).

4. One sunday night when Fred is still in our hometown (no, I didn't know him from before college- it just turned out that way) we decided to hang out and grab some ice cream. I brought Penny, my adorable Penny, whom I don't blog enough about, and we had a dandy, FRIENDS ONLY time at the local DQ. Fred suggested we moved it to his house where his dog and the Pennster could frolic and play. I agreed- as any FRIEND would do, and we popped a movie in. Everything was A-ok. We decided to watch a second movie. Half way through it Fred taps me on the shoulder and suggests we cuddled. WHOA WHOA WHOA. PAUSE. That's right- he decided that after being friends again for a whole week he would make a move on me. Of course- knowing me- I melted like butter on a hot texas day.

5. Long story short (too late) He ditched me two days later when he was supposed to come wakeboardng. Well I was done, yet again. Saw him at a party and finally confronted him, telling him that what he did made no sense- and kind of a 'leave me alone' plea. I get back up to school this fall. I saw him- I went home with him- he tells me all the things I want to hear that I know are lies- and I melt again.


Now here I am. Left here to go over everything he said- every move he made. Knowing it was all lies. Knowing boys will do or say anything for a little action.

The only reason I tell this long and boring story is because it's the biggest distraction in my life right now. While at the library today I finally promised myself (I never keep promises to myself, it's impossible) I'd be done. I'd stop drunkenly calling and texting him. I'd leave it be. I'd forget. And the next time we are both drunk in the same room I'll walk the other way.

The best present I can give to myself right now is a break from every and all boys, men, anything with a penis really. Without all that happening I bet I'd be able to get through a day without thinking of my shoulda, coulda, woulda moments with Fred.

The Library.

It's the only place I can study...okay scratch that. Considering I'm at the library to study macro-economics, and I'm on blogger instead, maybe I'm just incapable of studying. Speaking of:
They say that a person's mind can only focus on one subject for 20 minutes a time. Therefore, I find it perfectly fit to study for 20 minutes, at a time, taking a 3 hour break in between ;)

Okay, maybe not. I digress. In all honesty, I love the library. It's the perfect place to study when you want to multi-task. For me, I study econ, while effectively people watching all the interesting subjects that pass by. Like the kid in front of me for instance, my guess is he's trying to procrastinate by looking at the government form documents (which I'm sure he has no interest in) instead of doing his work.

For those that love people watching (it's one of my favorite pastimes) I suggest checking out the website- www.foundmagazine.com it's a site where people submit different things they've found. Mostly it's notes or doodles, lots of times to do lists. It's great insight into the notes of other people that we never get to read. On that note, I'd also like to recommend the more popular- www.postsecret.com These are intentional mail-in postcards with peoples secrets painted all over them. Beautiful artwork, and beautiful secrets.

May I just mention that this weeks lesson in Macro econ has taken me 9 pages of paper to write my notes on. I feel like all the trees in the world will hate me.

Again, my ADD gets the best of me. Off I am to finish studying so I can take yet another 45 minute break ;)

To touch on a couple of things.

1. Damien Rice is lethal. To listen to his songs over and over again is a slow, sad, painful death. I don't recommend it to anyone.

2. It's so weird to think about how time passes and how much you truly know a person. All the people I've met here at MSU, I've know them for a year now. A whole year. But to say that I really know them, not just their quirks, but how they think, what they believe, how and what they feel on a day to day basis- I would be lying. Does anyone really know their friends? Maybe it's too broad to say 'friends' in general, but at least their friends of, I'd say a year to 3 years. I don't think we do. I don't think most people take the time out of their busy lives to really get to know people. We all live in such a fast paced world where we don't have the time to take a deeper look. It's sad how this has become true for most people.

It's weird for me to think about some of the people I've known for a year now. The ones I've gotten close with, live with, the ones I've dated. I could tell you all of the normal things about these people but if you asked what i thought their most substantial dreams are, or what worries them the most, I wouldn't be able to tell you.

3. It's almost been a year since I've last talked to Matt. This in itself is surreal. I would say, he knew me. He really did. Maybe that's what made it too much. I wasn't just one of those 'I know the basics about you and we're friends' kind of people in his life, but I was more, and that scared him. It was hard cutting that part of my life out due to the circumstances. I have no idea if he's alive, if he's doing well, if he's still married- but I do wish him the best, he took the time to get to know me, which nowadays is a lot to ask of someone.

Back in the flow of things.

There really is no better feeling then finally being home. Oh how I missed my dear Michigan State University this past summer. It's weird how life works sometimes. I finally felt like I was on top of things with my personal life, but then my academic life slipped. Now, here I am, doing great with my academic life, yet my personal life seems to be slipping out of my finger tips (not in the sense that I have no personal life anymore, just in the sense that everything is heading in different directions and different speeds and it's all just happening so fast).

Lets start with the fact that I could totally be in control of things that go on in my life if I would only make the decisions to do so. Instead I make these decisions that put me in situations where I know I won't be able to manipulate it to my liking. However, I just seem to go in those directions anyways, because they just feel so... comfortable? Happy (at first)? Exciting, or thrilling? God, if I know.

People always tell me that this decision, that I say I've invested nothing into, is going to hurt me in the end. The truth is, they are right. I know they are right. For some reason, it's just easier to tell myself that this could work, that if I do it different this time, it could work, but I'm wrong. The truth is, I've invested more than I EVER should have into it. I put it all there, and everyone, including the karmic gods, are telling me I've completely lost it.

I've been trying to come to terms with this huge thing, a situation with Ex Boy, and every time I tell myself "I'm done" or "I'm over it" something happens where I make this new 'choice' that turns all my progress around, that puts me right back where I started. How do I learn to say "I'm done" or "I'm over it" and mean it? What must happen for me to really realize that it's never going to work, that it's not meant to be, that I'm being completely idealistic opposed to realistic?


I'll get hurt, I'm sure. And it will hurt even more than the last time, I'm sure. For some reason, known only to the holder of our lives, I just don't think I'll ever get over it, I'll never truly move on...

Does anyone ever truly move on though? Or is it more of a placing it far away in your mind, awaiting that one moment when something, who knows what, but something will awaken it, and then you're back in that hole, and it just keeps getting deeper and deeper, and you find it even harder to see the surface.

My surface just keeps getting farther and farther away...